5) Super Bowl IV- The Scandinavian Culinary Society of Greater Duluth creates a likeness of Fran Tarkenton using lutefisk and food coloring. Although the Vikings went on to lose to the Chiefs, the sculpture is believed to be the only truly great use for lutefisk in the history of mankind.

4) Super Bowl XXV- Watching the game from a hostel in Bulgaria, the members of Milli Vanilli correctly spot that Whitney Houston is lip syncing the National Anthem. Ironically, the media claim they were tipped off by anonymous sources, which by 1991, Milli Vanilli were.

3) Super Bowl XXVIII- Absolutely convinced that the Bills couldn’t possibly lose 4 Super Bowls in a row, Sidney Munson of New York vowed to drink a combination of wing sauce and beer via a bong. When it becomes apparent that they will lose to the Cowboys, he loaded the bong with three Natural Light Beers and a bottle of Extra Hot Buffalo style wing sauce. Munson successfully downed the mixture but was not able to control the IBS episode that came with in seconds of the last drop.  The party hosts sent him a bill for the subsequent carpet and upholstery cleaning.

2) Super Bowl XXXVII- Living up to their respective teams nicknames, Raiders and Buccaneers fans stage the worlds largest sword fight in the lobby of the San Diego Omni. As they were using real swords, 97 fans went to the emergency room. No one died, but the combined total number of stitches matched the combined total yards in the game: 634.

1) Super Bowl XXXVIII- On the way to the bathroom, in a small house filled with people watching the game on smaller than 30 inch TV, and over 20 feet from said TV, I glanced back over my shoulder just in time to see Justin Timberlake expose Janet Jackson’s boob. Nobody believed me, for none of that crowd was even watching the halftime show. And for twelve hours, I felt like the man who had the courage to say, “yes, I’ve seen Big Foot.” But as dawn broke, the news of Nipplegate (as it came to be known) spread across the land. I was vindicated.

Carry on, Citizens! (And go Colts!)

Anyway, as I did in 2008, I wanted to be the first to write a 2010 year in review. So, 364 days early, here’s what happened in 2010.

January:

• The Association of University Scientists Who SWEAR Global Warming is Real announce their annual meeting in Kansas City is canceled due to a blizzard.
• During the State of the Union Address, President Obama announces that GM will reintroduce the Chevy Vega. He also announces his desire to “address the single American problem, now that Health Care has been solved.”

February:

• On Groundhog Day, PETA protests using animals to predict the weather in Punxsutawney, PA. The Groundhog predicts 6 more weeks of winter, then gnaws the leg off of one of the protesters. Video of the attack gets 7.5 million hits on YouTube.
• Fearing a drop in romance due to the Great Recession, Congress announces a Cash For Cupid Program. Tax credits are given for the purchase of red roses, heart shaped candy boxes, and those chalk tasting little candies with stupid little phrases like “Be Mine” on them.
• Singles Against Discrimination (S.A.D.) files a lawsuit against the government for not being able to take advantage of Cash for Cupid. Congress amends the program adding a Cash for Internet Dating Program. The President hails the legislation as the first step towards getting all 101 million single Americans a date by Memorial Day.

March:

• In a stunning display of political correctness gone wrong, members of the House and Senate announce that St. Patrick’s Day should be spectrum neutral and refuse to wear green. Tea Party activists refer to themselves as the Green Tea Party for one day in protest. 98% of Americans ignore both of them.
• 3 days into Spring Training, the Padres announce that they are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
• Upon realizing that Cash For Cupid and Cash for Internet Dating aren’t budget neutral, President Obama sells North Dakota to Canada.

April

• Kentucky wins the National Championship in basketball. Investigators announce that recruiting violations will force them to vacate the championship only hours later. John Calipari celebrates the third Final Four he “didn’t go to” by going to Disney World.
• Led Jeffelin announces they will reform and go on tour.

May

• President Obama announces his Get All the Single People a Date program is successful. Republicans claim that 23 million people still have not been on a date. The administration later admits to counting all of Paris Hilton’s dates twice.

June:

• Hank Blevins of Utica, NY successfully friends everyone on Facebook.
• In-fighting and a tour bus with a faulty toilet force the Led Jeffelin tour to cancel several shows.

July

• Apple announces a new rotary iPhone for retro hipsters. It sells out in less than a day, but users are furious when they find that a woman in Mayberry, NC named Sarah must connect them to all their calls.
• Led Jeffelin plays to a crowd of 100,000 in Central Park.

August:

• A 96 degree day in St. Louis prompts Al Gore to hold a press conference to announce Global Warming is real. And he REALLY means it this time.
• Congress passes the first piece of legislation that every man, woman, and child in North America agrees with: The banning of the Geico Caveman commercials from television.

September:

• The government announces that now that they have fixed everyone up in America on a date, it’s time to start working on that second date.
• Led Jeffelin announces that the tour has prompted them to go back into the studio and record their first album in 23 years.

October:

• The Yankees win another World Series in front of a crowd of 17 people.
• Approximately 93 percent of American teenagers dress up as a Twilight character for Halloween. The cool 7 percent toilet paper their houses.

November:

• In a shocking political development, the Libertarian Party captures the majority of seats in the House and Senate.
• President Obama pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, but Vice President Biden accidentally backs over it with his car.
• The Detroit Lions lose on Thanksgiving Day again.

December

• Congress announces a Cash for Christmas campaign and gives tax credits for people buying Christmas presents. This prompts Jews, Muslims, Pagans, and the guy who invented Festivus to demand their own tax credits. The Administration announces, they will give tax credits to anyone who buys anything for any reason in December.
• The Great Recession officially ends, but the U.S. Debt is so high that we have give California to China for collateral.
• Hank Blevins successfully follows everyone on Twitter.

Carry on, Citizens! And Happy New Year.

There are so many questions swirling down the toilet of my brain right now. Why steal something you can pretty much make anytime during the day? How much does pee fetch on the black market? What does one do with stolen pee?

I hope the economy recovers soon, because I don’t want to live in a world where people in Utah steal urine. Heaven only knows what people in New York might start stealing.

Carry on, Citizens!

1. I have a solution to the global warming debate. Let’s stop fighting over whether or not it’s real, and start doing all we can to turn the entire world into the climate of San Diego.
2. The NFL Today “experts” predicted 2 weeks ago that Indianapolis would not make the Super Bowl. 2 of them predicted that Pittsburgh would. The Colts are 12-0 and the Steelers are 6-6 and have lost 4 in a row. Dear CBS, you could pay me 25% of what your paying your in studio team and I can make equally lousy predictions.
3. The griffin, a mythical creature, is also known as a keythong.
4. Can we move all the Tiger Woods stories to the Golf Channel so I can avoid them altogether?
5. 500,000 men will propose to their girlfriends in between now and Christmas.
6. I’m watching a story on libraries. Why does everything else in the library look up to date except the librarian?
7. I might not have made a better President than Barack Obama, but I would have been much more entertaining.
8. Why is it called phlegm?
9. There is a story on Yahoo about a woman who found a picture of the Virgin Mary in a pancake. I’ve never seen a religious figure in my breakfast food. Come to think of it, I can’t remember seeing anybody in my breakfast food. I saw Don Ameche in a burrito once. But that was brunch.
10. I want a trident.
11. I should probably go back to bed now.

Carry on, Citizens!

I have no idea because my mind was singularly focused on one question: Does Hallmark make a baby daddy’s mama’s lesbian girlfriend Valentine’s Day Card? And if not, could I start a greeting card company and beat them to the punch. You see, I am sort of a entrepreneur at heart, and this seems like a huge opportunity. I think the Baby Daddy/Baby Mama card line has potential.

And, there are other greeting cards that need to be made. I remember my friend Justin had to make a card himself because he couldn’t find a “Sorry about your Vasectomy” card for someone in our office. What about the whole break-up market.  There’s the “it’s not you it’s me” series. The “I think we should be friends” line and the “Call me when the psychiatrist clears you to play” series. I once had a girl tell me I was like chocolate cake when she dumped me. She said I was really good, but not very good for her. At the time it hurt. Now, I think I think it would be a hilarious card.

Anyway, if you would like to join me in this venture, send me your card ideas. If they’re good, I will count you in. If they stink, well, we have a card for that too.

Carry on, Citizens!

Believe it or not, Obama is already missing the days of George Bush.  Okay, maybe you and I didn’t prosper under GWB, but he sure did. In Bill Clinton’s last year in office, Barack Obama made $240,505. In President Bush’s last year, he made $2,656,902. So, he made over 10 times as much money under Bush than Clinton. If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I couldn’t be more surprised than when I read that stat!

However, this year his salary is $400,000.  So, he makes 85% less under himself than he did under Bush. Now that’s change even he can’t believe in! And now you can see that he can’t possibly support the person (himself) who has caused his income to plummet so drastically.

Because I’m such a civic minded person, I’m offering to switch places with President Obama in 2012. I figure that I could give up selling books and the President’s salary would be a HUGE increase in my income. Meanwhile, Obama could go back to selling books and see his income return to the stratosphere that would cause Nancy Pelosi to hate him again. I’m Patriotic like that.

Carry on, Citizens!

“I’ll rise above it, I’m a professional.”

“There’s no socks or dirty knickers or anything.”

When reached, Stanger was surprised about the award. “Wow, really? Guess I better get busy and write the thing. I wonder if I could get some help from a ghost writer.”

Carry on, Citizens!

“These go to eleven.”