It has come to my attention that you have been spying on pretty much everybody. This letter is not to quarrel over whether or not you should be doing that because I have a feeling my thoughts on the issue wouldn’t matter to you anyway. I do, however, have some questions that I would like you to answer. I feel that bringing these questions to you is warranted as A) you collect info on everyone and everything, and B) I’m pretty sure that about $75 of your $10.8 billion budget came from taxes I paid. So, I would like to get my money’s worth at $15/question.
1) Years ago I saw a Otis Day & The Knights concert t-shirt from the Dexter Lake Club in the movie Animal House. I can’t find it anymore. Can you track one down for me? You certainly know who might have purchased one in an XXL. I’m happy to buy a used one.
2) I’ve always suspected that the lead singer for the 70’s rock band Molly Hatchet and the voice behind the cartoon character Dudley Do Right are the same person. Can you confirm?
3) I’ve written extensively about my theory that Egg Nog is really vanilla flavored squirrel vomit. Will you confirm my theory and help shed light on this conspiracy that has fooled the American beverage consuming public?
4) In 5th grade, Brandon New hit me with a pitch on a 2-1 count in the 4th inning of a Little League game. My left thigh had a giant bruise that took two weeks to heal. My question is did he hit me on purpose or did that pitch get away from him? Surely he’s talked about it during one of the phone calls you’ve listened in on.
5) This is the point where most Americans would ask a question like who really killed JFK. But I’m not like most Americans. In 1947, the Roswell incident occurred. The government has denied that an alien ship crashed. Exactly 8 years later, the U.S. manufacturers of PEZ began putting character heads on the tops of PEZ dispensers. Was this to desensitize Americans to aliens with giant heads as I have suspected for quite some time?
Thank you for taking the time to read my questions and I hope you will find time to forward answers to each of them promptly. Keep in mind that there is $75 riding on this. If you fail to answer them, I might ask that the money be put to use in the Office of Things That Don’t Make Sense.
Carry on, Citizens!