5) Super Bowl IV- The Scandinavian Culinary Society of Greater Duluth creates a likeness of Fran Tarkenton using lutefisk and food coloring. Although the Vikings went on to lose to the Chiefs, the sculpture is believed to be the only truly great use for lutefisk in the history of mankind.

4) Super Bowl XXV- Watching the game from a hostel in Bulgaria, the members of Milli Vanilli correctly spot that Whitney Houston is lip syncing the National Anthem. Ironically, the media claim they were tipped off by anonymous sources, which by 1991, Milli Vanilli were.

3) Super Bowl XXVIII- Absolutely convinced that the Bills couldn’t possibly lose 4 Super Bowls in a row, Sidney Munson of New York vowed to drink a combination of wing sauce and beer via a bong. When it becomes apparent that they will lose to the Cowboys, he loaded the bong with three Natural Light Beers and a bottle of Extra Hot Buffalo style wing sauce. Munson successfully downed the mixture but was not able to control the IBS episode that came with in seconds of the last drop.  The party hosts sent him a bill for the subsequent carpet and upholstery cleaning.

2) Super Bowl XXXVII- Living up to their respective teams nicknames, Raiders and Buccaneers fans stage the worlds largest sword fight in the lobby of the San Diego Omni. As they were using real swords, 97 fans went to the emergency room. No one died, but the combined total number of stitches matched the combined total yards in the game: 634.

1) Super Bowl XXXVIII- On the way to the bathroom, in a small house filled with people watching the game on smaller than 30 inch TV, and over 20 feet from said TV, I glanced back over my shoulder just in time to see Justin Timberlake expose Janet Jackson’s boob. Nobody believed me, for none of that crowd was even watching the halftime show. And for twelve hours, I felt like the man who had the courage to say, “yes, I’ve seen Big Foot.” But as dawn broke, the news of Nipplegate (as it came to be known) spread across the land. I was vindicated.

Carry on, Citizens! (And go Colts!)

1) Teams must run the Wishbone every third down.

2) No punts and no field goals. Teams must go for it on fourth down.

3) Only use 80 yards of the field and hold an Arena Football game simultaneously with the rest of the space.

4) Make the cheerleaders try out at the preseason games. Let the fans vote on who makes the squad.

5) Brett Favre must play the entire game in order to work off the ill will he generates by his annual “I’m not going to play/ I’m going to play” soap opera.

6) Celebrity quarterbacks in the third quarter.  Now starting for the Colts, Danica Patrick!

7) No coin toss.  Each head coach must throw a trident into the stands. The first one to impale an opposing fan gets to choose offense or defense.

Concessions should be half price. If you’re not going to play the starters more than one series, let us have cheap beer.  That will help us forget that the quarterback in the 4th quarter will watching from the same sports bar as the fans in week 4.

9) Teams don’t have a real incentive to win preseason games. So, take the numbers off the losing teams jerseys.

10) Referees should have tasers instead of flags. Use your imagination!

11) Eagles games should include a halftime show of Michael Vick trying to outrun a hundred pit bulls.

Those ideas should make the preseason much more entertaining. They might even be more entertaining than the real season.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

As much as a pain in the butt he has been to the Bengals front office, if I were their GM I would have immediately changed his jersey number. He whined all summer, demanding a trade. Whined some more when he didn’t get one, then showed up to training camp late. Yes, I would change his number to eight. And, I would make the eight pink, just so fans can constantly be reminded of Ocho’s inner eight year old. Of course, he does that pretty well himself.

Carry on, Citizens!

I know I promised to post the email address of the foul mouthed little punk who posted his Chicago Bears rant a few days ago. Apparently he made up the email address he submitted, because I tried to fire one off to him and it bounced back.

So, I thought I would let the rest of you post your responses here. Of course, I get the first shot:

Dear Gordonsrock:
Nice call on the Super Bowl. Next time you come into my blog talking smack, you had better make sure your little girls up in Chicago can back it up. Hope you spent as much time in the mud after the loss as Rex did in the second half. Hang your Urlacher jersey back in the closet with your Jim McMahon headband and take the Bob Avellini autographed 8 x 10 off your fridge. Your mom is tired of looking at it.

Sincerely,
Jeffreaux

Carry on, Citizens!

The fallout from the decision has stretched from northern Indiana–errr Native American to Miami. A distraught Peyton Manning said, “Native Ameria what? How the heck do I pronounce that in a commercial? My endorsement days are over!”

Taking it particularly hard was Reebok Licensed Apparel plant manager John Foreman. The Native Americanopolis based factory had produced thousands of Colts Super Bowl Championship t-shirts in anticipation of a Colts win. “Foreman ended his life after hearing of the court’s decision,” said a company spokesman. “He looked out upon the sea of “Indianapolis” merchandise produced this past week and took his life in the only way he could, given the circumstances. He ripped off his shirt, laid on the platen, and let the automated printer impress “Indianapolis Colts, Super Bowl Champs” on his bare chest. Then he jumped on the dryer belt and road through the industrial dryer.”

SPATMO has been joined at the Super Bowl for a week-long protest of the NFL by PETA, NAMBLA, and the SPCA. PETA is particularly annoyed by the animal names used by sports teams. Peta spokesperson Maple Davis issued the following statement:

“PETA is here to protest the using of animal names for team nicknames. Consider the poor Cardinal. Our research has show that self esteem in Cardinals throughout the country is at an all time low. Knowing that the Arizona Cardinals are the laughing stock of the NFL has caused depression levels in real Cardinals that haven’t been seen in this country since Stan Musial retired. Unless you want to see Cardinals on Prozac, you had better rename Arizona. And do I even need to talk about the Lions? Matt Millen has single handedly caused suicide rates among captive zoo lions to increase 400% during his tenure. PETA estimates that if he finishes his contract, lions will be extinct by 2011!”

A SPATMO spokesman views the victory as only the beginning. “We plan to join PETA in the fight to rename the animal team names. We feel the name Native Americana Youthful Equus Caballuses of Indeterminate Gender, Orientation, Religion, and Shoe Size is more politically correct.”

Reebok countered by saying that if SPATMO was successful, they would close North American operations, move to Australia and sell Aussie Rules Football gear.

Enjoy the Super Bowl and cheer on the Native Americanapolis Equ– oh, screw SPATMO!

GO COLTS!

Carry on, Citizens!

Dick Vitale continues to lobby for Indiana University to name the basketball arena after former coach Bob Knight. It’s bad enough when he’s calling an IU game, but I’m sick of hearing it during ACC, SEC, Big 12 and other games Dick calls. Dick, a university is NOT going to honor a guy that just sued it. I don’t care how many games or championships he has won. Get over it.

I’m sure when Knight retires there will eventually be some sort of recognition of his accomplishments. Until then, let it go, Vitale.

Trivia Question: I don’t know the answer to this, I just want to know if someone else does… Indiana has 3 former head coaches in the Basketball Hall of Fame: Everett Dean, Branch McCracken, and Bob Knight. Does any other school have 3 or more coaches?

Carry on, Citizens!