Joe Morgan’s Sideburns

Day 5

Work on the novel was derailed yesterday by an emergency grant project. I?ve written 3 CTF grants in my brief grant writing career. The first took me 20 hours. Yesterday I did it in 5. Omissions may have occurred.

Sebastion is still filled with scorn. Today, it seems to be directed at the Joe Morgan bobble head doll. Sebastion finds his 70?s style sideburns particularly infuriating.

The book is growing out of control. My revised outline now includes 26 chapters. There were only 16 a week ago. Of course many of these chapters are not even started. Must foreswear sleep. The newest Wolf prank is devious and delicious.

The Scorn of the Ibis

Day 4 of writing in relative seclusion:

Sebastion the Ibis keeps talking to me. His scorn is pervasive. I must find a way to distract him so I can get some work done.

Tuesday I introduced the most bizarre set of characters yet in this novel : The Gay American Celtic Troubadours. Only the final battle in Return of the King comes close to the G.A.C.T.’S battle with the Volunteer Librarians of America. The passage on beer will get me lauded or sued. It could go either way.

I’m in a raging battle with my apartment complex. They gave me a package Monday that they had sat on for 7 months. They told me it came in last week -as if I wouldn’t figure that out. I used the UPS tracking number to determine it had been signed for it on May 21, 2003, by someone named Ray. I’m certain Ray is a Minion of Gozer.

Carry on, Citizens!


For Larry Stoute 1946 – 2003

The sky now divides
To bring you back into the fold
Welcome home
Still my need to recognize
Any comfort you may show
Only grows
Guess I’ll learn to accommodate
While my heart just sits and waits
Maybe God you found
Maybe is all that you can offer now

Where am I to take refuge
When the storms of pain release
Shelter me
This blessedness of life
Sometimes brings me to my knees
I call on Thee
I have not the words to write
A Farewell to you tonight
Maybe God you found
Maybe is all that you can offer now

I know hearts are weeping
While your voice is now singing
On high, angel on high

I have not the words to write
A Farewell to you tonight
Maybe God you found
Maybe is all that you can offer now

–E. Rowland

Big Brother Larry

I?m afraid that my book might someday be successful. I?m afraid of success. I?m mostly afraid that Larry Flynt has nude photos of me. Larry Flynt has nude photos of everybody. He has nude photos of you. You?re just not famous yet, so he?s holding on to them.

Larry Flynt is Big Brother. He has cameras everywhere! He?s watching you right now as you read this blog. He?s watching and waiting — waiting for you to take your clothes off. As soon as you do, the pictures are taken and he puts them in his 4 billion square foot Not Yet Famous People Vault. Everyone in North America, with the exception of Madonna because it?s rarer to photograph her with clothes on, is in the vault. And rest assured, if you become famous, Larry Flynt will announce that he has photos of you.

I thought about writing to Larry and ask if he had any tasteful photos of me for the back cover of my book ?something arty and not too revealing. However, I figure that I really need to lose 25 ? 30 lbs. So instead, I?m going to ask Larry to have the secret photos currently in the vault to be replaced with photos secretly taken of me after I lose the weight. I won?t know when the photos will be taken of me, you never do with Larry. I?m just going to write and ask him to turn off the cameras for 6 months so I can get in shape.

I?m also going to ask Larry if he took any secret photos of me when I went to the Metrodome to see the Twins/White Sox game. I took my photos to Walmart and the Photo Minions promptly lost the pictures. Of course, I was completely clothed for the entire time I was at the Metrodome, so the likelihood of Larry taking any pictures is kind of slim. However, a few accidental shots may have been taken in anticipation of disrobing. If so, I hope he got Kirby Puckett in the shot as well, because Kirby hit a 3 run homer that day. For the record, Kirby remained clothed throughout the game and for the post-game interview.

I also had pictures of Frank Thomas taking batting practice. It?s been several years, but according to my recollection, Frank was fully clothed. However, Larry might have accidentally taken a picture or two of Frank. If so, I think Larry wouldn?t mind sending me a few pictures to make up for my lost vacation film. I bet if Larry took over Walmart?s photo department, they wouldn?t lose your photos.

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