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Gay Marriage, Soccer (Football), and Poop

Gay Marriage, Soccer (Football), and Poop

If you think that headline is weird, you haven’t seen my Twitter feed. Today the whole world (well the part of it that’s in Indiana) has been talking about two things and two things only: gay marriage and soccer (or football for my European readers)(or kickball for Geoff Aiken).

For those of you who have been emerged in the College World Series the past 2 weeks (like me) and have no idea why those two topics are trending, I will bring you up to speed. Apparently there is a world wide soccer tournament being played. This tournament follows no format you have ever seen in your life. Teams can lose and advance (as the United States did today) and apparently you can tie. Tie! Can you imagine if teams tied in the NCAA Basketball tournament? There would be absolute chaos! The gates of Hell would open up and swallow Dick Vitale if you could tie in March Madness!

The other topic is trending because Indiana, to the delight of divorce attorneys everywhere, legalized gay marriage. Conservatives and liberals may differ on what God thinks of gay marriage, but nobody can deny that he seems to favor attorneys. How else do they keep winning no matter what side wins or loses?The Bible says the meek shall inherit the earth. And when they do, an attorney will be there to sort out the will.

When I heard the news, I wanted to call one of my college professors at IU and tell him to raise my grade. However, he’s dead (or doing the world’s longest impression of a mannequin). You see, 26 years ago, I predicted this would happen in a paper I wrote for a Political Science course. Before you jump on me from either side of this debate, I wasn’t taking a side in the paper, but writing from a perspective of finding a fundamental flaw in marriage laws. I didn’t know it then, but I was arguing a Libertarian point of view. My point was government had no business recognizing marriage (of any kind) but should stick strictly to domestic living contracts for all forms of cohabitation —including students living in the same apartment. Anyone who has had their credit trashed by a roommate who didn’t pay their share of the electric bill knows why this is a good idea. Getting government out of the marriage business would allow same sex marriages while not forcing religious institutions to act in conflict with their beliefs.

The result of inaction on this issue, I argued, would result in a protracted and expensive battle in the courts over gay marriage in the future. Hmmm…. “some how ‘I told you so’ just doesn’t cut it,” to quote Will Smith. Anyway, I want my A+. My GPA in college was no so stellar the 1st two years, so this is a big deal!

Now about the poop… so, in the midst of watching tweet after tweet cheering soccer ties, losing teams advancing, and arguing about gay marriage, I saw this:

poopI pasted the tweet because I knew nobody would believe me. I’ve got to say, this was the most unanticipated message I’ve had all day. I can’t think of the last time I spent any significant time pondering this. Of course, I was curious, but I was afraid there might be pictures. And I really didn’t want pictures. Then I thought that maybe the article might have some type of high school textbook illustration of poop. I could handle that, right? So, I clicked on the link. No pictures. No illustrations. Just a lot of talk about what poop should look like. I did learn that poop shouldn’t contain anything recognizable. If you can see food (or something that looks like Richard Nixon), you’re not chewing your food properly.

So, there you have it. Today I learned that in football, you can lose and advance. Sort of like an international “participant” trophy. I learned that 26 years ago, I actually did understand the law. But I’m smart enough now to know that most of what swirls around me in this journey, I neither understand fully nor react to appropriately. Or to quote the BoDeans, “I stumble in and out of confidence and doubt.” And finally, I learned that in the midst of all our political battles and international competitions, there is someone out there worrying about our colons.

Carry on, Citizens!

College World Series

College World Series

9300179_origJust 2 hours until game time for the Indiana Hoosiers at the College World Series!  Looking forward to watching them tonight. Having watched so many CWS over the years on TV and in person, I never thought I would see IU in Omaha. Congrats to Head Coach Tracy Smith for the amazing job he has done in his 8 years in Bloomington!

Carry on, Citizens!

Why Does The NCAA Suck at Math & Geography?

math_sYesterday, I took on the weirdness of pro sports teams that move and keep their nicknames (Utah Jazz). Today, I want to warn parents why an investment in higher education might be a very poor one. You see, some of the most prestigious schools in the country suck at math. Let’s take a look.

The Big 10 Conference has 12 teams. Once Maryland and Rutgers join, they will have 14 teams. The Conference is still going to be called the Big 10. 14 does not equal 10. Neither does 12. So, if your son or daughter wants a degree in something that requires math, you might want to cross off these 14 schools.

Unfortunately, the Big 12 isn’t much better. It’s not 12 and it’s not Big. You see, the Big 12 only has 10 teams. That’s 10 more schools you can cross off. Or is it 12?

Geography isn’t so good in the NCAA either. Did you know that Butler University (Indianapolis) is in the same conference in football as the University of San Diego (CA) and Jacksonville University (FL)? The Big East Conference includes such east coast schools as Marquette (Wisconsin), Notre Dame (Indiana), Louisville (Kentucky), and Cincinnati (Ohio). The Atlantic 10 Conference includes these schools that are near the Atlantic Ocean: Butler (Indiana), Dayton (Ohio), Xavier (Ohio), and St. Louis (Missouri). But that’s okay, because the Atlantic Sun conference boasts some near the beach schools as well:  Northern Kentucky, East Tennessee State, and Lipscomb (TN).

Probably the most confusing conference of all is the Great West Conference. It is comprised of Chicago State University, Houston Baptist University, New Jersey Institute of Technology, University of North Dakota, University of South Dakota, Texas-Pan American and Utah Valley University. I’m pretty sure that New Jersey is still on the East coast, and I’m not sure what makes any of these schools “Great.”

This just goes to prove that sometimes “higher ed” means “lower math and geography.” It’s all too confusing. I need a nap.

Carry on, Citizens!

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Another NCAA Headscratcher

This week the University of Iowa wanted to mark the 20th anniversary of the death of Chris Street. Street was a member of the Hawkeyes basketball team who died in a car accident. The university petitioned the NCAA to allow all the players to wear Street’s name on the backs of their jerseys. The NCAA denied the request. Keep in mind they let Xavier and Providence do it to honor the Sandy Hook victims. I’m not denying that the tragedy was awful, but Xavier is in Cincinnati and Providence as of this moment is still in Rhode Island. Sandy Hook is in Connecticut. Iowa wants to honor someone who played at the NCAA level at Iowa!

They also routinely let schools like Oregon wear multiple hideous things like this:






Or they will let teams wear camo unis like these:






Is there a Citizen who can explain this nonsense to me?

Carry on, Citizens!

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