Dear Citizens,
It has recently come to my attention that there are millions of out of work Citizens in America. And due to the clever leadership offered by Democrats and Republicans in Washington, this situation does not appear to be changing anytime soon. If fact, it we may never see leadership out of Democrats and Republicans. But, the job situation is about to change. Sort of.

Who are the most optimistic fans in the world? Cubs fans? They do seem to hang in there year after year, despite not winning a championship in 102 years.  To put that into perspective, the following did not exist the last time the Cubs won: the NFL, the NBA, Al Gore, the Internet, television, and iTunes (the Rolling Stones, however, did exist.).

There are 292 messages in my Spam folder tonight. They range from the absurd to the offensive (not unlike Helen Thomas), but they have one thing in common: all have some of the worst headline writing of all-time! Whether it’s incoherent gibberish or just horrible grammar, spam is the train wreck of the written word. I’m horrified, but I can’t look away.
So, here is a sampling of today’s spam:

Interesting things happen when you get your haircut. Sara cut my hair today. Then she showed me a video of her husband’s bird dancing while he performed an original rap tune. I encouraged her to put it on YouTube -not necessarily for the artistic quality as much as the novelty of a bird grooving to a wannabe Eminem.  This isn’t the first peculiar thing I’ve experienced at this particular place of business. And that’s why I keep going back. Somewhere between the magazines and the shampoo, a story will unfold.

Baseball has its rituals and traditions. Some are well known -the seventh inning stretch and singing “Take Me Out To the Ballgame.” Less well known is the sacrificing of children to the 19th Century pagan diety Souvenirous.  Scholars disagree on the origin of Souvenirous, but archaeologists have found the earliest signs of Souvenirous worship at digs near Cincinnati. This seems like a logical origin of the cult, as Cincinnati does have the oldest professional baseball team.

For too many years (37), the sports of the carnival worker have been ignored by the Olympic Committee. We think that’s a shame, because skee ball would make a fantastic addition to the Winter Olympics.
Skee Ball has been around since 1909. It was invented by J.D. Estes of Philadelphia as way to get his kids to clean up their rooms. They would throw their toys in the holes and earn points. If they earned enough points, Estes would buy them new toys, as the tossing them into the skee ball …

Now that the Olympics are in full swing, it’s time to reflect on all the “sports” that do and don’t get included. Curiously, perfectly normal sports like football and baseball are out. Yet, the Winter Olympics will give us something called “luge.” Luge looks a lot like high speed sledding to me. I’m not sure why they had to give it a name that seems to be a derivative of phlegm. But, I wasn’t consulted.
The Olympics also have a sport called “curling.” Curling was invented by 2 Canadian third shift …

As we countdown to kickoff of the Colts/Saints Super Bowl, I thought this might be a good time to reflect on those great moments in Super Bowl History. I’m not talking about touchdowns or interceptions or any of that stuff. I’m referring to the great moments that we all share while watching the game. And believe me, there are many more great moments watching the game. It’s a simple mathematical reality. There are only about 100 guys with uniforms on who could conceivably play but there are over 100 million …

I could have done a 2009 Year In Review post, but that would have required me to actually do research and this is, in fact, a holiday. Besides, I was out until 3am ringing in the New Year with a screening of Inglorious Basterds (“Frankly, watchin’ Donny beat Nazis to death is is the closest we ever get to goin’ to the movies.”~Lt. Aldo Raine). It was an odd way of finishing off 2009, but it was an odd year.
Anyway, as I did in 2008, I wanted to be the …

Drastic times call for drastic measures. And apparently, it calls for stealing urine. It seems pee is a hot commodity in Utah. Thieves broke into the Bear River Health Dept. in Logan, Utah and stole 17 urine samples. That’s it. Nothing else. They just took the pee.
There are so many questions swirling down the toilet of my brain right now. Why steal something you can pretty much make anytime during the day? How much does pee fetch on the black market? What does one do with stolen pee?
I hope the …