Drastic times call for drastic measures. And apparently, it calls for stealing urine. It seems pee is a hot commodity in Utah. Thieves broke into the Bear River Health Dept. in Logan, Utah and stole 17 urine samples. That’s it. Nothing else. They just took the pee.
There are so many questions swirling down the toilet of my brain right now. Why steal something you can pretty much make anytime during the day? How much does pee fetch on the black market? What does one do with stolen pee?
I hope the …

… when you’re under the influence of cold medicine.

I have a solution to the global warming debate. Let’s stop fighting over whether or not it’s real, and start doing all we can to turn the entire world into the climate of San Diego.
The NFL Today “experts” predicted 2 weeks ago that Indianapolis would not make the Super Bowl. 2 of them predicted that Pittsburgh would. The Colts are 12-0 and the Steelers are 6-6 and have lost 4 in a row. Dear CBS, you could pay me 25% of what …

I was at a gathering a few weeks back and my friend Jaimie shared a story with our table. As she weaved the tale, she tried to explain the relationship of a certain person to the main character of the story. The relationship: it was the baby daddy’s mama’s lesbian girlfriend. I have no idea how the story ended. For all I know, the baby daddy found a golden raisin in a scone he bought at Starbucks and was able to send his mother and her partner to Massachusetts to …

It’s all about the money folks. If you’re an Obama hater, you have something to look forward to. If you’re an Obama supporter, enjoy the ride while it lasts and take heart that I’m sure he will anoint a successor. So, why is the “One” going to be One and Done?  Simple: Obama isn’t prospering under the Obama Administration.
Believe it or not, Obama is already missing the days of George Bush.  Okay, maybe you and I didn’t prosper under GWB, but he sure did. In Bill Clinton’s last year in …

Experts were stunned today when the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction went to Jeff Stanger for a novel that has yet to be released. “We just know this is going to be a stellar novel,” said Pulitzer officials. “He’s given us all hope that real change has come to the world of fiction. We believe that his next book will move us beyond the tired old world of Grisham, Rowling, and those ridiculous vampire books. The world is ready for novels that expose the plight of the Brooklyn Dodgers Liberation Front. …

Occasionally, I get a comment or question that needs more than just a quick response. Yesterday, just such a comment came from Outstanding Citizen Mark. Mark wrote the following:
Hello,
Weird request – do you have the lyrics to the last part of “Fanny Shake Polka” – I could never quite get what he sings after, “I took my Fanny to the airport, to give her a thrill. She knew the pilot(?) ???? and(?) ????, -the part’s going still-(?)… When you..???”
Any help appreciated, this has been driving me nuts for about 30 years.
Thanks,
-Mark

Looks like McCurry has won its legal battle with McDonald’s. I wonder what the toy is in a Fish Head Curry Happy Meal?
Carry on, Citizens!

It’s the 6th annual Apple Fest.  Live music, food, prizes and more!
Carry on, Citizens!

Dear American Citizen,
Thank you for visiting your Government approved health care provider last summer. We’re pleased to announce that after much deliberation, our panel of experts has determined you may have contracted one of the following afflictions:
a) Lou Gehrig’s disease
b) Male pattern baldness
c) Coulrophobia
d) Mopery

The first public meeting for potential shareholders took place at the Monroe County Convention Center, just a few blocks south of the downtown square. Roughly three hundred people showed up, many dressed in Dodger blue and carrying signs.