When I arrived at work the next day, my editor told me to cover an upcoming protest by the DWARVES (Defenders of Wetlands, Animals, Rainforests, Vegetation, Ecosystems, and Swampland). “Ira, I’m a sports columnist. Why are you giving this to me?”

“Baseball is a game where a curve is an optical illusion, a
screwball can be a pitch or a person, stealing is legal and you
can spit anywhere you like except in the umpire’s eye or on
the ball.”
~ Jim Murray

I Was Kidding
“When I was a small boy in Kansas, a friend of mine andI went fishing . . . I told him I wanted to be a real MajorLeague Baseball Player, a genuine professional like HonusWagner. My friend said that he’d like to be President of theUnited States. Neither of us got our wish.”~ Dwight D. Eisenhower
I spit Coke all over the microphone. As it shot through my nose, I slammed my cup down, gasped for breath and feebly attempted to compose myself. Jesse held up his left arm, …

Klondike?s wife was protesting Klondike. Apparently since the morning in the diner, he had been consumed with the Dodgers. So much so, that he had missed their anniversary the night before. She carried a sign that said ?Keep Frank Lopilato off the Board of Directors.? On the opposite side of the sign, it read ?Ask me Why He?s a Bad Husband.? No one did.
Poor Klondike. He was probably the best husband and father at the meeting. He was faithful, loving, and gentle. …

?Maybe I?m aiming too low.?
?Maybe you?re aiming too high.?
?From the looks of your bathroom, I?d say you?re not aiming at anything.?
?Sorry, I meant to clean the place before you got here.?
?Next time I?ll give you a week?s notice.?
?Why a week??
?There are bacteria in there picketing for better working conditions!?
?I know –they?re never satisfied. Last week it was for longer breaks and holiday pay.?
–Trolley Dodgers—