They must have missed my frequent run-ins with PETA. (I love animals, especially the tasty ones.) They must have missed my bid to become Emperor of the United States (a lot of Obama and McCain voters are regretting not making me Emperor these days). And they most certainly missed the back cover of my novel Trolley Dodgers. It clearly shows that I’m not a black woman. 

I have come to realize that the Occupy movement has generated a lot of attention —and in the book selling world, attention is gold! And being the shameless free market capitalist that I am, I feel the need to capitalize on this opportunity. So, I’ve decided to give the various sub-cultures of the Occupy movement plenty of reasons to protest me.

1. Hipsters- Hipsters are still a little hacked that I called the faux-hawk the mullet of the new millennium. Trust me, this look is going to come back and bite some people about the time their kids pull out the year books. So, go ahead, shoot protest the messenger.

2. Unions- The labor movement should protest me because I know exactly where Jimmy Hoffa is hiding. Notice I said hiding instead of buried. That’s because since 2006, Jimmy has been working as a manservant in my home. He answers to the name Shamus and I routinely make him work 10 hour shifts while providing no benefits.

3. Corporate Haters- I’m typing this on a Mac, made by the uber-corporation known as Apple. I will continue to write on my Mac until you can show me a computer whose parts are organically grown, assembled in a free range factory that has zero carbon footprint and is powered by pixie dust and Coldplay songs, with unionized workers that only have to work 6 minutes a week and can never be fired, even if they sacrifice a goat, and who enjoy same species benefits and unlimited Yoohoo in the break room. (Management apologizes for the ridiculously long preceding sentence.)

4. Anarchists- Actually, I’m protesting you. I’m protesting all “ists.” I am protesting you because if you ever succeed, there won’t be baseball. And if there’s no baseball, there’s no Game 6. And if there’s no Game 6, then life would stink as bad most of you did on day 39 of sleeping in your own filth in Zuccatti Park.

5. Activists- Congrats! You protested and lived like homeless people long enough to cost local businesses nearly half a million dollars —which may turn their owners into actual homeless people! So please, protest the hell out of me. I think it will help me sell more books. I’m going to use the profits to help homeless people —the real ones, not the pseudo-intellectual ones.

Click to enlarge.

Carry on, Citizens!

“Yeah, pretty much.” ~Jeff Stanger 2010

The owner of Segway was found dead at the bottom of a cliff today, his personal segway by his side. What are the odds? Will segway sales plummet? Will Oliver Stone make a conspiracy movie out of the story? Will Alanis be relevant again?

I thought about probing these tough questions, but then decided it would be more fun to look for other forms of irony. Such as the recent poll that found that atheists knew more about religion that Protestants and Catholics. Does this mean Christian schools aren’t teaching the basics or that somebody is secretly sneaking religion into public schools without Atheist parental consent? (I imagine Michael Moore is choking on a chili dog after reading that last sentence.)

Carry on, Citizens!

Anyway, as I did in 2008, I wanted to be the first to write a 2010 year in review. So, 364 days early, here’s what happened in 2010.

January:

• The Association of University Scientists Who SWEAR Global Warming is Real announce their annual meeting in Kansas City is canceled due to a blizzard.
• During the State of the Union Address, President Obama announces that GM will reintroduce the Chevy Vega. He also announces his desire to “address the single American problem, now that Health Care has been solved.”

February:

• On Groundhog Day, PETA protests using animals to predict the weather in Punxsutawney, PA. The Groundhog predicts 6 more weeks of winter, then gnaws the leg off of one of the protesters. Video of the attack gets 7.5 million hits on YouTube.
• Fearing a drop in romance due to the Great Recession, Congress announces a Cash For Cupid Program. Tax credits are given for the purchase of red roses, heart shaped candy boxes, and those chalk tasting little candies with stupid little phrases like “Be Mine” on them.
• Singles Against Discrimination (S.A.D.) files a lawsuit against the government for not being able to take advantage of Cash for Cupid. Congress amends the program adding a Cash for Internet Dating Program. The President hails the legislation as the first step towards getting all 101 million single Americans a date by Memorial Day.

March:

• In a stunning display of political correctness gone wrong, members of the House and Senate announce that St. Patrick’s Day should be spectrum neutral and refuse to wear green. Tea Party activists refer to themselves as the Green Tea Party for one day in protest. 98% of Americans ignore both of them.
• 3 days into Spring Training, the Padres announce that they are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
• Upon realizing that Cash For Cupid and Cash for Internet Dating aren’t budget neutral, President Obama sells North Dakota to Canada.

April

• Kentucky wins the National Championship in basketball. Investigators announce that recruiting violations will force them to vacate the championship only hours later. John Calipari celebrates the third Final Four he “didn’t go to” by going to Disney World.
• Led Jeffelin announces they will reform and go on tour.

May

• President Obama announces his Get All the Single People a Date program is successful. Republicans claim that 23 million people still have not been on a date. The administration later admits to counting all of Paris Hilton’s dates twice.

June:

• Hank Blevins of Utica, NY successfully friends everyone on Facebook.
• In-fighting and a tour bus with a faulty toilet force the Led Jeffelin tour to cancel several shows.

July

• Apple announces a new rotary iPhone for retro hipsters. It sells out in less than a day, but users are furious when they find that a woman in Mayberry, NC named Sarah must connect them to all their calls.
• Led Jeffelin plays to a crowd of 100,000 in Central Park.

August:

• A 96 degree day in St. Louis prompts Al Gore to hold a press conference to announce Global Warming is real. And he REALLY means it this time.
• Congress passes the first piece of legislation that every man, woman, and child in North America agrees with: The banning of the Geico Caveman commercials from television.

September:

• The government announces that now that they have fixed everyone up in America on a date, it’s time to start working on that second date.
• Led Jeffelin announces that the tour has prompted them to go back into the studio and record their first album in 23 years.

October:

• The Yankees win another World Series in front of a crowd of 17 people.
• Approximately 93 percent of American teenagers dress up as a Twilight character for Halloween. The cool 7 percent toilet paper their houses.

November:

• In a shocking political development, the Libertarian Party captures the majority of seats in the House and Senate.
• President Obama pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, but Vice President Biden accidentally backs over it with his car.
• The Detroit Lions lose on Thanksgiving Day again.

December

• Congress announces a Cash for Christmas campaign and gives tax credits for people buying Christmas presents. This prompts Jews, Muslims, Pagans, and the guy who invented Festivus to demand their own tax credits. The Administration announces, they will give tax credits to anyone who buys anything for any reason in December.
• The Great Recession officially ends, but the U.S. Debt is so high that we have give California to China for collateral.
• Hank Blevins successfully follows everyone on Twitter.

Carry on, Citizens! And Happy New Year.

Carry on, Citizens!

Of course, you could try a traditional home based business like Mary Kay or Amway. But if that’s not for you, maybe you should try the newest fad in home business: Basement Strip Club. That’s right, I said strip club. The home strip club craze can be traced to a woman in Lawrenceville, GA. Keep in mind she has yet to franchise the concept, inasmuch as she was arrested for “maintaining a disorderly house” according to the police.

Once she has the bugs worked out, you may want to consider this high profit business opportunity. I would consider it, but I’m pursuing an opportunity in Hong Kong. If the driftwood thing doesn’t work out, some guy in Hong Kong named Richard Tang (I’m not making this up) has assured me that I can be a 50% partner in his 45 million dollar opportunity. Can you believe he just emailed me out of the blue today with this amazing offer? I’m sure it’s a legitimate business.

Carry on, Citizens!

Odd Gem #1: Reuters is reporting that a Dutch animal rights activist known as the “vegan streaker” has been arrested for plotting an attack on the Queen for wearing fur. Ironically, she was planning on attacking him for showing his…

Now, there are several disturbing things in this story, not the least of which is Queen’s name: Beatrix. I would think that when one rises to the elevated stature of say, Queen, one would be able to discard silly names given by parents with an unwavering desire to have their daughter’s name end in “x.” (I need a nap after that sentence.)

Secondly, he was accused of planning to bring a gun to the attack. This begs the question, “where would he have hidden the gun while riding the subway en route to the Queen?” That led to my next question -”Does Amsterdam have subways and if so, can you ride naked?”

Peter Janssen is the “vegan streaker” accused of the plot. He was arrested once before for breaking onto the set of a talk show with “stop animal suffering” painted on his chest. I agree with him to a point: I’m against humans suffering after seeing naked vegans bust in on the news or attack our Queens, no matter how silly their names are.

Odd Gem #2: Would you eat camel’s milk chocolate? If you answered yes, that’s great because it means I don’t have to. Al Nassma (literally: “This has what in it??) is a Dubai company that started making chocolate from camel’s milk a few years ago. It’s so popular, they are expanding to Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and the United States. The company has 3,000 camels working day and night to provide 100 tons of chocolate per year.

Now, I hope you read the two stories above and came to the same obvious conclusion that I did: Why isn’t Peter Janssen attacking Al Nassma? Let’s face it, that mink is already dead and Beatrix needs it to comfort her from all the playground teasing she endured as a kid. The camels, on the other hand, are still alive and are being treated like cows! How humiliating it must be to be a camel that is being exploited for milk rather than being exploited as an extra in The Mummy 4: We Promise This One Won’t Suck?

So, I’m hoping when Mr. Janssen gets out of jail, we see him naked and protesting in Dubai. Let’s hope he remembers to wear sunscreen.

Carry on, Citizens!

Fans of the Escape From… movie franchise will be glad to know that Kurt Russell has signed on to play Snake Plissken again in Escape From Detroit.  This time around he will be helping to escort employees of the 4 remaining Starbuck’s out of the city.  They will have to navigate through abandoned grocery stores, a gauntlet of bitter Kwame Kilpatrick supporters, and former Chrysler dealers who have resorted to cannibalism.

Russell was quoted as saying, “I had no plans for doing another Escape From, but I was struck by the realism of the script and thought this had more of a ‘science fact’ ring to it than science fiction.”

Shooting will begin in a few weeks, just as soon as the Detroit police can clear away the bodies from the Stanley Cup aftermath.

Carry on, Citizens!

That’s right folks, the Citizens Research Institute (Motto: Manipulating the Data Since 1968.) have discovered that the key ingredient to a long and healthy life is pudding. Lot’s of pudding. Our studies have shown that 10 out of every 10 people who don’t eat pudding every day eventually succumb to death -which our research has concluded to be fatal.

We have also concluded that people that eat pudding every day never die. Ever. Bill Cosby is actually 327 years old. His secret: pudding. It wasn’t until he landed the commercial gig with Jell-O that he began to spread the pudding secret to the masses.

There are a variety of pudding options to choose from, which makes it great for the health conscious person who wants variety. I tend to stick to the chocolate varieties, but can venture into the butterscotch and swirls. Tapioca is right out. It has the consistency of chilled snot and as such, has no health value whatsoever. Figgy pudding is still under investigation as the Citizens Research Institute has filed suit to have it removed from the pudding family and deemed torture by the standards set forth in the Geneva Convention.  Rice pudding does have some health value, we suppose. But, we don’t typically hang out with the kind of people that “love” rice pudding, so keep that in mind.

So, don’t despair over the news about vitamins. Just start eating pudding every day. You will be happier and live longer. Now if we can just get chicken wings recognized as the 5th food group…

Carry on, Citizens!

The AP story states that he left the prints with lotion or petroleum jelly. This of course begs the question: How does one select the best butt print delivery system? Does the lady at the Clinique counter know which lotion would leave the best print during the winter months? Would she call security if you ask?

Once again, the AP has left us with too little info. So, please Citizens, help me do the research on this. When you go to the mall on Friday, ask as many sales people you can which lotion will leave the best print. Just don’t call me to bail you out of jail.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

The idea: PETA wants Ben & Jerry’s to use breast milk instead of cow’s milk in their ice cream!  Why, oh why didn’t they think of this sooner?  They could even cross promote this with Victoria’s Secret.  Just think of the flavor names: Heidi Klum’s Heath Bar Crunch. They could dabble in novelty treats by bringing back Paulina Porizkova for Paulina’s Purple Push Up’s. And who wouldn’t want to try Rebecca Romijn’s Raspberry Cheesecake! The possibilities (much like the lawsuits) are endless.

After the last 2 weeks of gloom and doom about the economy and the subprime lending crisis, I think America needs breast milk ice cream. I think it would start a wave of enthusiasm that will make this country great again.  In fact, let’s skip the $700,000,000 mortgage loan bailout and invest the money in the expanding breast milk industry in order to give it the lift and support it needs to compete in the global economy.

Carry on, Citizens!

Of course, I subscribe to theory that Stonehenge is not the mystical site of Druid worship, but rather a discarded alien batting cage that subsequent cultures have been trying to reinterpret for years. I base this on the infinitely more reliable scholarly work Kansaska. This groundbreaking work blows the lid off true significance of Stonehenge, while reading more like a novel than a scholarly work.  Plus, it has the added benefit of making me money.

Finally, I think my one of my favorite movie scenes of all time is the Stonehenge number from Spinal Tap. God Bless YouTube for allowing me to share it with you.

Even more amazing is the fact that he has 170 children!  That’s one more person than my entire graduating class in high school. Unfortunately for Mr. Bello, he lives in a part of Nigeria that observes Sharia law and authorities have ordered the serial groom to divorce all but four of his wives.

Either way, this guy is going to come out of this looking like Rocky after 15 rounds with Apollo Creed. If things stay like they are, he will be celebrating a birthday or an anniversary every 2-3 days. No man can survive that kind of pressure. If he complies with the government, he’s going to have 82 divorces. If he wasn’t living in a hut before, he will be after that!

Carry on, Citizens!

In 2003, violence erupted in Parsippany, New Jersey after atheists were accidently sent a completely blank vinyl banner from a local Kinkos. Four employees were 3-Hole punched repeatedly until the police restored calm.

President Bush is taking this new threat very seriously. “Hammermill has taken a stance that is perfectly within their rights as Americans. If they want to sell blank 3-Hole punch paper, then who are atheists to bully them? We plan to surround Office Depot headquarters with as much military protection as possible.”

In a related turn of events, French President Jaques Chirac outlawed blank paper throughout France. He also commissioned Tommy Hilfiger to design a new flag of surrender inasmuch as their current one is completely white.

Carry on, Citizens!

The FDA is currently running tests on the substance to determine its origin. Early indications are a substance described as soylent green. “We don’t know what it is,” said one FDA official, “but it’s good on toast.”

JAFFNA, SRI LANKA: The Tamil Tigers (NFC East) are looking for a new anthem –something to capture the essence of being dirt bag rebels in what is basically a crap factory for American retailers disguised as a country. The rebels have their own schools, flag and even their own law school! Now they need a new anthem. Something that says, “Hey, we’re Tamils. Our kids sew Reebok soccer balls faster than Sri Lankans.”

Personally, I like the old Tamil anthem. It was the kind of anthem that gets right to the point…literally. It’s called, “Look, the Flag is Rising.” I love that!! I don’t speak Tamil or Sri Lankan or Haiku, but here’s how I imagine the words of song go: (To the tune of Vacation by the Go-Go’s. “Look, our flag is rising. Stand quietly till the song is over. Take your hat off and be respectful, stop looking at the girl in the third row’s butt. Is that a goiter on her mom? Now the song is getting louder and more exciting. The game starts in 5 minutes, is that enough time to get some beer? Do we still have beer in Tamil? Why does the guy behind me smell like a water buffalo? Oh, he brought his water buffalo to the soccer match. Must be a Sri Lankan and not a Tamil. Okay the song is almost over, I can sit down now. I feel pride for my country. Yeah!”

Carry on, Citizens!

MAN WITH CHAINSAW, SWORD LET INTO U.S.

Apparently this guy had just beheaded a man described as “the Chet Atkins of Minto” and stabbed “the Mrs. Chet Atkins of Minto” repeatedly until she expired. He entered the U.S. covered in blood. Customs officials couldn’t find a reason to detain the man, so they let him go. He was picked up in Massachusetts after the bodies were discovered in New Brunswick. Personally, I’m glad they let him go. We can’t detain every blood soaked Canadian that wields a chainsaw. That would be profiling.

CRUISE MAKES ‘MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3′ DEAL

In this installment of the Mission: Impossible franchise, Cruise will try to go on a series of daytime talk shows and try desperately not to sound like a total chode while talking about his recent romance with Katie Holmes.

DOLPHINS PROTECT THEIR SNOUTS WITH SPONGES

Apparently Dolphins off the coast of Australia have learned to use sponges to prevent stings from stonefish and other foraging hazards. Spongebob Squarepants has repeatedly said this is the reason he refused to attend the opening of his movie in Australia. “There’s nothing worse than having a dolphin shove his snout up your *&$ then use you as a fish hunting sock puppet,” said the Nickelodeon star sponge.

UNEMPLOYED BRITISH TEENS OFFERED IPODS

Out of work Brit’s are being offered IPods if they complete courses aimed at helping them find jobs. As a further motivating gesture, the IPods have been equipped with helpful phrases instead of music. Examples include:
“Would you like fries with that?”
“Thank you, please drive through?”
And the ever popular, “Paper or plastic?”

MAN’S LEG, TORSO FALL OUT OF PLANE OVER NY

Baggage handlers are reportedly to blame for the mix up that caused the rest of the man to fall out of a different plane over Arkansas.

Carry on, Citizens!