I will balance the Federal Budget within 1 year and eliminate the National Debt within 4 years! That’s right. This November, write my name on your ballot and I will get this country out of debt.

How? Simple: I’m going to tap into the deepest urge in all men (and some women) and turn it into the single greatest fund raiser of all time. Of course, I’m talking about the urge to blow stuff up. (You thought I was going to say sex, didn’t you?) Men like to blow stuff up. I even know women who like to blow stuff up. Blowing stuff up has been a substantial part of the movie industry for decades. Blowing stuff up is part of our annual 4th of July tradition. Blowing stuff up is still scientifically proven to be a significant reason men will stop on the History Channel or TLC when flipping channels.

But no marketer/fund raiser has EVER figured out how to truly monetize man’s need to blow stuff up. Until now. Let me walk you through this. Next week, the U.S. Military is going to shoot down an aging spy satellite that contains toxic fuel. They plan to fire a missile from a Navy cruiser in the Pacific Ocean. Suffice it to say, our administration just doesn’t get it.

When I take office, we will immediately institute a National Blowing Stuff Up Lottery. For $100, you can enter for a chance to be the person who gets to fly to the middle of the Pacific, board a Navy ship, aim, and fire at future falling satellites. Heck, for $1000, I’ll let you shoot at satellites that aren’t falling! Trust me, there are millions of PS3 and Xbox addicts who would sell blood and semen for a year to be able to shoot down a satellites. There are hunters who are sick of shooting at Bambi who would kill to take down Moonraker. There are women on the back side of divorce who would love to see ANYTHING in the general shape of a satellite be blown into millions of flaming pieces.

Folks, this is a sure fire way to raise LOTS of money fast. And the lottery is just the begining. I plan to start a Blowing Stuff Reality show where people compete for the opportunity to blow up abandoned buildings, crack houses, and the tour buses of aging rock stars. If that takes off, we will spin off the show with modern uses for medieval weapons. I call it American Trebuchet!

My fellow Americans, you have a choice before you. Will Obama let you blow up a satellite? Will Hillary Clinton let you blow up Journey’s tour bus? Will Huckabee allow you to build a 3 story trebuchet and launch a car 100+ yards? Will McCain allow you to fire a missile that probably cost more than you will make in your lifetime at a target 150 miles above the earth’s surface?

Come on people, you know the answer. And you know that my plan will balance the budget. You only need to look to box office receipts for the last 40 years to back me up on this. In addition, my plan will solve all those other “issues” the other candidates are squawking about: the economy, the war, health care, etc. With no debt and a balanced budget, we can tackle all of those problems with ease.

So, consider me for your next President. It’s a vote for fiscal responsibility. It’s a vote for smaller government and fewer satellites. It’s a vote for blowing stuff up.

Carry on, Citizens!

Taking charge of the country’s largest auto maker is too big a deal not to visit in person. The President was so happy to own a 60% stake in GM that he had Air Force One do a barrel roll over the company’s headquarters.  Later he unveiled plans for the new Commander-in-Chief Caddy.  It’s green (of course), gives off very little emissions and runs on pixie dust and horse manure. Kind of like our economy.

Carry on, Citizens!

Thanks to Justin Bessler (again) for this week’s photo.

The first family visited Indy last week for the Indy 500.  In a nod to the White House’s preference for suspected tax cheats, Helio Castroneves won this year’s race. While in town, the Obama’s slipped into Broadripple and chowed on tenderloins -a Hoosier favorite.

Carry on, Citizens!

President Obama can’t be blamed for this one.  Turns out Michelle was showing off for some of her friends back in Chi-town where they had one too many apple martinis and decided to stick it to Cardinals fans by flying through the Arch. They even had a “Go Cubs!” banner tied to the back but it fell off somewhere near Decatur, IL. The pilot might have been a little buzzed too, as evidenced by the landing gear still being down.

Carry on, Citizens!

Thanks to Katie Jenkins for this week’s photo.

Carry on, Citizens!

NEWS:  The Air Force One photo op will be a regular feature every Friday at COC.  If you have a photo of Air Force One you would like to submit, please email us.  If we use your picture, we will give you credit and send you a free autographed copy of Kansaska or Trolley Dodgers.

This week’s photo was created by Justin Bessler using a Mac, Photoshop, and grain alchohol. Thanks Justin!

That’s why I laughed out loud when I read that Nigeria is “re-branding” to shed its corrupt image. Re-branding? Do you really think the slogan “Nigeria: Good People, Great Nation” is going to make me forget that your citizens scam Americans to the tune of $1 million per day?  Let’s face it, President Umaru Yar’Adua, Dateline Undercover is like American Idol for your citizens!

Hey Nigeria, how about ruthlessly pursuing those d-bags that keep sending me emails about the $20 million locked up in some hoaky bureaucratic red tape but I can have 15% of the cash if I send them my social security number, bank account, and some of my DNA? Until then, we’ll stick with your old slogan: Nigeria: Posing as Somebody Else Since Email Was Invented!

Carry on, Citizens!

Bonus Material: Most commonly heard motivational taunt by coaches at Special Olympics practices this week: “Come on you guys, you’re playing like the Obama Administration!”

Atheists have been fighting the inclusion of the phrase “So help me God” for many years.  Challenges to the separation of church and state issue have largely been ignored by the higher courts. Judges have cited reasons ranging from the phrase “separation of church and state” not actually appearing in the Constitution to the fact that Atheists tend to be disagreeable little snots that really annoy the judges.

This time, however, the Supreme Court heard the cause of the Atheists after a particularly late night following a Washington Wizards game.  It seems that everyone went back to Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s place for “one more round” and the next thing you know they were handing down decisions from her 12 seat hot tub.  The Supreme Court Justices voted to exclude God from the inauguration but felt that something or somebody should come at the end of “so help me,” inasmuch as it just sounds wrong.

After passing around a bottle of Captain Morgan’s, the Justices concluded that Pokey would complete the phrase nicely.  Justice Alito said, “Pokey is a nonthreatening character to theists and atheists as evidenced by the fact that nobody in the history of the United States has brought a Pokey related lawsuit before this court.  Gumby, yes. But not Pokey. Pokey’s reputation is unblemished.”

Atheist activists considered the decision a win at first. However, news that a new Gumby and Pokey movie might cause a new legion of fans to worship Pokey, has Atheists considering another lawsuit.

Carry on, Citizens!

“So will algae and mold.” ~ Jeff  Stanger

Continental Airlines successfully conducted a test flight with a Boeing 747 powered by biofuel today.  Now, when I think biofuel, I think corn. Or, maybe soybeans. I don’t think algae. You don’t think algae. (You don’t do you?) But, the biofuel mad scientists at Continental thought algae.  They proudly claim they’re the first to try to fly a plane powered by algae. I believe them.

Is this taking the Green movement too far? I’m not sure. Don’t expect to fly on an algae powered plane anytime soon, however. UOP, the company that helped develop the technology with Continental says “there isn’t enough sustainable feedstock at the right price point to able to be competitive with petroleum.”

This of course caused me to ponder how the world could produce “sustainable feedstock.” And then it hit me: Mold. There is plenty of mold in the average college student fridge. If algae could be converted to fuel, why not mold? They’re both green! And if mold could be converted, and if it could be harvested from student refrigerators, and if we could power airplanes with it, and if I could end this sentence, Al Gore could finally wander off into the woods in peace.

So, let’s ask President Elect Obama to invest in Mold Fuel.  I just looked in my fridge and there is enough to power my PT Cruiser for at least a week!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

I didn’t watch Obama’s infomercial before the game started. It’s not the 1st time a World Series has been delayed by someone campaigning for President. It certainly should be the last. I’ll miss baseball after tonight and wait patiently until Spring Training. Tomorrow I will post the Green Fields of the Mind by Bart Giamatti.

Carry on, Citizens!

Baseball fans have to endure interruption marketing between innings. But, they expect to see beer commercials and promos for the latest shows on Fox. They tolerate it in exchange for a free couch seat for the Fall Classic.

What they don’t expect, and thus haven’t given permission, is to endure campaign commercials. Even worse, Obama is going to delay game 6 so he can buy 30 minutes of network air time.

I’ve decided that as punishment for last night’s interruption of the World Series by the 2 campaigns, we should interrupt the inauguration with an impromptu Whiffle Ball game. Drop me a note if you would like to play a little Whiffle Ball in D.C. next January.

Carry on, Citizens!

It seems Mr. Whipple has been masquerading as manager for the Hubble Telescope.  This probably explains why it hasn’t worked all that well. For the uninitiated, the Hubble Telescope is the NASA version of Windows Vista -a really cool idea that never seems to work that well. Just after being launched, a flaw in the mirror was discovered. Three repair missions later, it’s still acting up.

Maybe once the election is over, McCain or Obama will do something about the Mr. Whipple crisis. Maybe they will appoint someone more qualified to manage the Hubble Telescope. Maybe they will hire Subway Jared.

Carry on, Citizens!

Barack Obama has accumulated more campaign money than any other Presidential candidate in history. It’s obscene enough that this money isn’t going to agencies who could be helping the poor during this economic crisis, but he’s actually buying a half hour in prime time to talk (down) to the American people. And not just during any prime time -if the World Series goes 6 games, it will be delayed by Obama’s speech. They claim it will be delayed only 8 minutes, but it’s the principle not the time that offends me.

Don’t Americans deserve our World Series free from the relentless campaigning we’ve endured the past 2 years? Don’t we deserve a respite from politics? Don’t we deserve the right to complain about Tim McCarver over analyzing the game without first having to endure Obama’s interruption of the Fall Classic?

So, I’m asking you to protest Senator Obama’s interruption of the World Series. If the Series goes to game 6, turn the volume down until he’s done talking and post a comment on this website.  Any comment, about any topic. I don’t care.  Please tell all your friends to comment here as well.  I will take all the comments and send them to Washington in order to make sure this never happens again in our lifetime.  Do it for your children and your children’s children who deserve to see a World Series without politics!

Carry on, Citizens!

Ball State is 4-0 in football.

McCain & Obama are our choices for President.

Brett Favre is a Jet.

The Bills, Titans, and Broncos are undefeated.

Nearly 60,000 people have voted for Jeff to be Emperor instead of McCain/Obama for President.

Carry on, Citizens!

But moments later in that Seinfeld episode George announced, “but suddenly, a new contender has emerged.” And if Al were here tonight, instead of saving an arthritic squirrel from eating nuts produced by a farmer that uses ghastly fossil fuels to transport them to the market where an old man who talks to himself purchases them to feed to the squirrels who are his only companions now that his son has moved to La Jolla and never calls… was I going somewhere with this sentence?

Oh yeah, I was going to point out that Joe Biden is on his way to supplanting Al as the electoral village idiot. And who better to help him than Katie Couric.  It seems Katie was pitching her usual softballs in an interview when Biden offered this gem:

“Part of what being a leader does is to instill confidence is to demonstrate what he or she knows what they are talking about and to communicating to people … this is how we can fix this,” Biden said. “When the stock market crashed, Franklin Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the princes of greed. He said, ‘look, here’s what happened.”

Wow, Joe Biden was in his 3rd year of law school in 1929, so you would think he would know better. Of course if you had a TV in 1929, you would have been shocked to see Roosevelt talking since you would expect your actual President in 1929 Herbert Hoover to be laying down the wisdom.  Still, few people would have known that Roosevelt was masquerading as President four years early because few people owned the experimental medium at the time.

You would think someone who gets paid $15 million to read the news ought to know things like that. Chalk it up to another reason for CBS to have buyers remorse.  I have to think NBC execs spit Absolute out their noses every time someone mentions Couric’s ratings. More people watch Gilmore Girls reruns than CBS news these days.

All of this has me encouraged. We could see new heights of stupidity in the next few months. I’m going to need a TiVO and some Cheetos.

Carry on, Citizens!

They have decided they no longer want a President. Or a Congress. They want an Emperor. And, they have asked me to be their candidate. After much deliberation, I have decided to accept the nomination to be your Emperor.  Over the coming weeks, we will lay out the plan for the Empire. In the meantime, go to voteforemperor.com to cast your vote. That’s right, you don’t have to wait until November. You don’t have to be a certain age or even be a U.S. citizen to vote for emperor.  Our goal is to record more votes than George Bush got in 2004. So, vote early and vote often.

You can also join the campaign. We’re seeking volunteers and campaign staff for a variety of positions. So, join the Empire today!

Carry on, Citizens!

Now, I always suspected that a homeless person might have other more pressing needs than let’s say… a voter’s registration card! Call me crazy, but I think food, shelter, health insurance, and a job might just be higher on the needs list. I say this with some reasonable amount of authority in that I’ve raised several million dollars for homeless programs in the past few years.

Yet today, I realized that I was just as wrong about the homeless as Barack. They don’t need to vote. And they don’t need shelter. Apparently, they need condoms and Red Bull. Especially the wheel chair bound homeless in Dallas. The man in question entered a 7 Eleven with a baseball bat and proceeded to smash the cash register. However, he didn’t take any money. Instead, he made off with condoms and an energy drink. This is what happens when cardboard and markers are in short supply.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

That’s right. He’s going to end Interleague play. No longer will fans be subjected to the Reds vs the Royals. No longer will Yankee fans suffer the misery of watching the Nationals. And in San Diego, rejoicing fans are pondering a future without ever having to watch the Orioles bring the their sad product to Petco Park. Now if we can just get Bud Selig tried for crimes against humanity…

Carry on, Citizens!

They represent the campaigns of Hillary, Obama, and McCain. They want to know what I’m going to do. As if the whole thing comes down to me! I can’t handle the pressure. It’s got me climbing the walls and considering a move to Istanbul (not Constantinople).

Of course, I’m not giving them any information. They wouldn’t give me any information. You see, I’ve invited all 3 major candidates to come on our radio show on WIBC, and (this will shock you) none of them have given me the time of day. And, I’m sorry to report to you loyal Citizens that none of them have accepted our offer. I just can’t see how you can hope to ascend to the ultimate Somebody Throne without coming on Red Shield Radio.

Now for some housekeeping: No t-shirt winner this week. Come on people, step it up on the comments! This week I will throw in a used printer cartridge, Solo plastic cup that I actually drank from, and my electric bill if you promise to pay it.

As for the Midlife Crisis poll, Jason made a good point. I need the WordPress voting plugin. As for the suggestions, as much as the chin implant is intriguing, I’m not going that direction. Not so big on the butt tattoo either (thanks Brian). So, I’ve decided to finish Flamingos. I know that doesn’t sound radical, but it’s the third book. And, it’s going to be the best book (of mine). I’m sure of it.

Carry on, Citizens!

Personally, I want Al Gore to throw his hat in the ring. Notice I DID NOT say I wanted Gore to be President. I don’t! I just want him to run. You see, when Al Gore runs for President, we all win. Al has been running for President off and on since the 80′s. In fact, I had to write a campaign strategy for his 1988 attempt for a Political Science class at IU. I got a B+ for the project and the professor said if he had used my strategy, he might have stayed in the race longer. (He didn’t say Gore would have won, using my plan, but I was happy with the grade.)

Anyway, a Gore campaign is good for the country. For one, he spends lots of money and that’s good for the economy. Secondly, he will undoubtedly find himself in the middle of a controversy (2000) and that keeps Britney Spears and American (Idol) Karaoke off the news for a day or two. Finally (and most importantly), Gore says the most ridiculously crazy stuff. He’s the gift that keeps on giving. Consider these past gems:

(NY Times: 8/12/00) “When my sister and I were growing up,” Mr. Gore told a small audience made up mostly of women, “there was never any doubt in our minds that men and women were equal, if not more so.”

Oct. 25 2000 JACKSON, Tenn. (Reuters) — Criticizing Bush’s Social Security privatization plan at a rally in Tennessee, Gore said, “He is proposing to privatize a big part of Social Security and he’s proposing to take $1 trillion, a million billion dollars out of the Social Security trust fund and give it as a tax incentive to young workers.”
A trillion is one thousand billion, not a million billion.

(Source: Washington Post, Sept. 24 2000) At a Sept. 22 press conference, Gore stated “I’ve been a part of the discussions on the strategic reserve since the days when it was first established.” However, President Ford established the Strategic Petroleum Reserves when he signed the Energy Policy and Conservation Act (EPCA) on December 22, 1975 — two years before Al Gore became a congressman.

Did you ever wonder where the “no, but I stayed in a Holiday Inn last night” campaign came from? Well, you can credit Al Gore for it. Really! Read what he said

(Washington Post, June 14, 2000 Milwaukee, WI – “I’m very familiar with the importance of dairy farming in Wisconsin. I’ve spent the night on a dairy farm here in Wisconsin. If I’m entrusted with the presidency, you’ll have someone who is very familiar with what the Wisconsin dairy industry is all about.”

How can we endure 6 more months of election coverage without Al to delight us with his nonsense? And I didn’t even get into the internet and zebra comments. The fact is, Al makes the election entertaining. Since it’s painfully obvious that Americans would rather be entertained than take politics seriously, give us a candidate that makes us laugh.

I think we need a Constitutional Amendment requiring Al Gore to run for President every election until he dies, or until Cartman is of legal age to run, whichever comes first.

Carry on, Citizens!

Now, before I tell you what it is, let me say that the other campaigns will try to offer a weak alternative shortly after this announcement. They will even give you lots of silly reasons for why my plan won’t work. Don’t believe them. I’m not overstating the facts when I say this is pure brilliance and none of the candidates on either side of the aisle have EVER thought of it.

So, without further ado, here is the promise:

I will balance the Federal Budget within 1 year and eliminate the National Debt within 4 years! That’s right. This November, write my name on your ballot and I will get this country out of debt.

How? Simple: I’m going to tap into the deepest urge in all men (and some women) and turn it into the single greatest fund raiser of all time. Of course, I’m talking about the urge to blow stuff up. (You thought I was going to say sex, didn’t you?) Men like to blow stuff up. I even know women who like to blow stuff up. Blowing stuff up has been a substantial part of the movie industry for decades. Blowing stuff up is part of our annual 4th of July tradition. Blowing stuff up is still scientifically proven to be a significant reason men will stop on the History Channel or TLC when flipping channels.

But no marketer/fund raiser has EVER figured out how to truly monetize man’s need to blow stuff up. Until now. Let me walk you through this. Next week, the U.S. Military is going to shoot down an aging spy satellite that contains toxic fuel. They plan to fire a missile from a Navy cruiser in the Pacific Ocean. Suffice it to say, our administration just doesn’t get it.

When I take office, we will immediately institute a National Blowing Stuff Up Lottery. For $100, you can enter for a chance to be the person who gets to fly to the middle of the Pacific, board a Navy ship, aim, and fire at future falling satellites. Heck, for $1000, I’ll let you shoot at satellites that aren’t falling! Trust me, there are millions of PS3 and Xbox addicts who would sell blood and semen for a year to be able to shoot down a satellites. There are hunters who are sick of shooting at Bambi who would kill to take down Moonraker. There are women on the back side of divorce who would love to see ANYTHING in the general shape of a satellite be blown into millions of flaming pieces.

Folks, this is a sure fire way to raise LOTS of money fast. And the lottery is just the begining. I plan to start a Blowing Stuff Reality show where people compete for the opportunity to blow up abandoned buildings, crack houses, and the tour buses of aging rock stars. If that takes off, we will spin off the show with modern uses for medieval weapons. I call it American Trebuchet!

My fellow Americans, you have a choice before you. Will Obama let you blow up a satellite? Will Clinton let you blow up Journey’s tour bus? Will Huckabee allow you to build a 3 story trebuchet and launch a car 100+ yards? Will McCain allow you to fire a missile that probably cost more than you will make in your lifetime at a target 150 miles above the earth’s surface?

Come on people, you know the answer. And you know that my plan will balance the budget. You only need to look to box office receipts for the last 40 years to back me up on this. In addition, my plan will solve all those other “issues” the other candidates are squawking about: the economy, the war, health care, etc. With no debt and a balanced budget, we can tackle all of those problems with ease.

So, consider me for your next President. It’s a vote for fiscal responsibility. It’s a vote for smaller government and fewer satellites. It’s a vote for blowing stuff up.

Carry on, Citizens!