Archives: Citizen News

6 Out Of Every 10 Guys Who Read This Post Should Be Concerned

6 Out Of Every 10 Guys Who Read This Post Should Be Concerned

photo6 of you. That’s right, 6 of you should be worried because your wife/girlfriend loves her pet equal to or more than you. That’s right, Fido is #1 or at least tied for it. You’re #2. Even though you clearly understand that #2 goes in a porcelain bowl that flushes instead of the carpet on occasion, you’re #2. You’ve never chewed her favorite shoes, barked at the mailman, or licked yourself for 10 minutes at a time in front of the in-laws, you’re still #2.

This of course is the result of a British study where 1 out of 10 women said they preferred their pet to their significant other. 60% said that the man in their life was less than or equal to their pet. I say this study was done by a whole lot of women who’s boyfriends leave the seat up, but what do I know? Anyway, we as men have a long way to go to regain our top spot from pets. I suggest being more dog like. Just don’t chew on her shoes. Or bark at the mailman. Or, anything I might have mentioned in the above paragraph in front of the in-laws.

Carry on, Citizens!

5 Real Ways Government Will Be Wasting Your Money Now That They Are Back To Work.

5 Real Ways Government Will Be Wasting Your Money Now That They Are Back To Work.

2010-Watermelon-QueenNow that the shut down is over, government can get back to doing all those things that politicians wring their hands over that are so important. Things that we can’t live without. Things like the following real government programs and expenditures:

  1. Moroccan Pottery Classes: The U.S. Agency for International Development spent $27 million over 4 years training Moroccans to design, create, and sell pottery.
  2. Creating Jobs for Russian Nuclear Scientists: That’s right. We’ve spent $15 million creating to help create 2,800 private sector jobs for Russian scientists so they won’t go to work for rogue states. Or to put it in perspective, the stimulus bill in 2009 over two years created fewer of the magical “green” jobs we were promised than we created for Russian scientists. Well done!
  3. Do you like craft beers? I hope so because if you drink Smuttynose Beer (available in 19 states), you the taxpayer paid them $750,000 to add three brew tanks to its operation.
  4. Dog shampoo is important, right? Sergeants Pet Care products (they had $140 million in revenue last year) received a $505,000 Community Development Block Grant so they could develop new pet shampoos and toothpaste.
  5. And this last one just made me stand up, turn towards Washington DC, and utter a phrase that would get our children grounded if they ever said it. The Alabama Watermelon Association received $25,000 to send the Watermelon Queen on a statewide tour to promote … oh who the hell cares what she promoted! She’s the effing Watermelon Queen. And people bitched that government was shut down for a couple of weeks? Dear God, they are the most irresponsible people on the planet!!

Carry on, Citizens! (I’ve gotta go wash my mouth out with soap.)

5 Questions For the NSA: Getting My Money’s Worth

5 Questions For the NSA: Getting My Money’s Worth

Dear NSA,

It has come to my attention that you have been spying on pretty much everybody. This letter is not to quarrel over whether or not you should be doing that because I have a feeling my thoughts on the issue wouldn’t matter to you anyway. I do, however, have some questions that I would like you to answer. I feel that bringing these questions to you is warranted as A) you collect info on everyone and everything, and B) I’m pretty sure that about $75 of your $10.8 billion budget came from taxes I paid. So, I would like to get my money’s worth at $15/question.

1) Years ago I saw a Otis Day & The Knights concert t-shirt from the Dexter Lake Club in the movie Animal House. I can’t find it anymore. Can you track one down for me? You certainly know who might have purchased one in an XXL. I’m happy to buy a used one.

2) I’ve always suspected that the lead singer for the 70’s rock band Molly Hatchet and the voice behind the cartoon character Dudley Do Right are the same person. Can you confirm?

3) I’ve written extensively about my theory that Egg Nog is really vanilla flavored squirrel vomit. Will you confirm my theory and help shed light on this conspiracy that has fooled the American beverage consuming public?

4) In 5th grade, Brandon New hit me with a pitch on a 2-1 count in the 4th inning of a Little League game. My left thigh had a giant bruise that took two weeks to heal. My question is did he hit me on purpose or did that pitch get away from him? Surely he’s talked about it during one of the phone calls you’ve listened in on.

5) This is the point where most Americans would ask a question like who really killed JFK. But I’m not like most Americans. In 1947, the Roswell incident occurred. The government has denied that an alien ship crashed. Exactly 8 years later, the U.S. manufacturers of PEZ began putting character heads on the tops of PEZ dispensers. Was this to desensitize Americans to aliens with giant heads as I have suspected for quite some time?

Thank you for taking the time to read my questions and I hope you will find time to forward answers to each of them promptly. Keep in mind that there is $75 riding on this. If you fail to answer them, I might ask that the money be put to use in the Office of Things That Don’t Make Sense.

Sincerely,

Jeff

Carry on, Citizens!

The Office of Stuff That Doesn’t Make Sense

The Office of Stuff That Doesn’t Make Sense

During this current government shutdown, little has been made of one government entity: The Office of Stuff That Doesn’t Make Sense. This office seems to still be open, despite its lack of relevance to you and me. Most of us would like this office permanently closed. But, Republicans and Democrats equally cling to its existence. Hence, it labors on.

You might be thinking, “Jeff, I’ve never heard of this office. Does it truly exist?” Yes Citizen, it unfortunately does. Running deep withing the bowels of government, it engages in nefarious government business. Our government borrows 46 cents for every dollar it spends. What are we buying with all that borrowed cash?

  1. $615,000 was given to Cal St. Santa Cruz to digitize Grateful Dead memorabilia.
  2. We spend $25 billion per year maintaining unused or vacant federal buildings.
  3. The National Institutes of Health also once spent $442,340 to study the behavior of male prostitutes in Vietnam.
  4. Our government gave Alaska Airlines $500,000 to paint a salmon on the side of an airplane.
  5. We built a Mother’s Day Shrine in Grafton, WV for $123,000.
  6. Government pays certain farmers $5 billion per year NOT to farm.
  7. And this is the kicker: We spent $2.6 million to teach Chinese prostitutes how to drink responsibly.

Maybe the shutdown is a good thing. Our elected officials seem to spend a lot of money on Asian prostitutes.

Carry on, Citizens!

Pin It on Pinterest