“Hold my hand.” ~Hootie and the Blowfish

“Just as soon as you’ve washed yours.” ~ Jeff

Hootie and the Blowfish wrote the quintessential hand holding song in the Mid 90’s. I’m sure if they were writing it today, they might want to change the lyrics. According to a University of Colorado study, women have more bacteria on their hands than men.

According to Noah Fierer, an assistant professor in Colorado’s department of ecology and evolutionary biology, “The sheer number of bacteria species detected on the hands of the study participants was a big surprise, and so was the greater diversity of bacteria we found on the hands of women.”

Other findings in the study:

• Women have less acidity in their hands than men.
• Women have more bacteria under their skin than men.
• The average hand has 150 types of bacteria.
• Less than 17% of the bacteria were common on both hands.

Truly the most disturbing part of the article was this quote from Rob Knight, co-author of the project who was asked if guys should worry about holding hands with girls: “I guess it depends on which girl.”

Dude!! I don’t need that kind of pressure! Dating is hard enough as it is without having to carry a black light with me just to see if I can hold hands! I really hope whichever candidate wins tomorrow has a plan to end funding for studies like this. I would prefer not to worry about this kind of stuff. It’s bad enough wondering whether or not your date is going to turn out to be Glenn Close!

Carry on, Citizens!

In any other year, I would have plenty of distractions after the baseball season ends. College football, NFL, the start of basketball season were trusted friends to get me to Spring Training. This year not so much. IU football fell back off down to the bottom of the Big Ten. The Colts don’t look anything like the team that went to the Super Bowl just 2 years ago.

And speaking of unrecognizable, which team’s fans are going to need a program more, the Pacers or IU Basketball?  I’m excited about Tom Crean taking over in Bloomington, but this squad (and the Pacers) remind me of the Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League.

So, this is probably going to be a more productive writing fall/winter for me. If you enjoyed my 1st two novels, that’s probably a good thing. If not, I apologize in advance for the fiction that is about to be wrought upon this earth.

Today’s question: which band does PETA hate more: Meatloaf or Smashing Pumpkins?

Carry on, Citizens!

As promised yesterday, here is the excerpt from Bart Giammati:

“It breaks your heart.  It is designed to break your heart.  The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.”

~ from The Green Fields of the Mind

by A. Bartlett Giammati

Update:  Ryan from Fast Company has assured me that copies of the 2 magazines are on the way. Thanks to Fast Company for responding to this issue and taking care of it!  Like Brian’s comment said, this is how companies should react to complaints. Transparency, action, and sincerity.

Fast Company is the magazine “where ideas and people meet.” Apparently, the Company doesn’t meet with the people very Fast. On September 23rd, I subscribed to Fast Company. While ordering online, they even convinced me to sign up for Inc. magazine as well for “only 9.99 more!” I should have known it was too good to be true.

As of today, I have yet to see one copy of either magazine. I’m sure they would say that their fine print (which I didn’t read) says that I should expect 4-6 weeks for delivery. But here’s where it gets interesting: I’ve received 3 solicitations from them asking me to extend my subscription!  That’s right, their computers have sent me 3 pieces of junk mail and absolutely NO copies of either magazine! That’s Fast, but it’s not my kind of Company!

It’s kind of sad that a magazine that is about what’s next, what’s new, and what’s cutting edge is still using 90’s direct mail techniques. Oh well, I like to read so I guess I’ll put up with it. I’ll just write a new name on the cover of the magazine when it arrives:  Slower-Than-An-Arthritic-Turtle-Swimming-Upstream-In-A River-of-Frozen-Molasses Company.

Carry on, Citizens!

Why? That’s about all I can muster after this story broke. A North Carolina high school student has legally changed her name to cutoutdissection.com. It seems that the former Jennifer has issues with animal dissection in science class. I suppose I can respect that, but changing your name to a web address?  Isn’t that a little extreme?

After thinking about the long-term ramifications of her decision, I’ve come up with some other domain names she should snap up quickly and redirect to herself:

IAmTotallyUnDateable.com

MyJobProspectsJustEvaporated.net

WhyDontIGetInvitedToParties.org

HaventLaughedInSixYears.com

IHopePetaHasAHealthPlan.org

Feel free to add some of your ideas!

Carry on, Citizens!

Neiman Marcus has released it’s annual Holiday Catalogue and I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask each of you Citizens to send me $20.  Or, go buy a dozen copies of one of my novels. However you want to do it, I don’t care. Just help me realize my dream of seeing myself as a life size Lego statue.

If you don’t want to help me, you can help the less fortunate by purchasing the Dallas Cowboys endzone which is in the catalog for $500,000.  Proceeds go to the Salvation Army. There is also a $250K authentic Guinness pub.

But forget the pub. Let’s build a Lego Jeff!

Carry on, Citizens!

I wish I had some juicy stories for you about my first experience as a juror, but fate wouldn’t have it. After 2 1/2 hours of sitting around in a large auditorium with nothing to do, we were all dismissed. Only 2 cases were on the docket today and both defendents plea bargained. That was my first experience with the judicial system -a dud.

I was hoping to at least come out with some material I could use in a future book or short story.  It didn’t happen. Oh well, I managed to go to the Pacers game tonight where they held a throwback game to benefit the Salvation Army and a few other charities. There were many good stories at that event…

But, I’m going to leave you hanging until for a little while on that.  If you’re following me on Twitter, look for some special freebies next week after Brian the COC web pilot gets back from vacation or wherever he’s at this week.

Carry on, Citizens!

I love the movie Princess Bride. One of my favorite scenes is when they take Wesley to Miracle Max. Max tells Inigo and Fezzic that Westley is “mostly” dead.

For some people, Elvis has only been “mostly” dead. There is a segment of our population (a rather trailer park intensive segment) that believe Elvis never died. In fact, they are so adamant about this that there is a whole museum dedicated to this theory. Or, at least there was.

The Elvis is Alive Museum in Wright City, MO is closing. After two attempts to sell it on Ebay, owner Andy Key is throwing in the towel. Along with the sequined jumpsuit. It seems he can’t keep it running. He also seems to have made a bad investment in the Elvis is Alive industry. He payed $8,000 for the museum on Ebay last year. That made me wonder if I could sell a Jeff is Alive museum. In this economy, it would be easier than selling my house.

Carry on, Citizens!

I saw the most curious google ad today when I was checking gmail. I don’t normally click on the sidebar ads, but this one had me fascinated. I even cut and pasted it for you:

When I was in college, a tankable druid was a hippie chick that was easy to get drunk. So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw one for sale. How could this be? I had to click and find out what this was all about. (more…)

Today’s post is a follow-up to our story from March 4, 2008. In that post, we reported on the retirement of Nepal’s Living Goddess (she was 11).  Apparently, the career of a living deity is pretty brief in Nepal (think dog years).

So today, the government declared a new Living Goddess. The new Maoist government sidestepped 239 years of silly -err I mean serious tradition by naming the Kumari instead of letting the high priest of the monarchy do it. Government apologists might argue that there technically is no monarchy anymore, but I think that’s splitting hairs. I think it’s a dangerous thing when the government gets to choose the goddess. Just think if that happened in America?  During the Clinton administration, we might have had Barbara Streisand as our goddess! That just wouldn’t have been good for ANYBODY!

I think my choice of American Goddess would depend on the decade. In the eighties, I would have voted for Martha Quinn. In the 90’s, probably Heidi Klum or Sandra Bullock. Early part of this decade, Scarlett Johansson. Now that I’m 40, it’s back to Martha Quinn!

Carry on, Citizens!  (and L’Shana Tova!)

The Rays won the AL East.

Ball State is 4-0 in football.

McCain & Obama are our choices for President.

Brett Favre is a Jet.

The Bills, Titans, and Broncos are undefeated.

Nearly 60,000 people have voted for Jeff to be Emperor instead of McCain/Obama for President.

Carry on, Citizens!