Dear Citizens,
It has recently come to my attention that there are millions of out of work Citizens in America. And due to the clever leadership offered by Democrats and Republicans in Washington, this situation does not appear to be changing anytime soon. If fact, it we may never see leadership out of Democrats and Republicans. But, the job situation is about to change. Sort of.

You’ve probably heard about the recent findings that vitamins C and E don’t prevent prostate or other types of cancer. The vitamin peddling world is reeling from the potential financial fallout and many people who trusted vitamins are left wondering just what can protect them from disease. Well citizens, take heart. For we here at CarryOnCitizens.com have been conducting some of our own research. And, we’re pleased to announce our findings which can be summed up in one word: pudding.
That’s right folks, the Citizens Research Institute (Motto: Manipulating the Data …

The Chinese government blasted the new Guns N Roses album, calling it “an attack on the Chinese nation” according to the AP. Gee, I thought it was just an attack on the ears. Axl, really?  It took you 14 years to release that mess? Luckily, I was able to preview it without buying it. If I had purchased it, I would have taped over the hole and used it as a coaster.
I haven’t been this disappointed in an album since Van Halen III. Industry experts say that Chinese Democracy by …

“Hold my hand.” ~Hootie and the Blowfish
“Just as soon as you’ve washed yours.” ~ Jeff
Hootie and the Blowfish wrote the quintessential hand holding song in the Mid 90′s. I’m sure if they were writing it today, they might want to change the lyrics. According to a University of Colorado study, women have more bacteria on their hands than men.
According to Noah Fierer, an assistant professor in Colorado’s department of ecology and evolutionary biology, “The sheer number of bacteria species detected on the hands of the study participants was a big …

In any other year, I would have plenty of distractions after the baseball season ends. College football, NFL, the start of basketball season were trusted friends to get me to Spring Training. This year not so much. IU football fell back off down to the bottom of the Big Ten. The Colts don’t look anything like the team that went to the Super Bowl just 2 years ago.
And speaking of unrecognizable, which team’s fans are going to need a program more, the Pacers or IU Basketball?  I’m excited about Tom …

Update:  Ryan from Fast Company has assured me that copies of the 2 magazines are on the way. Thanks to Fast Company for responding to this issue and taking care of it!  Like Brian’s comment said, this is how companies should react to complaints. Transparency, action, and sincerity.
Fast Company is the magazine “where ideas and people meet.” Apparently, the Company doesn’t meet with the people very Fast. On September 23rd, I subscribed to Fast Company. While ordering online, they even convinced me to sign up for Inc. magazine as well …

Why? That’s about all I can muster after this story broke. A North Carolina high school student has legally changed her name to cutoutdissection.com. It seems that the former Jennifer has issues with animal dissection in science class. I suppose I can respect that, but changing your name to a web address?  Isn’t that a little extreme?
After thinking about the long-term ramifications of her decision, I’ve come up with some other domain names she should snap up quickly and redirect to herself:
IAmTotallyUnDateable.com
MyJobProspectsJustEvaporated.net
WhyDontIGetInvitedToParties.org
HaventLaughedInSixYears.com
IHopePetaHasAHealthPlan.org
Feel free to add some of your ideas!
Carry on, …

Neiman Marcus has released it’s annual Holiday Catalogue and I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask each of you Citizens to send me $20.  Or, go buy a dozen copies of one of my novels. However you want to do it, I don’t care. Just help me realize my dream of seeing myself as a life size Lego statue.
If you don’t want to help me, you can help the less fortunate by purchasing the Dallas Cowboys endzone which is in the catalog for $500,000.  Proceeds go to the Salvation …

I wish I had some juicy stories for you about my first experience as a juror, but fate wouldn’t have it. After 2 1/2 hours of sitting around in a large auditorium with nothing to do, we were all dismissed. Only 2 cases were on the docket today and both defendents plea bargained. That was my first experience with the judicial system -a dud.
I was hoping to at least come out with some material I could use in a future book or short story.  It didn’t happen. Oh well, I …

I love the movie Princess Bride. One of my favorite scenes is when they take Wesley to Miracle Max. Max tells Inigo and Fezzic that Westley is “mostly” dead.

For some people, Elvis has only been “mostly” dead. There is a segment of our population (a rather trailer park intensive segment) that believe Elvis never died. In fact, they are so adamant about this that there is a whole museum dedicated to this theory. Or, at least there was.
The Elvis is Alive Museum in Wright City, MO is closing. After two …