Brian Groce is my guest Blogger today. He has some breaking news related to the Kelvin Sampson recruiting scandal at Indiana University. Let me know your thoughts on the subject! Without further ado…

Kelvin Sampson lied to Jeff Stanger about enjoying Trolley Dodgers and looking forward to the release Kansaska.

In a statement released today, Sampson said that he does not “give a (expletive) about Trolley Dodgers, Kansaska, Jeff Stanger, baseball or even all of the (expletive) ‘freaks’ in Bloomington, Indiana.”

Sampson went on to say, “And you people wonder why Coach Knight acted the way he did? If I had to put up with reading this sort of (expletive) put out by Indiana University graduates, not to mention what I’ve seen on Kirkwood Avenue at night, for close to thirty years, you can be guaranteed that I’d do more than throw chairs and occasionally slap or choke someone. Jeff Stanger, Trolley Dodgers and the mere thought of Kansaska being released makes me want to down a fifth of Jack while making some important recruiting calls.”

Jeff Stanger could not be reached for comment, but his publicist stated that “Sampson wouldn’t know a good book if he saw it” and went on to state that she wasn’t “even sure if the man can read”.

You can read the full transcript of Kelvin Sampson’s statement on The Onion.

Carry on, Citizens!

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Eight teams came to Omaha. 1 is on the way home. Georgia Tech was eliminated by Cal State Fullerton yesterday in probably the most exciting game we??ve seen thus far. Down to their last out and last strike, the Titans staged a 3 run rally to defeat the Yellow Jackets. But, enough about the games. You can read that in the paper. Let??s talk about the characters. There are plenty of them??
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The STANKEES are tied for last place!!!!

The only thing that would make it better is if they were tied with the Red Sox for last place! Go Birds!!

The Brewers have won 7 in a row. Do you think having a new owner has anything to do with the new attitude in Milwaukee?

CNN/SI has an interesting article on the Oklahoma baseball coach who resigned amid a racism scandal this week.

Carry on, Citizens!

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BREAKING NEWS: STEROID SCANDAL IS MORE WIDESPREAD THAN EXPECTED

JEFFREAUX’S WORLD EXCLUSIVE: THE MASCOTS ARE JUICED!!!

That’s right folks, you heard it hear first. Our blog correspondents, Jose Canseco and Paris Hilton have been on the case for the past few months. They’ve been talking to former and current mascots as well as PETA.

Today we have a report from Jose:

Jose: Well, jeffreaux, between book signings and court appearances, I’ve been interviewing mascots to see how steroids have impacted costumed entertainers. The results are shocking.

Jeffreaux: Why did you choose to focus on mascots?

Jose: They’re the only people in baseball that will still talk to me.

Jeffeaux: Go on.

Jose: Well it seems it started with Stomper, the Oakland A’s elephant mascot. He felt envious of the tough, muscular elephant on the A’s jersey. He was also coming off a devastating break up with the University of California-Berkley’s Bear mascot. His lack of self esteem caused him to turn to the juice.

Jeffreaux: How did that improve his stats after taking steroids?

Jose: The performance enhancement is undeniable, Jeffreaux. His poses for pictures with small children went up 40%. He was able to throw t-shirts to the upper deck without the help of the giant sling-shot. He even delivered 30 pizzas to fans in one game.

Jeffreaux: Were there any side effects?

Jose: Yes, there were. Mascots aren’t immune to the Roid Rage. He once bludgeoned a fan with his trunk repeatedly for putting gum on his jersey.

Jeffreaux: Was the fan injured?

Jose: No, the trunk is just fur and foam. So, he barely felt it.

Jeffreaux: What about shrinkage? Roids have been known to shrink parts of the male anatomy.

Jose: Actually it affects mascots differently. Stomper’s ears shrank to the size of a human’s ears. He looks pretty ridiculous.

Jeffreaux: What else have you uncovered?

Jose: Well I think it’s pretty obvious that the Baltimore Bird, the Pittsburg Parrot, and Seattle’s Moose are juiced. But this is an ongoing investigation and we expect to uncover more.

Jeffreaux: Thank you Jose. On Wednesday, Paris will weigh in on steroids in movies and music. Were Jimmy Page and Robert Plant on steroids when they wrote Stairway to Heaven. And it makes me wonder… find out more tomorrow.

Carry on, Citizens!

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This is an excerpt from Bob Kravitz’ column this morning in the Indianapolis Star:

“Talk about a return on investment: Rick Neuheisel gets in a college hoops pool, and walks out of court Monday with a $4.5 million settlement. Shoot, that’s better than getting Illinois in the blind office draw.”

In honor of Rick and Bob, we’re changing the name of our NCAA pool to the Neuheisel Index Fund!!

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Break them up. Fold the team. Eradicate the franchise. It’s time to end the recurring train wreck that is the Portland Trailblazers, or more to the point: The Jailblazers. In the mid 90’s, Sports Illustrated sat in judgment over the Miami University football program and practically demanded the school president eliminate the program. Sure, Miami was a mess. But not any worse than many other programs in college football at the time. But the point is that all the reasons SI cited for ending Miami football are evident in Portland –only much worse!

This past week they fired the only man that could lead them to respectability. Maurice Cheeks, reportedly one of the nicest men in the NBA, just didn’t fit in to the drug, rape, and violence culture that billionaire Paul Allen has worked so hard to preserve. It seems that the perfect antidote to his nerd years at Microsoft is donning the hat of Zoo Keeper. I guess Allen and his front office staff didn’t like the fact that last year Cheeks went over to help a 13 year old girl who was singing the National Anthem and forgot the words. They prefer the behavior of Marcus Brown, a former Jailblazer who was cited for giving alcohol to 13 year old girls.

Oh, it gets much worse. Consider the fact that current player Qyntel Woods was arrested for dog fighting. DOG FIGHTING! I wish I was kidding! One player, making $25 million per year was hauled into court for writing bad checks. Former Jailblazer Zach Randolph had numerous run-ins with the law. Most memorable was the time he showed his trading card to an officer because he was driving without a license or insurance.

The iceberg goes much, much deeper. Remember Ruben Patterson. He pleaded no contest to sexually assaulting his child’s nanny. After the trial he said, “I’m not no(sic) rapist. I’m a great guy.” The great guy assaulted a man whom he thought had scratched his car in a parking lot, breaking his jaw. The great guy also beat up the wife who stood by him during his sexual assault trial. Portland sports reporters must have thought it was a team meeting at the courthouse that day because his appearance in court coincided with the appearances of his teammates Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire who were just down the hall answering marijuana possession charges. Of course so many of the Jailblazers have been busted for pot that local DEA officials are considering sending an undercover agent to try out for the team!

Check out www.Jailblazers.info for more of the teams exploits. The list is so long that when Law & Order: Portland Jailblazers Unit comes out next fall, they’ve announced they have plots for an indefinite amount of shows!

So please Mr. Stern, eliminate the Jailblazers. End this sad chapter of American professional sports once and for all. Do it so the kids can look towards positive roll models. (Especially the 7 kids by 6 mothers former Jailblazer Shawn Kemp has fathered.) Do it so the vice cops in Portland can take a well deserved rest. Do it so the team doesn’t have to permanently switch to eight digit jersey numbers. And do it for Ruben, because he’s a “great guy.”

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It’s time for the World Series. Starting much later every year because Darth Selig had to mess with the Divisions, Interleague Play, the Ozone Layer, and heaven knows what else. My horse Randy could run MLB better than Selig. (1)

Anyway, back to the Series. Cards and Sox. Who would have guessed? Nobody! Although many sports “experts” got the Red Sox right, only one sports writer in America predicted the Cardinals were going to the World Series. Here are the preseason predictions by the major publications and sports experts:

National League Champion:

Sports Illustrated: Cubs vs. Yankees, Cubs win series
Sporting News: Cubs vs. Red Sox, Cubs win series
ESPN: Cubs vs. Red Sox, Cubs win series

The Twelve Experts at
Baseball Prospectus: Cubs vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Cubs vs. Yankees, Cubs win series
Phillies vs. A’s, A’s win series
Astros vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Cubs vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Braves vs. A’s, A’s win series
Astros vs. Yankees, Yankees win series
Astros vs. A’s, Astros win series
Phillies vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Phillies vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Phillies vs. Red Sox, Red Sox win series
Phillies vs. A’s, A’s win series

Midwest Sports Writing Genius: Cardinals vs. A’s, Cardinals win series (2)

The Midwest Sports Writing Genius is of course me. I wrote my prediction on my bulletin board at work after a heated discussion with Ralph the maintenance man. Ralph is a militant Cubs fan. (3) Anyway, Ralph was witness to the preseason prediction.

Now I know you’re thinking, “He only got it half right.” Well that’s true, but I’m the ONLY ONE WHO PREDICTED THE CARDINALS! These other people get paid big bucks and none of them saw the Cardinals coming. Besides, with the exception of 4 of the Baseball Prospectus writers, everyone picked the Red Sox or Yankees in the American League. Gee that’s going out on a limb. Take the 2 teams that spent the most cash in the off season and flip a coin. Now those courageous 4 who joined me in picking the A’s can at least pat themselves on the back since they put some thought into the decision (Even though we were wrong.) The five of us are probably the only ones who think the Moneyball approach to the game is going to eventually win championships.

I’m especially proud of the guy who picked the Astros and A’s. That took guts! But, hey on the National League side, NOBODY got it right. Everyone was too enamored with last year’s Cubs to think straight. Those who weren’t gave the Phillies too much credit. Anyway, I’ll stop gloating for now. Randy and are off to do some last minute campaigning for my run to the White House. Enjoy the Series!

(1) Randy is in fact a burrow, but prefers to be called a horse. He feels he is a horse trapped in the body of a burrow and is planning to have some sort of operation. His girlfriend, a llama named Stephanie supports him 100%. Seeing a burrow and a llama together reminds me of Dudley Moore and Susan Anton.

(2) For reasons that are not entirely clear, Randy picked the Expos over the Royals.

(3) Last year I filled his desk with sand after the Marlins beat the Cubs in the playoffs.

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Top Sports Movies

Ok, I realize that some of these don’t meet my criteria of what is a sport. But since most of the “normal” world does, I included them. My criteria for choosing the best sports movies of all time were: The movie must have a minimum of three memorable lines and must not include Emilio Estevez in the cast. I also eliminated any movie that had more than one Country, Disco, or Rap song on the soundtrack. Soccer is flat out wrong and should never be depicted on film, unless it involves Scottish Soccer Hooligans. Finally, I eliminated all movies that feature future Hobbits trying to play football at Notre Dame.

Field of Dreams –”People will come Ray, people will most definitely come.”

The Natural –”Pick me out a winner, Bobby.”

Bull Durham–”And when you speak of me, speak well.”

Caddy Shack –”We’ve got a pond and a pool. Pond would be good for you.”

Hoosiers –”Strap, God wants you on the floor.”

Slap Shot– “You brought your toys on the road?”

Major League –”You put snot on the ball?”

Eight Men Out –”Say it ain’t so, Joe. Say it ain’t so.”

Happy Gilmore –”During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.”

The Sandlot–”You play like a girl!”

A League of Their Own –”By the way, I loved you in the Wizard of Oz.”

Dodgeball –”Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.”

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If you’re tired of the Kobe trial, the selfish and overrated USA basketball team, and the endless parade of women suing Andre Rison for child support, then check out Tom Verducci’s column today about Greg Maddux. It might restore your faith that there are still a few humble heroes out there.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/writers/tom_verducci/08/10/maddux/index.html?cnn=yes

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“Living in New York can be annoying, in no small part because the place is crawling with New York sports fans. Yankees fans are like Paris Hilton — and not just because lots of them (especially the men) wear jeans that reveal far more butt crack than is socially acceptable.” –Mark Bechtel

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