It has recently come to my attention that there are millions of out of work Citizens in America. And due to the clever leadership offered by Democrats and Republicans in Washington, this situation does not appear to be changing anytime soon. If fact, it we may never see leadership out of Democrats and Republicans. But, the job situation is about to change. Sort of.

I’m offering for the first time, an internship! That’s right, Citizens, you could be my intern/personal assistant/iPod syncher (not sure if that’s a word, but it’s a necessary part of doing this job). Of course, there will be no money involved. We wouldn’t want to jeopardize your unemployment benefits that Congress so generously extended just today. Besides, how can you put a price on the valuable experience you will gain as you join me in the following activities:

• Picking out a tie.
• Recording podcasts with me and Brian!
• Raising money for a good cause.
• Spell checking my next novel!
• Helping me figure out which album that one Billy Idol song is on…
• Helping me avoid occasions where I have to wear a tie.
• Answering my phone calls in a snotty tone and saying I’m not available. Ever.
• Helping me organize my collection of bobble head dolls.
• Arguing with my turtle that it’s time to go in his shell.*
• Filling my Pez dispenser.
• Check that, finding my Pez dispenser.

We’re not limiting this search to just the jobless. Want to quit your job and come hang out with me all day? I can’t pay you but there will be plenty of beverages and M & M’s.*  You will also get a Citizen Intern t-shirt, you’re own intern blog, and an office.*

So, do you have what it takes to be the first Citizen Intern? Well, make your case with either a blog comment or Facebook comment and Carry On Citizens Intern Search Team will evaluate your pitch. And if you’re not up for an internship, then please forward this to somebody who really who doesn’t need money but would benefit from being exposed to my unique brand of oddness (I just realized that “exposed” is probably not the right word to use in an intern recruiting ad, but relax this isn’t Capital Hill!). I’m counting on you Citizens! I’m counting on one of you to answer the call. I’m counting on one of you to say “yes” to adventure. I’m counting on one of you to find my Pez dispenser!

Carry on, Citizens!

Disclaimers and fine print:

*Turtle doesn’t bite.

*Plain or Peanut.

*Office may in fact be a chair in my office.

Would the answer be Prairie View football fans?  They lost 80 games in a row during the 90′s. Going to those games had to be the equivalent of watching a live performance of 28 Days Later, only gorier. I suspect season ticket holders had to be the same 200-300 people who rented the straight to video sequels of Children of the Corn.

No, I think we can crown a new Champion of Baseless Sports Optimism. This isn’t even a contest folks. The new title goes to the Russian Soccer Fans. That’s right, kickball – I mean soccer, has produced the most optimistic fans in the universe. Of course, the cold temperatures and the high rates of alcoholism have contributed to this prestigious award. How else can you explain that in a recent study, 8% of Russians believe they have a chance at winning the World Cup -despite the fact that the Russians didn’t even qualify! That’s optimism folks!

Other results of the survey found that 2% of Russians believe Turkey will win, despite also not having a team qualify. 12% of Russians believe that Drago was hosed by the judges in Rocky IV and 17% were too drunk to finish the survey.  100% of those surveyed found the vuvuzela to be an annoying musical instrument that should be banned from all sporting events.

Carry on, Citizens!

So, here is a sampling of today’s spam:

Valk Shively wrote to me to say, “of it. Then she thou.”  I’m not sure what she’s going to “thou.”  And I’m really not sure what kind of name “Valk” is. It sounds like the name of a really tough guy, or maybe a nihilist.

Mark Denno writes, “Ts of her industry. She wanted her people. h.” I wonder what the “Ts of her industry” are…

Lance Hensley has announced that “the tablets of happiness are here.” I could use some tablets of happiness!

Do you ever get the bogus Facebook friend request spam?  Tonight, Facebook has written to tell me that Angelina Jolie wants to be my friend. I don’t think this is really from Facebook. And I doubt Angelina is buttering me up to play Kate in the movie version of Trolley Dodgers. I think she could play Maple, however.

Chipman Tuckey sent me a message that, “imitation that the art of building.” First, I think Chipman Tuckey is a great name. I think I will use it in a book someday. Second, I think this might be a coded message from a secret agent. He may be planning the overthrow of some third world country. Maybe I should open this email…

GetViagrafromPhiser is offering me 77% off Viagra. I’m not falling for that, because OrderViagraOnline is offering me 80% off. I’m holding out for 85%.

Sidney McNalley has sent me a Windows Security Alert. I have a Mac, Sidney. But thanks for the heads up.

Sister Josiane Benson from the Ivory Coast wants to wire me $7.5 million dollars. I asked if I could have it pennies. She hasn’t responded.

Will Baty writes, in what could only be described as an ode to copywriting while on acid, “me pay for fittin’ this here Fox patrol out with uniforms. that’s my ijee b.” I’m glad Will is paying, because I really don’t have the cash for “fittin” an entire Fox Patrol. I wonder what kind of uniforms they wear?

That’s all the spam I can share tonight. I have to order my tablets of happiness now, because “that’s my ijee b.”

Carry on, Citizens!

The worship of Sounvenirous comprises a variety of rituals meant to appease the god and thus curry some sort of artifact as a sign of his favor. The most common manifestation being the receiving of a foul ball or a tossed ball from a player. The former is considered to b much more of an expression of divine favor, as the event is random and often painful.  Souvenerians, as they call themselves, are mostly found in baseball ballparks, but splinter denominations have been found in ice hockey arenas, at Arena Football games, and Mardis Gras.

Thus brings us to the part about child sacrifice. It is not uncommon amongst unlearned practitioners of Sounvenirism to hold up a child in order to curry favor from one of the diety’s minions (a player) or to unwittingly stop the flight of a hard hit foul ball. The second option almost always ends in the injury of the child and after the thrill of getting the ball, the embarrassment of the parents.

It’s rare to see such blatant Souvenirous worship these days, as many people have stopped worshiping at games and spend inning after inning on their iPhones, wasting the box seats their companies paid for to schmooze clients. Souvenirous is often offended by such insolence, and retaliates by a well timed broken bat shard to the neck.  However, I did see such a thing at an Indianapolis Indians game last week. Two parents, holding up their child and calling for a ball sat a couple of rows in front of me. Luckily their child was spared, as he must have not pleased Souvenirous. He was rather odd looking.

Carry on, Citizens!

The Olympics also have a sport called “curling.” Curling was invented by 2 Canadian third shift security guards.  One night they drank an entire case of Molson each and decided they needed a recreational activity. The result was a cross between bowling, shuffleboard, and obsessive compulsive sweeping. A statue in honor of the two men was erected in their native Winnipeg.  It depicts one of them with the tell tale curling broom and while the other is vomiting. It’s a striking display.

Sports That Should Be Added

Donkey Basketball is, sadly, not part of the Olympics. Shocking, isn’t it? This sport has everything -goofy uniforms, donkeys, and from what I can tell from this picture, about 20 loyal fans! It also doesn’t seem to require a significant amount of athletic prowess, which the average viewer can probably relate to a lot more!

Apparently, donkey basketball has been a target of PETA and that might explain why it’s not in the Olympics yet. I don’t know their problem could be. PETA had no qualms about subjecting us to Dick Button all those years. Yeah, that’s right PETA, I’m calling you out on the Dick Button thing. Where were MY animal rights when he took the microphone?

Anyway, enjoy the Olympics and check back for more sports that should be included in the Olympics. Now, I’ve got to head to Best Buy to see if they have Curling for the PS3.

Carry on, Citizens!

5) Super Bowl IV- The Scandinavian Culinary Society of Greater Duluth creates a likeness of Fran Tarkenton using lutefisk and food coloring. Although the Vikings went on to lose to the Chiefs, the sculpture is believed to be the only truly great use for lutefisk in the history of mankind.

4) Super Bowl XXV- Watching the game from a hostel in Bulgaria, the members of Milli Vanilli correctly spot that Whitney Houston is lip syncing the National Anthem. Ironically, the media claim they were tipped off by anonymous sources, which by 1991, Milli Vanilli were.

3) Super Bowl XXVIII- Absolutely convinced that the Bills couldn’t possibly lose 4 Super Bowls in a row, Sidney Munson of New York vowed to drink a combination of wing sauce and beer via a bong. When it becomes apparent that they will lose to the Cowboys, he loaded the bong with three Natural Light Beers and a bottle of Extra Hot Buffalo style wing sauce. Munson successfully downed the mixture but was not able to control the IBS episode that came with in seconds of the last drop.  The party hosts sent him a bill for the subsequent carpet and upholstery cleaning.

2) Super Bowl XXXVII- Living up to their respective teams nicknames, Raiders and Buccaneers fans stage the worlds largest sword fight in the lobby of the San Diego Omni. As they were using real swords, 97 fans went to the emergency room. No one died, but the combined total number of stitches matched the combined total yards in the game: 634.

1) Super Bowl XXXVIII- On the way to the bathroom, in a small house filled with people watching the game on smaller than 30 inch TV, and over 20 feet from said TV, I glanced back over my shoulder just in time to see Justin Timberlake expose Janet Jackson’s boob. Nobody believed me, for none of that crowd was even watching the halftime show. And for twelve hours, I felt like the man who had the courage to say, “yes, I’ve seen Big Foot.” But as dawn broke, the news of Nipplegate (as it came to be known) spread across the land. I was vindicated.

Carry on, Citizens! (And go Colts!)

Anyway, as I did in 2008, I wanted to be the first to write a 2010 year in review. So, 364 days early, here’s what happened in 2010.

January:

• The Association of University Scientists Who SWEAR Global Warming is Real announce their annual meeting in Kansas City is canceled due to a blizzard.
• During the State of the Union Address, President Obama announces that GM will reintroduce the Chevy Vega. He also announces his desire to “address the single American problem, now that Health Care has been solved.”

February:

• On Groundhog Day, PETA protests using animals to predict the weather in Punxsutawney, PA. The Groundhog predicts 6 more weeks of winter, then gnaws the leg off of one of the protesters. Video of the attack gets 7.5 million hits on YouTube.
• Fearing a drop in romance due to the Great Recession, Congress announces a Cash For Cupid Program. Tax credits are given for the purchase of red roses, heart shaped candy boxes, and those chalk tasting little candies with stupid little phrases like “Be Mine” on them.
• Singles Against Discrimination (S.A.D.) files a lawsuit against the government for not being able to take advantage of Cash for Cupid. Congress amends the program adding a Cash for Internet Dating Program. The President hails the legislation as the first step towards getting all 101 million single Americans a date by Memorial Day.

March:

• In a stunning display of political correctness gone wrong, members of the House and Senate announce that St. Patrick’s Day should be spectrum neutral and refuse to wear green. Tea Party activists refer to themselves as the Green Tea Party for one day in protest. 98% of Americans ignore both of them.
• 3 days into Spring Training, the Padres announce that they are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
• Upon realizing that Cash For Cupid and Cash for Internet Dating aren’t budget neutral, President Obama sells North Dakota to Canada.

April

• Kentucky wins the National Championship in basketball. Investigators announce that recruiting violations will force them to vacate the championship only hours later. John Calipari celebrates the third Final Four he “didn’t go to” by going to Disney World.
• Led Jeffelin announces they will reform and go on tour.

May

• President Obama announces his Get All the Single People a Date program is successful. Republicans claim that 23 million people still have not been on a date. The administration later admits to counting all of Paris Hilton’s dates twice.

June:

• Hank Blevins of Utica, NY successfully friends everyone on Facebook.
• In-fighting and a tour bus with a faulty toilet force the Led Jeffelin tour to cancel several shows.

July

• Apple announces a new rotary iPhone for retro hipsters. It sells out in less than a day, but users are furious when they find that a woman in Mayberry, NC named Sarah must connect them to all their calls.
• Led Jeffelin plays to a crowd of 100,000 in Central Park.

August:

• A 96 degree day in St. Louis prompts Al Gore to hold a press conference to announce Global Warming is real. And he REALLY means it this time.
• Congress passes the first piece of legislation that every man, woman, and child in North America agrees with: The banning of the Geico Caveman commercials from television.

September:

• The government announces that now that they have fixed everyone up in America on a date, it’s time to start working on that second date.
• Led Jeffelin announces that the tour has prompted them to go back into the studio and record their first album in 23 years.

October:

• The Yankees win another World Series in front of a crowd of 17 people.
• Approximately 93 percent of American teenagers dress up as a Twilight character for Halloween. The cool 7 percent toilet paper their houses.

November:

• In a shocking political development, the Libertarian Party captures the majority of seats in the House and Senate.
• President Obama pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, but Vice President Biden accidentally backs over it with his car.
• The Detroit Lions lose on Thanksgiving Day again.

December

• Congress announces a Cash for Christmas campaign and gives tax credits for people buying Christmas presents. This prompts Jews, Muslims, Pagans, and the guy who invented Festivus to demand their own tax credits. The Administration announces, they will give tax credits to anyone who buys anything for any reason in December.
• The Great Recession officially ends, but the U.S. Debt is so high that we have give California to China for collateral.
• Hank Blevins successfully follows everyone on Twitter.

Carry on, Citizens! And Happy New Year.

There are so many questions swirling down the toilet of my brain right now. Why steal something you can pretty much make anytime during the day? How much does pee fetch on the black market? What does one do with stolen pee?

I hope the economy recovers soon, because I don’t want to live in a world where people in Utah steal urine. Heaven only knows what people in New York might start stealing.

Carry on, Citizens!

Believe it or not, Obama is already missing the days of George Bush.  Okay, maybe you and I didn’t prosper under GWB, but he sure did. In Bill Clinton’s last year in office, Barack Obama made $240,505. In President Bush’s last year, he made $2,656,902. So, he made over 10 times as much money under Bush than Clinton. If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I couldn’t be more surprised than when I read that stat!

However, this year his salary is $400,000.  So, he makes 85% less under himself than he did under Bush. Now that’s change even he can’t believe in! And now you can see that he can’t possibly support the person (himself) who has caused his income to plummet so drastically.

Because I’m such a civic minded person, I’m offering to switch places with President Obama in 2012. I figure that I could give up selling books and the President’s salary would be a HUGE increase in my income. Meanwhile, Obama could go back to selling books and see his income return to the stratosphere that would cause Nancy Pelosi to hate him again. I’m Patriotic like that.

Carry on, Citizens!

When reached, Stanger was surprised about the award. “Wow, really? Guess I better get busy and write the thing. I wonder if I could get some help from a ghost writer.”

Carry on, Citizens!