Well, Citizens, we have your answer. Panda Dung Tea. “Where can I get Panda Dung Tea,” you ask. Not at Starbucks, at least not yet. Panda Dung Tea is the invention of An Yanshi. Yanshi believes you’re going to love Panda Dung Tea. He believes you’re going to love it so much, you’ll pay $200 a cup for it. That must be some tasty tea! (You should try it and let me know)

Yanshi is an entrepreneur, living in Southwest China. He’s been growing tea using panda poo for quite some time. I wonder how he got the right poo. Did he try other native Chinese animal poo before he decided on Panda? These are the questions I must know before I order it at Starbucks. In the meantime, I’ll stick with my boring black tea without the Chai Berry Mocha Unicorn Sprinkles.

Carry on, Citizens!
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For those under the clouds

Staring up in awesome wonder

As tears come slowly down

Reaching up a needful hand… ~Jars of Clay

There are many of them in the Indy area —needful hands of every race, religion, and background. There are more of them this year than ever. So many, it seems overwhelming. I’ve been working for the Salvation Army for over 8 years. I’ve never had so many people come to me directly for help. People that were volunteers or donors a year ago, are out of work, wondering where the next check will come from, and how will they give their kids a Christmas.

Yet out of this seemingly unending uncertainty, lots of hopeful stories are out there if we choose to look for them. Here are my three favorites so far:

1) On Saturday, a woman came up to me in Sullivan’s Hardware where we were broadcasting the WIBC/Salvation Army Radiothon. She had a $100 bill she wanted to donate. I thanked her and then asked if she could do me a favor. A little boy was ringing the bell next to a kettle inside the store and I asked if she would put it in his kettle. She happily complied and gave the boy a story he could tell all his friends.

2) A good friend who is Jewish called me at home to let me know his annual toy delivery would be a few days past the cutoff but before distribution. Not a problem at all!  He has given faithfully for years. It says so much about our community that a very diverse group of people come together to make sure children and families have toys and food during the holidays. 

3)At the Colts/Cowboys game Sunday, we were collecting toys with the folks from WISH-TV. A woman pulled up with a car full of toys. She told us she sold her tickets to the game (very good seats apparently) and used the money to buy toys.

There are a lot of needful hands this Christmas. This year I’m asking all the Citizens (people who follow this blog) and event the casual readers to help fill those hands. There is still time to give a toy. There is still time to donate. There is still time to make a small gesture that will have a huge impact for someone else. If you would like to fill some needful hands, please go to my Online Red Kettle.

Carry on, Citizens!

It has recently come to my attention that there are millions of out of work Citizens in America. And due to the clever leadership offered by Democrats and Republicans in Washington, this situation does not appear to be changing anytime soon. If fact, it we may never see leadership out of Democrats and Republicans. But, the job situation is about to change. Sort of.

I’m offering for the first time, an internship! That’s right, Citizens, you could be my intern/personal assistant/iPod syncher (not sure if that’s a word, but it’s a necessary part of doing this job). Of course, there will be no money involved. We wouldn’t want to jeopardize your unemployment benefits that Congress so generously extended just today. Besides, how can you put a price on the valuable experience you will gain as you join me in the following activities:

• Picking out a tie.
• Recording podcasts with me and Brian!
• Raising money for a good cause.
• Spell checking my next novel!
• Helping me figure out which album that one Billy Idol song is on…
• Helping me avoid occasions where I have to wear a tie.
• Answering my phone calls in a snotty tone and saying I’m not available. Ever.
• Helping me organize my collection of bobble head dolls.
• Arguing with my turtle that it’s time to go in his shell.*
• Filling my Pez dispenser.
• Check that, finding my Pez dispenser.

We’re not limiting this search to just the jobless. Want to quit your job and come hang out with me all day? I can’t pay you but there will be plenty of beverages and M & M’s.*  You will also get a Citizen Intern t-shirt, you’re own intern blog, and an office.*

So, do you have what it takes to be the first Citizen Intern? Well, make your case with either a blog comment or Facebook comment and Carry On Citizens Intern Search Team will evaluate your pitch. And if you’re not up for an internship, then please forward this to somebody who really who doesn’t need money but would benefit from being exposed to my unique brand of oddness (I just realized that “exposed” is probably not the right word to use in an intern recruiting ad, but relax this isn’t Capital Hill!). I’m counting on you Citizens! I’m counting on one of you to answer the call. I’m counting on one of you to say “yes” to adventure. I’m counting on one of you to find my Pez dispenser!

Carry on, Citizens!

Disclaimers and fine print:

*Turtle doesn’t bite.

*Plain or Peanut.

*Office may in fact be a chair in my office.

That’s right folks, the Citizens Research Institute (Motto: Manipulating the Data Since 1968.) have discovered that the key ingredient to a long and healthy life is pudding. Lot’s of pudding. Our studies have shown that 10 out of every 10 people who don’t eat pudding every day eventually succumb to death -which our research has concluded to be fatal.

We have also concluded that people that eat pudding every day never die. Ever. Bill Cosby is actually 327 years old. His secret: pudding. It wasn’t until he landed the commercial gig with Jell-O that he began to spread the pudding secret to the masses.

There are a variety of pudding options to choose from, which makes it great for the health conscious person who wants variety. I tend to stick to the chocolate varieties, but can venture into the butterscotch and swirls. Tapioca is right out. It has the consistency of chilled snot and as such, has no health value whatsoever. Figgy pudding is still under investigation as the Citizens Research Institute has filed suit to have it removed from the pudding family and deemed torture by the standards set forth in the Geneva Convention.  Rice pudding does have some health value, we suppose. But, we don’t typically hang out with the kind of people that “love” rice pudding, so keep that in mind.

So, don’t despair over the news about vitamins. Just start eating pudding every day. You will be happier and live longer. Now if we can just get chicken wings recognized as the 5th food group…

Carry on, Citizens!

I haven’t been this disappointed in an album since Van Halen III. Industry experts say that Chinese Democracy by GNR is the most expensive album of all time. This CD may have forever proven that music quality is inversely proportional to production budget.  (Somebody graph that for me.)

Let’s face it, the music world has been a desolate place since Toad The Wet Sprocket broke up, but I can’t rant about that when there are more serious issues at hand. Namely, the Citibank bailout and the fact that they can’t pay their bills but they can pay Mary J Blige several million dollars for an endorsement deal.  Folks if you aren’t giving your congressional representative a verbal smack down over this, then stay the hell out of the voting booth in 2012. You have no right vote for anything more serious than American Idol or the next color or M & M’s.

Carry on, Citizens!

“Just as soon as you’ve washed yours.” ~ Jeff

Hootie and the Blowfish wrote the quintessential hand holding song in the Mid 90′s. I’m sure if they were writing it today, they might want to change the lyrics. According to a University of Colorado study, women have more bacteria on their hands than men.

According to Noah Fierer, an assistant professor in Colorado’s department of ecology and evolutionary biology, “The sheer number of bacteria species detected on the hands of the study participants was a big surprise, and so was the greater diversity of bacteria we found on the hands of women.”

Other findings in the study:

• Women have less acidity in their hands than men.
• Women have more bacteria under their skin than men.
• The average hand has 150 types of bacteria.
• Less than 17% of the bacteria were common on both hands.

Truly the most disturbing part of the article was this quote from Rob Knight, co-author of the project who was asked if guys should worry about holding hands with girls: “I guess it depends on which girl.”

Dude!! I don’t need that kind of pressure! Dating is hard enough as it is without having to carry a black light with me just to see if I can hold hands! I really hope whichever candidate wins tomorrow has a plan to end funding for studies like this. I would prefer not to worry about this kind of stuff. It’s bad enough wondering whether or not your date is going to turn out to be Glenn Close!

Carry on, Citizens!

And speaking of unrecognizable, which team’s fans are going to need a program more, the Pacers or IU Basketball?  I’m excited about Tom Crean taking over in Bloomington, but this squad (and the Pacers) remind me of the Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League.

So, this is probably going to be a more productive writing fall/winter for me. If you enjoyed my 1st two novels, that’s probably a good thing. If not, I apologize in advance for the fiction that is about to be wrought upon this earth.

Today’s question: which band does PETA hate more: Meatloaf or Smashing Pumpkins?

Carry on, Citizens!

As promised yesterday, here is the excerpt from Bart Giammati:

“It breaks your heart.  It is designed to break your heart.  The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.”

~ from The Green Fields of the Mind

by A. Bartlett Giammati

Fast Company is the magazine “where ideas and people meet.” Apparently, the Company doesn’t meet with the people very Fast. On September 23rd, I subscribed to Fast Company. While ordering online, they even convinced me to sign up for Inc. magazine as well for “only 9.99 more!” I should have known it was too good to be true.

As of today, I have yet to see one copy of either magazine. I’m sure they would say that their fine print (which I didn’t read) says that I should expect 4-6 weeks for delivery. But here’s where it gets interesting: I’ve received 3 solicitations from them asking me to extend my subscription!  That’s right, their computers have sent me 3 pieces of junk mail and absolutely NO copies of either magazine! That’s Fast, but it’s not my kind of Company!

It’s kind of sad that a magazine that is about what’s next, what’s new, and what’s cutting edge is still using 90′s direct mail techniques. Oh well, I like to read so I guess I’ll put up with it. I’ll just write a new name on the cover of the magazine when it arrives:  Slower-Than-An-Arthritic-Turtle-Swimming-Upstream-In-A River-of-Frozen-Molasses Company.

Carry on, Citizens!

After thinking about the long-term ramifications of her decision, I’ve come up with some other domain names she should snap up quickly and redirect to herself:

IAmTotallyUnDateable.com

MyJobProspectsJustEvaporated.net

WhyDontIGetInvitedToParties.org

HaventLaughedInSixYears.com

IHopePetaHasAHealthPlan.org

Feel free to add some of your ideas!

Carry on, Citizens!

If you don’t want to help me, you can help the less fortunate by purchasing the Dallas Cowboys endzone which is in the catalog for $500,000.  Proceeds go to the Salvation Army. There is also a $250K authentic Guinness pub.

But forget the pub. Let’s build a Lego Jeff!

Carry on, Citizens!

I was hoping to at least come out with some material I could use in a future book or short story.  It didn’t happen. Oh well, I managed to go to the Pacers game tonight where they held a throwback game to benefit the Salvation Army and a few other charities. There were many good stories at that event…

But, I’m going to leave you hanging until for a little while on that.  If you’re following me on Twitter, look for some special freebies next week after Brian the COC web pilot gets back from vacation or wherever he’s at this week.

Carry on, Citizens!

For some people, Elvis has only been “mostly” dead. There is a segment of our population (a rather trailer park intensive segment) that believe Elvis never died. In fact, they are so adamant about this that there is a whole museum dedicated to this theory. Or, at least there was.

The Elvis is Alive Museum in Wright City, MO is closing. After two attempts to sell it on Ebay, owner Andy Key is throwing in the towel. Along with the sequined jumpsuit. It seems he can’t keep it running. He also seems to have made a bad investment in the Elvis is Alive industry. He payed $8,000 for the museum on Ebay last year. That made me wonder if I could sell a Jeff is Alive museum. In this economy, it would be easier than selling my house.

Carry on, Citizens!

When I was in college, a tankable druid was a hippie chick that was easy to get drunk. So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw one for sale. How could this be? I had to click and find out what this was all about.

Much to my surprise, vbarrack.com doesn’t sell hippie chicks. Or any kind, for that matter. What they do sell are virtual characters for online Massively Multiplayer Online Games. And apparently, people are REALLY SERIOUS about these games because they charge $639 dollars for a Level 70 Male Night Elf Druid. I’m not sure exactly what a Male Night Elf Druid is, but he must be pretty darn good to fetch that kind of money. I’m guessing he’s like the Peyton Manning of Elf Druids.

According to the people selling Mr. E. Druid, he has guardian and vindicators drops. Those both sound pretty handy. Of course, if I had vindicator drops, I would put them in a squirt gun. Then I would shoot them at people who cut me off in traffic.

Mr. Druid also has Vengeful Gladiator’s Salvation and Vengeful Gladiator’s Reprieve. That all sounds good enough, but just what type of salvation and reprieve is E. Druid handing out?  I mean, these are supposedly the guys who built Stonehenge and some of the triptychs have fallen down. So, how eternal is that salvation?

Under talents, our level 70 druid has feral combat skills. I have no idea what that means and I don’t have the energy to look it up. He also good at enchanting and jewel crafting (which shows he has a softer side). I’m guessing he really didn’t want the sellers to broadcast his artistic side. It takes away from his Vengeful Gladiator image.

They make a big deal out of pointing out that Mr. Druid is transferrable. I’m assuming that is some sort of safety precaution.  It lets you know that he won’t spray you with vindicator drops if you move someplace miserable like North Dakota.

Unfortunately for Vbarrak, I didn’t buy the druid. I wanted to complain about the whole “truth in advertising” issue since I thought I was answering an ad for hippie chicks. But, their main page has something called a Level 70 Male Undead Rogue who has a “Merciless Gladiator Slicer.” That doesn’t sound like it’s used for corned beef, so I’m not saying a word.

Carry on, Citizens!

So today, the government declared a new Living Goddess. The new Maoist government sidestepped 239 years of silly -err I mean serious tradition by naming the Kumari instead of letting the high priest of the monarchy do it. Government apologists might argue that there technically is no monarchy anymore, but I think that’s splitting hairs. I think it’s a dangerous thing when the government gets to choose the goddess. Just think if that happened in America?  During the Clinton administration, we might have had Barbara Streisand as our goddess! That just wouldn’t have been good for ANYBODY!

I think my choice of American Goddess would depend on the decade. In the eighties, I would have voted for Martha Quinn. In the 90′s, probably Heidi Klum or Sandra Bullock. Early part of this decade, Scarlett Johansson. Now that I’m 40, it’s back to Martha Quinn!

Carry on, Citizens!  (and L’Shana Tova!)

Ball State is 4-0 in football.

McCain & Obama are our choices for President.

Brett Favre is a Jet.

The Bills, Titans, and Broncos are undefeated.

Nearly 60,000 people have voted for Jeff to be Emperor instead of McCain/Obama for President.

Carry on, Citizens!

Of course, I subscribe to theory that Stonehenge is not the mystical site of Druid worship, but rather a discarded alien batting cage that subsequent cultures have been trying to reinterpret for years. I base this on the infinitely more reliable scholarly work Kansaska. This groundbreaking work blows the lid off true significance of Stonehenge, while reading more like a novel than a scholarly work.  Plus, it has the added benefit of making me money.

Finally, I think my one of my favorite movie scenes of all time is the Stonehenge number from Spinal Tap. God Bless YouTube for allowing me to share it with you.

Second, you’ve probably heard that T-Boone Pickens has a plan to save our country via alternative energy. He has a website and commercials, but just isn’t getting his message across.  That’s where Al Gore comes in. Al is coming to the Mt. Comfort airshow with the missiles and machine guns he recently added to his private jet. His plan is to shoot down all the non “green” pilots at the show that are polluting the air without any consideration to their “carbon footprint.”

Then, Al is going to sky write T-Boone’s plan over the airshow and let Hoosiers know how they can stop destroying the earth and start thinking green.  Al can make smoke letters in the sky with impunity because he is cognizant of his carbon footprint. You cannot write in the sky with impunity. You have no idea what your carbon footprint is. (Neither do I.)

Al, gets a pass because he does something called a “carbon offset.” A “carbon offset” is the mulligan you get on your nongreen activities by doing something green somewhere else. So, when Al has one of his maids recycle the glass wine bottles from his most recent $3,000 a plate fundraiser for the Stop the Iceberg Lettuce from Melting Society, he can feel good about polluting the air over Mt. Comfort, IN. (His staff didn’t have the heart to tell him that Iceberg Lettuce doesn’t actually grow on icebergs.)

Now you have the makings of a great airshow. Al Gore doing battle over the skys where I grew up. Maybe the Blue Angels will shoot him down. If the wreckage lands in my parents’ yard, I would certainly come visit more often.

Carry on, Citizens!

Consider the following from Wikipedia: (Okay, I know Wikipedia has serious flaws, but it works for this illustration.)

Wisdom, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is defined as “1 a: Accumulated pillows or scientific learning : knowledge; b: Ability to discern inner qualities and relationships : insight; c: Good sense : judgment d: Generally accepted belief <challenges what has become accepted wisdom among many historians — Robert Darnton>. d: A wise attitude, belief, or course of action. e: The teachings of the ancient wise men”.

Only senses b() and (c) above are related to intelligence, though are clearly distinct from it. Wisdom is often considered to be a trait that can be developed by experience, but not taught.

That last sentence defines the problem of wisdom: it can only be developed by experience. Sure we try to teach wisdom. The Bible has a whole book devoted to it(Proverbs) . It’s just that we never seem to get it. Wisdom has to be learned.

Wisdom prevents people from doing stupid things. So, as a writer, I appreciate the lack of wisdom in the world. It gives me plenty of material to write about. (See yesterday’s post) But, the lack of wisdom also prevents us from getting along (See the Middle East).

Feel free to post comments about wisdom. Either wisdom you gained or when a little more might have helped. Mostly, I think I needed the wisdom I have now 20 years ago. Even 5 years ago. Or before I started typing tonight.

Carry on, Citizens!

Some days, life is miserable. Some times, the only way to keep from crying is to find a way to laugh. That’s why I love the Odd News section. When I need to laugh, I check out the Odd News. Why? The people are real. The stories are surreal.

Take for example today’s story about a man in Poland. He ran into the most interesting person while visiting a brothel: his wife. Most of you immediately thought, “Great! I’m glad she caught him.” Not so fast. She was one of the working girls.

It seems that she had told him she was working in a store. She failed to mention that she was peddling … well, you get the idea. The story says they got a divorce. I particularly liked that the story is accompanied by a picture of the room at the brothel. (Empty of course.) It looks like a room at a bed and breakfast. Bet they make a deluxe omelet.

That kind of wackiness isn’t confined to Europe. Why just yesterday, two men in New York wheeled a dead man in an office chair to a check cashing store to cash his Social Security Check. You really need to read this one. Go ahead, click on the link. I’ll wait.

Does it get any better than that? I like the fact that they tried to dress him, but couldn’t get his pants on! It’s hard to dress a corpse. Much harder when you’re a heroin addict. I also liked that they faked surprise when the man was pronounced dead. It’s hard to act. Much harder when you’re a heroin addict. Even harder if your Paris Hilton.

Carry on, Citizens!

The reason this is the end is that we’ve outgrown the TD Blog.  So, we’re moving to CarryOnCitizens.com starting tomorrow. (just a placeholder there now, so no peeking) There will also be major changes on all my websites over the next few days.  This is an exciting time! Kansaska will be available soon and 7 Dead Flamingos will be released later in the year.  We will be moving the archived posts over as well, so if you missed something, you will be able to find it.   You will also need to reset your RSS feeds tomorrow.

I hope this won’t be too much of an inconvenience.  Thanks to everyone who reads my blog and I hope you visit CarryOnCitizens.com soon!

Carry on, Citizens!

LOS ANGELES – Nicole Kidman is pregnant, her publicist confirmed Monday. The 40-year-old actress and her husband country singer Keith Urban “are expecting a baby,” publicist Catherine Olim said in a brief statement. “The couple are thrilled,” Olim said. (Source AP)

I am glad the publicist cleared that up. I was worried about what they were expecting. I’m sure Nicole and Keith were too. “It was touch and go there, for a while. We weren’t sure if it was going to be an armadillo or Don Cheadle. My wife and I are thrilled to be having a baby instead,” said Urban.

If Olim loses her job as a publicist, she has a great future in sports broadcasting. John Madden has made a career out of shouting the obvious to millions of football fans each Sunday. “What the Quarterback needs to do is complete more passes. If he completes a pass in the endzone, it will be a touchdown. After the touchdown, his team will try for an extra point.”

I long for the days when you can pick from a menu of sports broadcasters to call the game you want to see. Don’t want to listen to Brent Musberger latch onto one phrase and repeat it 37 times in one game? (That really happened, by the way.) Then tune into Jeff’s call of the Colts game.

You may be asking, why would Jeff be any more entertaining than the other knuckleheads who call professional sports. In a word: fiction. I would make stuff up. I would keep the game interesting by inserting random made up “facts” about the players, coaches, fans, and hot dog vendors. You would never know if a stat was real and that would make the game more interesting. Here’s a sample:

“Eli Manning drops back to pass. Manning, an experienced spelunker, looks over the middle and finds the tight end. That puts him over 25 completions for the game, which equals the number of dead U.S. Presidents he has carved out of driftwood during team flights. It will be third down and about a yard. Speaking of third, he and his wife are expecting their third child. Or Don Cheadle.”

Now isn’t that better than, “To win, Atlanta is going to have to score more points than the Rams?”

Carry on, Citizens!

We closed yesterday’s post with June. The year is half over. It was a pretty interesting 5 months (No February, remember), but the next 6 were outrageous.

July

• Shortly after the All Star game (American League 7, National League 3) the Mitchel commission decides they are tired of investigating baseball players on steroids. They announce that they will be looking into the ongoing rumors that several prominent American authors (as well as some of the hacks) have been using Alphabet Soup for some time. A disgruntled former editor from Random House is reported to have inside info that will shake publishing to its core. The use of Alphabet Soup (although not illegal during the 90′s) is widely regarded with the same type of stigma reserved for steroids in baseball.
• Hillary Clinton and Gene Simmons choose their running mates. Saddled with mounting debt stemming from the debate fiasco, Clinton is forced to choose Gore as her running mate. Not Al Gore of course, he had been dead since February. But the campaign needed to recycle all the Clinton/Gore campaign swag in order to save money. Her campaign suggested Tiper Gore, but Hillary had hated her since 1997. Insiders say it had something to do with the two wearing the same pant suit to a state dinner with the former Prime Minister of Myanmar. The only other famous Gore available is 49ers running back Frank Gore. After weighing the possibility of making the playoffs vs. winning the election, Gore agrees to join the campaign.
• Gene Simmons stuns the nation by announcing Jerry Seinfeld as his running mate. Larry King, Chris Mathews, Bill O’Reilly, Katie Couric, and nearly every other national news host wet themselves at almost the same moment realizing that the country will have either the first white female President/black VP combo or the country’s first all Jewish White House. The angle is analyzed to death over the next 5 months, causing the few 100 thousand people that still watch the national news to tune out altogether.

August

• Americans turn away from the election to the brewing literary scandal. The Mitchel Commission announces that they will conclude their investigation by October and name names. Rumors begin to leak about John Grisham, Janet Evanovich, and James Patterson. Oprah is called as the first witness, but all of the testimony is held behind closed doors.
• Pac Man Jones returns from his all inclusive trip to the Cayman Islands (as reward for Michael Moore) and announces that he is willing to shoot someone for the public good. The Federal Government thanks him for his dedication to civic duty, but sends him to Titans training camp. He is told to remain ready to go at a moment’s notice.
• The New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox have more wins than the entire National League combined. Commissioner Bud Selig declares that if the trend continues, he will cancel the playoffs and hold the World Series with the Yankees and Sox. Rumors abound that a Padres fan has enlisted the services of Pac Man Jones.

September

• John Grisham, Janet Evanovich, and other authors refuse to testify before the Mitchell Commission. One Hoosier author BEGS to be interviewed as he regards any publicity as good. Senator Mitchell is quoted as saying, “Jeff who?”
• With the pennant races running down and the National League looking miserable, MLB commissioner Bud Selig decides to announce his Yankees vs. Red Sox World Series. Before reaching the podium, he is shot by Pac Man Jones.
• NBC announces that the entire late 80′s/early 90′s cast is returning to Saturday Night Live. This includes Phil Hartman, who Lorne Michaels had frozen after his untimely demise. Doctors are able to revive him in order to bring back such endearing characters as Caveman Lawyer and Frank Sinatra.
• Not to be outdone, ABC announces they are bringing back the original cast of the Love Boat. Sadly, Ed Begley Jr, fearing a St. Elsewhere reunion, hires Pac Man Jones to kill the rest of the cast. Pac Man realizes it was just be easier to shoot Begley. Jones is not charged for the murder.

October

• The earth still doesn’t crash into the sun. But, the fudge does hit the fan.
• Given new life after the Selig assassination, the San Diego Padres sweep the NLCS and then go on to beat the Yankees in 6 games, winning their first World Series.
• The Mitchell Commission releases it’s report. Grisham and Evanovich are named, along with all of Oprah’s book club authors. The scandal rocks the book world, with citizens throwing Campbell Soup cans through the windows of Borders and Barnes & Noble. Grisham releases a statement that he only used Alphabet Soup during the writing of the Rainmaker and it was only because he was really struggling with the passive voice. Evanovich claimed that she only used Alphabet Soup during Eleven On Top and Twelve Sharp. She explained that by then she absolutely hated Stephanie Plum and it was the only way to fulfill her commitment to her publisher.
• In related news, both J.K. Rowling and Jeff Stanger were named, marking the only time in history their names will ever be used in the same sentence. Rowling used a similar substance that was ground into alphabet shaped sprinkles for her afternoon scones. Her only comment was, “You would juice too if you had to write 7 of those bricks.”
• Stanger’s editor announced she was leaving his service, inasmuch as she hadn’t found him funny since 2006 anyway and the Alphabet Soup scandal was too much of a black mark on her career. Stanger announced that his Alphabet Soup was from a bargain online store and didn’t contain any e’s, t’s, or w’s. His sales, he claimed, were proof that he had no competitive advantage.

November

• The Apprentice: Leader of the Free World Edition ends with Gene Simmons and Jerry Seinfeld winning in a landslide. The victory party is held at the Playboy mansion and KISS performs in full make up.
• Pac Man Jones is sent to the Middle East to kill Osama Bin Laden.
• Distraught over losing his editor and the shame of the Alphabet Soup scandal, Jeff Stanger grows Elvis sideburns and insists that everyone refer to him as “the King.”
• Alphabet Soup is banned from on the college and high school level. The greater Duluth Alliance of PTA’s successfully blocks the ban from elementary schools by successfully taking the case to the Supreme Court.

December

• Pac Man Jones actually finds and kills Osama Bin Laden.
• Gene Simmons chooses Ted Nugent as his Secretary of Defense.
• In an effort to salvage their careers, most of the authors named in the Mitchell Report join to raise money for literacy and fight Alphabet Soup abuse. The organization is poorly named and finds it hard to attract donors. Authors Against the Alphabet closes its doors before their 501 c3 nonprofit status is confirmed by the government.
• With his career spiraling down Jeff Stanger hosts a massive New Year’s Eve party to send off (or flip off) the year that was. Minutes before midnight, he realizes that the nose on the animatronic Rudolph in his front yard isn’t glowing. Stepping outside to fix the problem, he slips and falls, rendering him unconscious. While out, wind blows over the 20 foot Godzilla that is breathing fake fire on the fake north pole in his yard. Godzilla pins Jeff and hides him from the party guests. By the time the clock strikes midnight, Jeff is nearly frozen.

We hope you enjoyed our roundup of the events of 2008. Be sure to read our recap of 2009 to find out if Jeff survives being pinned by Godzilla in 20 degree weather.

Carry on, Citizens!

January-

• The Earth does not crash into the sun.
• After poor voter turnout in the early primaries, NBC announces that the candidates will participate in The Apprentice: Leader of the Free World Edition. Celebrity candidates are included to make the show more interesting. Gene Simmons, Brittany Spears, Screech, Tony Danza, Clara Peller, and Omarosa are added to the cast.
• Isaiah Thomas trades 2 players for a cardboard cutout of himself during his playing days in Detroit. Knicks owner Jim Dolan praises the move as the smartest decision since the Bulls drafted Michael Jordan. Unfortunately, Knicks fans disagree and burn Madison Square Garden to the ground. The Knicks play the rest of their home games on the campus of Manhattan College. Only students who can show no apparent understanding of the game are allowed to attend.
• Al Gore announces that February contributes more carbon to the atmosphere than any other month. On the strength of his Nobel Prize, he convinces Congress to ban February. On January 31, Gore is shot outside his home in Tennessee. Though his wounds are fatal, he continues to be on the cover of Time in six week intervals.

March

• After Al Gore’s assassination and the uproar from voters whose birthdays fall in February, Congress reluctantly overturns the Anti-February law.
• The Colts won the first ever March Super Bowl.
• St. Patrick’s Day is combined with Valentine’s Day since 2008 didn’t have a February. Hallmark loses a fortune on their Green Beer and Red Roses marketing campaign.
• Indiana University wins the Big Ten.
• Nancy Pelosi calls for an investigation into the murder of Al Gore. Top suspects include the NFL, florists, and the tourism bureaus of every city that hosts baseball spring training.
• Omarosa is fired on the first episode of Leader of the Free World Apprentice. Donald Trump can’t tolerate having an Obama and Omarosa in the same board room. Omarosa files a name discrimination suit against the show. In a settlement, they agree to make her Ambassador to Finland.

April

• Indiana wins the National Championship in Men’s Basketball. Eric Gordon scores 56 points to lead the Hoosiers over the College of Manhattan.
• NFL President Roger Goodell confesses to having ordered Pacman Jones to assassinate Al Gore. He is immediately pardoned by President Bush and February 15th is declared Thanks, Roger Day by Victoria’s Secret, the American Florists Association, the Chocolate Manufacturers of America, and PETA.
• April 15 brings about the most 4 letter words ever uttered in a 24 hour period in the history of mankind.
• Baseball season starts. The A’s announce that season ticket holders will be given the option of purchasing seats that don’t actually face the field. They sell out. Copycat programs are instituted in Tampa and Kansas City.

May

• Hillary Clinton, Barak Obama, Gene Simmons, and Brittany Spears emerge as the final 4 candidates on Leader of the Free World Apprentice. Viewers who thought Spears was only on the show for ratings begin fearing that she may actually win after a 60 Minutes report that she has 100% of the hard-to-win skank, trailer trash, and chemically unbalanced vote.
• Michael Moore releases a documentary on the horse racing industry, exposing the fact that jockeys are in fact shorter than the average American. He squarely places the blame (and rightly so) on the government, guns, global warming, and cotton candy. Shortly after the film’s release, he is shot by Pac Man Jones.
• By May 15, the A’s, Orioles, Marlins, and Devil Rays are mathematically eliminated from the pennant race in baseball.

June

• Isaiah Thomas announces that Madison Square Garden will be rebuilt. Celebrity designer Michael Graves is brought in to give the project flair. Early design concepts look strikingly similar to a bidet.
• Brittany Spears disappears mysteriously. The story gets less press coverage than a Jeff Stanger book release, as nobody wants her to turn up until after the election.
• Gene Simmons and Hillary Clinton become the final two candidates for President. Donald Trump orders them to debate in Kiss costumes. Gene, of course, comes as himself. Hillary’s campaign chairman suggests she go as Ace. Against advice, she debates as Peter Criss. Letterman and Leno have agreed to stop milking the “cat” jokes in the fall of 2012.
• 7 Dead Flamingos is released and immediately tops the New York Times Best Seller List. The author blows the money on a collection of rare Pez dispensers and an inflatable Godzilla that is 2o feet tall.

Check back Saturday for Part 2!

Carry on, Citizens!

According to the AP article,  “Indian authorities have struggled in recent years to deal with the tens of thousands of monkeys that live in and around cities. They are drawn to public places such as temples and office buildings, where devout Hindus feed them, believing them to be manifestations of the god Hanuman.”

Now, I don’t want to start a Holy War here, but if I was the god Hanuman, I wouldn’t want my manifestations (so to speak) cut off.  I would be very protective of my manifestations. Violently, protective.  So, I don’t think this plan is going to work.  I think it’s going to encourage even more monkey aggression.  Understandably, so.

Maybe they should give the unemployed  jobs finding manifestations of the goddess Hanuwoman for the manifestations of the god Hunuman.  Then the monkeys would be a lot less angry.  And nobody would lose their manifestations.

Carry on, Citizens!

So, I’ve declared this The Year of Distraction. Best not to think about all those zeros.  I’m going to distract myself with another blog war with Elizabeth. (It begins today.)  I’m also going to write more articles on Helium.  My Side Effects column was the featured humor entry today. That’s good motivation for the year.

I’m also going to distract myself with finishing some books. (Kansaska, 7 Dead Flamingos) I think that will make my editor happy.  It will also make my state government happy.  It seems they weren’t content with the property taxes I’ve been paying and decided to add zeros to my tax bill. (Yes, I said zeros) When I got the bill, I figured that the assessor decided to fund schools, the police, the fire department, and the roof of the new Colts stadium entirely from MY property assessment! I figure I can start eating again sometime in April –which isn’t the worst thing since I need to lose a number of pounds that probably ends in zero.

So, what can you expect from me in 2008? Well, I won’t be thinking about zeros!  I’ll be writing more, eating less, and keeping the pools open this summer with the taxes on my postage stamp of a lot and cookie cutter home in Marion County that wouldn’t even be fit for the hired help in Carmel. (Wow, did that sound bitter, cause it felt bitter when I typed it?)

I’m not bitter. I’m focused. Just not on the zeros.

Carry on, Citizens!

Progressive Financial Services is a collection agency. They hunt down people who default on their student loans. Currently they are hunting down Jeffrey Stanger. I am Jeffery Stanger. Any fourth grader who has picked up one of my books in a library knows that I’m not Jeffrey Stanger. But Progressive Financial of Tempe, Arizona, can’t seem to figure that out. I’m sure they have millions of dollars of high tech equipment, but they’re staffed by trained chimps and disagreeable middle managers who don’t seem to have the ability, inclination, or motivation to permanently delete me from their databases.

They have been calling me on and off for two years. Every time, I explain that I’m not the person they are looking for, and they assure me that I’m not going to be called again. Sometimes I get called the very next day. Katie Kelly (1-800-253-8167 ext. 3450) told me at 1:58 today that I would be purged from the system. PFI’s idea of purging is to wait until I get home from work and call me again. So, when I called back, I got Mr. Disagreeable. (He wouldn’t give me his name.) He’s the one who shouted at me and called me an idiot. I shouted back. I think I’ve earned the right to shout at Progressive Financial of 1919 West Fairmont Drive, Suite 19, Tempe, Arizona, 85282. They won’t leave me alone.

After Mr. Disagreeable, I called back and talked to Mark Zimmerman (1-800-253-8167 ext. 3310). He was a little nicer, but in the end, he gave me the same old song and dance. He assured me that it wouldn’t happen again and gave me some long winded explanation about batches and campaigns. For a split second, he seemed almost sincere. Then, I remembered all the other seemingly sincere people at PFS…

So, if you would like to help me out, send an email to any or all of the following email addresses:

management@progressivefinancial.com — I laughed out loud typing this one. Management?
sales@progressivefinancial.com
collections@progressivefinancial.com
custerv@progressivefinancial.com

Tell them that I’m not the guy they’re looking for. Tell them to stop calling me. And tell them a fourth grader can do their job better than they can.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

There will be music by the Fins, Led Zeppelin, and even the Beattles.  Okay, I made that up, but the Fins will be there.  You can also meet local celebrities like Apple Man, Bob Gregory, and your favorite radio hosts from Red Shield Radio!  (Apple Man is really Justin in an apple suit.)

Hope to see you there!

Carry on, Citizens!

I wouldn’t call this writer’s block. I’m not stumped for words or an idea. I’m just blank. My brain is at the beach and it’s not wearing sunscreen. (Ooh, that’s going to hurt tomorrow.)

Songwriters are lucky. They have a surefire gimmick that helps them through moments like this. It’s called the “La, la, la” technique. They run out of words or experience writer’s block, they can just drop in some “la, la, la’s” or “do, do, do’s” and nobody knows the difference. For example, Journey got writer’s block writing Loving, Touching, Squeezing, so they just dropped a bunch of “na, na, na’s” on the end and poof: top twenty hit. And how’s this for blatant wordlessness? The Police didn’t even bother to think of a title for one song, instead they named it “De Do Do Do De Da Da Da.”

That’s so unfair! I couldn’t get away with a string of la, la, la’s writing this blog. You would think I was crazy or Scoop Jackson. Oh well, I’ve got to find some words. Or my brain. Or both.

Carry on, Citizens!

Editor’s Note: The staff at the Trolley Dodgers Blog recognizes the fact that wordlessness is not “technically” a word. But, since Jeff Stanger is not “technically” a human, but a pod person sent to study humans and report back to the Mother Ship, we indulge his nonsense.

As I write this, the Padres are losing 3 – 0. But, I have my rally cap on. Anything could happen…

Carry on, Citizens!

1) Myanmar’s government has blocked the Internet for most of the country.

2) A brain eating amoeba is terrorizing the southern United States.

Now for most people, unrest in Myanmar (formerly Burma) is not a big deal. However, I’m huge in Myanmar. There is a Trolley Dodgers day in Myanmar. My birthday is a national holiday over there. I’m even on the back of the pya. (100 pyas make a kyat. 100 kyats make… something that you can probably buy stuff with.)

The point is: My last hope of becoming rich so I can retire and write shallow yet humorous books that improve the world by propping up unleveled furniture is evaporating! How will I conquer Thailand if I lose market share in Myanmar? This is definitely a setback.

I wish Myanmar was the only thing I had to worry about. Unfortunately, there is a brain eating amoeba running amok in the Southwest. According to Chris Kahn of the Associated Press, “Even though encounters with the microscopic bug are extraordinarily rare, it’s killed six boys and young men this year. The spike in cases has health officials concerned, and they are predicting more cases in the future.”

If that doesn’t scare you, he went on to say, “the amoeba living in lakes enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until you die.” It kind of makes you wonder why people would enter the country illegally doesn’t it? Think about it! Would you leave a country that doesn’t have brain eating amoeba to live in one that does? Of course not!

I think it’s time for our government to turn its collective attention to the Brain Eating Amoeba Crisis. I think that the military should form an elite squad of Amoeba Fighting Soldiers to save us from this threat. When they’re done, maybe they can go to Myanmar and turn the Internet back on. I’ll chip in a few pyas to help pay for it.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

The hotel alarm clock didn’t go off, even though it was set at the same time and same fashion as the day before.  The hotel iron started cooling down in the middle of ironing -it was still plugged in. My cell phone dropped 2 calls. When I got home, my fire alarm was chirping. I tested the battery. It’s fine. More chirping. I disconnected the battery. More chirping.  Maybe I should walk to work tomorrow.  It might be safer.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

As I rode on the shuttle, I listened to conversations about “best practices” and “sales teams” and “product positioning.” Then I thought about what I was getting ready to do. I could go on and on about fundraising and marketing and best practices, but I started to laugh to myself when I realized that all I really was going to do was listen to people talk. Then, on the next day, people were going to listen to me talk. After about 3 days of listening to each other talk, we were going to return from whence we came, and try to apply some of the things that we talked about.

Language is a funny thing. The right words can make us seem infinately more important than we really are. So, my challenge today is to post a comment with your job description. Boil it down to its essence. I think it will help you take things less seriously, and it might even make you laugh at yourself. I know I am. (laughing at myself, not you.)

Carry on, Citizens!

It turned out to be an interesting study in human behavior.  Some of the people got into the spirit right away and teamed up to search the building for clues. Others, like so often in large organizations, decided to go it alone. Some didn’t play at all. They were too busy. Too stressed. Too bad. That’s exactly why I wanted them to take the time to play.

One of the wrinkles I put into the game was a phrase. I realized they could figure out where the gifts were, without solving all the clues/riddles. So, I had an accomplice. She had the gifts, but she would only give them up if the right phrase was spoken.

After annoying most of the rest of the building and taking an hour or so out of their day, they found their gifts.  I’m going to do it again this year.  Of course, it will have to be more elaborate this year, so I welcome your suggestions. One idea I had was to start the game much earlier this year. Much earlier.

Carry on, Citizens!

It’s not as though I haven’t noticed the sunsets before. But, they have usually been so bright that I couldn’t type or admire the show. Today the sun is a little softer, less bright. Everything is orange and blue and a lot less gloomy.  The last sunset I watched was too long ago. That day, it dropped quietly beyond the horizon, but I stuck around to listen to the waves. A little later, bonfires began to illuminate the bay from Santa Cruz to Monterey.

Tonight, there is no beach. No bonfires. And there are no nieces calling me to come inside to play a game. So, I will keep on typing, because this is home and this is where the sun sets now. As for the wishing stars, they’re somewhere else.

Carry on, Citizens!

Q: Have you ever eaten a crayon?

A: “I must have. What kid doesn’t eat crayon?” (No color was given, but I suspect it was magenta.)

Analysis: I’m curious as to how many of my readers have indeed eaten crayon. I have, in fact, not eaten crayon. I have served it at dinner parties and when tailgating at IU football games. But, that was just out of pure hospitality. I never ate them myself. BTW, I find guests usually prefer a white wine with crayon.

Q: What was the last movie you watched?

A: “Spiderman 3.” On TV she answered, “I can’t remember, but I think it was a girlie movie.”

Analysis: Keeping in mind that I never saw Spiderman 3 due to the horrendous experience of having to sit through Spiderman 2, my analysis may be biased. However, I must point out that Spiderman 3 IS IN FACT a girlie movie. One of my best friends said he got up and left the theater when Spiderman began playing the piano. The defense rests.

Q: What was the last item of clothing you purchased?

A: “2 pairs of pants at a BOGO sail at Kohl’s. Do you know what BOGO means?”

Analysis: I indeed know what BOGO means.

Q: What is your dream vacation?

A: “Alaska. Oh, wait. That’s my dream where I want to live. My dream vacation is to go to Africa, ride on an elephant and look for tigers.”

Analysis: She may be disappointed by the trip to Africa. It has been my experience that elephants (even the most accommodating ones) don’t look for tigers. They are, as a group, quite anti-tiger. They’ve even been known to use tiger slurs when they think other species are not listening.

Q: Do you collect anything?

A: “Yes, old books -dated 1950 and before and stuffed animals. I don’t actively seek new stuffed animals, but I enjoy getting new ones.

Analysis: The stuffed animal thing may be a ploy, inasmuch as her birthday is tomorrow.

Q: What is your favorite blender setting?

A: Puree

Analysis: Very normal. Almost too normal…

Q: Name a movie that made you cry?

A: “It’s such a stereotype… The Notebook.”

Analysis: It seems The Notebook 2: Spiral Bound is never the answer to this question. I’m not sure why this is, but I plan to investigate.

Q: Have you ever made a prank call?

A: “Yes, to a boy. I was in middle school sleep over and playing Truth or Dare. I chose dare.”

Analysis: I wonder if they were eating crayons…

Q: What is your favorite flavor of Pez?

A: “Cherry”

Analysis: Is there any other possible answer to this question? I think not.

Q: How many stitches have you had in your life?

A: “4 or 5. When I was in eighth grade, I was playing basketball with 2 boys. I had a crush on one of them. Anyway, I fell on my knuckle and broke it. I didn’t want to cry so I kept playing. Later I had to have surgery, so I got out of gym for 2 months, but I still had to square dance. The boy never found out that I liked him.” When asked why, she replied, “I was shy.”

Analysis: Where do I begin? 1) She’s a gamer because she played through the injury. 2) Columbus schools should be investigated: How can they force anyone to square dance? Rhombus dancing, I’m right there. But square dancing? 3) This kid owes her at the very least dinner and a movie for Pete’s sake! She took a stint on the DL for him. That’s devotion. And he’s off with some girl that probably can’t even play basketball, let alone execute the pick and roll. I’m outraged.

Q: What are you dying to tell someone?

A: “I got nothing here.”

Analysis: She’s hiding something…

Q: What is your biggest secret?

A: “Grease is my favorite movie.”

Analysis: “We have pictures of you so-called mooners. And just because the pictures aren’t of your faces doesn’t mean we can’t identify you. At this very moment those pictures are on their way to Washington where the FBI has experts in this type of identification. If you turn yourselves in now, you may escape a Federal charge.”

I hope you have enjoyed today’s interview. Now you can discuss Elizabeth intelligently at dinner parties and around the water cooler at work. I know we do…

Carry on, Citizens!

I have decided to sell North Dakota. I really need some quick cash, and a lot of it. I figure the only way it’s going to happen is if Kevin Costner decides to make Trolley Dodgers into a movie, or I sell a superfluous state. I haven’t heard from Kevin (ever), so I’m going with selling North Dakota. Why do I need the money? I would like to buy Belgium.

Belgium is for sale. It was listed on ebay by a man who was discouraged by the government’s apparent inability to move the country forward. I don’t know all the details, but it seems to be a Hatfield/McCoy type feud between the Flemish (pronounced Phlegm-ish) and the Walloons (pronounced with a silly grin).

I think I can do a lot with Belgium. (Theme parks, world’s largest slip and slide, baseball, etc.) I just hope I can get enough money for South Dakota. Maybe I can trade them straight up.

Carry on, Citizens!

“Jeff, what would you call this piece of furniture?” they asked.

I stared at it for a few moments, and then imparted my wisdom.  “Bob. I would call it Bob.”

For the rest of the time they owned that house, they called it Bob. I’m glad my mother never reads this blog.

Carry on, Citizens!

Then came the Tylenol with Tires. It was a white Oldsmobile Cutlass, hence the name. The Tylenol gave way to a silver Calais. I called it the OldsmoBuick. It was followed the Scarlett Cricket –a Pontiac that made chirping sounds.

That leaves us with the Pearl. I got it around the time of the second Pirates movie and thought it was a good name. Dylan likes it too. Dylan is also two. Dylan is the son of my friend Brian Groce. Dylan is the first word of the last four sentences.

Dylan loves the Pearl. Whenever I visit the Groce family, Dylan let’s everyone know the Pearl is in the driveway. As I come up the sidewalk, he is always peeking through the window and shouting “the Pearl, the Pearl.” Of course it sounds more like “a burl, a burl” but you get the point.

Anyway, post a comment and let me know what names you have given to your cars. Have a good weekend.

Carry on, Citizens!

Recorded 3 podcasts.

Recorded 2 Red Shield Radio episodes.

Worked The Salvation Army Women’s Auxillary Golf outing.

Moved my turtles inside. Then back outside. Then back inside.

Played 15 games of bingo at Salvation Army Bingo Night.

Had 7 meetings.

Written 3 blog posts.

Saved Gotham from the Joker!

Thwarted Lex Luther.

And helped 37 little old ladies across the street.

It’s time for bed.

Carry on, Citizens!

Take for example today’s announcement by Harper Collins that they will publish James Frey’s next novel. I say “next” novel because that steaming pile of “nonfiction” he gave us a few years ago turned out to be mostly fabricated. Oprah went from falling all over this guy to apologizing to her viewers. What result of being panned by Oprah on afternoon slack TV? Another book deal. You will just have to look for him in a different part of Borders. That’s failing upward.

A few years back, Mike Barnacle plagiarized or flat out fabricated stories at the Boston Herald. You would think no serious news outlet would give this guy a job delivering the news, let alone writing it. Think again! He went straight to the NY Daily News and the Boston Herald. Now, he fills in for Chris Mathews on Hardball and is seen regularly on other MSNBC shows. Again, that’s failing upward.

Failing upward in sports…

Norv Turner: How does he keep getting head coaching jobs?

Cam Cameron: “Better and better…” Any long suffering IU fan knows that phrase all too well. Soon, Dolphin fans will hear it in their nightmares. He set the IU program back 20 years. As for his supposed offensive genius in the NFL… please, I could have coached the Chargers last year. It’s as easy as giving the ball to LT and praying he doesn’t get hurt. That strategy is good for 10+ wins if you, me, Homer Simpson, or one of my turtles is coaching.

Entertainment:

William Hung: This guy took a train wreck into a new career. American Karaoke turns out stars and Hungs. Both make a lot of bad music and a lot of money.

Okay, I’ve given you some examples. Now send me yours. I don’t even care if they are not celebs or sports stars. Help me create a database of the cosmically unqualified. I’m sure I’m going to be on it soon.

Carry on, Citizens!

PS Lyric of the day: “I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vicks. His hair was perfect.” — Warren Zevon. (I laugh every time I hear it.)

Below is an excerpt from an article titled “Mission Possible” by Jonathan Rosenblum:

“But how do we identify our mission? First, we must know our strengths and talents. Rabbi Yisrael Salanter, the founder of the Mussar movement, used to say that it is tragic for a person not to know his weaknesses, but it is doubly tragic if a person does not know his strengths. The latter are the basis of our primary divine service in the world.”

Lately, I’ve been to focused on my weaknesses. I need to be more focused on my strengths. This is more important as we mark the anniversary of 9/11. We owe it to those who died to live gratefully. We owe it each other to live a life of purpose. Most of us believe those last two statements, but we find our lives are out of balance when we lose sight of them. When we lack purpose and gratitude, we drift aimlessly –seeking meaning through the superficial and fleeting.

This is a good week to take stock. (9/11 and Rosh Hashana are this week.) I’m not sure if I’ve figured out my purpose. Okay, I think at this age, I’ve figured out why “we’re here.” I just don’t have a good handle on why “I’m here.” But, I am more grateful. So, I’m half way there.

Carry on, Citizens!

Life has a way of throwing us curve balls. Just when you think you know exactly where you are and what you are doing, something completely changes.  Why is life a constant stumbling between confidence and doubt?

Most of what I was sure of in life has been washed away like a sand castle.  Again.

Carry on, Citizens!

And the moment has arrived! I, Elizabeth – Blog War Competitor, finally have the chance to grace the pages of Jeff’s blog with my own words! And Readers, I’ve heard a lot about you… Good or bad, I may never say.

(I hear you’re edgy, fun, creative and intelligent – but don’t say I told you I heard that. It’ll be our little secret.)

I found out something about myself today that I did not know prior to searching for a topic for this post. I found out that I am truly Almost Average. That’s right folks, almost average. Not a bad thing to be, I suppose. I mean, average is so… normal. Now, I generally don’t place too much stock in online tests, but this one is different. This one will tell you straight up where you stand. I’d like to encourage you to take a momentary break from reading this to visit the site and take this test. It shouldn’t take you too long… unless you’re really smart. I think you’ll find it rather entertaining. Here is the link.

So how did you do? Ok, seriously, if you haven’t taken it, I’ll give you one more chance…

I always knew I wasn’t average. I don’t think I ever really wanted to be. 2.5 kids, white picket fence… not really my style. Lets take a look at what else in this world stands beside me in the ranks of “almost average.”

These are almost average:

Women – if you’re 5ft. 3.7in. or 5ft. 3.9in.

Men – if you’re 5ft. 9.1in or 5ft. 9.3in.

Using the internet for 7.1 or 7.3 different activities

A female dog producing 1 or 3 litters in one year

A total of 6.4cm or 6.6 cm of rainfall in September in Indianapolis

Well, I’m 5ft. 5in. and I use the internet for 8.2 activities and none of my female dogs ever produced any litters. Maybe I’m wrong on this whole almost average thing. Maybe I’m a bit further away than I thought… Judge for yourself by visiting my blog (or I’m sure Jeff would have something to say on the subject…) Be sure to check out the post I wrote yesterday – a whole interview with Jeff Stanger!

And, just to make you aware, it is National Be Nice To Editors and Writers Month and well, Jeff is indeed a writer. I’ve been trying my best to be nice but hey, even almost average people slip up every now and again.

In the famous catchphrase of this blogs normal (not average) writer:

Carry on, Citizens!

I have thought about it for a while. Some possibilities:

Beautiful Day by U2- great song to start the day with. “It’s a beautiful day, don’t let it get away.”
Birdhouse in Your Soul by TMBG- always makes me smile. “Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet”

Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel- You either get it or you don’t… “You can keep my things, they’ve come to take me home.”

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2- Spiritually honest. “I believe in the Kingdom Come, when all the colors will bleed into one.”

Monkey’s Gone to Heaven by Pixies- when I’m feeling disturbed. “The creature in the sky got sucked in a hole.”

Wild World by BoDeans – “It’s a poor fool that stumbles this way…”

Or maybe it’s Looking for Me Somewhere by BoDeans… “To live and die it seems, is a waste without a dream.”

If you think you know my theme song, drop me a note.

Carry on, Citizens!

P.S. I’m guest blogging on Elizabeth’s blog tomorrow!

I became friends with my Uncle George during the summer of 1997. Of course, he was dead by then, so we didn’t talk much. I had met him when I was a kid, but I never really knew him until my grandmother Roxy read aloud his memoirs during the summer we tried to buy the Dodgers. Over the course of two evenings in June, she shared his adventures as we sat on her screened-in porch.

As she read, kids from the neighborhood played whiffle ball. By the end of the second evening, the kids were crowded on the porch with us. I think it’s a good story. I’m not sure I believe it all, what with the aliens and the Canadians and the gypsies. But it’s a good story nonetheless. It’s too bad Roxy isn’t around to read it to you.

–from Kansaska

Carry on, Citizens!

One of the interesting adventures in the book business is the book signing. For a handful of authors named Grishom, King, Rowling, or Clinton, a book signing means a long line of people buying multiple copies of your book. For me, it means having a kid ask me how many chapters are in the book, then passing when he heard the answer. True story!

I was signing books at Victory Field in Indianapolis (Home of the Indians) to raise $ for a nonprofit called Play Ball Indiana. A boy (that I would guess was around 12 or 13) asked a lot of questions about the book and seemed to be ready to buy. Then he asked how many chapters were in it. When I told him, he said “oh” in a most disappointed tone. Then he said thanks and walked away. I always wondered if I should have offered to take some chapters out.

I’ve had some other unusual book signings. I did one at a Mary Kay event that raised $ for Hurricane Katrina relief. (long story…) I have done them at golf outings, craft fairs, and even at a Masonic Lodge. But never, ironically, in a book store! The one that I enjoyed the most was at the Indiana Historical Society. It was with 80 other authors in December. I will be doing that one again this year, so stop by and say hello. By then, my focus group of twelve year olds will have decided how many chapters are enough for Kansaska!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

There is only one problem: Trolley Dodgers isn’t offensive enough. In fact, it’s so unoffensive that Curled Up with a Good Kid’s Book gave it 5 out of 5 stars and it isn‘t even a children’s book! How am I going to get banned a review like that?

But, you can help. Call your local librarian and tell them to remove it from the shelves. If they don’t have it (which is a strong possibility) then ask your librarian to order it so you can complain about it. That’s all I ask. Get me banned. Or buy the book. I’m not picky.

Carry on, Citizens!

In 1973, Hilly Kristal founded a Bowery bar in the hopes of showcasing country music. The ridiculously long name of the establishment: Country, Bluegrass, Blues, and other Music for Uplifting Gormandizers. Few country acts came. Even fewer Gormandizers showed. Instead, it became the breeding ground for all things punk.

In the years that followed, The Ramones, Blondie, Talking Heads, Patti Smith, and a host of other bands honed their skills at CBGB’s. The Police played on of their first U.S. shows there. Most of those acts made it to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. If they ever add a venue category, this place should be one of the first inductees.

Some might say the music died last October. Unable to keep it open and plagued with mounting debt, Hilly closed the doors to CBGB’s. A final concert included Smith and Debbie Harry of Blondie.

Below is a short documentary on CBGB’s done by the BBC. Enjoy. RIP Hilly Kristal.

Carry on, Citizens!

1900 – 1919: The Early Years

The fledgling K.R.A.P. league began in 1903 with six teams. Concordia won the first two pennants then left the league to join the Federation of Agriculture, Retailers, and Tradesmen League. That league ran out of gas three seasons later and folded. Concordia rejoined the K.R.A.P. League the following season.

Dorchester won its only championship in 1905. The team disbanded the following spring after an inter-squad game lead to a massive bench-clearing brawl. Without enough players healthy enough to play on opening day, the team decided to forfeit the season.

Blue Rapids won its first pennant in 1906. The Blue Rapids Crawfish would be a dominant team in the league until 1925 when they left the league for spite.

Crete, Nebraska won championships in 1907, 1909, 1910, and 1911. Their league dominance ended abruptly due to the Great Cretan Uprising of 1912. Cretan took up arms against Cretan in a civil war that lasted 49 minutes, cost three lives (a mule and two pigs) and left the ballpark in ruins. Unconfirmed reports lay the blame for the violence at the feet of a seamstress who wanted to change the team’s colors to pink and black. A monument to those who fell that day was stolen in 1970 by University of Nebraska fraternity pledges. It was never recovered. Local residents claim the ghost of the mule can still be seen behind the convenience store that occupies the site of the old ballpark.

The absence of Cretans allowed the Gnomes take the pennant. Geneva had finished second twice before winning the 1912 pennant. Some league historians believe that Gnomes posed as Cretans in order to start the Cretan Uprising. At any rate, that’s what the owner of the mule believed, so he put a curse on Geneva’s baseball team. The Gnomes would not win another pennant until 1940.

Miltonvale won the next year and promptly moved to McPherson. I don’t mean just the team, the whole town moved. Miltonvale was later repopulated but failed to take to baseball the way the previous residents now living in McPherson did. However, they did field a Beer League Croquet team that won a national championship.

Moonlight won its first championship the following year. In 1915, Concordia won a third title and promptly left the league for greener pastures. They tried unsuccessfully to rejoin the K.R.A.P. league each of the next twenty years.

Beaver City won the next two championships and Blue Rapids closed the decade out with a win over league newcomer Portis. The Eskimos would find much K.R.A.P. success in the twenties.

–from Kansaska

Carry on, Citizens!

Anyway, after last week’s post about song lyrics, I started thinking about lyrics that made me laugh. (Intentionally or not) One of my all time favorites is from an old Pink Floyd song– “And the worms ate into his brain.” It takes some serious medicating to come up with a line like that.

Another favorite is from Metallica’s Enter Sandman. “It’s just the beast under your bed,” is just about the creepiest thing ever said in a song, yet it kind of makes me laugh every time I hear it. Laughter was probably not the effect the band was going for, so I don’t go to Metallica concerts for fear of savage beatings by fans who are serious about the beasts, and heaven knows what else, under their beds.

I also love the phrase “filibuster vigilantly” from Birdhouse in Your Soul. (TMBG) I now use that phrase to describe people who talk so long they make me sleepy. Do you know a Vigilant Filibusterer?

Well, if you have lyrics that make you laugh or remind you of someone you know, post a comment. In the meantime, remember that I’m your only friend… and to keep the night light on inside the birdhouse in your soul.

Carry on, Citizens!

Well, if you want to read about the lyrical blunders, check out The Archive of Misheard Lyrics. Some of the best are contained on their top 250.

I personally laughed out loud for #10 (REM), #13 (Madonna), #23 (Foo Fighters), and #52 (Alanis Morissette). There are many more laughs so plan to stay awhile. Other highlights include:

• Saving his life from warm sausage tea.
• Take me to the river. Watch me drown.
• I’ve got flu, rickets, and parasites.
• The girl with colitis goes by.
• Where the sheeps have lo mein.

All of the above are misheard lyrics from the top 250.
Feel free to drop me a note with your lyrical revelations. When I was a kid, Jody Werner thought Prince was singing “Apple dapple do” instead of “I would die for you.” We decided Jody’s version was better. No offense to Prince.

Carry on, Citizens!

One of my dreams is to be an author. (check) Next dream is to auth again. (Not a word, but it makes me laugh when I say it out loud.) That dream is almost a reality. So, like last time, I will be posting excerpts from time to time. Let me know if you like them. Really let me know if you hate them!

Background: George Bennett has been sent by his boss to Kansas to run a semi-pro baseball team. He must turn the team around in order to marry the daughter of his boss. The catch: The Portis Eskimos haven’t had a winning team in 19 years. It’s the spring of 1948, and George has only been in town for a day.

I followed Beanie out of the alley and past several buildings. When we arrived at the diner, the town, and I mean the whole town, was crammed in to see the new fellow. People were squeezed in booths, standing around tables. The ones that couldn’t get in were staring through the window. Only two seats remained empty.

“Sit there,” Beanie pointed to a seat next to a tall skinny fellow. Both men at the table rose and extended their hands.

“I’m Pastor Willoughby, of the First Church of the MethoBaptists,” said the tall skinny fellow.

“The first church of what?”

“We’re the First United Church of MethoBaptists,” he said proudly. “And when I say first, I really mean first. We’re the first church in the entire state of Kansas to unite the Baptists with the Methodists. We might even be the first in the country, although we haven’t confirmed that.”

Beanie nodded his head to confirm Pastor Willoughby’s declaration. “Alice Simpson, our beloved organist and church historian is looking into it as we speak.”

“Well, I hope she comes back with good news,” I answered. “I know I never heard of such a church.”

Pastor Willoughby looked over his shoulder to the crowd. “I knew he would be a fine addition to the community.” He turned back to me, “And what church do you attend, brother?”

“In New York, I attended a Lutheran congregation. We tried to merge with the Greek Orthodox Church, but we couldn’t agree on what hats to wear.”

–from Kansaska

Carry on, Citizens!

Mike Flynt’s story is a sunset. Sunsets inspire.

Mike Flynt is a football player, too. He plays for the Sul Ross State Lobos. (Division III) Mike is a senior who didn’t play last season. Or the one before that. Or any of the 35 seasons that came before. Mike is 59.

Jaime Aron of the AP does an excellent job of telling Mike’s story here. The nutshell is that he was kicked off the team before his senior season. After a life of success and dedication to physical fitness, he has decided to finish his eligibility. Even more inspiring is that he is doing it just as much for the teammates he let down all those years ago. He feels it owes it to them.

I think this story came at the perfect time. It helps wash away the filth of the Vick story. It also broke on the same day Elizabeth (my blog war competition) challenged me to learn to play the guitar. I used to have a guitar. It’s from my days in a band called The Jolly Pirates. Now, when I say “band,” I mean me and my friend Brian (Now a doctor in Colombus). And I say “jolly,” inasmuch as we only played when we had consumed the required number of barley pops in college. And when I say “played,” I mean we plugged them in and did things with picks that produced sounds. Having no formal training, musical ability, or concept of what electric guitar does to the sleeping habits of the rest of an apartment building at 3:00 AM didn’t stop us. Although our roommates did.

One night we decided that we could imitate the Who. I survived. My guitar didn’t. But I kept it long enough for my brother to have it restored. Years later, I gave the guitar to my friends’ daughter so she could take lessons. I always regretted never really learning how to play.

But Mike has inspired me. I’m going to learn how to play. Then I’m going to track down Brian and convince him to learn how to play. Maybe someday the Jolly Pirates will have their first gig. Maybe we can open for the BoDeans!

Carry on, Citizens!

The article also reported that the typical person had read 4 books in the last year. That’s encouraging to me, because with a US population of 302,664,820, that still means a lot of reading is being done. However, too few of you read Trolley Dodgers, as measured by my quarterly royalty checks.

So, next month I’m offering you the opportunity to do your civic duty of reading at least one book for the year! If you only read one book this year, why not make it Kansaska. Heck, I went through the trouble of writing it just for you! The least you could do is read it. And to show how civic minded I am, I will through in a bonus chapter! That’s right. After finishing Kansaska, just send me an email (jeff@trolleydodgers.com) with the phrase “I did my civic duty!” and I will send you a sneak peek chapter from A Common Disaster.

So, go read a book. My book. 45 isn’t that far away…

Carry on, Citizens!

That’s the official version. The Unofficial/Major Conspiracy version is that a serial urinator is targeting casinos throughout the United States. (That’s the story I’m going with.) This epidemic came to my attention after Floyd Kibiloski of Fern Creek, KY was the unfortunate person to sit in a chair after the Urina-Bomber left her liquid calling card. Floyd was not amused. He felt that sitting in a puddle of pee somehow detracted from the slots experience.

Floyd wasn’t too impressed with the response he got from Caesar’s Casino either. “My whole concern is that they fix this,” he told The Courier-Journal of Louisville, Ky. “It’s not apparent that they have anything in place to deal with this kind of situation.”

At first, I thought Floyd might be asking a little much of Caesar’s. But the Associated Press goes on to quote Angela Bunton, “who reviews patron complaints for the Indiana Gaming Commission, that similar issues had ‘come up a time or two’ at Indiana‘s 11 casinos but that she could not specifically recall one.”

Sounds darn fishy to me. Sounds like Angela and the rest of the Gaming Commission don’t want you to know about the Urina-Bomber. Well, I care far more about you than the Gaming Commission. When you go to a casino in Indiana, I’d like to think that nothing can come between you and the frittering away of your life savings, the glorious exposure to second hand smoke, and the scantily clad cocktail waitresses. None of which, I might add, can be enjoyed while sitting in pee.

That’s why I’m demanding that Indiana State Police get serious about capturing the Urina-Bomber. She can’t be that hard to find. She’s fifty, but looks eighty due to years of smoking three packs a day. She’s wearing pink terry cloth pants and a hideous sweater she bought from QVC when George Bush Version 1.0 was President. Her voice is somewhere between Selma Bouvier from the Simpsons and Harvey Firestein.

Rest assured, I will be all over this story until she is brought to justice. Even if it means I have to hang out in casinos, frittering away cash, breathing second hand smoke, and interrogating the scantily clad waitresses. I consider it my civic duty. Especially the interrogating.

Carry on, Citizens!

Don’t despair! Job security can be yours when you sign up for Michael Latham’s Employment Security Plan. For only $99, Michael will show you his proven technique of receiving a paycheck long after you have been proven to be incompetent and derelict in your duties.

The secret to Michael’s system lies in the magic of “disability pay.” With this special tool, you will be able to collect at least 60% of your salary until a “doctor” declares you “healthy” enough to work. And the beauty of it is, you can’t be fired until you’re cleared for work. You can drag it out forever and continue to stick it to the man.

Now, some of you might be saying, “I’m not the unqualified chaplain of a state counseling program that was created to deal with the fact that a state agency had been privatized. How can this work for me?”

Well, it can work for you, no matter what job you claim to do while you are actually campaigning and stumping for your buddies. That’s why Michael will show you, for criminally low price of $99, how to hold down 3 jobs at the same time, while producing relatively no measurable results to justify your continued employment!

But wait, there’s less. If you act now, he will toss in the Idiot’s Guide to Landing a Counseling Job that Lets you Work at Home and Never Actually Counsel People.

Finally, if you would like to see how well it has worked for Michael, see what praise the Indy Star has for his proven method of fleecing taxpayers.

Now, in other news, I am currently in a blog war with the delightful and talented Elizabeth Wilhelm. The challenge is to see who can go the longest without missing a day (Mon-Fri) of blogging. The winner gets undisclosed loot and the opportunity to gloat in front of a large crowd. Let the games begin.

Carry on, Citizens!

Happy 4th of July, Citizens!

You see, Sania Mirza is a Muslim from India. Shahar Peer is a Jew from Israel. And they just want to play tennis together. Each is pretty good on her own. Sania is ranked 44th on the WTA tour and Shahar is 16th. (as of this writing) They are planning to play doubles at Wimbledon. The last time they tried to play together, Islamic militants -worked up in a frenzy over a Muslim and Jew on the same court- forced them to back out of the Japan Open. But despite the potential repercussions, Sania doesn’t want to play without Peer.

This has happened at Wimbledon before with unhappy results. Pakistan’s tennis federation threatened, Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi with a suspension for the crime of wanting to play doubles with Israel’s Amir Hadad. It’s kind of hard to get your mind around this in America when a guy facing gun charges can’t even get suspended from the Super Bowl.

For the radical fundies out there, lighten up. It’s just tennis. And calling on the wisdom of Dennis Miller, “why hate someone for the color of their skin or their religion, when (if you just take the time to get to know them) there are so many valid reasons to hate them.”

As for Sania and Shahar, your courage is without peer.

Carry on, Citizens!

The microwave version is: The Superintendent is put on administrative leave while the school board (well, part of the board) tries to fire him. He collects large quantities of cash. Prior to being put on administrative leave, he was named Superintendent of the Year or Grand Marshall of the 4th of July Parade (I forget which) and the board voted to give him large quantities of cash. Then some new board members came along with larger quantities of cash than brains who felt compelled to remove him from office. Then the Board and the Superintendent spent large quantities of cash fighting each other (occasionally listening to the people who complained that this was wasting large quantities of cash.)

Note: I gave the microwave version because the real one is longer than all three Godfather movies combined with all the deleted scenes added.

At this point, God got involved. According to an Indy Star story, Kelly Butler testified that board member Nancy Walsh said, ” God appointed her to the School Board, and God appointed her to get rid of Dr. Williams.”

Board member Nancy Walsh denies that she made the claim, so somebody lied under oath. Supposing for a moment that it is true, that means God voted in the last election. I contacted Marion County clerk Beth White, to see if God was indeed registered to vote in Marion County, but she muttered something about poll workers, cursed and hung up on me.

This raises a good question: Is God a Republican or a Democrat? Given his commitment to freewill, I would guess he would lean towards being a Libertarian. However, their stance on drugs might force him to remain independent.

At any rate, here is what we know: God may live in Perry Township and may or may not be registered to vote. I called random township residents and asked if God lived in their neighborhood or if they might have seen him at a Walgreens or Starbucks. As of this writing, no one claims to have seen God in Perry Township. Or to put it another way, Perry Township may very well be Godless.

Now, this could continue if the board votes to reject the settlement at its next meeting on July 9th. Reason suggests they will approve and end this nonsense, but reason divorced Perry Township months ago and like all messy divorces, the kids are getting hosed.

I think I will go to that meeting. I think it will make for a good book or sitcom someday. Of course, in the world of sitcoms, the Perry Township School Board saga is the only show I can think of that makes F Troop look highbrow. But I’m not opposed to writing lowbrow comedy. As long as there are large quantities of cash.

Carry on, Citizens!

Most of the praise goes like this from Dan Wetzel at Yahoo sports:

“In a coaching business so full of phonies who talk character only to bend the rules, who consider the definition of discipline a player’s weight-room attendance, who wouldn’t dare pull something like this because it might hurt recruiting, here’s Joe Pa, four decades on the job and not giving a damn. Except about what’s right.”

Great. Paterno dealt out a team-wide punishment that is both exceptional and unheard of in college sports. I applaud his character. This time.

What I don’t applaud is his lack of character 21 years ago. The patron Saint of the Keystone State stayed silent when members of his predominantly white team made racially insensitive remarks in front of a predominantly black University of Miami team. (Read ‘Cane Mutiny for more details on the event.) The event occurred the day before the Fiesta Bowl, won by Penn State. No sweeping punishments followed that event. Instead, they blissfully celebrated a National Championship. Of course, the offense didn’t happen as publicly as a drunken brawl with multiple arrests. And, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton weren’t there to crucify Paterno like they did Don Imus recently.

So, Joe Pa remained a saint. So much that nobody raised so much as an eyebrow when the man who wouldn’t allow Penn State’s logo on their helmets for the last 40 years allowed Nike to slap a Swoosh on the front of the team’s jerseys. I’m sure the fat check from Phil Knight made the logo a little easier to look at.

If you think I’m being too hard on Paterno, you may be right. (After all, I did refuse to speak Bud Selig’s name for 7 years after Inter-league Play.) I do think he’s a great coach and a great man. I just don’t think he’s a saint. I do think he is teaching his current team an incredible lesson. He’s also setting a great example for younger coaches. Too bad he missed trash day in ’86.

Carry on, Citizens!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Seventeen years, that’s as long as it’s been since Guns & Roses was relevant. What have they been doing?”

Well, according to this very informative article I read by Tara Burghart, Associated Press Citizen, they have been burrowing underground and sucking sap from tree roots. This has incredible implications as to the nature of their behavior once leaving the ground. As simply as I can describe it, they are going to behave like drunken, horny college students.

Take this quote for example, “Cicadas live only about 30 days as adults, and their main goal is mating.” Compare that to the average college student who actually only studies about 30 days and whose main goal in mating. And drinking. Or drinking while mating.

Tara goes on to tell us that, “They don’t harm humans, although they are clumsy and might fly into people.” Ironically, I was in college 17 years ago, and I most certainly was clumsy and flew in to people.

Tara then quotes Tom Tiddens from the Chicago Botanical Garden and Lawn Gnome Museum, “They’re going to have quite a meal. It’s going to be like Thanksgiving for them.”

This gave me the chills. What are billions of Cicadas going to do when they realize that after their “Thanksgiving” there is no football. Well, when the tryptophan wears off, they’re going to be pissed. That could spell doom for me and you.

But, being the civic minded crisis averter that I am, I called the home office of the Arena Football League to see if they would move a couple of games to a Thursday afternoon for the Cicada Thanksgiving. However, the AFL Commissioner responded to my query by saying, “How did you get my number?” Those wacky AFL executives! Always with the regulations and the restraining orders.

Anyway, the AFL is not going to stage a Thursday afternoon game. So, the citizens of the Midwest must fend of the Brood XIII themselves. Personally, I’m going to Omaha until it’s over.

Carry on, Citizens!

Mel won’t hesitate to tell you he’s an expert. Mel’s an expert on a game that, as far as anyone can tell, he never played. He’s an expert because he eats, sleeps, and drinks football. And because he’s mastered ridiculous cliches like “eats, sleeps, and drinks football.” I haven’t mastered ridiculous cliches. That’s why I’m not on ESPN talking about the draft.

So, it may be hypocritical for me (a non expert) to criticize like Mel (a cliche expert), but I’m going to do it anyway. First, let me say that “better and better” has certainly arrived in South Beach. For the uninitiated, “better and better” is the phrase IU fans had to endure during the Cam Cameron era. Or, as IU alums like to call it: the era when we sucked really bad. Cam was always saying that we were getting better and better. We weren’t. In fact, if it wasn’t for Antwaan Randle El, IU might have only one 2-3 games in the whole 5 years Cam was there. Anyway, Cam threw out conventional wisdom and took a receiver with a bad wing. Did I mention they REALLY needed a quarterback? By the way Dolphin fan, if he breaks out the all black uniforms you’re in for a really BAD day. He pulled that once at IU and Tim Couch (University of Kentucky) set a passing record against the Hoosiers that stands today. Rumor has it that Bob Knight called him immediately afterwords and said never do it again (with a lot more expletives to drive the point home).

As for the Browns, they made a solid pick early in the first round and then lost their minds drafting Brady Quinn with a trade up pick. Apparently Cleveland’s cable vendors don’t carry BCS bowl games. They do however carry NBC’s coverage of Notre Dame pounding the armed service academies which was how Quinn racked up such gaudy stats. Of course Jaba the Weiss says he’s going to make a fine NFL quarterback. And everybody loves to point out the Weiss coached Tom Brady. Less talked about is the fact that Charlie didn’t believe in Tom until AFTER Drew Bledsoe got hurt. Now Tom’s got 3 rings and Drew is the Wally Pipp of New England football.

As for my hometown Colts, I was surprised by the choice of a wide reciever for the first pick. However, I still have faith in Bill Pollian. He built a Super Bowl winner when “experts” like Mel Kiper were ridiculing his decisions. Maybe Bill should host the show…

Anyway, I want to leave you with a funny ode to the lousy picks and predictions of drafts past. All the players that Mel told you were future Hall of Famers are immortalized in this clip.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

Although he managed to conceal his illness, his recent work hinted that something was amiss. Particularly, he seemed to spend more time in his shell and less time looking for punctuation mistakes. Over the last few months, he would knock off early and head to Rock Bottom for a pint. (Sometimes before noon!)

He is survived by his brother Squirt and cousins Klondike and Sparco. They ask that no flowers be sent, but a donation in his name be made to The Salvation Army.

Carry on, Citizens!

Anyway, now that Hillary can “officially” be labeled a candidate, the media will begin beating the “first woman president” horse until it dies and heads to the glue factory. Hey, why not, the media is nearly wetting themselves with giddiness at the prospect of having either the first black president (Obama), first Hispanic president (Bill Richardson) or the first woman president (Hillary).

Breaking News: If Bill Richardson is elected, NBC has announced that Horatio Sanz will play the President.
So that got me thinking this morning, “why can’t we have an entire field of firsts?” Why couldn’t we have congress pass into law a decree that everyone in the next race must be the first “something” to be President if elected?

I think it has great possibilities. Consider these examples:

Comedian Doug Stanhope (Who really is running as a Libertarian) could be the first former Man Show host to become President!
Rosie O’Donnell could be the first Lesbian/Woman/American Catfight Host. That’s a “First” triple play! Joe Lieberman tried to become the first Jewish President. But what if Paula Abdul ran? She could be the first Female/Jewish/Former Laker Girl/Catatonic American Idol Host. That’s a “First” to the Fourth Power Candidate!
Let’s not forget the world of sports, however. Barry Bonds could be the first Bobble Head President. Mike Tyson could be the first cannibal President. Tiger Woods, as far as we can tell, could be the first President to get paid to drive a Buick.

Anyway, I think this election is going to be fun. There are so many characters running that I don’t think we’ll have a shortage of things to poke fun at, even if Al Gore doesn’t run.

Carry on, Citizens!

Sports Pundit Dufus of the week: ESPN’s Pat Forde actually said, “I don’t like the idea of putting the best team in America in double jeopardy against an opponent it already has beaten,” when talking about a potential Ohio State/Michigan match-up. Errr Pat… doesn’t that happen to an SEC or Big 12 team every couple of years? Someone explain to ESPN’s “college football expert” the concept of the conference championship. (See this week’s runner-up in the basketball section.)
Best bowl match-up: California vs. Texas A & M in the Holiday Bowl. And, I’m not just saying that because I will be there. Really, I’m not.

Team most surprised that they’re in a BCS Bowl: Wake Forest. Rumor has it they are changing the WF on their helmets to WTF?

Team we’re least surprised to be headed to a bowl despite the fact that they lost 2 games and were generally waxed by their ranked opponents AND needed a complete miracle to survive Michigan State: Notre Dame. Whew, I got that out of my system. I feel better now.

Lamest Prediction I made this season: Auburn vs. West Virgina for the National Championship. (Hey, at least I admit it. You don’t see Pat Forde owning up to Notre Dame in the National Championship, now do you?)

Best Predictions I made this season: Michigan over ND. USC over ND. UCLA over USC. That’s why you should listen to my podcast.

NFL
Manning Nightmare: Both Mannings watched their teams get beat by last minute field goals.

Chicago Nightmare: Has there ever been a quarterback with more wins in a season and so many people calling for his head than Rex Grossman?

Defensive Line Nightmare: LaDainian Tomlinson is the BEST running back in the NFL. And, he will win the Super Bowl MVP.

College Hoops

Defense? We don’t need no stinking defense! Division III Lincoln University scored 201 points against Ohio State-Marion on Saturday. I’m speechless. I’m without speech.

Sports Pundit Dufus Runner-Up: Sports Illustrated’s Grant Wahl finished a close second. Tony Delk on the first team All 1990′s team? Calbert Cheaney nowhere on the list? Are you kidding me? And just to show I’m not a total IU homer, I think it’s equally ridiculous that Glenn Robinson didn’t make the list. The Big Dog had 1700+ career points in only 2 years!

Carry on, Citizens!

TD: Rep. Foley, what do you plan to do now that your political career is over?

Foley: Well I would like to make the announcement right here that I’m going to become a rap artist.

TD: Err… did you say rap?

Foley: Yes. The rap world is looking for something fresh.

TD: How are you going to get any street cred as a rap artist?

Foley: I’ll be working with R. Kelly for my first album.

TD: R. Kelly?

Foley: Absolutely, I want to study this man up close. Hell, there’s way more evidence against him and yet Vibe, the American Music Awards, and MTV treat him like a God. Right now, I’m the devil and the only evidence is a few text messages. He’s on video tape for Pete’s sake and getting lifetime achievement awards. My peers aren’t lining up to give me awards!

TD: Only a few text messages? Dude, you’re as guilty as OJ.

Foley: Of course, but my point is so was this guy.

TD: So, it’s about learning from the master?

Foley: That’s right. I figure one album project with R (he let’s me call him his little “r”), and I’ll learn how to not only dodge the next round of accusations but wind up with a Grammy to boot.

TD: When did you first start admiring Kelly?

Foley: Most people believe it was when he released “Trapped in the Closet.” I did find it to be a metaphor for my life. But actually, I met him much earlier when he was a young mail stripper. It was actually me that gave him the idea to title Aaliyah’s album Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number. R thought it expressed his view of his 15 year old wife and as for me; well you know what I thought of those 15 year old pages.

TD: So what’s the first name of your first single?

Foley: I’m really excited to say that it’s called Text Appeal. Kelly and I are shooting the video at Disneyland.

TD: Please be kidding.

Foley: No, I’m not! It’s going to be that sort of playful sexy sensibility that Justin and Janet had at the Super Bowl. Only it will be R and I.

TD: Okay, I think I’m going to hurl. Somebody ask my producer if I can go back to sports coverage, because this guy is creeping me out!

Foley: Don’t be so closed minded. Roman Polanski is going to direct.

TD: That’s all for now folks. The earth is about to crash into the sun.

Carry on, Citizens!

It took 30 stitches to repair Gurode’s face. And that’s 30 good reasons not to show your face in Indy this weekend. I don’t know if you can travel with the team when you’re suspended, but let me be the first Hoosier to unwelcome you to the Circle City. Consider it an Unvitation.

If fans think I’m being too hard on this guy, consider his history of violence.

2006: Road rages a Tennessee woman. Good lawyer and insufficient evidence gets him off. For and extra fee, lawyer let Haynesworth smack him around to celebrate.
2003: He kicks punter Justin Hartwig, starting a team brawl in practice. Tried to pass it off as a male bonding moment.
2003: Suspended for 1 game for hitting Matt Martin. Used the “He looked like a defenseless kitten” excuse.
2000: At the University of Tennessee, returns to practice with a pole after a fight with a player. Coaches prevent him from using it to pummel his teammate. Spent the rest of the week sucking his thumb at practice.

Albert, I hope you take the five weeks off to get some anger management training. Of course it looks like you might be wearing an orange uniform soon because criminal charges could be filed.

And as for the NFLPA, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT APPEALING THIS! If you want to have any credibility with the fans and your sponsors, let the five game suspension stand. If you side with this guy, Arena football tickets are going to be a lot harder to get next season.

Carry on, Citizens!

Here’s the scenario: MLB goes into the final weekend of the regular season. In the National League, two races are undecided and the Wild Card is up for grabs. In the American League, all the playoff spots are set, but the Central is still undecided. The story lines are all there: Will the Twins complete their magical comeback? Will the Cardinals have the biggest collapse in baseball history? Will Philly take the NL wildcard? Are the Padres going to back-to-back playoffs for the first time in their history?

So, fast forward to Sunday at 6 PM. The Phillies have been eliminated, but the Padres and Dodgers are still playing. Does ESPN recognize that baseball fans want to know what’s going on? Maybe they would like cut-ins from all the relevant games? Or, maybe start baseball tonight at 5:30 so they can play up the drama? No, they showed Scrabble.

I know some ESPN exec will try to say that they had the Scrabble championship planned earlier, but that exec should be FIRED! What kind of knucklehead schedules Scrabble on the last day of baseball season. For that matter, what the hell is Scrabble doing on ESPN. You guys call yourselves the “worldwide leader in sports?” What’s next? Instead of Bowl Week coverage are you going to televise kids sledding in Central Park? Instead of Monday Night Football are you going to show people playing Solitaire in their offices?

ESPN yesterday was your lowest hour. You let the geeks run the network at the expense of REAL SPORTS PROGRAMMING!

If you want to redeem yourselves, make the person responsible go on Baseball Tonight and apologize to the nation. Then have him call me and apologize. Then make him renounce all televised board game programming. And finally, let Peter Gammons give him a noogie. He deserves it.

Carry on, Citizens!

Carry on, Citizens!

The Salvation Army’s work also continues in the Gulf Coast and in the countries impacted by the Tsunami. So please, stop by a Kettle this Christmas and give what you can.

Carry on, Citizens!

How could I forget a man in pink make-up, surrounded by a whole lot of other men in make-up, who had some sort of beef with Neidermeyer from Animal House around? It was delicious. I became a metal head that very day. My first concert, I’m simultaneously proud and embarrassed to say: Ratt with Bon Jovi. As I type, a single tear of joy rolls down my face.

Anyway, getting back to MTV, I just don’t like the programming today. Where are the great game shows like Remote Control? Where are the Saturday night concerts? And where the *#$! are Beavis and Butt-head?

Could the Real World be any less real? Cribbs? Please, Robin Leach beat that horse to death in the 90′s. Could I sound any more like an over the hill guy from the 80′s? Well, to regurgitate a catch phrase from the 80′s, “I want my MTV.”

Carry on, Citizens!

Anyway, there are some notable athletes on the list that don’t seem to belong. For example:

Carson Palmer was the highest paid football player last year. Not Mike Vick. Not Peyton Manning. Not Tom Brady. Carson Palmer of the Bungles is the highest paid football player and the 5th highest paid American athlete. I haven’t seen poor judgment like this since I chose “Things that Explode” on Jeopardy.

At numbers 7 and 8 are Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez. George Steinbrenner’s $55 million left side of the infield have yet to win a World Series together.

For reasons that I’m not remotely in tune with, tennis is considered by some to be a sport. Thus, Andre Agassi is at number 13. Shhh… he’s about to serve.

Allen Iverson may or may not deserve to be number 14. I’ll leave that up to you. But with $23 million a year coming in, he could get his @*% out of bed and go to practice.

Sitting at 16 is Chris Webber. The man who once complained that he couldn’t afford a Big Mac in college (even though he was taking $100K under the table from a booster) can now afford fries too. He took home $22 million plus last year. And, he will be the highest paid player in the league next year, proving that NBA owners love to pay through the nose for guys who NEVER win championships.

Of course, Anfernee Hardaway is the most breathtakingly overpaid athlete on the list. Coming in at number 36, I was stunned to learn he was still in the league. His whopping 72 minutes played last year earned him $16 million. I wonder how much Little Penny made.

Right behind him is Grant Hill. Hill as amassed a staggering 27 average games played the last 5 years but that didn’t keep Orlando from paying him $15 million. Orlando really is the Happiest Place On Earth or Tinkerbell is secretly moonlighting as GM for the Magic.

You can check out the rest of the list here. Someday I hope to be listed in the top 50. That’s assuming we can find a TV audience for my new professional Jarts league.

Carry on, Citizens!

So please, write your congressman or congresswoman or congress person of indeterminate gender and tell him/her/? to fight foreign meat ice cream. Remember, there should NEVER be turtle in your turtle sundae.

Carry on, Citizens!

Anyone up for a chicken smoothie?

Now we have to wait to see who his replacement will be. Pray it’s not Tim McCarver (I think I just threw up in my mouth.).

Carry on, Citizens.

Or, it was until Bud (el diablo) Selig decided to interrupt the game with a three hour tribute to Roberto Clemente. He went on so long that the beer vendors made last call. My question: Is there an award that Clemente hasn’t won yet?

I’m all for awarding greatness, but this was ridiculous. The knuckleheads in the MLB front office forgot there were pitchers whose arms don’t exactly respond well to prolonged game delays. Not surprisingly, both teams came back from the break with new pitchers.

Barry Zito was announced with the subsequent 5 minutes of trade rumors because Tim McCarver ran out of anything new to say somewhere around 2001.

During one of the commercial breaks, we were treated to the new movie, Snakes on A Plane. I imagine the pitch session that gave this gem the green light:

“Well, what projects do you have for us today?”

“l’ve got a screenplay for the movie version of Three’s Company.”

“And you?”

“I’ve got one for a remake of Beaches.”

“That’s crap. Anything else?”

“Well we could throw some snakes on a plane.”

“Brilliant, here’s a pile o’ cash. Get Samuel L. Jackson.”

What will they do for a sequel, Pigs in a Blanket?

Back to the game. Joe Buck just asked, “How good is Scott Kazmir?”

Gee, I don’t know Joe. I’d say he’s good enough to be ummm… an All Star?

I’m going to need to mute the TV now. Buck and McCarver are giving me a migraine.

Carry on, Citizens.

16 baseball games in 13 days. 1400 miles on my odometer. 8 schools and 1 champion. And of course, 7 Dead Flamingos.

One of the great rituals of the College World Series was started by Tailgating Professional, Mark Samstad. He and his friends have been tailgating in the same spot for 20 years. Each year, they plant 8 pink flamingos on a strip of grass in the south parking lot. Fans come by and decorate the flamingos with beads in their school colors. When the elimination rounds begin, a ceremony is held 30 minutes after the game. Fans gather for the funeral of their team’s flamingo. A short speech is made, beer is poured over the fallen fowl, and a black hood is placed over its head. Then it is moved to the “grave yard” and fans place flowers below it. This is done while a chorus of Kazoos play taps.

I had the pleasure of witnessing the flamingos and many other wonderful things at the College World Series in Omaha. Much thanks to Marge and Larry Kirkpatrick for their hospitality and to the NCAA for allowing me access in order to get background for my next book.

The College World Series is without a doubt, the greatest sporting event I’ve ever witnessed. 8 schools play their hearts out over a two week period. And in the end, fans are left with 1 National Champion and 7 Dead Flamingos.

5. Televised Poker. Only in America could you actually walk into a network executive’s office and say, “I think we should develop a show around people playing cards.” Even more astonishing, that executive green lights the show, advertisers by time, and people tune in to watch other people playing cards! I am convinced that televised poker has opened the door to an entire new genre of televised games. I’m going to pitch to NBC my idea for a televised Paper Football league.

4. Americans marry people. With all the attention gay marriage has gotten lately, it’s been easy to miss the rise in human/reptile marriages in other countries. Just a few weeks ago, a woman in India married a cobra. PLEASE follow the link if you think I’m making this up! As a rule, American women don’t marry cobras. Insert your own “I married a ________” joke here. Of course, I have considered that India might be a good place for me to find a wife since the bar has been set so low in that country…

3. American Karaoke. Technically, we stole this idea from the British (as well as most of our sitcoms), but American Idol is the most popular show in the world. Why, I have no idea. But what I do know is that American Idol appearances resulted in record contracts for Kelly Clarkson AND William Hung! That’s like saying the worst team in football and the winners of the Super Bowl will BOTH get championship rings. And that, my friends, makes me want to paint myself Red, White, and Blue.

2. Baseball. I know people around the world are gearing up for the World Cup kickball championships, but I believe baseball is the greatest sport ever.

1. The Go Tart. Only the Greatest Country in the World could invent the Go Tart. The Go Tart is a candy bar size Pop Tart. When you don’t have the time or the toaster, reach for a Go Tart. I thought that the Pop Tart was the culinary masterpiece of American ingenuity. But, we’ve taken it one step further. That’s what Americans do. That’s what makes us great. Now if we can just invent the Go Hot Pocket…

Carry on, Citizens!

Check out their website here.

Carry on, Citizens!

So, I’ve hatched a scheme to get blurbs. Or to put it more accurately, to NOT get blurbs. It occurred to me that it would be much easier to get celebrities to NOT read Trolley Dodgers. With that in mind, I would like to start contacting celebrities and ask them to give a brief statement on their official letterhead that goes something like this:

“As the former President of the United States, I have neither the time nor the desire to read Trolley Dodgers. Sincerely, William Jefferson Clinton, former President of the United States of America. PS, I can’t wait until Kansaska is released so I can NOT read it.”

But, it’s going to take a lot of time and effort. And quite frankly, the very thought of it makes me sleepy. So, if there are any loyal readers who want to send out letters for me, contact me soon! I’d be happy to set you up with a letter template, paper, envelopes, stamps, and grain alcohol. You would only have to find the contact info, print the letters, and send them out. When/if anybody responds, we’ll set up an Anti-Blurb gallery on this website.

Carry on, Citizens!

I guess I figured there were three ways this could turn out:

1) The NSA could start investigating me, thus buying multiple copies of Trolley Dodgers to see if I was up to anything nefarious. (middle east)

2) I could wake up one day in the fetal position on the floor of a Gitmo jail cell -lying in a puddle of my own blood and urine with a snot bubble coming out of my nose. All around me would be shredded copies of Trolley Dodgers and the charred remains of Kansaska because the government thought it was too subversive for the general public (including much of Oklahoma) to read. (Bagdad)
3) I would be totally ignored by the NSA. (“Blaine is the stool capital of the world.”)

But, I’m not ready to give up. That’s why I need you, the readers of this blog to help me out. So, write to the NSA. Tell them to buy multiple copies of Trolley Dodgers and make sure there is no cryptic message on page 42. (“If you punched a hole in them, then you’d have a good time.”) Here is their email address: nsapao@nsa.gov.

While you’re at it, cc the CIA, the FBI, Homeland Security, President Bush, and Clara Peller if you can find her.

Please, help me realize my goal of having the U.S. government by thousands of copies of Trolley Dodgers (because the general public is sure as hell not going to do it.)

Carry on, Citizens!

Dear NSA,

1) Where is my San Diego Padres T-shirt? You know the one; it’s got Tony Gwynn’s name and number on the back.

2) I’m missing the Black and White CD by the BoDeans too.

3) Since you can monitor our cell phone calls too… did I really have all those roaming minutes in Toronto or is Cingular trying to ram me?

4) Surely you have some info on Barry and his ‘roids! Can’t you expose the greatest cheater in history?

5) Did Pete Rose bet on baseball?

6) Remember, Alice from IU? I had a huge crush on her. Where is she at now?

7) Can you put subliminal messages into Hollywood producers’ phone calls and emails that will cause them to green light Trolley Dodgers?

Anything you can do on the above list would be greatly appreciated. In order to make sure you read this, I’ve included a series of key words that will make sure your censors read this blog: terrorists, Bin Laden, goat’s milk, Middle East, Iraq, Elmer Fudd, nuclear, chutes and ladders, plot, conspiracy, and Cartman.

By the way, the book Trolley Dodgers may or may not contain references to subversive plots, mind control, and the eating of bagels. It also may or may not contain things that explode, political satire, and the words “middle” and “east,” although not necessarily next to each other. IT WOULD BE IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF NATIONAL SECURITY IF THE NSA WOULD PURCHASE 1,000 OR SO COPIES IN ORDER TO HAVE THEIR CRACK TEAM OF CODE BREAKERS AND SECURITY EXPERTS EVALUATE IT AS A POTENTIAL THREAT TO THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE. (We’ll even give you a bulk discount.)

So you see, NSA, I’m patriotic enough to invite you to scrutinize my writing (for $13.95 per copy, less if you buy on Amazon) in order to ensure that I am not a threat to America. That’s the kind of civic minded person I am.

Carry on, Citizens!

They used to be good. They used to be hilarious. Now, well now it’s turned into this. Does anybody remember when Keith Olberman and Craig Kilborn ruled Sports Center? Long before Olberman was political truth pimp for MSNBC and long before Kilborn was on late night or even before originally hosting the Daily Show, they were a team on Sports Center. They were funny. They were intelligent. They spoke English!! Stuart Scott and Alex Van Pelt are so bad and so desparate to sound young and hip that we’re going to need subtitles soon. Here’s that link again. It’s an actual transript from the show. It would be funny if it were satire, but this is real!

College Football Update: The President of the University of Georgia wants CBS to refrain from using the “Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” when refering to the annual Florida/Georgia game. “We have requested they not use that nomenclature,” said President Michael Adams. We’ve requested that President Adams not use the word “nomenclature” again. It reminds us of an unsavory incedent in high school English.

Doug Flutie retired. Flutie has been on my all-time reviled list since that garbabe pass against the Hurricanes in 1984. It still makes me weep.

??What about that second baseman? Curious looking fellow. He has a huge head.??

??Who, Sweets? No, that’s just a trick of the sunlight. If he played shortstop, his head would be as small as yours.??

Somewhere between the scrolling ads for Starbuck’s and Blue Jay’s tickets, somebody slid in a not-so-nice message about the Canadian Prime Minister on Toronto area commuter trains this week. The ever polite Canadian authorities called it “Electronic Vandalism.” They went on to say, “We assume it was a hacker.”

Really? A hacker? Until they cleared that up, I was certain that a wave of Anti-Baby eating protests were going to sweep across Canada. I can see the ad campaign now:

“The employees of GO Transit are united in our belief that the Prime Minister should stop eating babies. Despite the fact that Toronto is the most diverse city in North America and have at times been known to tolerate just about anything, we believe that baby consumption is a little over the line. So please, join us in our effort to keep babies off the menu at the Prime Minister’s mansion.”

Followed by the Prime Minister’s response:

“Good evening. As the Prime Minister of Canada, I want to assure the public that I do not if fact eat babies. I have never eaten babies at any time in my political career. I did have the veal at the Westin Harbor Castle, but that was only once and it was a fundraising dinner. Besides, I only chewed the veal. I didn’t swallow. My opponent swallowed the veal. In fact, he’s been chewing and swallowing veal his entire career. He’s also been known to swallow…”

And so on. Of course, whether or not the Prime Minister of Canada is eating babies is really none of our concern. We have MUCH BIGGER PROBLEMS IN AMERICA: ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION OF ELECTRONIC VANDALS FROM CANADA!
Yes folks, while the rest of the country is focused on our Spanish speaking friends crossing the southern border, I’m the only one sounding the alarm about Canadian Electronic Vandals. Everyday, another EV crosses our borders with the intent to DESTROY OUR WAY OF LIFE via unauthorized tampering with scrolling marquees. Someday soon, you will be on your way to work and see a sign that says, “Tom DeLay Eats Live Roosters!” Or it might say, “Michael Moore Has Man Love For Newt Gingrich.” There’s no telling how far they will go. Beware of the Maple Leaf Menace!!

Carry on, Citizens!

A Portland Oregon Man has confirmed what women have suspected for centuries: Men are thick headed. An unidentified man (for reasons that will soon be obvious) survived shooting 12 nails into his head. He was suicidal and high on meth when he decided a good way to die would be to fire nails into his skull. (Makes you wonder how he would build a shelf.)

Dr. G. Alexander West, showing the kind of clinical detachment you would expect from a guy with ??G.?? in front of his name, said ??No one before is known to have survived after intentionally firing so many foreign objects into the head.??

What kind of irresponsible doctor is G. Alexander West? Doesn??t G. Alexander know that by making this sort of subtle challenge to all of Guydom, that men all over America will be firing foreign objects into their heads in order to break the record? Right now at a university near you, Frat guys with a beer bong and a staple guy shouting ??thirteen, thirteen, thirteen.??

There??s a construction site after 4pm littered with beer cans. The foreman is passed out in a puddle of his own puke and the framers are trying to figure out where they can shoot 14 nails and still get paid next Friday.

Oh, G. Alexander, you??re a wicked, wicked man. Now, I have to find my stapler.

Carry on, Citizens!

Someone might want to point out to him that Paris starred in a TV show that ridiculed the poor and working class for a couple of years on the Fox Network. She’s also the star of her own sex tape. Those qualifications, along with her stellar performances in The Cat in the Hat and House of Wax make her the perfect person to play the woman who once said:

A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace.

Maybe we can get David Duke to portray Abe Lincoln.

Carry on, Citizens!

A CBS spokesman reports, “Our biggest concern in hiring Katie was her ability to fit in. We pride ourselves in forging documents and creating fake news. Katie has enrolled in Creative Writing 101 at SUNY. We’re confident she’ll be ready to start faking news the moment she gets here.”

CBS news veterans report they are a little hesitant to share the office with someone that hides nuts around the building, but they plan to welcome her with open arms anyway.

In a related story, the Anti-Defamation League of Professional Squirrels and the Central Park Squirrel Resident Association have pledged to hold the first annual Katie Couric Festival in Central Park. Park officials couldn’t be reached for comment.

Watching Katie Couric pretend to be a journalist has been entertaining over the years. It’s a lot like watching National Geographic:

Today we will be observing the North American Chatty Fluff Squirrel in her natural environment. The Chatty Fluff Squirrel will put on glasses whenever she interviews a political figure or an activist so she can seem intelligent. Notice the softball questions she lobs at people she likes. Brilliant. Now, see her change from Prada to Old Navy so she can go talk to the “common” folks with the signs outside her lair. What an amazing species!

If this report had come out 3 days ago, I could have had a good laugh and went about my life. But all indications point to this happening soon. So, within the world of news, the earth is about to crash into the sun.

Journalism is dead.

Carry on, Citizens!

Barry, in 50 years you’ll be a footnote. You’ll always be the guy who didn’t have a shoe contract because you thought you should be paid more than Michael Jordan. (I laughed out loud just typing it.) You’ll always be remembered in Arizona for taunting and walking away from the kid who wanted his baseball signed. And finally, you’ll be remembered for about 300 home runs as a human and another 400 as a science project.

And the Babe will still be the greatest player that ever lived. You however, will be the biggest horse’s backside that ever played the game. Which is a fitting title, since most of your steroids came from horses.

Carry on, Citizens!

So, here are the winners in the NAME THE TEAM contest:

Parallel Lions by Amanda Groce

Moonlight Sonatas by Delana Bradbury

Geneva Gnomes by Linda Wright

McPherson Marauders by Julie.

Beaver City Fur Traders by Mark Jenkins AND Beavers by Gene from Hometown Tales. You’ll just have to buy the book to see how that’s going to work out.

Red Cloud Arrowheads by Marge Kirkpatrick

Minden Applepickers by Erin

Fairbury Gravediggers by Justin Bessler

Vesper Turkey Vultures by Jarrod Harvey

Thanks to all our judges. For all the winners, please email me your t-shirt size. (jeff@trolleydodgers.com) Look for logos for all the teams to be posted soon!

Carry on, Citizens!

The Vogue in Broadripple tonight. I’ll be there with all the “Freddies.”

John Pouch was the owner of Yanko’s Little Zagreb. If you’ve been there, you know. Your mouth is watering while the tears are coming to your eyes. Yanko’s is a Bloomington tradition. You can have Ruth’s Cris and all the other chain steakhouses. I’ll take Yanko’s. Yanko’s is the place to see athletes and celebrities. Billy Joel once had a limo take him from Indy to Bloomington just to eat at Little John’s –the Yugoslavian translation of Yanko’s. It’s where you could find the ESPN announcers before an IU home game. It’s where people got engaged and deals where made.

I used Yanko’s for one of the scenes in my first novel. How could I write a book about Bloomington and not mention it? I know people who would drive and hour and a half just to have the Meatballs Budapest.

The Yanko’s family has vowed to go on. They will reopen this Thursday. But Little John won’t be there. In the words of Forrest Gump, “that’s all I have to say about that.”

Carry on, Citizens!

Today, I’m celebrating the accomplishments of William Howard Taft, pound for pound the largest American President. Taft was so big, he used a bath tub that would fit four normal sized men. As far as I can tell, that was about the highlight of his career.

If you’re still trying to decide which President to honor today, here’s a list of possibilities that are more fun than the usual guys (Washington, Lincoln, and Martin Sheen).

Millard Filmore: When the White House cook couldn’t figure out how to use the new stove, Filmore went to the U.S. Patent Office to read the instructions. In 1856, he accepted the nomination of the Know Nothing Party. Ironically, today we have two of those.

John Tyler: He was playing marbles when he found out he had become President. (Really, look it up.) He holds the record for fathering the most children by a President (15).

William Henry Harrison: He is the only President whose inauguration speech lasted longer than his presidency. His speech was the longest in history and his time in office was the shortest.

James Madison: His last words have been repeated on college campuses by guys ever since, “I always talk better lying down.” He once proposed that we rent Portugal’s navy.

Herbert Hoover: Hoover had the only non white Vice President in history. (Charles Curtis was Kaw Indian.) Let his son’s 2 pet alligators rome the White House. The Hoover insisted that servents in the White House be invisible.

Richard Milhous Nixon: Had the balls to tell people his middle name was Milhous. That alone should have earned him a pardon. He financed his first congressional run from poker winnings. (Really)

William McKinley: Teddy Roosevelt once called him a “White-livered cur.” Why don’t we talk like that anymore?

So, pick a President and celebrate today. And if someone doesn’t like your choice in presidents, call them a white-livered cur. Whatever that is…

Carry on, Citizens!