It all started nearly a decade ago when the USC Trojans decided that the best way to win championships was to look the other way when agents, boosters, and the Russian mafia* would hang out with their players. “Free cars, houses, gold plated Pez dispensers? We didn’t see ANY of that,” was what the coaching staff would routinely say. Well, somebody saw lots of that and the program was put on probation by the NCAA.

Not that they did it right away, mind you. This case has been going on Reggie Bush’s entire professional career! But, the BCS finally got around to taking away their 2004 title. And that means, we need a new champion!

So, without further adieu, unless you like that sort of thing, I will name the Carry On, Citizens 2004 BCS Champions: The Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes! Why the Fighting Artichokes, you ask? Well, for starters, can you think of a more ridiculously unique mascot in all of college athletics? Secondly,there isn’t anything more ridiculous than having no champion, so why not name a school that isn’t even in Division 1 (or the Bowl Championship Division as they keep trying to get us to call it).

Finally, Oklahoma lost. And I’m sure they wouldn’t want to be handed the title without earning it. And the same goes for every other school in the NCAA. That’s why letting me name a new champion makes total sense (to me anyway). Now, there have been other NCAA championships vacated in the past. And I’ve decided to name the winners in those years/sports too. So if your oft overlooked community or junior college would like a Carry On, Citizens National Championship, drop me a note or post a comment below. We might even send you a trophy!

Carry on, Citizens!

Would the answer be Prairie View football fans?  They lost 80 games in a row during the 90′s. Going to those games had to be the equivalent of watching a live performance of 28 Days Later, only gorier. I suspect season ticket holders had to be the same 200-300 people who rented the straight to video sequels of Children of the Corn.

No, I think we can crown a new Champion of Baseless Sports Optimism. This isn’t even a contest folks. The new title goes to the Russian Soccer Fans. That’s right, kickball – I mean soccer, has produced the most optimistic fans in the universe. Of course, the cold temperatures and the high rates of alcoholism have contributed to this prestigious award. How else can you explain that in a recent study, 8% of Russians believe they have a chance at winning the World Cup -despite the fact that the Russians didn’t even qualify! That’s optimism folks!

Other results of the survey found that 2% of Russians believe Turkey will win, despite also not having a team qualify. 12% of Russians believe that Drago was hosed by the judges in Rocky IV and 17% were too drunk to finish the survey.  100% of those surveyed found the vuvuzela to be an annoying musical instrument that should be banned from all sporting events.

Carry on, Citizens!

The worship of Sounvenirous comprises a variety of rituals meant to appease the god and thus curry some sort of artifact as a sign of his favor. The most common manifestation being the receiving of a foul ball or a tossed ball from a player. The former is considered to b much more of an expression of divine favor, as the event is random and often painful.  Souvenerians, as they call themselves, are mostly found in baseball ballparks, but splinter denominations have been found in ice hockey arenas, at Arena Football games, and Mardis Gras.

Thus brings us to the part about child sacrifice. It is not uncommon amongst unlearned practitioners of Sounvenirism to hold up a child in order to curry favor from one of the diety’s minions (a player) or to unwittingly stop the flight of a hard hit foul ball. The second option almost always ends in the injury of the child and after the thrill of getting the ball, the embarrassment of the parents.

It’s rare to see such blatant Souvenirous worship these days, as many people have stopped worshiping at games and spend inning after inning on their iPhones, wasting the box seats their companies paid for to schmooze clients. Souvenirous is often offended by such insolence, and retaliates by a well timed broken bat shard to the neck.  However, I did see such a thing at an Indianapolis Indians game last week. Two parents, holding up their child and calling for a ball sat a couple of rows in front of me. Luckily their child was spared, as he must have not pleased Souvenirous. He was rather odd looking.

Carry on, Citizens!

Skee Ball has been around since 1909. It was invented by J.D. Estes of Philadelphia as way to get his kids to clean up their rooms. They would throw their toys in the holes and earn points. If they earned enough points, Estes would buy them new toys, as the tossing them into the skee ball holes tended to break them.

Later he sold the concept to Wurlitzer who then sold it to the Philadelphia Toboggan Company. We didn’t do any of more of the research into the game’s history because, frankly, we were enamored with the name Philadelphia Toboggan Company.

Skee ball leagues are popping up all over the country. And as you can see from this picture, a wide variety of people seem to enjoy the game. If I’m not mistaken, I think the woman in the pink outfit with leg warmers is Olivia Newton John. She hasn’t aged a bit. Must be the skee ball.

The North American Champion in Skee Ball is this man:

Ronald Flanberg of Jersey City, NJ is not only the points champion, he also holds the record for most games played in a row (345). He credits his ability to block out pain and fatigue, along with a paper cup (pictured) for pee breaks for his incredible record.

So take a long hard look at Ronald. Don’t you think he deserves a chance to compete for the Gold Medal in Olympic Skee Ball? Wouldn’t that just warm your heart? I wonder if the Olympic Committee would insist their logo is placed on his pee cup?

Carry on, Citizens!

Today’s bonus question?  When is NBC going to stop trotting out announcers with only a passing knowledge of sports (Meridith Vieira) to embarrass themselves at the Olympics?  Seems Meridith didn’t know the difference between Michael J. Fox and Terry Fox. You would think they would have learned from Katie Couric trying to describe Judo a few years back. Awful, just awful!

The Olympics also have a sport called “curling.” Curling was invented by 2 Canadian third shift security guards.  One night they drank an entire case of Molson each and decided they needed a recreational activity. The result was a cross between bowling, shuffleboard, and obsessive compulsive sweeping. A statue in honor of the two men was erected in their native Winnipeg.  It depicts one of them with the tell tale curling broom and while the other is vomiting. It’s a striking display.

Sports That Should Be Added

Donkey Basketball is, sadly, not part of the Olympics. Shocking, isn’t it? This sport has everything -goofy uniforms, donkeys, and from what I can tell from this picture, about 20 loyal fans! It also doesn’t seem to require a significant amount of athletic prowess, which the average viewer can probably relate to a lot more!

Apparently, donkey basketball has been a target of PETA and that might explain why it’s not in the Olympics yet. I don’t know their problem could be. PETA had no qualms about subjecting us to Dick Button all those years. Yeah, that’s right PETA, I’m calling you out on the Dick Button thing. Where were MY animal rights when he took the microphone?

Anyway, enjoy the Olympics and check back for more sports that should be included in the Olympics. Now, I’ve got to head to Best Buy to see if they have Curling for the PS3.

Carry on, Citizens!

The cheesy marketing efforts of the event (a poker tournament) organizers brings up a good question: If all these guys are legends, why all the black hat marketing to get people to come to the Bahamas to play poker with them? If rubbing elbows with these guys isn’t enough, maybe it wasn’t planned by somebody playing with a full deck.

Unfortunately for Larry Lubin, President of the Sports Legends Challenge, he’s bet it all on a marketing strategy that totally pisses off the blogosphere. Guess what, Larry? If you’re going to play at our table, you better have one hell of a hand. And guess what else? You don’t. By the time the top blogs and Twitter get done with you, anybody heading to Paradise Island for this event is will be perceived as a pretentious douchebag and the athletes involved will be selling SureFlow catheters at a medical supply conventions.  Well played.

Carry on, Citizens!

• Bill Clinton was President.
• Bob Knight was the coach at Indiana University.
• Seinfeld was still making new episodes.
• The Pacers were a playoff team.
• I lived in Bloomington, IN.
• The Arizona Diamondbacks didn’t exist.
• Neither did the Tampa Bay Rays.
• Cal Ripken’s streak was still going.
• Jose Canseco et al were shooting roids like crazy.

And there has been no bigger drama queen lately than Stephon Marbury. Marbury’s behavior has him banned from the team! That’s right, the Knicks are actually paying him to stay away from practices and teammates.

And that of course, is where I come in. According to the AP, the Knicks are paying Marbury $20,840,625 this year to not play. Donnie Walsh, if you’re listening, I will take a mere $500,000 not to play for the Knicks this year. In fact, I’ll agree not to do anything this year for $500,000! That is a savings to the Knicks of over twenty million dollars! Think of what you could do with an extra $20,340,625, Donnie. You could save up for LeBron James when he becomes a free agent. You could redesign the Knicks uniforms. You could give every season ticket holder a DVD highlight video of the franchise’s glory years. You could even sign a couple of free agent non players and have a whole team of people NOT playing for the Knicks. The possibilities are endless.

So, Donnie Walsh, you know where to find me. My agent is even waving his fee on this one. Please consider my offer to not play for the Knicks for $500,000.  You will find it will be money well spent.

Carry on, Citizens!

Baseball fans have to endure interruption marketing between innings. But, they expect to see beer commercials and promos for the latest shows on Fox. They tolerate it in exchange for a free couch seat for the Fall Classic.

What they don’t expect, and thus haven’t given permission, is to endure campaign commercials. Even worse, Obama is going to delay game 6 so he can buy 30 minutes of network air time.

I’ve decided that as punishment for last night’s interruption of the World Series by the 2 campaigns, we should interrupt the inauguration with an impromptu Whiffle Ball game. Drop me a note if you would like to play a little Whiffle Ball in D.C. next January.

Carry on, Citizens!

Dan Wetzel (yahoo columnist) knew Haskins as well as any reporter and wrote a fantastic article about Haskins on Monday. Please take the time to read it. You won’t be disappointed.

Carry on, Citizens!

Kelvin Sampson lied to Jeff Stanger about enjoying Trolley Dodgers and looking forward to the release Kansaska.

In a statement released today, Sampson said that he does not “give a (expletive) about Trolley Dodgers, Kansaska, Jeff Stanger, baseball or even all of the (expletive) ‘freaks’ in Bloomington, Indiana.”

Sampson went on to say, “And you people wonder why Coach Knight acted the way he did? If I had to put up with reading this sort of (expletive) put out by Indiana University graduates, not to mention what I’ve seen on Kirkwood Avenue at night, for close to thirty years, you can be guaranteed that I’d do more than throw chairs and occasionally slap or choke someone. Jeff Stanger, Trolley Dodgers and the mere thought of Kansaska being released makes me want to down a fifth of Jack while making some important recruiting calls.”

Jeff Stanger could not be reached for comment, but his publicist stated that “Sampson wouldn’t know a good book if he saw it” and went on to state that she wasn’t “even sure if the man can read”.

You can read the full transcript of Kelvin Sampson’s statement on The Onion.

Carry on, Citizens!

But maybe the most intriguing thing I??ve witnessed was in the Omaha World Herald. It was an ad for a local bar touting its 13th Annual Testicle Festival. I tore out the ad because I know most of you won??t believe me. Be afraid. Very afraid.

Carry on, Citizens!

The only thing that would make it better is if they were tied with the Red Sox for last place! Go Birds!!

The Brewers have won 7 in a row. Do you think having a new owner has anything to do with the new attitude in Milwaukee?

CNN/SI has an interesting article on the Oklahoma baseball coach who resigned amid a racism scandal this week.

Carry on, Citizens!

JEFFREAUX’S WORLD EXCLUSIVE: THE MASCOTS ARE JUICED!!!

That’s right folks, you heard it hear first. Our blog correspondents, Jose Canseco and Paris Hilton have been on the case for the past few months. They’ve been talking to former and current mascots as well as PETA.

Today we have a report from Jose:

Jose: Well, jeffreaux, between book signings and court appearances, I’ve been interviewing mascots to see how steroids have impacted costumed entertainers. The results are shocking.

Jeffreaux: Why did you choose to focus on mascots?

Jose: They’re the only people in baseball that will still talk to me.

Jeffeaux: Go on.

Jose: Well it seems it started with Stomper, the Oakland A’s elephant mascot. He felt envious of the tough, muscular elephant on the A’s jersey. He was also coming off a devastating break up with the University of California-Berkley’s Bear mascot. His lack of self esteem caused him to turn to the juice.

Jeffreaux: How did that improve his stats after taking steroids?

Jose: The performance enhancement is undeniable, Jeffreaux. His poses for pictures with small children went up 40%. He was able to throw t-shirts to the upper deck without the help of the giant sling-shot. He even delivered 30 pizzas to fans in one game.

Jeffreaux: Were there any side effects?

Jose: Yes, there were. Mascots aren’t immune to the Roid Rage. He once bludgeoned a fan with his trunk repeatedly for putting gum on his jersey.

Jeffreaux: Was the fan injured?

Jose: No, the trunk is just fur and foam. So, he barely felt it.

Jeffreaux: What about shrinkage? Roids have been known to shrink parts of the male anatomy.

Jose: Actually it affects mascots differently. Stomper’s ears shrank to the size of a human’s ears. He looks pretty ridiculous.

Jeffreaux: What else have you uncovered?

Jose: Well I think it’s pretty obvious that the Baltimore Bird, the Pittsburg Parrot, and Seattle’s Moose are juiced. But this is an ongoing investigation and we expect to uncover more.

Jeffreaux: Thank you Jose. On Wednesday, Paris will weigh in on steroids in movies and music. Were Jimmy Page and Robert Plant on steroids when they wrote Stairway to Heaven. And it makes me wonder… find out more tomorrow.

Carry on, Citizens!

“Talk about a return on investment: Rick Neuheisel gets in a college hoops pool, and walks out of court Monday with a $4.5 million settlement. Shoot, that’s better than getting Illinois in the blind office draw.”

In honor of Rick and Bob, we’re changing the name of our NCAA pool to the Neuheisel Index Fund!!

This past week they fired the only man that could lead them to respectability. Maurice Cheeks, reportedly one of the nicest men in the NBA, just didn’t fit in to the drug, rape, and violence culture that billionaire Paul Allen has worked so hard to preserve. It seems that the perfect antidote to his nerd years at Microsoft is donning the hat of Zoo Keeper. I guess Allen and his front office staff didn’t like the fact that last year Cheeks went over to help a 13 year old girl who was singing the National Anthem and forgot the words. They prefer the behavior of Marcus Brown, a former Jailblazer who was cited for giving alcohol to 13 year old girls.

Oh, it gets much worse. Consider the fact that current player Qyntel Woods was arrested for dog fighting. DOG FIGHTING! I wish I was kidding! One player, making $25 million per year was hauled into court for writing bad checks. Former Jailblazer Zach Randolph had numerous run-ins with the law. Most memorable was the time he showed his trading card to an officer because he was driving without a license or insurance.

The iceberg goes much, much deeper. Remember Ruben Patterson. He pleaded no contest to sexually assaulting his child’s nanny. After the trial he said, “I’m not no(sic) rapist. I’m a great guy.” The great guy assaulted a man whom he thought had scratched his car in a parking lot, breaking his jaw. The great guy also beat up the wife who stood by him during his sexual assault trial. Portland sports reporters must have thought it was a team meeting at the courthouse that day because his appearance in court coincided with the appearances of his teammates Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire who were just down the hall answering marijuana possession charges. Of course so many of the Jailblazers have been busted for pot that local DEA officials are considering sending an undercover agent to try out for the team!

Check out www.Jailblazers.info for more of the teams exploits. The list is so long that when Law & Order: Portland Jailblazers Unit comes out next fall, they’ve announced they have plots for an indefinite amount of shows!

So please Mr. Stern, eliminate the Jailblazers. End this sad chapter of American professional sports once and for all. Do it so the kids can look towards positive roll models. (Especially the 7 kids by 6 mothers former Jailblazer Shawn Kemp has fathered.) Do it so the vice cops in Portland can take a well deserved rest. Do it so the team doesn’t have to permanently switch to eight digit jersey numbers. And do it for Ruben, because he’s a “great guy.”

Anyway, back to the Series. Cards and Sox. Who would have guessed? Nobody! Although many sports “experts” got the Red Sox right, only one sports writer in America predicted the Cardinals were going to the World Series. Here are the preseason predictions by the major publications and sports experts:

National League Champion:

Sports Illustrated: Cubs vs. Yankees, Cubs win series
Sporting News: Cubs vs. Red Sox, Cubs win series
ESPN: Cubs vs. Red Sox, Cubs win series

The Twelve Experts at
Baseball Prospectus: Cubs vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Cubs vs. Yankees, Cubs win series
Phillies vs. A’s, A’s win series
Astros vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Cubs vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Braves vs. A’s, A’s win series
Astros vs. Yankees, Yankees win series
Astros vs. A’s, Astros win series
Phillies vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Phillies vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Phillies vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Phillies vs. A’s, A’s win series

Midwest Sports Writing Genius: Cardinals vs. A’s, Cardinals win series (2)

The Midwest Sports Writing Genius is of course me. I wrote my prediction on my bulletin board at work after a heated discussion with Ralph the maintenance man. Ralph is a militant Cubs fan. (3) Anyway, Ralph was witness to the preseason prediction.

Now I know you’re thinking, “He only got it half right.” Well that’s true, but I’m the ONLY ONE WHO PREDICTED THE CARDINALS! These other people get paid big bucks and none of them saw the Cardinals coming. Besides, with the exception of 4 of the Baseball Prospectus writers, everyone picked the Red Sox or Yankees in the American League. Gee that’s going out on a limb. Take the 2 teams that spent the most cash in the off season and flip a coin. Now those courageous 4 who joined me in picking the A’s can at least pat themselves on the back since they put some thought into the decision (Even though we were wrong.) The five of us are probably the only ones who think the Moneyball approach to the game is going to eventually win championships.

I’m especially proud of the guy who picked the Astros and A’s. That took guts! But, hey on the National League side, NOBODY got it right. Everyone was too enamored with last year’s Cubs to think straight. Those who weren’t gave the Phillies too much credit. Anyway, I’ll stop gloating for now. Randy and are off to do some last minute campaigning for my run to the White House. Enjoy the Series!

(1) Randy is in fact a burrow, but prefers to be called a horse. He feels he is a horse trapped in the body of a burrow and is planning to have some sort of operation. His girlfriend, a llama named Stephanie supports him 100%. Seeing a burrow and a llama together reminds me of Dudley Moore and Susan Anton.

(2) For reasons that are not entirely clear, Randy picked the Expos over the Royals.

(3) Last year I filled his desk with sand after the Marlins beat the Cubs in the playoffs.

Ok, I realize that some of these don’t meet my criteria of what is a sport. But since most of the “normal” world does, I included them. My criteria for choosing the best sports movies of all time were: The movie must have a minimum of three memorable lines and must not include Emilio Estevez in the cast. I also eliminated any movie that had more than one Country, Disco, or Rap song on the soundtrack. Soccer is flat out wrong and should never be depicted on film, unless it involves Scottish Soccer Hooligans. Finally, I eliminated all movies that feature future Hobbits trying to play football at Notre Dame.

Field of Dreams –”People will come Ray, people will most definitely come.”

The Natural –”Pick me out a winner, Bobby.”

Bull Durham–”And when you speak of me, speak well.”

Caddy Shack –”We’ve got a pond and a pool. Pond would be good for you.”

Hoosiers –”Strap, God wants you on the floor.”

Slap Shot– “You brought your toys on the road?”

Major League –”You put snot on the ball?”

Eight Men Out –”Say it ain’t so, Joe. Say it ain’t so.”

Happy Gilmore –”During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.”

The Sandlot–”You play like a girl!”

A League of Their Own –”By the way, I loved you in the Wizard of Oz.”

Dodgeball –”Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.”

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/writers/tom_verducci/08/10/maddux/index.html?cnn=yes

Email me and tell me your favorite sports movies of all time. I’ll post results next week. ESPN ran their top 25 last week and I must say I was underwhelmed. Now, “pick me out a winner Bobby.”

What was really amazing was the number of guys in the Pacific Coast League dugout that were smiling and clapping for Phillips. I’ve never seen an opposing team that was actually smiling after giving up a walk-off home run. Even they couldn’t deny the “Hollywood” factor in what they had just witnessed. But, mostly I think that they would rather lose that way than play to a tie. Somebody mention that to MLB’s commissioner.

It?s time to announce the Inaugural Tub of Goo Team. I decided to induct an even dozen for the first year, then each year we can add more to the squad. The following men will be forever enshrined in Goo-dom.

Inaugural Tub of Goo Team

Kirby Puckett
Bobby Bonilla –?Look at that twinkie run!?
Terry Forster
Fernando Valenzuela
David Wells
Babe Ruth
John Kruk
Bob Horner
Cecil Fielder
Tony Gwynn
Kevin Mitchell

And the veterans committee has selected:

?Professional Hitter,? Matt Stairs

Thank you for your participation. Please remember to vote next year!

…but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

My nominations:

David Wells, P
Babe Ruth, OF
John Kruk, 1B, OF
Bob Horner, 1B
Cecil Fielder, 1B
Boy there seem to be a lot of first basemen.
Tony Gwynn, OF
Kevin Mitchell, OF

Do the Goo

Jeff: I would like to rule out all ?sports? involving Dick Button and the ones where the crowd has to be quiet.

Geoff: Figure skating is definitely an activity. I feel your Dick Button clause is still valid. Also, they have this “death spiral” move where death isn’t even remotely possible. They should refer to it as the “possible cold butt spiral.”

Jeff: For the sake of the children, we need to rule out many of the Winter Olympic ?sports.?

Geoff: Ok, let?s start with snowboarding. Here I refer you to my first criteria of activities…a possible mode of transportation. If something is a mode of transportation it has a purpose. Sports by nature have no inherent purpose. Sports are pointless in the whole scheme of things. It also has no elements of a team involved. There must be teams to be a sport. There is also no defense, which I believe we agreed is a must as well. They also use terms that I don’t even come close to understanding.

Jeff: Luge – really cool, but only one person. Also no defense.

Geoff: Curling – they use brooms. Items from the custodial arts cannot be part of a sport. It also uses a rock.

Jeff: Curling was invented by bored, out of work, single janitors.

Geoff: Cross country skiing – mode of transportation. Also, Norwegians dominate. We just can’t have that.

Jeff: I hear they are also making strides in jacks. They?re the favorite in next year?s Recess Games. (ESPN 2)

Geoff: Speed skating – fun to watch but again a possible mode of transportation.

Jeff: I really like the event where people ski for a while then shoot things. I think they should add the shooting element to the marathon. For example, every 5th mile of the Boston Marathon, let the runners shoot at hot dog vendors and other street merchants. That would be worth watching!!!

First to Matt: Take your meds! Gardening is definitely not a sport!

Second to Brian: According to Geoff, ?Hockey – I have come to realize that in order to be a sport, there must be more than one skill involved. Hockey has skating, but also stick-handling, checking, shooting, etc. It has defense, teams, is pointless, and is therefore a sport.?

BTW, Geoff is a real person, not a figment of my imagination as some may have suggested. Geoff Aiken is a middle school teacher and baseball coach. We played 5 seasons together in softball and entertained many in the process. Geoff Aiken, Darryl Neher, Mike Burns, and myself made up the most mentally twisted infield in the history of the game. Our infield chatter was so disturbing that a female umpire actually quit after calling one of our games. I?ve grown up since then. Sort of. Geoff?s claims to fame are he was the ONLY left handed shortstop in the history of the Bloomington adult softball league and he does the funniest Vin Scully impression I?ve ever heard.

Third to Patty: Dear child, where hast thou gone astray? Chess fails on #?s 1,2,3,4, and 9. Pairs skating is JUDGED and that clearly is wrong!!! Geoff denies your request and will harbor scorn in his heart for you for a twenty minute period to be assessed at a later date.

Fourth to Campy: I don?t know what?s worse: the Star devoting space to cards or the Celebrity Poker show on TV. Who cares if the cast of the West Wing can play poker???

Next Post: We?ll deal with the Winter Olympics!

1. Teams must be involved
2. Must have defense
3. Officials must be in the field of play
4. There must be an odd number of participants (football – 11,
baseball-9, basketball-5)
5. Dick Button cannot be involved
6. Must be pointless
7. Must have multiple skills involved
8. No judging to determine outcome
9. The crowd cannot be forced to be quiet (Tennis, Golf)
10. Cannot simply be a mode of transportation (running, swimming,
skating, sailing, etc…)

DEVO

The sole purpose of this post is to irritate my friends who cheer for the Michigan Wolverines. It is not an endorsement of DEVO or their music. However, I am very fond of their hats.

Today, for no apparent reason, we celebrate the career of Jamie Moyer. When I met Jamie in 1999, he still had a picture of Don Zimmer on his dartboard. I’ll post pics of Southpaw Farms someday if I ever figure out what I did with them.

Baseball fans hold these truths to be self evident:

The Red Sox are cursed.
The Yankees are evil.
The A’s will lose in the first round of the playoffs –again.
The Cubs will sell out Wrigley Field if they’re in first or last place.
The Commissioner of Baseball is the Prince of Darkness.
The Bird on the Orioles hat in 2004 is not nearly as cool as the one from 1984.
The Expos have the dumbest logo in all of sports.
Don Zimmer makes everbody laugh. (Exept Pedro Martinez)
Barry Bonds did use steroids.
So did a lot of other players.
The Padres are going to be a lot of fun to watch with David Wells, Sterling Hitchcock and Trevor Hoffman on the pitching staff. (Can you say Animal House 2?)
The Tigers are going to lose a lot of games.
So are the Devil Rays, Reds, and Rangers.

So, Pete?s claim is true but not accurate. By Pete?s standards, he also started ahead of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Lou Gehrig. Using Pete?s method of comparison, I?m going to start telling people that I played basketball at IU before Calbert Cheney. Technically, I was in school prior to Calbert and I did play basketball (not, of course, anywhere near Assembly Hall). I can also say I raced in Indy before Jeff Gordon. I used to race my friend Steve home from work every night on US 40.

Other accomplishments include:

I quarterbacked the Dolphins before Dan Marino (Youth Football)
I played outfield for the Braves before Andruw Jones (Little League)
I covered the NBA draft before Bob Kravitz (Fortville Newspaper, and I had to have my parents drop me off.)

I?ve decided to add these to my resume ?should make me more marketable or, at least, a lot more entertaining to reject!