Carry on, Citizens!

Being the Mayor of the Known Universe has it’s pluses and minuses. In the good column, I can always get a table at a good restaurant on say, Jupiter. On the bad side, every time some star goes supernova, there are millions of calls wanting to know what my administration is doing to clean up the mess. It’s very tiring.

So, I’m thinking of retiring as Mayor. But, that’s hard to do. You can’t just hand over the title and there are no elections to vote me out. Somebody will have to visit the Known Universe enough times to unseat me. And that’s were the problem lies: aside from me, very few people really visit the Known Universe. This could be due to the fact that so few people know it exists and thus they don’t know they are in it. Cluelessness about the Known Universe has led to all sorts of unwanted consequences like timeshares, Katie Couric, and the Detroit Lions.

So, if you decide to visit the Known Universe, please check in. It’s your turn to be the Mayor. The Martians need their sewers replaced.

Carry on, Citizens!

Results: 292

Entry #86

Sara Stanger was born in Narol in 1912 to Yisrael and Dina. She was single. Prior to WWII she lived in Narol, Poland. During the war she was in Rawa Ruska, Poland. Sara perished in 1941 in Majdanek, Camp.

Carry on, (and never forget) Citizens!

The event is called the Testical Festival and it happens annually in Oakdale, CA.  It is put on by the local Rotary Club and it benefits the Oakland Cowboy Museum.  It draws upwards of 450 people and raised $28,000 last year.  That’s a lot of balls. And a lot of bitter bulls.

I’m not sure what is more surprising about this event. Is it that it even exists or that it’s not sponsored by NOW?

Carry on, Citizens!

That’s why I laughed out loud when I read that Nigeria is “re-branding” to shed its corrupt image. Re-branding? Do you really think the slogan “Nigeria: Good People, Great Nation” is going to make me forget that your citizens scam Americans to the tune of $1 million per day?  Let’s face it, President Umaru Yar’Adua, Dateline Undercover is like American Idol for your citizens!

Hey Nigeria, how about ruthlessly pursuing those d-bags that keep sending me emails about the $20 million locked up in some hoaky bureaucratic red tape but I can have 15% of the cash if I send them my social security number, bank account, and some of my DNA? Until then, we’ll stick with your old slogan: Nigeria: Posing as Somebody Else Since Email Was Invented!

Carry on, Citizens!

Bonus Material: Most commonly heard motivational taunt by coaches at Special Olympics practices this week: “Come on you guys, you’re playing like the Obama Administration!”

Every year, I get together with a group of 10-12 guys and we draft players for the NCAA tournament. It’s a much more complex pool than just picking teams.  I’m closing in on a decade of futility in this pool. Ah, I remember the heady days of drafting 2 Florida players for 3 straight years, only to see them lose before the Sweet 16. Then after swearing off Florida players forever, they reel off 2 National Titles.

Who can forget the year I drafted JJ Redick, only to see him toss in a career low. Or, the year I drafted Jeff Newton. Newton? Why didn’t somebody hit me with a few of the 100 chicken wing bones that usually accompany this party? The memories make me want to bludgeon the Syracuse Orange mascot until citrus pulp flows across the Carrier Dome floor. And yes, I’m doing it all over again.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

That’s sort of how I felt when I read that tomorrow (March 3) is Square Root Day. Okay, that’s not exactly why. I get that it’s 3/3/09. The real reason is I discovered there are several other official “Days” tomorrow. These include:

• I Want You to Be Happy Day
• If Pets Had Thumbs Day
• National Anthem Day
• Peach Blossom Day

What worries me is that people are out there wondering what a world with pet thumbs would be like. And, there are enough of them to gain sufficient critical mass to have an official holiday named. Imagine how many awkward conversations had to take place before these people found each other. “Hi, my name is Stanley. I’ve been pondering the possibilities of my cat having a thumb.”

Somehow, I’m thinking these are the least likely people to ever be matched on eHarmony. In fact, I’m thining the Pet Thumb people are less likely than the Square Root people to be in committed relationship with an actual human being.

I’ve decided to create my own day. I’m going to lobby my Congressional representative to have it nationally recognized. I think March 12th should be Carry On, Citizens! Day. You should celebrate by dressing as your favorite character from Trolley Dodgers or Kansaska. And you should give gifts to other people -preferably copies of the aforementioned books.  You should also listen to Karnie music or join the save the Karnie page on Facebook. Who’s with me?

Carry on, Citizens!

No, you don’t.  Babies are forced to marry dogs in India. I’m NOT KIDDING!

You see, when a baby in the Munda tribe develops a tooth before turning two, they kind of freak out.  They see it as an omen that the baby is in danger of Tiger attacks.  So, his parents did the only thing a truly loving mom or dad could do when their child is in mortal danger: they married the kid off to their neighbor’s dog.

According to the AP, “The dog belongs to the groom’s neighbors and was set free to roam around the area after the ceremony. No dowry was exchanged, the witness said, and the boy will still be able to marry a human bride in the future without filing for divorce.”

Wow, I guess they have sort of an “open marriage,” with all the roaming around. I wonder if he would have to file for a divorce if he wanted to marry another dog. Or a cat. Or whatever species Joan Rivers became after the 15th surgery.

Carry on, Citizens!

The cost is $25, which includes lunch.  Proceeds go to Play Ball Indiana, an organization that provides baseball and softball opportunities for inner city youth. Please plan to join me there for a great start to the baseball season. You can learn more about the event and Play Ball Indiana here.

Just to sweeten the deal, I will throw in a free signed copy of Kansaska if you come to the event and say you read this blog post! And one more great deal:  the first two people who can list all of the teams in the K.R.A.P. League circa 1948 will receive a pair of free tickets to the event.

Carry on, Citizens!

Four Rings of Decreasing Quality
Valentine’s Day had always been a disaster for me.  For normal people, Cupid shoots an arrow that sends the couple on some romantic escapade that they could share with their kids someday.  For me, he set the arrows on fire and sent my relationships down like a Viking funeral.  Think I’m exaggerating?  One Valentine’s Day, I slipped on the ice while opening the car door for my date. When I came to, I was in an ambulance and she was making out with the EMT.

One year, I sent my Valentine a box of her favorite candy from an exotic chocolate company.  Turns out she was allergic to nougat. Who’s allergic to nougat?  Anyway, she didn’t send me a Valentine. She sent me a summons. My wages are still being garnished.

There were other Valentine’s Day triumphs: the year I set a restaurant on fire; the year I set my date’s house on fire; and the year I set her father’s hair piece on fire. Hey, I told the old man not to look under the hood of my car. Mechanic beware, I say.

Anyway, I was determined to have a good Valentine’s Day with Kate. It would take planning. It would take courage. It would take a few beers with Darryl and Klondike to come up with a plan.  We decided that this type of planning would be best with beers that were on the largish side, so we headed to the Irish Lion to drink a yard.

“What about something simple like roses and dinner?” asked Darryl.

“Too boring,” I answered.

“With your track record, you should think simple,” he replied.

“Why not take her to a bed and breakfast? That’s pretty romantic,” offered Klondike.

“Your place is the only one with a vacancy this Saturday and I’m not taking her there!”

Klondike seemed hurt. “Hey, what’s wrong with my hotel?”

“I noticed you’ve never stayed there with your wife,” observed Darryl.

“I see your point.”

“Guys, I need to really wow her this year,” I pleaded. “I need a good Valentine’s Day or she’s going to kick me to the curb.”

“Propose to her.”

Those three words came out in unison from Darryl and Klondike. A hush came over the bar and the lights dimmed. We looked at each other in disbelief. “Gentlemen, are you suggesting hardware?” I asked.

Neither man answered. The suggestion was on the table and the full weight of idea settled upon us. Did I have the courage to give up my amateur status? Would she say yes? When is the waitress going to bring us more beer?

“You realize what this means don’t you?” I asked.

“What?”

“I’m not going to be able to make big life decisions over beer anymore. I’m going to have to include her.”

“That won’t be so bad. We’ll have a designated driver,” said Klondike.

“No, you idiot. I won’t be able to make the decisions with you guys.”

“That won’t be such a bad thing either,” said Darryl. “The last time we make a big decision together over beers, Klondike ordered fishnet bathrobes for the hotel.”

“Yeah, that was bad one,” said Klondike. “My wife didn’t talk to me for a month. Talk about a bad Valentine’s Day.”

In the dimmed light of the Irish Lion with my two best friends and copious amounts of barley-based wisdom, we hatched the plan for my first proposal attempt. In the two years since Bloomington tried to buy the Dodgers, Kate and I had been through various ups and downs.  This particular February, we were in a down.  I had failed to provide the necessary finger hardware deemed necessary by a woman with a mind for marriage.  No ultimatum had been issued, but I figured it was a matter of time.  So, I knew the guys were right. I had to propose. So, I headed to Brad’s House of Diamonds to secure the proper ring to mark the occasion.  I was turning in my amateur status. I was going pro.

Seven Dead Flamingos will be available this Spring. If you would like to get to know these characters better, please check out Trolley Dodgers.

Want a little more?  Here’s another excerpt from the same chapter:

Ring number three was consumed by a water dwelling reptile of considerable size. I have since considered hunting the creature down in my own Moby Dick style quest for vengeance, but I didn’t want to drive to Indianapolis. Also, the city wouldn’t respond to my request to put a whaling ship in the canal so I could harpoon a giant snapping turtle. Always with the rules and regulations, those city parks people.

The plan was brilliant but it was executed by me so you can probably guess what happened. We spent a fall Saturday in Indianapolis and I decided to ask her to marry me at sunset. I rented a paddle boat and we set off for a canal adventure. Everything was going well, until I reached into my pocket to pull out the ring. A Labrador Retriever chased a duck into the water; keeping Kate distracted enough to let me pull the ring out of my pocket.

Unfortunately, both of us were distracted and didn’t see the other boat. The collision knocked the ring out of my hand and into the water. I spun around and shoved my hand into the canal. I could still see the black box and almost had it when the creature appeared. Startled at first, I pulled my hand back. Then I looked into those blackened hate filled eyes and realized we both wanted the same thing. I plunged my hand back into the water as the giant snapping turtle made for the ring. He won. I fell in.

For a split second, I was on the bottom of the canal, face to face with the creature. He could have easily bit off my nose. Instead, he opened his mouth just enough to show a wicked grin and a small jewelry box in his gullet. Then he swam off with my still yet-to-be fiancé’s engagement ring.

“Why did you dive in the water?” Kate asked as I stood up. (The canal is only a couple of feet deep.)

“I thought I saw a gold watch,” I lied.

She stared at me with the “boy, you are out of your mind” look. I get that look a lot. I started to climb in the boat.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m getting back in the boat.”

“Oh, no you’re not. You walk out of the canal and meet me back at the paddleboat rental shack. You’re not getting back in here and soaking me too. Gold watch, seriously?”

I walked out of the canal with my tail between my legs and my heart in my stomach. I not only made a fool out of myself, but I had lost yet another ring. It was a long wet drive back to Bloomington.

Kate was growing impatient and I didn’t know what to do. Should I tell her about the three failed attempts to propose?  Would she even want to marry a guy who had lost three rings? I’m sure there’s an appendix in the Girls’ Guide to Guys that covers this very scenario. I could imagine it says something like:

“In the event your boyfriend loses three engagement rings, you should consider that immediate grounds for dismissal.  There’s no telling where this guy might leave your first-born child in a moment of weakness or ESPN highlights. Best to send him packing.”

Of course, I have never seen the Girls’ Guide to Guys but I’m sure it exists. And I was equally sure that if I told the truth, I would fall victim of the Three Lost Engagement Rings clause. On the other hand, if I didn’t produce a ring and a proposal soon, I would be cut from the team as well.  I was dealing with a lot of pressure.

With this in mind, I made my way to Brad’s Jewelry Store on last time. When I opened the door, the sales staff gasped. The women shook their heads in disdain or amazement. Or both. One of the ladies scurried back to the office. Undoubtedly, she was looking for the Guide to see what my fate would be.

Brad reacted differently. He reveled in the fact that he was about to take the last few coins from my pocket.  The knowledge that he hadn’t quite bled me dry in the first three purchases (but was about to accomplish the task) brought a wicked smile to his face. I’m certain he glanced at my car to see if it had any trade value.

“So, Mr. Bennett, how can I help you today? You wouldn’t be in the market for another ring would you?”

“Yes, yes I am. I’m down to my last $1,000.” I winced and added, “Please be gentle.”

“You are in luck because I happen to have a beautiful ring that’s only $949. Of course it’s not nearly as beautiful as the last ring I sold you. And it’s considerably less attractive than the ring before that. And let’s face it, it’s a dog compared to that first ring I sold you.”

“You’re not making this any easier.”

“We’re really sorry about your recent string of misfortune and we’re happy to help you with an engagement ring solution.”

So this is what it has come to, I realized. The first ring was a jaw dropping statement of my love. The second was a promise of eternal commitment. The third was a token of my affection. And ring number four would be a solution to my misfortune. Buyer’s remorse didn’t even begin to sum up how I felt when I left Brad’s.

Carry on, Citizens!

Peace, I’m predicting will come from Taiwan.  All we have to do is get followers of Han Dan connected to the factions of Islam that are bent on jihad. No brainer. No problem. And how, do you ask, does this solve world peace? Simple: Jihadists like to blow people up.  Followers of Han Dan like to be blown up. We get them together, and the rest of us can live in peace until the World Series. Why the hell am I not the President?

If you’ve never heard of Han Dan, I’m not surprised. He’s a rather obscurish (yes, I made that up) god, that according to the AP, is a “god of wealth who likes fire but fears the cold, so believers throw firecrackers to please him.” Folks in Taiwan love Han Dan. (Personally, I think the name sounds made up) Shop owners hire people to stand outside their stores and throw fireworks at them.  Apparently it brings good luck. Even better, it saves money on gloves because you’re less likely to need a pair after this ritual.

Now, if we can just get the Jihadists to Taiwan or the Han Danists to the Middle East.  Maybe we can add that to the stimulus package.

Carry on, Citizens!

But, this did get me thinking about people who do this sort of thing and I think I’ve found a shortcut.

Here are some remarkable things I didn’t do:

1. I didn’t sell 4 billion copies of my first novel.
2. I didn’t invent the diagram that shows you how to assemble an Ikea TV stand.
3. I didn’t eat my weight in Cherry Pez.
4. I didn’t save Katie Couric from drowning.
5. I didn’t write the song “Da Doo Run Run.”
6. I didn’t shave Lassie and weave his/her hair into a throw rug.
7. I didn’t discover the cure for Hypochondria.
8. I didn’t make it to the finals of American Idol.
9. I didn’t make a BLT that when looked at from a certain angle, had the heads of all the Stooges (including Shemp) in a Mt. Rushmore pose.
10. I didn’t play bass in the Rolling Stones during the Thailand leg of the Steel Wheels tour.

There you go. A list of things that I didn’t do, but might have claimed if I had the urge to be on CNN. Feel free to add some of your own!

Carry on, Citizens!

I was searching for a new look for the office and it occurred to me that Business Goth really hasn’t taken off in the American workplace. Too bad. I think Goth should be the look of choice of people who hate their jobs. Not that I hate mine, I just don’t have a lot of black apparel and enough singles by The Cure on my iTunes to pull it off.

Of course, there are other business looks that really haven’t taken off either. Such as Business Scott. Or Business Bavarian. Or even Business Pirate. Too bad. I think with all the layoffs and whatnot, we need a costumed business environment to take the edge off the fact that at any given moment you may lose your job, house, and 401k or that this sentence might actually come to an end. Which of course, leads us back to Goth.

So, I’m declaring next Monday to be Business Goth day. Wear black clothes, dye your hair black and paint your nails. Then blast some Cult on your work computer (I’m thinking She Sells Sanctuary from the Love album) and tell your boss that “only brooding in solitude can you truly explore the darkness that encompasses your heart.”

Let me know how that goes. And send me a picture.

Click to expand.

Carry on, Citizens!

Like the blog? Buy the book:

My first complaint comes in at # 2: John Madden.  Madden? Really?  The guy who says things like, “If the other team has the ball, you’re on defense.” And other gems like, “when you have a 3rd and 4 situation, you really need to go for the 1st down.”  If this was a list of the masters of the obvious, then Madden would be on top. All time list of Sports Casters?  Not.

Complaint number two is directed at Jim Gray (#49).  This is the guy who asked Wayne Huizenga if he was going to move the Marlins only minutes after they won the World Series.  Did I mention the interview was pumped through the stadium public address and on TV? Years later Gray ambushes Pete Rose about gambling at a very inappropriate moment.  Gray is classless.  Not on the list.

Mike Tirico over Chris Berman?  What a tool! Bryant Gumbel anywhere on the list.  Oh, hell no! Bud Collins?  Has this guy ever covered a real sport?

I’m going to watch the Super Bowl now, so talk amongst yourselves.  And when you have a chance, let me know what you think of the list.

Carry on, Citizens!

Atheists have been fighting the inclusion of the phrase “So help me God” for many years.  Challenges to the separation of church and state issue have largely been ignored by the higher courts. Judges have cited reasons ranging from the phrase “separation of church and state” not actually appearing in the Constitution to the fact that Atheists tend to be disagreeable little snots that really annoy the judges.

This time, however, the Supreme Court heard the cause of the Atheists after a particularly late night following a Washington Wizards game.  It seems that everyone went back to Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s place for “one more round” and the next thing you know they were handing down decisions from her 12 seat hot tub.  The Supreme Court Justices voted to exclude God from the inauguration but felt that something or somebody should come at the end of “so help me,” inasmuch as it just sounds wrong.

After passing around a bottle of Captain Morgan’s, the Justices concluded that Pokey would complete the phrase nicely.  Justice Alito said, “Pokey is a nonthreatening character to theists and atheists as evidenced by the fact that nobody in the history of the United States has brought a Pokey related lawsuit before this court.  Gumby, yes. But not Pokey. Pokey’s reputation is unblemished.”

Atheist activists considered the decision a win at first. However, news that a new Gumby and Pokey movie might cause a new legion of fans to worship Pokey, has Atheists considering another lawsuit.

Carry on, Citizens!

We had a 40% increase in Christmas Assistance applications.  Though many people were frightened by the thought of running out of toys, my staff (who I appreciate more than they know) never doubted we could do it. Neither did I.  And that faith was rewarded. Not only did we manage to serve 917 families, we loaded an entire box truck with extra toys. Fishes and loaves…

I was also introduced to 5 Hour Energy drink on one of our many 14+ hour days. (Thanks Crissy!!) It came in handy more than once during the past few months.  I’m not complaining though. We serve too many people that are worse off than us to fall in that trap.  But this year was definitely harder.  I guess that’s why it makes it so much more rewarding and humbling that today we can announce that we hit our Christmas goal of $2,750,000!

Indianapolis is a special place. Many other cities in the Midwest were not able to meet the demand this year. But Central Indiana really came through.  Of course, there are many people to thank. Everyone at WISH-TV, WIBC, Emmis Communications, Planned Investments, Wal-Mart, and Mayor Greg Ballard. There are too many to list here, but we’re grateful just the same.

Tomorrow, I’ll get back to the usual nonsense that comprises this blog. And, I’ll commence the final stages of 7 Dead Flamingos -a novel that’s been in the works for three years! It has taken that long because seeing those fishes and loaves moments takes a lot of time. And a lot of 5 Hour Energy Drinks.

Thank you, Citizens!

1. Indiana vs. Purdue.
2. Indiana State vs. Ball State
3. Duke vs. Florida International
4. Idaho vs. Louisiana Monroe
5. Utah State vs. Northern Illinois

Enjoy the game!

Carry on, Citizens!

“So will algae and mold.” ~ Jeff  Stanger

Continental Airlines successfully conducted a test flight with a Boeing 747 powered by biofuel today.  Now, when I think biofuel, I think corn. Or, maybe soybeans. I don’t think algae. You don’t think algae. (You don’t do you?) But, the biofuel mad scientists at Continental thought algae.  They proudly claim they’re the first to try to fly a plane powered by algae. I believe them.

Is this taking the Green movement too far? I’m not sure. Don’t expect to fly on an algae powered plane anytime soon, however. UOP, the company that helped develop the technology with Continental says “there isn’t enough sustainable feedstock at the right price point to able to be competitive with petroleum.”

This of course caused me to ponder how the world could produce “sustainable feedstock.” And then it hit me: Mold. There is plenty of mold in the average college student fridge. If algae could be converted to fuel, why not mold? They’re both green! And if mold could be converted, and if it could be harvested from student refrigerators, and if we could power airplanes with it, and if I could end this sentence, Al Gore could finally wander off into the woods in peace.

So, let’s ask President Elect Obama to invest in Mold Fuel.  I just looked in my fridge and there is enough to power my PT Cruiser for at least a week!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Well, we’re going to completely ignore two of those and tell you who “the Citizens” are and why you should become one of them. The Citizens are the regular readers of Carry On Citizens. They are a tribe. They are a tribe of miscreants, ne’er-do-wells, and common housewives. They include students, consultants, celebrities, and even some elected officials.

The Citizens are spread all over the world. Currently the top 10 countries where Citizens reside include:

1. United States
2. Canada
3. Mexico
4. United Kingdom
5. Argentina
6. Philippines
7. Australia
8. Germany
9. Netherlands
10. India

Italy didn’t make the top 10, but our Italian Citizens spend twice as much time on the site as any other country!

As for the United States, the love is clearly in Indiana and California. The top 10 states are:

1. Indiana
2. California
3. Illinois
4. New York
5. New Jersey
6. Texas
7. Ohio
8. Virgina
9. Pennsylvania
10. Massachusetts

The top 10 U.S. Cities for “Citizens” are:

1. Indianapolis, IN
2. Carmel, IN
3. Chicago, IL
4. Beech Grove, IN
5. Mt. Laurel, NJ
6. Peoria, IL
7. New York, NY
8. Greenwood, IN
9. San Francisco, CA
10. Brooklyn, NY

You should become a Citizen too.  As you can see, we’re taking over the world.

Carry on, Citizens!

I’ll be on and off the air all weekend with other fun guests and of course the fun WIBC personalities as well.

Carry on, Citizens!

“Wendy, have you ever heard of Portis?”
“Is that the disease where your skin turns yellow?”
“No, that’s jaundice. Portis is in Kansas.”
“Oh. Do people in Kansas have yellow skin?”
I thought about the question for a moment. “I’m going there very
soon. I’ll let you know,” I answered.

***

By the way, why is the team called the Eskimos?”
“That’s on account of the Oquilluk brothers. They played
outfield for the very first baseball team in Osborne County. ”
“What’s that got to do with Eskimos?”
“They weren’t originally from here, you see. They were from
Alaska. And, they were Eskimos. But they were bad at it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Most Eskimos have a sort of sense about nature, direction,
living off the land and all that. These boys didn’t have none of
that stuff. Took off one winter with their dog sleds to join a seal
hunt, wound up in Kansas.”
“You mean to tell me they drove dog sleds from Alaska
to Kansas?”
“No, the dogs died somewhere in Montana. They claim they
rode buffaloes the rest of the way, but I don’t believe it.”
“And they stayed in Kansas?”
“They weren’t all that sure how to get back.”

***

“I’m Pastor Willoughby, of the First United Church of the
MethoBaptists,” said the tall skinny fellow.
“The first church of what?”
“We’re the First United Church of the MethoBaptists,” he said
proudly. “And when I say first, I really mean first. We’re the first
church in the entire state of Kansas to unite the Baptists with the
Methodists. We might even be the first in the country, although we
haven’t confirmed that.”
Beanie nodded his head to confirm Pastor Willoughby’s
declaration. “Alice Simpson, our beloved organist and church
historian is looking into it as we speak,” the pastor said.
“Well, I hope she comes back with good news,” I answered. “I
know I never heard of such a church.”
Pastor Willoughby looked over his shoulder to the crowd. “I
knew he would be a fine addition to the community.” He turned
back to me, “And what church do you attend, brother?”
“In New York, I attended a Lutheran congregation. We tried to
merge with the Greek Orthodox Church, but we couldn’t agree on
what hats to wear.”

Carry on, Citizens!

As I type this, I’m listening to Pink Floyd’s Learning to Fly and contemplating an hour drive south to Bloomington. Buffalouie’s represents all that is good in this world. Darrin was so kind to post this photo for me and now I’m getting vaklempt. (Check out the comment thread in my last post.)

Darrin’s stint as a Buffalouie’s earns him a spot in the Citizen’s Hall of Fame and the undying affection of my cardiologist. When I die, I don’t want to be embalmed. Just shoot wing sauce in my veins and call it a day.

Check out more of Darrin’s exploits over at lungbarrow.com

Carry on, Citizens!

Also, if you’re in the Indy area tomorrow, check out Celebrity Bell Ringing on Monument Circle. WISH-TV on air staff will be there along with Quinn Buckner, the Pacemates, Colts Cheerleaders, Blue, Boomer, Bowzer, Terri Stacy, Big Joe and all the WIBC folks as well. I’ll see you there!

Carry on, Citizens!

Police say the father showed up to take the kid home. He was drunk, so they arrested him. A little later, the grandparents show up. They had been drinking too. Since the grandmother wasn’t over the legal limit, they didn’t arrest her, but police escorted them home.

At some point, you have to ask yourself if this kid should be rescued from this family altogether. Maybe this is a case where putting this kid in foster care is being merciful.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

twitheads or citizensforjeff

Also, if you haven’t voted for Emperor yet go to voteforemperor.com.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

I’ve also crossed off South Africa. It seems they are suffering from an invasion of deadly rabbits. If it’s anything like the rabbits in the video below, I don’t want any part of it.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, (and please comment) Citizens!

I’m hoping for an interesting case, but nothing violent like a murder case. I want one of those goofball cases like the guy in Boston who threw foot powder at passengers and the crew of a plane.  Or a case like the guy who has been robbing banks in Chicago with a Playboy hat on. 

I’ve got to go, the debate is starting. Don’t forget to vote for Jeff!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

As I’m writing this, there are NO videos airing in any time slots today. On MTV 2, there is one solitary hour devoted to music. Remind me again, what qualifies them to give out Music Awards?  Oh, yeah they have a pseudo repository of music videos on their site. Unless your looking for Miley Cyrus or Clown-ye West, you’re better off using YouTube.

Anyway, you probably have one or two 80′s bands that you’ve been reluctant to tell your friends you liked. Or still like. So, I’m offering you this blog post to get it off your chest. Confess to the world your allegiance to Hair Bands, Alt rock, or even New Wave.  Let me know who was/is your favorite 80′s indulgence(s) and include a link to one of their videos in the comment.  And yes, I still have a crush on Martha Quinn.

… Carry on, Citizens!

Now, Josh had the right to free speech. It says so in the U.S. Constitution. The same constitution that Josh can barely read because he only scored a 500 on his SAT’s.  Somehow, he still managed to go to prep school and get into Georgia Tech. However, listening to him talk and knowing how marijuana tends to mush the melon, I would be willing to bet he couldn’t score a buck fifty on it today.

Anyway, I’m not as freaked out about this as some people. I can think of a few people who have disrespected the anthem just by singing it. Instead it reminds me that we do live in a great country. A country where a semi-literate man can get a college degree for being named All-Conference. A country where a man can earn millions of dollars playing a kid’s game while trashing the system that makes it possible. A country where a spoiled brat like this will never understand the people who sacrifice like this.  God Bless America!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

They have decided they no longer want a President. Or a Congress. They want an Emperor. And, they have asked me to be their candidate. After much deliberation, I have decided to accept the nomination to be your Emperor.  Over the coming weeks, we will lay out the plan for the Empire. In the meantime, go to voteforemperor.com to cast your vote. That’s right, you don’t have to wait until November. You don’t have to be a certain age or even be a U.S. citizen to vote for emperor.  Our goal is to record more votes than George Bush got in 2004. So, vote early and vote often.

You can also join the campaign. We’re seeking volunteers and campaign staff for a variety of positions. So, join the Empire today!

Carry on, Citizens!

2 people reminded me of that today. One is a close friend and the other will be buried in Arlington National Cemetery. In memory of Captain William Powell, who served his country and our community with honor and humility, I’ll let the BoDeans do the talking tonight.

Carry on, Citizens!

Now, I saw the movie Soylent Green years ago (Charleton Heston overacting in the 70′s –good stuff). It’s loosely based on the 1966 novel Make Room! Make Room! by Harry Harrison. The movie is set in some depressing future where resources are depleted and people survive on rationed processed food chips or wafers. These include Soylent Red, Soylent Yellow, and the ever popular (and scarce) Soylent Green. Turns out, Soylent Green is people.

How does that relate to today’s creepy story?  Well, it turns out that a company in Switzerland is turning people into diamonds. (At least they’re being up front about it.) Algoranza will turn your deceased loved one into a diamond for the low price of $7,488. Those wacky Swiss.

I’m sad to say, it gets worse. Apparently there is an American firm offering similar services. Life Gem will make a diamond out of human hair or out of a deceased pet! This raises all sorts of issues. What if jewelers start to sell you diamonds without telling you they came from people or pets?  Is that really a diamond on your engagement ring or is it a road kill deer? Imagine going to pick out a ring and seeing four or five bald hippies leaving the store.  Hmm… on second thought, I see a business opportunity here.

Carry on, Citizens!

That’s right. He’s going to end Interleague play. No longer will fans be subjected to the Reds vs the Royals. No longer will Yankee fans suffer the misery of watching the Nationals. And in San Diego, rejoicing fans are pondering a future without ever having to watch the Orioles bring the their sad product to Petco Park. Now if we can just get Bud Selig tried for crimes against humanity…

Carry on, Citizens!

Gretchen wasn’t the only entertainment, however. Oh sure, there was a game going on, but the Tribe gave up 4 runs early and were down 7-0 mid way through the 5th. They made a game of it scoring 5 runs, but it’s been a long year for Indians.

The most entertainment came from a couple of guys to our left that we dubbed them Satan and the Fat Man. One was wearing a basketball jersey and shorts. Let’s just say he wasn’t built for the outfit. Or, the outfit wasn’t built for him. Either way, he was a largish man, with many pounds on his frame. And, his many pounds were trying to escape from the basketball jersey.

His sidekick had a giant Satan tattoo on his leg.  He was sporting a very scary t-shirt (some sort of mental patient in anguish) and a mullet. What possesses you to get a Satan tattoo? Satan? Actually, I think the answer is no. I’m no expert on the Prince of Darkness, but I’m guessing that having his image tattooed on some mullet wearing redneck’s leg isn’t one of the great accomplishments he’s bragging about in hell.  I bet he’s never sat around at some high level demon business meeting and said, “you know that scrawny mullet wearing guy up in Indy that smells like cheese? Yeah, I’m on his left calf.”

Carry on, Citizens!

Okay, if that’s your measure of the worst city in which to be a fan, then fine Indy is third worst. However, I would argue Tom is not a Sports fan. Nope, not even close. I capitalized sports for a reason. Tom is a little “s” sports fan. He confined himself to the 4 major sports at the top level. If you are a Sports fan (and I know most of the Citizens are) then you’re into watching all kinds of sports. And, you can appreciate minor league and amateur sports as well.

So, our very own COC rankings of the BEST CITY in America to be a SPORTS fan has concluded that Indianapolis is #1! Our rankings are based on one sole criteria: Options! I challenge you to find one other city in America that has as many options as Indy.

We have professional baseball, basketball, and football. Sure the Indians are only AAA, but they are the oldest team in the minor leagues and are second only to the Yankees in championships by a professional franchise. We also have minor league hockey, women’s football, roller derby, a thriving adult baseball community, and even throwback baseball at Conner Prairie.

Are you in to auto racing? This place is heaven. We have the Indy 500 and the Allstate Brickyard.  Indianapolis Motor Speedway, O’Reilly Raceway Park, the Speedrome, the Veladrome (bicycle racing).

Like to run? Indy has 3 half marathons during the year and countless 5K and 10k races.

We have the best facilities in all of sports: Victory Field was voted 3 time best ballpark in the minor leagues. The players voted Conseco Fieldhouse the best arena in the NBA. And Lucas Oil Statdium just opened for business.  And don’t forget Hinkle Fieldhouse, home of the Butler Bulldogs. Dick Vitale rated it in the top 5 venues to see a basketball game.

Speaking of amateur sports, we have the Final 4 every 4-5 years, the Big 10 Tournament (men’s and women’s). At least once a year, IU, Purdue, and Notre Dame play in Indy. We have hosted national swimming and diving championships, volleyball championships, Pan Am games, World Basketball Championships. Starting in 2011, at least 1 round of the men’s and or women’s NCAA basketball tournament will be played in Indy until 2039.

Add all that up, and I would say it’s hard to find a city with more options for Sports fans. Let me know what you think?

Carry on, Citizens!

I went to the Bog Indiana conference this weekend and had a great time. Much love to all that organized and sponsored the event. I’ve come back inspired to post everyday again after a couple of months of spotty interaction with all of you outstanding Citizens! With that in mind, if there is a topic you want me to tackle in the COC way, let me know. Or in other words, what do you want me to make fun of next?

Carry on, Citizens!

Bart Starr played his last game as a Packer in 1971.  In between Bart & Brett, Packer fans had to endure the Chuck Fusina era. And the Blair Kiel era. And 26 other eras. Okay, technically some of those guys were back-ups, but 28 QB’s are listed on the Packer website in the 20 seasons between Brett and Bart. 28 forgetable names in between 2 Hall of Famers.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

(But, before we get to that, let’s talk about not-so-Beijing. It seems the Chinese have been replacing the real Beijing with lots of fake names, and stores, and other tactics to make the Olympic experience better. They even hired 10,000 pretty people to roam the streets during the event. (I was not even considered.) They have even cut down on the number of cars and will shut down factories during the event in an attempt to improve air quality.)

I’m having a great deal of conflict with this year’s Olympics. On the one hand, Katie Couric is on CBS now, so I won’t have to hear her say silly things like “Judo Game” this year. On the other hand, they have announced that this will be the last year for baseball (a sport). But, badminton (an activity) and equestrian (a mode of transportation) will continue.  Worst of all, synchronized swimming will be allowed to continue. Didn’t the movie Caddy Shack prove during the Caddy Day scene that just about anybody can kick their legs to classical music while holding their breath?

For the record, there are only a few sports. 3 in fact: Baseball, Basketball, and Football. Everything else is either a game, a skill, a competition, or an activity.  Not that there’s anything wrong with games, and skills, and activities. They’re just not sports. So, without further ado, here is the list of sports criteria:

1. Teams must be involved
2. Must have defense
3. Officials must be in the field of play
4. There must be an odd number of participants (football – 11,
baseball-9, basketball-5)
5. Dick Button cannot be involved
6. Must be pointless
7. Must have multiple skills involved
8. No judging to determine outcome
9. The crowd cannot be forced to be quiet (Tennis, Golf)
10. Cannot simply be a mode of transportation (running, swimming,
skating, sailing, etc…)

The last time I posted this, it caused a lot of anger and rage amongst people who have been mislead into thinking that a particular game is actually a sport. Sadly, it was if I had told them that there was no Santa Claus. But, eventually we all have to see the fat elf for what he truly is: a sad middle aged guy with a fake beard and a flask of Jack Daniels that he sips between shifts at the Galleria. And eventually you have to come to grips with the fact that weightlifting is really just 2 guys trying to impress a girl in the fifth row by lifting the equivalent of a Honda Civic without getting a hernia.

Feel free to weigh in. Just avoid any injuries.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Alex Rodriguez took a page out of Jose Canseco’s play book by his association with Madonna and subsequent disintegration of his marriage. Somebody better tell A Rod that Madonna turned Canseco into a punchline after his career started on a path to the Hall of Fame.

Finally, I am officially old. I couldn’t stay awake for the 15 inning All Star Game this week. At least Bud Selig didn’t declare it a tie in the 11th.

Carry on, Citizens!

I’ll be racing for Team Wal-Mart, along with the rest of the Red Shield Radio crew. We’re ready to take on all comers so be there!

Ridemakerz will be there as well with the Ridemakerz Experience team.  Chic-Fil-A will be handling the food, so there’s no reason not to stop by!

Carry on, Citizens!

Congrats to the Fresno State Bulldogs on winning the 2008 College World Series. Tonight’s final from Rosenblatt: 6-1.

Carry on, Citizens!

Georgia couldn’t quite get it going tonight. So, Kazoo’s up! Kazoo’s down. Cocktails up! Cocktails down!

…

Last night’s score: 19-10! There were 34 hits and nothing resembling elite level pitching. Fresno State fell behind 5-0 before unleashing an offensive storm that rivaled the real storm that delayed the game 30 minutes. The Left Coast Bulldogs scored 6,5,and 4 runs respectively in the 3rd, 4th, and 5th innings.

We had some technical difficulties, so some of the in-game shots didn’t turn out. But, click the photo to see a handful of shots from before the game.

Carry on, Citizens!

[listen]

Report #2
Jeff reports from Zesto’s Ice Cream in Omaha, Nebraska, home of amazing shakes. Just a few hours until game time (2008 College World Series)!

[listen]

Report #3
The stage is set (Fresno State and Georgia) and tickets are in hand after a fun night with Ticketmaster.

[listen]

some of your plugins might not work with the new version.  This is particularly annoying because I had the coolest plugin ever: FriarFox. It converted the browser skin into a San Diego Padres theme. Very cool. At least it was…

Carry on, Citizens!

There have been several surprises thus far. Miami and FSU losing on day one caught many by surprise. Then underdog Fresno State took down the Owls.  Miami vs FSU provided some great drama, including the country’s best closer, Carlos Gutierrez facing the nation’s best hitter, Buster Posey with the game on the line. Posey drew the walk, with 2 runners on, but Gutierrez managed to get out of the jam.

As I’m writing, Fresno State is trailing North Carolina 3-2.  FYI- A great way to follow the game online is to listen to 1620 The Zone’s streaming broadcast and view the CSTV GameTracker. If you’re not familiar with GameTracker, give it a look. The player animations are pretty funny and the in-game info is like sitting in the press box. Okay, that’s probably an overstatement. Nothing is like sitting in the press box at Rosenblatt.

Stay tuned for more CWS updates.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

After several long days, I was pretty tired when I got home. But, I was grateful to have a home to come to at the end of the day. Many Hoosiers don’t have that luxury tonight. Also, waiting for me at home was an envelope from FedEx.  College World Series tickets were inside. Life’s good.

Carry on, Citizens!

It’s that time of year again! I’ll be watching a lot of college baseball this weekend as the Super Regionals unfold. Going to Omaha? I’ll be there putting the finishing touches on Seven Dead Flamingos!

Carry on, Citizens!

Here is a link to some photos of what we’ve been up to the past few days.

Here is a link to Jake and Terri’s video tour of the destruction.

Carry on, and help your fellow Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Why, you might ask?  Well, most NFL experts are deeply concerned that when the current collective bargaining agreement runs out, the two sides are so far apart that there may be a lockout. When does it run out? After the 2010 season. When would the lockout occur? The 2011 season. When does the Super Bowl take place for the 2011 season? You guessed it, 2012.  We just got awarded the Super Bowl to a season that might not happen. Somebody cue the Canadian chick. “A little too ironic…”

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

So, today I’m back with a vengeance –ready to large damage in the blogosphere.  Tonight, I’ll forgo the usual nonsense and ask you to remember that it’s National Salvation Army Week. Stop by the Wal-Mart in Fishers between 3pm and 6pm tomorrow for Ramp to Camp. 107.9 the Track will be there with 2 Men & a Truck raising money to send kids to camp. I’ll be there with at least one other member of the Red Shield Radio team.  On Friday, (not sure if it will be the morning or afternoon show yet) I’ll be at the Emmis Building on Monument Circle passing out candy bars courtesy of Target and the Salvation Army.

Also, if you’re into racing, sign up for the Red Shield Rally (July 12).  Go-cart racing for adults and RC cars for the kids. Lots of other surprises in the works for that event too.

Oh, yeah that book thing… Kansaska is available for Kindle! If you own the popular ebook reader from Amazon, download a copy of Kansaska.  Trolley Dodgers will be available for Kindle in the next few weeks.

Finally, I’ll be signing books on May 31st in Greenwood. Details to follow.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Well, today that someone is me. And that girlfriend/boyfriend that is about to dump you is Hillary and Obama. Despite their delegate fed love affair with Indiana the past few weeks, at 6pm you’re going to get dumped. Think of it as the guy/girl who only dated you because your parents had Colts tickets. After the game, you got punted. And, that’s what is going to happen to Hoosiers tonight. We’ll get punted for other states with other delegates.

You see, the quirkiness of our primary system made Indiana relevant —for a while. Even without a horse in the race, staunch Republicans, Libertarians, and independents seemed to get a little intoxicated by the media attention.

But, don’t despair. Did you really want those two hanging around the state much longer anyway? I didn’t think so.

Carry on, Citizens!

And now, a quarter century plus 1 later, Julio Franco has retired. Consider that twelve of the current managers in baseball are younger than Julio. In 1982, the youngest player in the league was Edwin Nunez (19 yo). Nunez retired 14 years ago. Also making his debut that year was Tony Gwynn. Tony’s been retired for 7 years.

Julio became the oldest active position player in MLB history. At 49, some of us thought he would keep playing forever. Consider that the Tampa Bay Rays, celebrating their 10th anniversary, came into the league 16 years after Julio. Along the way, he has played for 8 MLB teams, 2 Japanese League teams, 1 Korean League team, 2 Mexican League teams, and one Dominican Winter league team.

During his 26 year odyssey, he was a 3 time All Star, won a batting title, and compiled over 4,200 hits combined over his career. Incidentally, only Ty Cobb and Pete Rose have accomplished that feat. So, hats off to Julio and to an amazing career that started the summer before I entered high school. Yikes! I’ve changed careers at least 3 or 4 times during that span. You just finished your first. Well played.

Carry on, Citizens!

For more on Julio’s career, check out this article on ESPN’s page 2.

Carry on, Citizens!

It’s been 20 years since those words were uttered by Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) in the movie Bull Durham. I thought you might to know some interesting tidbits about one of the funniest baseball movies of all time:

From IMDB

• Director/writer Ron Shelton was formerly a minor league player in the Carolina League.
• The movie was filmed on location in North Carolina in October and November, 1987, which is why the grass had to be touched up with green paint. It is also why the breath of the actors can be seen in many of the night scenes.

• In one scene, ‘Nuke’ LaLoosh (Robbins) gives up a home run that strikes the bull, supposedly rewarding the opposing hitter with a free steak. In reality, at the old Durham Athletic Park, the bull was in foul territory.
• Kevin Costner (Crash Davis) is a switch hitter; he is shown hitting both left and right-handed at different points in the film.
• In the scene where the batboy tells Crash Davis “Get a hit, Crash”, Kevin Costner ad-libbed the response of “Shut up.” Since the kid actor playing the batboy obviously didn’t know this response was coming, he started crying.
• The bull sign in the old ballpark was built for the film, but was retained by the Durham Bulls as a new, old tradition. It is a staple of the new ballpark, complete with red eyes, smoking nose and lifted tail when a Bull hits a home run. It also says, “Hit bull, win a steak. Hit grass, win a salad.”
• The “rainout” scene was based on actual event. In the late 1960s, Ron Shelton played minor-league ball in the Texas League. Shelton’s team was in Amarillo, Texas for a season-ending series. The night before the final game, Shelton, some teammates and some Amarillo players were out partying and decided to go to the stadium and turn on the sprinkler system, thereby flooding the field and ensuring a “rainout”. However, the Amarillo team owner rented a helicopter, dried the field, and the game was played.
• ‘Kurt Russell’ helped Ron Shelton develop the script and was originally penciled in to play Crash, the part that went to Kevin Costner. After the film was made, Russell was so impressed, he actually wrote fan letters to Costner and Shelton.
• Ron Shelton was a former minor league baseball player and used his experience as the basis for the story.
• Kurt Russell, who helped Ron Shelton develop the script, also played minor league baseball in the early-1970s
• As the credits are rolling at the end of the film the picture (which is made to be a shrine) is of Yankee great Thurman Munson who died in plane crash.
• Ron Shelton reportedly based the character of Nuke LaLoosh on a minor league teammate from his playing days named Steve Dalkowski. Dalkowski is something of a legend among baseball fans and is widely regarded as the fastest throwing pitcher ever. Unlike the character in the film, Dalkowski never made the major leagues.
• The poem that Annie refers to when she says that “the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom” is William Blake’s “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell”.
• During a conversation between Crash and Nuke on the team bus, a newspaper’s sports page is shown briefly with a headline reading “Hard-hittin’ Whiten”. At the time the movie was filmed in 1987, Mark Whiten was a top prospect for the Toronto Blue Jays in the South Atlantic League and made that league’s All-Star Game. Whiten said he missed his brief moment of fame when he first saw the movie in the theatre, but caught it when he rented it later. Whiten went on to have a fairly ordinary 11-year career in the majors highlighted by one 1993 game in which he tied two major league records with four homers and 12 RBI.
• Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon first met during the filming of this movie.
• The bar scene takes place in Mitch’s Tavern on Hillsborough Street in Raleigh, North Carolina, across the street from NC State University. Today, in Mitch’s there are a few mementos from the movie: framed film still of Crash Davis and Annie Savoy (autographed by Susan Sarandon and Kevin Cosnter) and glass door which Nuke Laloosh breaks is framed. The furniture, fixtures, and layout of the tavern largely remain the same as they were in 1988.
• Real-life couple Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have stated that of all the films they have made during their respective careers, this remains their personal favorite.
• According to director Ron Shelton in the DVD Commentary, he came up with the name Ebbie Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh (Tim Robbins) after being served in a restaurant by a waiter named Ebbie Calvin “Nook” LaRoosh. Shelton thought it was a stand out name and changed the spelling of the nickname and last name.
• The costume designer did a little research and learned that the last baseball jersey number director Ron Shelton ever wore as a minor league player was number 8. So she gave Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) that number.
• There really was a ballplayer named “Crash” Davis. Ron Shelton found his name in a baseball listing as a minor leaguer and American Legion player. Realizing that he would have to have the permission of the real Davis to use his name (and thus avoid a lawsuit). When Shelton approached Davis, he was asked “Do I (Meaning Costner)get the girl in the end?” Shelton told him he does and Davis signed off his permission.
• In the scene where the Bulls have returned from the long road trip, Annie is seen at the game wearing a black veil and appearing as if she had just come from a funeral. This is because the previous scene, where Annie attends Max Patkin’s funeral, was deleted in post-production. Ron Shelton had written a scene where Max was killed in a car crash during the season.
• The front of the Wheaties box from which Crash eats depicts Chicago Bears great Walter Payton.

Carry on, Citizens!

Nathan Smith told the police he was acting on a bet. The story doesn’t say if he won. (What are they teaching in journalism schools these days? That was such an obvious question!)

Not lost on me was the location of the team: Scranton. Could this be part of an episode of The Office?

Carry on, Citizens!

They represent the campaigns of Hillary, Obama, and McCain. They want to know what I’m going to do. As if the whole thing comes down to me! I can’t handle the pressure. It’s got me climbing the walls and considering a move to Istanbul (not Constantinople).

Of course, I’m not giving them any information. They wouldn’t give me any information. You see, I’ve invited all 3 major candidates to come on our radio show on WIBC, and (this will shock you) none of them have given me the time of day. And, I’m sorry to report to you loyal Citizens that none of them have accepted our offer. I just can’t see how you can hope to ascend to the ultimate Somebody Throne without coming on Red Shield Radio.

Now for some housekeeping: No t-shirt winner this week. Come on people, step it up on the comments! This week I will throw in a used printer cartridge, Solo plastic cup that I actually drank from, and my electric bill if you promise to pay it.

As for the Midlife Crisis poll, Jason made a good point. I need the WordPress voting plugin. As for the suggestions, as much as the chin implant is intriguing, I’m not going that direction. Not so big on the butt tattoo either (thanks Brian). So, I’ve decided to finish Flamingos. I know that doesn’t sound radical, but it’s the third book. And, it’s going to be the best book (of mine). I’m sure of it.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

1. Jerusalem
2. Ireland
3. Sydney
4. Hawaii
5. London

Places to Never, Ever Go:

1. North Pole
2. South Pole
3. Anywhere that daylight or night lasts months
4. Congo
5. Congo (twice, so I’ll remember not to go there. I mean it. Under any circumstances. Here’s why.)

If you were brave enough to click the link above, you have undoubtedly crossed Congo off your list (assuming it was ever on your list). How great it is to live in a country where witch doctors can’t undermine what nature (or Enzyte) has freely given us.

Carry on, Citizens!

Jerry Jones tried to nullify the trade, claiming he meant this Pacman and not this Pacman. However, Titans ownership was quoted as saying, “We put up with the human crime wave for 3 years. You guys signed the deal, he’s your problem now.” Titans coach Jeff Fisher also added, “You might want to have a bail bondsman on retainer.” FYI-Pacman Jones has been arrested six times and been involved in incidents involving police showing up 12 times since he was drafted in 2005.

Most NFL pundits expected Pacman to wind up playing for the Cincinnati Bengals where that sort of behavior is actually encouraged. A Bengals front office spokesman who refused to be named told me that, “We thought Pacman was a lock. We took him to a strip club and let him beat up an autograph seeker from Dayton. It was the perfect Pacman weekend, we thought.”

Carry on, Citizens!

I’ll give you a great memoir idea. I have a friend who worked for Jerry Tarkanian, Bob Knight, and Mark Cuban. That’s a memoir folks.  I hope he writes it one day.

Carry on, Citizens!

A few weeks ago, I promised free t-shirts for Citizen Comments. I’m a little tardy, but starting this week, we will give out a t-shirt every Monday. This week’s Star Citizen is Melissa Frye for the “Chin Implant” comment. What will they think of next? Anyway, Melissa wins her choice of a Kansaska t-shirt or a Future Karnies of America t-shirt.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Should I:

1. Buy a sports car.
2. Get a tattoo.
3. Die my hair blond. Or brown.  Or orange.
4. Quit my job and wander the country taking pictures of doormats and living off vermin.
5. Devote myself to the advancement of prosthetic limbs for armadillos.
6. Run for president.
7. Start the movement to get President Taft added to Mt. Rushmore.
8. Write a screenplay.
9. Other.

Let me know what you think.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

She went on to say that she wears a gold AK-47 around her neck to, “to symbolize strength, power and killing ‘em dead.”

And just like her political counterparts, she spun her way out of it a few days later. “My comments about `gangsta rap’ were in no way trying to suggest that the government is responsible for creating this genre of rap music,” she now claims.  Keys did not respond to our request to answer, who she now believes is responsible for “the ploy to convince black people to kill each other.” However, our sources indicate she has been in touch with O.J. Simpson and may soon implicate the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson or Pee Wee Herman. It could go either way.

As for the gold AK-47, she retreated as well, claiming her friends gave her the nickname, “as an acronym for Alicia Keys and a metaphor for wowing people with my music and performances, `killing ‘em dead’ on stage. The reference was in no way meant to have a literal, political or negative connotation.”

She went on to say that, “I think all of us, including our leaders, could be doing more to address these problems including drugs, gang violence, crime, and other related social issues.”  Really? All of us?  Doing More? You mean like not wearing solid gold guns around our necks?

Carry on, Citizens!

What kind of irresponsible motivation is that?  That’s just the kind of thing that makes people like Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain run for President.  Stop it already with the motivational holidays! Next, we’re going to have people thinking they can go from Karaoke hacks to record deals. (Oh crap, that already happened. See what I mean!)

I hope this holiday remains in the Obscure category where it belongs. I don’t need Hallmark creating a line of Reach as High as You Can cards to remind me how desperately far off track my life has gone. (Somebody please buy my books so I can afford therapy!)

But hey, don’t let me get in the way of you reaching for your dreams. And to get you started, I’ll leave you with some motivational gems from the wisest man in America: Homer Simpson.

“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

“If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.”

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

So, if you’re a reasonably attractive single woman, with a good sense of humor, can tolerate baseball, and is  looking for a “more positive and supportive match-up” feel free to lower your standards to me. Hey, these science guys can’t be wrong.  They have PHD’s, drive Volvos, and read a lot. They know what they’re talking about!

Carry on, Citizens!

Unfortunately, they have really missed an opportunity to educate their people about America. You see, I have always maintained that The Simpsons was actually a documentary.  As funny as it is, it’s a pretty accurate amalgamation of American life. Who doesn’t know one of those characters in real life?  Baywatch, on the other hand, is as close to real life as Pam Anderson’s cleaveage is to real… well, you get the idea.

Carry on, Citizens!

Several teams have new uniforms or have added alternate jerseys. Thumbs up to the Blue Jays and Royals for bringing back the classic powder blue uniforms. Thumbs down to Tampa for changing their names to the Rays and basically copying the Padres jerseys. They had one of the unique color schemes in the league. What were they thinking?

It’s sad to consider, but Trevor Hoffman may be headed for middle relief. The career saves leader and future lock for the Hall of Fame has blown a save and recorded two losses this year. Go back to the end of last year when he blew two saves to allow the Rockies (I just threw up in my mouth remembering those games) to move on to the playoffs. This isn’t the way we want to remember Hoffman. For anybody who stood in Qualcomm or Petco Park while the PA played Hell’s Bells as Hoffman entered the stadium, there was nothing more chilling in all of sport. Most batters had two strikes in their heads before Trevor stepped on to the mound. Oh, well. Life goes on…

Carry on, Citizens!

Not to be outdone, Hank Steinbrenner announced that he hired Ninjas to attack adult Boston fans at New Yankee Stadium.  When reporters pointed out that the Boston hawk attacked a child, Steinbrenner replied, “Oh, we haven’t forgotten about the kids. That’s why he hired Sarah Jessica Parker to scare the heck out of any kids wearing Boston gear.”

In related news, sources are reporting that the University of Michigan is training an army of wolverines to invade West Virgina.  A spokesman for the university said, “we’ve taken three of WVU’s head coaches and they’re a little bitter. The wolverines will really give them something to cry about.”

MSNBC announced that if Michigan and West Virginia do go to war, they would devote 24 hour a day coverage to the event since, as they put it, “we’re as tired as the rest of America of Chris Mathews.”

Carry on, Citizens!

The sky now divides
To bring you back into the fold
Welcome home
Still my need to recognize
Any comfort you may show
Only grows
Guess I’ll learn to accommodate
While my heart just sits and waits
Maybe God you found
Maybe is all that you can offer now

Where am I to take refuge
When the storms of pain release
Shelter me
This blessedness of life
Sometimes brings me to my knees
I call on Thee
I have not the words to write
A Farewell to you tonight
Maybe God you found
Maybe is all that you can offer now

I know hearts are weeping
While your voice is now singing
On high, angel on high

I have not the words to write
A Farewell to you tonight
Maybe God you found
Maybe is all that you can offer now

–E. Rowland

Tomorrow the Citizens can carry on. Tonight, they weep with Brian and Amanda.

Personally, I want Al Gore to throw his hat in the ring. Notice I DID NOT say I wanted Gore to be President. I don’t! I just want him to run. You see, when Al Gore runs for President, we all win. Al has been running for President off and on since the 80′s. In fact, I had to write a campaign strategy for his 1988 attempt for a Political Science class at IU. I got a B+ for the project and the professor said if he had used my strategy, he might have stayed in the race longer. (He didn’t say Gore would have won, using my plan, but I was happy with the grade.)

Anyway, a Gore campaign is good for the country. For one, he spends lots of money and that’s good for the economy. Secondly, he will undoubtedly find himself in the middle of a controversy (2000) and that keeps Britney Spears and American (Idol) Karaoke off the news for a day or two. Finally (and most importantly), Gore says the most ridiculously crazy stuff. He’s the gift that keeps on giving. Consider these past gems:

(NY Times: 8/12/00) “When my sister and I were growing up,” Mr. Gore told a small audience made up mostly of women, “there was never any doubt in our minds that men and women were equal, if not more so.”

Oct. 25 2000 JACKSON, Tenn. (Reuters) — Criticizing Bush’s Social Security privatization plan at a rally in Tennessee, Gore said, “He is proposing to privatize a big part of Social Security and he’s proposing to take $1 trillion, a million billion dollars out of the Social Security trust fund and give it as a tax incentive to young workers.”
A trillion is one thousand billion, not a million billion.

(Source: Washington Post, Sept. 24 2000) At a Sept. 22 press conference, Gore stated “I’ve been a part of the discussions on the strategic reserve since the days when it was first established.” However, President Ford established the Strategic Petroleum Reserves when he signed the Energy Policy and Conservation Act (EPCA) on December 22, 1975 — two years before Al Gore became a congressman.

Did you ever wonder where the “no, but I stayed in a Holiday Inn last night” campaign came from? Well, you can credit Al Gore for it. Really! Read what he said

(Washington Post, June 14, 2000 Milwaukee, WI – “I’m very familiar with the importance of dairy farming in Wisconsin. I’ve spent the night on a dairy farm here in Wisconsin. If I’m entrusted with the presidency, you’ll have someone who is very familiar with what the Wisconsin dairy industry is all about.”

How can we endure 6 more months of election coverage without Al to delight us with his nonsense? And I didn’t even get into the internet and zebra comments. The fact is, Al makes the election entertaining. Since it’s painfully obvious that Americans would rather be entertained than take politics seriously, give us a candidate that makes us laugh.

I think we need a Constitutional Amendment requiring Al Gore to run for President every election until he dies, or until Cartman is of legal age to run, whichever comes first.

Carry on, Citizens!

I wanted to take Opening Day off this year, but I had to be at work.  I still managed to eat some Cracker Jack. And I still managed to sing Take Me Out to the Ballpark.  Only my turtles complained.

Carry on, Citizens!

Anyway, this is the type of post we could do regularly and you can participate as well. So, send me your favorite scene in one of your favorite movies and we will post it. (Until the movie studio that owns the clip sues YouTube. : )

Consult the Book of Armaments, and Carry on, Citizens!

Okay, am I being paranoid, or does the guy in the ad look eerily similar to me? This really creeped me out. It goes beyond dropping a cookie to track your internet patterns and then target ads to you. When the person behind the internet (Al Gore) can start dropping you into the actual ads, it’s time to frightened. The least he could have done was put a supermodel next to me, so it looked like I was having fun while espousing the virtues of internet phone service (Which, for the record, I hate. We have a Vonage competitor’s service at the office and I have to reset it at least once a week. Pure rubbish.)

If you’ve seen yourself in an add, let me know.

Carry on, Citizens!

Thanks to marvelous citizen Debbie Marshall for sending me this video today. One of the top 100 moments in baseball history, Rick Monday’s play is an inspiration to everyone who holds the flag dear and thinks that we should treat it with respect –both for the country it represents and the men & women who died to protect it.  (Wow, that was a long sentance!) Wish I could find a Rick Monday Cubs jersey…

Carry on, Citizens!

As alert citizen Katie Jenkins pointed out, I haven’t posted since last Thursday. Since that time, I had to suffer through an IU loss in the NCAA Tournament, a nasty bout with the flu, and (due to the flu) a loss in the current blog war with my blog nemesis, Elizabeth. She now has a two game lead on me.

I’m still recovering from the flu. Come to think of it, I’m still recovering from the IU basketball season. But, it’s not over. Now we have to go through weeks/months of the search for a new coach. We’ll have to endure Andy Katz claiming to know “insider info” on who the next coach will be. I for one haven’t forgotten how he named everybody but Kelvin Sampson the last time around.

Personally, I’m not ready to make a prediction yet. I will say that I won’t be disappointed if Dan Dakich gets the job. That might seem crazy, given how the season ended. But, I don’t think you can lay that at Dan’s door. I think he tried to keep things as normal as possible to get through the end of the season. I think given the job, things would look a lot different. I also don’t buy the argument that he wouldn’t be able to recruit. During my time in Bloomington, I always found him to be personable and at ease in any setting. I have no doubt that he could sell a kid on IU. As for his record at Bowling Green, it wasn’t stellar. But, maybe he learned a few things along the way. Plus, he had more than his share of bad breaks at Bowling Green. In his last 5 years, his starters missed a combined 124 games due to injuries.

Take for example a coach you may remember. His records in his 9th, 10th, and 11th year as a coach at the school he is famous for were respectively 16-10, 16-9, 14-12. By most current big time basketball standards, those seasons would have probably resulted in the coach being fired. But this particular college stood by their coach. And in year 16, he won a National Championship. Then he won another. After a “down” year, he won seven more. After another “down” year, he won one more. That coach was John Wooden and the school UCLA. Someone once asked me if I thought we would ever see a dynasty like UCLA again. I said no, but not for the reasons most pundits offer (players leaving early, parity, expanded tournament field, etc.). I said it’s because no school is going to give a coach 15 years to perfect his craft.

I’m not saying that Dakich is the next John Wooden and if someone else gets the job, I’ll support whoever it is. But, I like Dan. And I hope he’s on the sideline when I go to Assembly Hall next year.

Carry on, Citizens!

Thanks to the team behind the book:

• Lorrie Algate- Editing, cheerleading and having the good sense to have relatives in Kansas and Nebraska.
• Terry Sowka- Editing, fact checking, quality control, and knowing state capitals.
• Justin Bessler- Cover design, interior layout, logos, working for food.
• Brian Groce- All things web and technical. A geek’s geek to be sure.
• Marge Kirkpatrick- Official Historian of Kansaska

And a large thanks to Matt Algate. Much of the story of Kansaska was conceived during a road trip to Omaha to see the College World Series. We left him out of the credits of the paperback and that was a HUGE oversight. So, we will make sure to include him in the other editions. Speaking of which, Kindle owners (along with other ebook solutions) will be able to download a copy very soon. (Probably 2 weeks or less.)

Finally, if you order online at B&N or Amazon, please remember to post a review!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

I have never thought of auctioning off anything, let alone my life. I have to admit, I’m Ebay illiterate. But, in the interest of fun, I thought maybe you would like to suggest something for me to auction off. I’ll take suggestions for the next week or so, and then pick something to sell on Ebay. Fire away!

Carry on, Citizens!

Random Notes:

I updated the 40 video from a few days ago. There are new pics from some of you.

Butler got hosed by the NCAA selection committee. They earned a much higher seed than 7. What do the Dogs have to do do get respect?

Carry on, Citizens!