Carry on Citizens » American Idol

You Can’t Shine A Turd

Jeff — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 01:26:08 +0000

I’m sure that title caught your attention! One of my good friends told me that once. He’s very wise. What he meant was that no matter what you feature you put on a crappy product, what spin you put on bad legislation, or how you re-brand your dirt bag country, bad is still bad!

That’s why I laughed out loud when I read that Nigeria is “re-branding” to shed its corrupt image. Re-branding? Do you really think the slogan “Nigeria: Good People, Great Nation” is going to make me forget that your citizens scam Americans to the tune of $1 million per day? Let’s face it, President Umaru Yar’Adua, Dateline Undercover is like American Idol for your citizens!

Hey Nigeria, how about ruthlessly pursuing those d-bags that keep sending me emails about the $20 million locked up in some hoaky bureaucratic red tape but I can have 15% of the cash if I send them my social security number, bank account, and some of my DNA? Until then, we’ll stick with your old slogan: Nigeria: Posing as Somebody Else Since Email Was Invented!

Carry on, Citizens!

Bonus Material: Most commonly heard motivational taunt by coaches at Special Olympics practices this week: “Come on you guys, you’re playing like the Obama Administration!”

Things I Didn’t Do

Jeff — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:00:33 +0000

Jennifer Figge is a fraud. She really didn’t become the first woman to swim the Atlantic. Turns out, Michael Phelps (with or without the aid of cannibus) couldn’t swim that far that fast. And of course, the AP should have known that, but journalistic standards have dropped lower than Pam Anderson’s neckline at a heavy metal concert.

But, this did get me thinking about people who do this sort of thing and I think I’ve found a shortcut.

Here are some remarkable things I didn’t do:

I didn’t sell 4 billion copies of my first novel.
I didn’t invent the diagram that shows you how to assemble an Ikea TV stand.
I didn’t eat my weight in Cherry Pez.
I didn’t save Katie Couric from drowning.
I didn’t write the song “Da Doo Run Run.”
I didn’t shave Lassie and weave his/her hair into a throw rug.
I didn’t discover the cure for Hypochondria.
I didn’t make it to the finals of American Idol.
I didn’t make a BLT that when looked at from a certain angle, had the heads of all the Stooges (including Shemp) in a Mt. Rushmore pose.
I didn’t play bass in the Rolling Stones during the Thailand leg of the Steel Wheels tour.

There you go. A list of things that I didn’t do, but might have claimed if I had the urge to be on CNN. Feel free to add some of your own!

Carry on, Citizens!

Chinese Democracy and American Socialism

Jeff — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 00:39:29 +0000

The Chinese government blasted the new Guns N Roses album, calling it “an attack on the Chinese nation” according to the AP. Gee, I thought it was just an attack on the ears. Axl, really? It took you 14 years to release that mess? Luckily, I was able to preview it without buying it. If I had purchased it, I would have taped over the hole and used it as a coaster.

I haven’t been this disappointed in an album since Van Halen III. Industry experts say that Chinese Democracy by GNR is the most expensive album of all time. This CD may have forever proven that music quality is inversely proportional to production budget. (Somebody graph that for me.)

Let’s face it, the music world has been a desolate place since Toad The Wet Sprocket broke up, but I can’t rant about that when there are more serious issues at hand. Namely, the Citibank bailout and the fact that they can’t pay their bills but they can pay Mary J Blige several million dollars for an endorsement deal. Folks if you aren’t giving your congressional representative a verbal smack down over this, then stay the hell out of the voting booth in 2012. You have no right vote for anything more serious than American Idol or the next color or M & M’s.

Carry on, Citizens!