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Gay Marriage, Soccer (Football), and Poop

Gay Marriage, Soccer (Football), and Poop

If you think that headline is weird, you haven’t seen my Twitter feed. Today the whole world (well the part of it that’s in Indiana) has been talking about two things and two things only: gay marriage and soccer (or football for my European readers)(or kickball for Geoff Aiken).

For those of you who have been emerged in the College World Series the past 2 weeks (like me) and have no idea why those two topics are trending, I will bring you up to speed. Apparently there is a world wide soccer tournament being played. This tournament follows no format you have ever seen in your life. Teams can lose and advance (as the United States did today) and apparently you can tie. Tie! Can you imagine if teams tied in the NCAA Basketball tournament? There would be absolute chaos! The gates of Hell would open up and swallow Dick Vitale if you could tie in March Madness!

The other topic is trending because Indiana, to the delight of divorce attorneys everywhere, legalized gay marriage. Conservatives and liberals may differ on what God thinks of gay marriage, but nobody can deny that he seems to favor attorneys. How else do they keep winning no matter what side wins or loses?The Bible says the meek shall inherit the earth. And when they do, an attorney will be there to sort out the will.

When I heard the news, I wanted to call one of my college professors at IU and tell him to raise my grade. However, he’s dead (or doing the world’s longest impression of a mannequin). You see, 26 years ago, I predicted this would happen in a paper I wrote for a Political Science course. Before you jump on me from either side of this debate, I wasn’t taking a side in the paper, but writing from a perspective of finding a fundamental flaw in marriage laws. I didn’t know it then, but I was arguing a Libertarian point of view. My point was government had no business recognizing marriage (of any kind) but should stick strictly to domestic living contracts for all forms of cohabitation —including students living in the same apartment. Anyone who has had their credit trashed by a roommate who didn’t pay their share of the electric bill knows why this is a good idea. Getting government out of the marriage business would allow same sex marriages while not forcing religious institutions to act in conflict with their beliefs.

The result of inaction on this issue, I argued, would result in a protracted and expensive battle in the courts over gay marriage in the future. Hmmm…. “some how ‘I told you so’ just doesn’t cut it,” to quote Will Smith. Anyway, I want my A+. My GPA in college was no so stellar the 1st two years, so this is a big deal!

Now about the poop… so, in the midst of watching tweet after tweet cheering soccer ties, losing teams advancing, and arguing about gay marriage, I saw this:

poopI pasted the tweet because I knew nobody would believe me. I’ve got to say, this was the most unanticipated message I’ve had all day. I can’t think of the last time I spent any significant time pondering this. Of course, I was curious, but I was afraid there might be pictures. And I really didn’t want pictures. Then I thought that maybe the article might have some type of high school textbook illustration of poop. I could handle that, right? So, I clicked on the link. No pictures. No illustrations. Just a lot of talk about what poop should look like. I did learn that poop shouldn’t contain anything recognizable. If you can see food (or something that looks like Richard Nixon), you’re not chewing your food properly.

So, there you have it. Today I learned that in football, you can lose and advance. Sort of like an international “participant” trophy. I learned that 26 years ago, I actually did understand the law. But I’m smart enough now to know that most of what swirls around me in this journey, I neither understand fully nor react to appropriately. Or to quote the BoDeans, “I stumble in and out of confidence and doubt.” And finally, I learned that in the midst of all our political battles and international competitions, there is someone out there worrying about our colons.

Carry on, Citizens!

Maybe You Don’t Want Your Kid To Go To Harvard

Maybe You Don’t Want Your Kid To Go To Harvard

Tonight (And hand to God, I’m not making this up), students at Harvard are performing a Satanic Black Mass. This isn’t a Jimmy Fallon prank or something The Onion came up with. It’s being put on by the Harvard Extension Cultural Studies Club and the Satanic Temple. I noticed that this happens to coincide with finals week, so I’m sure there are a whole lot of people in Crimson appealing to a higher power this week. Or in this case, a lower power.

Honest to Cheesiness

Honest to Cheesiness

iotdhtgindianalogo Indiana has selected a new slogan for its license plates: Honest to Goodness. Really? Is that the best we can do? Where are the creative people in this state? Who says that anymore? How many questions can I ask in this paragraph?

Being the civic minded Citizen that I am, I decided to post some alternatives. Please pick the one you like best and email it to your state congress mammal!

 

  1. Indiana, it’s not as flat as you think.
  2. Umm, what the heck was wrong with “Crossroads of America?”
  3. We poop excellence.
  4. We had a governor named Oliver Hazard Perry Morton. Top that!
  5. We know you got choked up during Hoosiers, it’s okay to admit it.
  6. No, I don’t know Bobby Knight. (He left the state 14 years ago.)
  7. You can order a liter of Coke with your meal here. Suck it, NY.

Carry on, Citizens!

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