Crossing Japan Off My List

Crossing Japan Off My List

Do you have a list on countries you would like to visit before you die? You might want to cross Japan off your list. I just did. I can handle the crowds. I can navigate around my dislike of sushi. I can adapt to the customs of the Japanese people.

Except one.

The one I discovered within the last hour.

And it’s a thing. A real thing. Confirmed by literally minutes of internet research.

The name of this bizarre custom is Kancho.

Kancho is the practice of making your hand into the shape of a gun (see above) and then poking it into someone’s bum. The booty. The butt. The derriere.  Apparently it is a common practice in Japanese schools —sometimes as old as middle school! And it’s perfectly normal and acceptable!

Now, I don’t know about you, but I can probably name off a half dozen people I went to school with that never quite grew out of childhood. It happens in every culture. So, I’m pretty certain that there are more than a few people running around an island of 127.3 million people that are still not out of their Kancho phase. Don’t believe me? Japan’s version of ComicCon attracts over a half million attendees! If you’re still dressing up as your favorite comic book player (not that there is anything wrong with that), you might still be attached to some other things you learned to love as a child.

So go to Japan if you must. Just beware of people making their hands into a gun shape. They’re not playing cops and robbers…

Carry on, Citizens!

 

A Tradition of Giving

A Tradition of Giving

When you go to a dinner party, the proper thing to do is bring a gift. I’m not sure who started this tradition, but I’m assured by my wife that this is indeed a proper tradition that society expects of us. And I want to be part of society. I think.

It’s not that I’m stingy. It’s just that I’ve had my share of gift giving faux pas over the years. Like the time I was told to bring wine to a dinner party. I’m not a wine guy. I can’t tell you which wine goes with fish or pork or spam. I know that some are red and some are white. I know that the stuff that comes out of a box is supposedly not as marvelous as the stuff you can’t pronounce and costs $100 per bottle.

Rachel Dolezal & Brian Williams to Star in the Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend.

Rachel Dolezal & Brian Williams to Star in the Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend.

BREAKING: Warner Brothers announces plans to make a sequel to the 2007 hit movie The Bucket List starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Neither will appear in the sequel, however. Starring in The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend will be NBC’s Brian Williams and former NAACP leader Rachel Dolezal.

The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend will follow the two as they cross off a list of items they want to pretend to do before they die. Dolezal is very happy to be turning this new page in her life. “In the past, I’ve pretended to be a victim of white racism, black discrimination, child abuse, and domestic violence. So, you could say that I’ve hit all the obvious ones. In this film, I get to explore victimhood on a level I’ve never imagined.”

“I don’t want to give away too much, but the director has promised I will be a victim of gerrymandering, circumstance, time, and carnies. As the film progresses, I get to be the victim of a natural disaster. I’m hoping for a flood or hurricane so I can also be a victim of global warming. Double bonus!”

“I’m getting some pushback from the screenwriter, but I really feel I should visit Egypt and be a victim of one of those plagues from the old testament. Maybe the frogs or the darkness. I’m pretty sure I can spin one of those two into a shot at carbon based fuels or something like that. And in the climax, I’m a victim of identity theft! But the audience is left to guess if it is my white identity or my black identity! I’m totally blowing your mind, right!”

Brian Williams is excited to explore the possibilities as well. “As you know, I pretended to be shot at during the Iraq war. Silly me, but that’s all behind us. When the producers approached me and offered me the chance to pretend to be shot at by a wide variety of weapons, I couldn’t pass it up!”

Williams is boning up on his diving skills, he reports. “I’m going to be underwater trying to interview a talking shark off the coast of Austrailia. I will pretend to be shot at by various aborigines men with harpoons. There’s a glorious scene in Yankee stadium where I get shot at by t-shirt cannons. One I’m particularly excited about is being shot at by those poisonous blow darts. It’s sort of an homage to Indiana Jones, except this will take place in Times Square and instead of natives, it will be members of the Tea Party doing the shooting. Or blowing I suppose is the correct term.”

The former anchor is particularly excited about the climactic scene. “I can’t give too much away, but it will involve a trebuchet, 300 lbs of cottage cheese, and an androgynous villain named Le Méchant.”

Look for The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend in theaters in March 2016.

Carry on, Citizens!

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