I will balance the Federal Budget within 1 year and eliminate the National Debt within 4 years! That’s right. This November, write my name on your ballot and I will get this country out of debt.

How? Simple: I’m going to tap into the deepest urge in all men (and some women) and turn it into the single greatest fund raiser of all time. Of course, I’m talking about the urge to blow stuff up. (You thought I was going to say sex, didn’t you?) Men like to blow stuff up. I even know women who like to blow stuff up. Blowing stuff up has been a substantial part of the movie industry for decades. Blowing stuff up is part of our annual 4th of July tradition. Blowing stuff up is still scientifically proven to be a significant reason men will stop on the History Channel or TLC when flipping channels.

But no marketer/fund raiser has EVER figured out how to truly monetize man’s need to blow stuff up. Until now. Let me walk you through this. Next week, the U.S. Military is going to shoot down an aging spy satellite that contains toxic fuel. They plan to fire a missile from a Navy cruiser in the Pacific Ocean. Suffice it to say, our administration just doesn’t get it.

When I take office, we will immediately institute a National Blowing Stuff Up Lottery. For $100, you can enter for a chance to be the person who gets to fly to the middle of the Pacific, board a Navy ship, aim, and fire at future falling satellites. Heck, for $1000, I’ll let you shoot at satellites that aren’t falling! Trust me, there are millions of PS3 and Xbox addicts who would sell blood and semen for a year to be able to shoot down a satellites. There are hunters who are sick of shooting at Bambi who would kill to take down Moonraker. There are women on the back side of divorce who would love to see ANYTHING in the general shape of a satellite be blown into millions of flaming pieces.

Folks, this is a sure fire way to raise LOTS of money fast. And the lottery is just the begining. I plan to start a Blowing Stuff Reality show where people compete for the opportunity to blow up abandoned buildings, crack houses, and the tour buses of aging rock stars. If that takes off, we will spin off the show with modern uses for medieval weapons. I call it American Trebuchet!

My fellow Americans, you have a choice before you. Will Obama let you blow up a satellite? Will Hillary Clinton let you blow up Journey’s tour bus? Will Huckabee allow you to build a 3 story trebuchet and launch a car 100+ yards? Will McCain allow you to fire a missile that probably cost more than you will make in your lifetime at a target 150 miles above the earth’s surface?

Come on people, you know the answer. And you know that my plan will balance the budget. You only need to look to box office receipts for the last 40 years to back me up on this. In addition, my plan will solve all those other “issues” the other candidates are squawking about: the economy, the war, health care, etc. With no debt and a balanced budget, we can tackle all of those problems with ease.

So, consider me for your next President. It’s a vote for fiscal responsibility. It’s a vote for smaller government and fewer satellites. It’s a vote for blowing stuff up.

Carry on, Citizens!

Just this past week an illegal shipment of tap dancing shoes was intercepted at an Italian airport. It’s worse than we thought, Citizens. The Italian Mob is involved in this! Can you imagine the plot of The Godfather 4? The Corleone family has moved from gambling, prostitution, etc. to smuggling tap dancing shoes. Maybe it will be a musical.

According to Reuters

“A U.N. diplomat told Reuters on Tuesday that the seized shipment involved several dozen pairs of tap-dancing shoes. He said that it was not clear how the tap shoes might fit into North Korean leader Kim Jong-il’s lavish lifestyle, which includes grandiose stage performances by North Korean performers.”

I love the part of the quote that says “not clear how the tap shoes might fit into his lavish lifestyle.” Now that’s the awesome part of being an evil dictator! You can walk around with a crazy haircut, women’s frames for you glasses, and tap dancing shoes and absolutely NOBODY can say anything about it. Well, not to your face anyway. And that apparently is the preferred get-up of Korea’s leader. Personally, I prefer the traditional apparel of our American elected officials. Although, I do think it would be fun if the Vice-President had to wear tap dancing shoes to work every day.

Carry on, Citizens!

Often people ask me, “Jeff, if you had been successful in your bid to become Emperor, how would you have spent the stimulus money.” And, I answer, “Are you kidding? There wouldn’t have been a need for a stimulus! I would be Emperor!”

But, let’s just suppose for a second, I was President of the United States and let’s suppose there was a stimulus during my administration. How would I have handled it differently? First, you would know exactly how I was going to spend it. No vague promises. No “shovel ready” jobs that don’t quite materialize. I would spend it on the following 5 things:

1) Adding President William Howard Taft to Mount Rushmore. Pound for pound, Taft was our finest American President. Estimated Cost: $4.5 Million.

2) Banishing Lady Gaga from the United States. Dr. Evil wore a meat helmet. Lady Gaga wore a meat dress. Clearly, we can draw a connection to Dr. Evil and Lady Gaga. Since we can’t send Austin Powers after her, let’s pay her to leave. Estimated Cost: $12 Million. Pricey I know, but the collective class of the country will go up about 10 levels.

3) Bill O’Reilly vs Keith Olbermann Cage Fighting Match. (Rachel Maddow vs Glenn Beck in the undercard match) Who wouldn’t tune in to that? I think I speak for a lot of people that we’re tired of listening to liberal and conservative talking heads scream at each other for 7 minute stretches between commerical breaks. Let’s make them duke it out on pay per view. Estimated cost to produce and market: $10 million. Projected revenue: Billions!

4) Bail out the grunge rock industry.  Grunge has been largely nonexistent for the better part of 15 years. Yet, in it’s heyday it gave rise to the torn jean industry, the flannel shirt industry, the overpriced coffee industry, the Bridget Fonda movie industry, and the complaint rock industry. Folks, Grunge WAS THE EARLY 90′s! Sure, it got stopped dead in it’s tracks by Hootie and the Blowfish, but it was too big to fail. (I’ve heard that before…) Estimated cost: $500 billion.

5) Invade Mars. Mars has been looking at us funny for years. Their supreme leader (pictured right) has weapons of mass destruction. He’s not even trying to hide the fact that he has them like that other guy in the middle east. We should retool NASA to send troops to Mars, conquer it, and turn it into Galactic Disney. Estimated cost: $2.3 Trillion. Estimated revenue once it becomes the Magic Kingdom of Mars: $40 Trillion. The t-shirts alone will pay off the National Debt.

Carry on, Citizens!

Believe it or not, Obama is already missing the days of George Bush.  Okay, maybe you and I didn’t prosper under GWB, but he sure did. In Bill Clinton’s last year in office, Barack Obama made $240,505. In President Bush’s last year, he made $2,656,902. So, he made over 10 times as much money under Bush than Clinton. If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I couldn’t be more surprised than when I read that stat!

However, this year his salary is $400,000.  So, he makes 85% less under himself than he did under Bush. Now that’s change even he can’t believe in! And now you can see that he can’t possibly support the person (himself) who has caused his income to plummet so drastically.

Because I’m such a civic minded person, I’m offering to switch places with President Obama in 2012. I figure that I could give up selling books and the President’s salary would be a HUGE increase in my income. Meanwhile, Obama could go back to selling books and see his income return to the stratosphere that would cause Nancy Pelosi to hate him again. I’m Patriotic like that.

Carry on, Citizens!

No, I’m not talking baseball hats. Americans still wear baseball style hats, but Hip Hop has sort of killed the nostalgic cool factor. I am referring to the power hats that used to define world leaders. Hats like this:

Do you think Kaiser Wilhelm would have made Kaiser without a hat like this? Of course not! This hat SCREAMS head of state!

Of course, the German Revolution marked the end of the Kaisers. Why? Because he stopped wearing the furry skull hat (as I like to call it) and started wearing a felt alpine hat. You can’t properly govern a country and look like an extra from the Sound of Music.

Genghis Khan was, pound for pound, our most fearsome Khan. He wore very powerful headwear, but always accessorized with a feather or two. This made him very popular with the Mongolian ladies. I tried this look once. I’m still single.

Russian style hats are very powerful and look equally good on women. This makes them the perfect hats for the World Domination minded lady. I think our first female President of the United States will wear one of these. In fact, I think the sole reason Hillary Clinton failed to get the Democratic nomination is her refusal to wear a Russian hat. Bonnie Bernstien should run for President wearing this hat.  I would quite my job just to work for her campaign.

I’ve given much thought to the type of hat that would best enable me to take over the world, and I’ve settled on the Marvin the Martian helmet. It’s powerful and green -a combination that I believe will ensure my success.

Do you have a hat that you think will help you take over a country, continent, or your local PTA? Send me a picture. Or better yet, send me the hat.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

I haven’t been this disappointed in an album since Van Halen III. Industry experts say that Chinese Democracy by GNR is the most expensive album of all time. This CD may have forever proven that music quality is inversely proportional to production budget.  (Somebody graph that for me.)

Let’s face it, the music world has been a desolate place since Toad The Wet Sprocket broke up, but I can’t rant about that when there are more serious issues at hand. Namely, the Citibank bailout and the fact that they can’t pay their bills but they can pay Mary J Blige several million dollars for an endorsement deal.  Folks if you aren’t giving your congressional representative a verbal smack down over this, then stay the hell out of the voting booth in 2012. You have no right vote for anything more serious than American Idol or the next color or M & M’s.

Carry on, Citizens!

Your Income:
___x___ is below our minimum requirement.
___x___ is insufficient to sustain payments on the amount of credit requested
___x___ could not be verified.
Your Corporate Management:
___x___ is filled with greedy tools who have contributed to the demise of our economy.
___x___ couldn’t be trusted to run a roadside fruit stand.
Your Credit History:
______ of making payments on time was not satisfactory.
___x___ could not be verified.
Your Application:
______ lacks a sufficient number of credit references.
______ lacks acceptable types of credit references.
___x___ reveals that current obligations are excessive in relation to income.

Other: __x____ You want the average taxpayer to bail you out so you can continue to offer the “exclusive services” you describe in your commercials that under no conceivable circumstances would be offered to the average taxpayer.

The consumer-reporting agency contacted that provided information that influenced our decision in whole
or in part was (Equifax Credit  Information Services, Inc., P.O. Box 740241, Atlanta, GA 30374 (1-800-685-1111) .) The reporting agency is unable to supply specific reasons why we have denied credit to you. You do, however, have a right under the Fair Credit Reporting Act to know the information contained in your credit file. You also have a right to a free copy of your report from the reporting agency, if you request it no later than 60 days after you receive this notice. In addition, if you find that any information contained in the report you receive is inaccurate or incomplete, you have the right to dispute the matter with the reporting agency. Any questions regarding such information should be directed to Equifax.

If you have any questions regarding this letter, you should contact us at the Association of Taxpayers Who Are Sick of Government Bailouts (Taking out All Congressional Incumbents in 2010). We will refer your questions to our Indian call center manager “Bob” and he will engage you in a series of increasingly annoying transfers and restating of your information until you bludgeon yourself with the business end of your phone.

NOTICE: The federal Equal Credit Opportunity Act prohibits creditors from discriminating against credit
applicants on the basis of race, color, religion, national origin, sex, marital status, age (provided the
applicant has the capacity to enter into a binding contract); because all or part of the applicant’s income
derives from any public assistance program; or because the applicant has in good faith exercised any
right under the Consumer Credit Protection Act. The federal agency that administers compliance with this
law concerning this creditor is (FDIC Regional Office).

Thank you for your interest in Taxpayer Money. Please don’t contact us again.

Sincerely,

The Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Baseball fans have to endure interruption marketing between innings. But, they expect to see beer commercials and promos for the latest shows on Fox. They tolerate it in exchange for a free couch seat for the Fall Classic.

What they don’t expect, and thus haven’t given permission, is to endure campaign commercials. Even worse, Obama is going to delay game 6 so he can buy 30 minutes of network air time.

I’ve decided that as punishment for last night’s interruption of the World Series by the 2 campaigns, we should interrupt the inauguration with an impromptu Whiffle Ball game. Drop me a note if you would like to play a little Whiffle Ball in D.C. next January.

Carry on, Citizens!

Barack Obama has accumulated more campaign money than any other Presidential candidate in history. It’s obscene enough that this money isn’t going to agencies who could be helping the poor during this economic crisis, but he’s actually buying a half hour in prime time to talk (down) to the American people. And not just during any prime time -if the World Series goes 6 games, it will be delayed by Obama’s speech. They claim it will be delayed only 8 minutes, but it’s the principle not the time that offends me.

Don’t Americans deserve our World Series free from the relentless campaigning we’ve endured the past 2 years? Don’t we deserve a respite from politics? Don’t we deserve the right to complain about Tim McCarver over analyzing the game without first having to endure Obama’s interruption of the Fall Classic?

So, I’m asking you to protest Senator Obama’s interruption of the World Series. If the Series goes to game 6, turn the volume down until he’s done talking and post a comment on this website.  Any comment, about any topic. I don’t care.  Please tell all your friends to comment here as well.  I will take all the comments and send them to Washington in order to make sure this never happens again in our lifetime.  Do it for your children and your children’s children who deserve to see a World Series without politics!

Carry on, Citizens!

After thinking about the long-term ramifications of her decision, I’ve come up with some other domain names she should snap up quickly and redirect to herself:

IAmTotallyUnDateable.com

MyJobProspectsJustEvaporated.net

WhyDontIGetInvitedToParties.org

HaventLaughedInSixYears.com

IHopePetaHasAHealthPlan.org

Feel free to add some of your ideas!

Carry on, Citizens!

So today, the government declared a new Living Goddess. The new Maoist government sidestepped 239 years of silly -err I mean serious tradition by naming the Kumari instead of letting the high priest of the monarchy do it. Government apologists might argue that there technically is no monarchy anymore, but I think that’s splitting hairs. I think it’s a dangerous thing when the government gets to choose the goddess. Just think if that happened in America?  During the Clinton administration, we might have had Barbara Streisand as our goddess! That just wouldn’t have been good for ANYBODY!

I think my choice of American Goddess would depend on the decade. In the eighties, I would have voted for Martha Quinn. In the 90′s, probably Heidi Klum or Sandra Bullock. Early part of this decade, Scarlett Johansson. Now that I’m 40, it’s back to Martha Quinn!

Carry on, Citizens!  (and L’Shana Tova!)

But moments later in that Seinfeld episode George announced, “but suddenly, a new contender has emerged.” And if Al were here tonight, instead of saving an arthritic squirrel from eating nuts produced by a farmer that uses ghastly fossil fuels to transport them to the market where an old man who talks to himself purchases them to feed to the squirrels who are his only companions now that his son has moved to La Jolla and never calls… was I going somewhere with this sentence?

Oh yeah, I was going to point out that Joe Biden is on his way to supplanting Al as the electoral village idiot. And who better to help him than Katie Couric.  It seems Katie was pitching her usual softballs in an interview when Biden offered this gem:

“Part of what being a leader does is to instill confidence is to demonstrate what he or she knows what they are talking about and to communicating to people … this is how we can fix this,” Biden said. “When the stock market crashed, Franklin Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the princes of greed. He said, ‘look, here’s what happened.”

Wow, Joe Biden was in his 3rd year of law school in 1929, so you would think he would know better. Of course if you had a TV in 1929, you would have been shocked to see Roosevelt talking since you would expect your actual President in 1929 Herbert Hoover to be laying down the wisdom.  Still, few people would have known that Roosevelt was masquerading as President four years early because few people owned the experimental medium at the time.

You would think someone who gets paid $15 million to read the news ought to know things like that. Chalk it up to another reason for CBS to have buyers remorse.  I have to think NBC execs spit Absolute out their noses every time someone mentions Couric’s ratings. More people watch Gilmore Girls reruns than CBS news these days.

All of this has me encouraged. We could see new heights of stupidity in the next few months. I’m going to need a TiVO and some Cheetos.

Carry on, Citizens!

Now, I always suspected that a homeless person might have other more pressing needs than let’s say… a voter’s registration card! Call me crazy, but I think food, shelter, health insurance, and a job might just be higher on the needs list. I say this with some reasonable amount of authority in that I’ve raised several million dollars for homeless programs in the past few years.

Yet today, I realized that I was just as wrong about the homeless as Barack. They don’t need to vote. And they don’t need shelter. Apparently, they need condoms and Red Bull. Especially the wheel chair bound homeless in Dallas. The man in question entered a 7 Eleven with a baseball bat and proceeded to smash the cash register. However, he didn’t take any money. Instead, he made off with condoms and an energy drink. This is what happens when cardboard and markers are in short supply.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

That’s right. He’s going to end Interleague play. No longer will fans be subjected to the Reds vs the Royals. No longer will Yankee fans suffer the misery of watching the Nationals. And in San Diego, rejoicing fans are pondering a future without ever having to watch the Orioles bring the their sad product to Petco Park. Now if we can just get Bud Selig tried for crimes against humanity…

Carry on, Citizens!

The American taxpayer paid $29 Million for the two conventions. Why? They didn’t add anything to the debate and the nominees were already decided.

Speaking of the debates, what a bunch of vanilla squirrel vomit! Badnarik was on the ballot in 49 states and Nader was on 34 ballots. Where were they? They were barred by the Dem’s and Rep’s. That’s not democracy people. America is too big and faces too many issues for two parties to dominate the discussion.

It’s time for a new way of doing it. Jeffreaux’s way:

12 candidates: 4 republicans, 4 Democrats, and 4 representing the Libertarian, Green, Reform, and Constitution parties.

The 12 participate in 8 regional debates. Questions are determined by the media in each region doing polls to determine what issues matter the most to the people in that region. Before the debate, EACH CANDIDATE MUST GIVE HIS/HER ANSWER TO THE QUESTION IN THE MEDIA. Then they defend, explain, clarify their positions in the debate. At the end of the 8 regional debates, we vote. NO PRIMARIES, NO CONVENTIONS, NO RIDICULOUS SPENDING!

Instead, we get meaningful discussion on the issues that matter. Candidates are forced to take a position and that position is tested against the views of ALL the other candidates. Most of all, we get real democracy, real choice, and a real understanding of who we are voting for.

Ok, I’ll stop the political ranting now and go back to being a professional smart *$$.

Carry on, citizens.

Yesterday, my sister-in-law held the phone up to her crying 2 month old baby. Riley, stopped crying as long as she could hear my voice. When the phone was pulled away, she started to cry again. The pull of the Diego is getting increasingly difficult to resist.