Archives: Citizen News

Iowa Man Picks Me In Fantasy Draft

Iowa Man Picks Me In Fantasy Draft

From the AP: Edward “Big Ed” Shamsky of Strawberry Point, Iowa picked Jeff Stanger in his fantasy author draft this week. When interviewed, he said, “Stanger was still on the board when I got to my last pick and I thought, ‘what the hell, I need a sports author and rumor has it, he’s going to release a new baseball book by Spring.'”

The Strawberry Point Fantasy Book Publishing League has been in existence since 1997 and consists of 12 members who draft authors and go head to head based on their book sales. Shamsky has won the league twice, based mostly on picking JK Rowling with the 1st overall pick in the draft both years. He finished dead last in the 2013-2014 season when he picked Hillary Clinton, believing Hard Choices would sell more copies.

This is the first time Stanger has been drafted in the league. He told the AP, “I was pumped when I heard that I was drafted, then I heard I was the final pick. And, I understand 53 authors who are currently dead were picked in front of me. So, it’s an honor. Sort of.”

Shamsky won’t be starting Stanger when league play starts next week. “Yeah, he’s definitely bench material, but who knows. I’ve got David Baldacci could pull a hamstring, John Fienstein could blow a knee. You have to have players ready to step in.”

Strawberry Point Fantasy Book Publishing League begins play next Tuesday.

Carry on, Citizens!

Gay Marriage, Soccer (Football), and Poop

Gay Marriage, Soccer (Football), and Poop

If you think that headline is weird, you haven’t seen my Twitter feed. Today the whole world (well the part of it that’s in Indiana) has been talking about two things and two things only: gay marriage and soccer (or football for my European readers)(or kickball for Geoff Aiken).

For those of you who have been emerged in the College World Series the past 2 weeks (like me) and have no idea why those two topics are trending, I will bring you up to speed. Apparently there is a world wide soccer tournament being played. This tournament follows no format you have ever seen in your life. Teams can lose and advance (as the United States did today) and apparently you can tie. Tie! Can you imagine if teams tied in the NCAA Basketball tournament? There would be absolute chaos! The gates of Hell would open up and swallow Dick Vitale if you could tie in March Madness!

The other topic is trending because Indiana, to the delight of divorce attorneys everywhere, legalized gay marriage. Conservatives and liberals may differ on what God thinks of gay marriage, but nobody can deny that he seems to favor attorneys. How else do they keep winning no matter what side wins or loses?The Bible says the meek shall inherit the earth. And when they do, an attorney will be there to sort out the will.

When I heard the news, I wanted to call one of my college professors at IU and tell him to raise my grade. However, he’s dead (or doing the world’s longest impression of a mannequin). You see, 26 years ago, I predicted this would happen in a paper I wrote for a Political Science course. Before you jump on me from either side of this debate, I wasn’t taking a side in the paper, but writing from a perspective of finding a fundamental flaw in marriage laws. I didn’t know it then, but I was arguing a Libertarian point of view. My point was government had no business recognizing marriage (of any kind) but should stick strictly to domestic living contracts for all forms of cohabitation —including students living in the same apartment. Anyone who has had their credit trashed by a roommate who didn’t pay their share of the electric bill knows why this is a good idea. Getting government out of the marriage business would allow same sex marriages while not forcing religious institutions to act in conflict with their beliefs.

The result of inaction on this issue, I argued, would result in a protracted and expensive battle in the courts over gay marriage in the future. Hmmm…. “some how ‘I told you so’ just doesn’t cut it,” to quote Will Smith. Anyway, I want my A+. My GPA in college was no so stellar the 1st two years, so this is a big deal!

Now about the poop… so, in the midst of watching tweet after tweet cheering soccer ties, losing teams advancing, and arguing about gay marriage, I saw this:

poopI pasted the tweet because I knew nobody would believe me. I’ve got to say, this was the most unanticipated message I’ve had all day. I can’t think of the last time I spent any significant time pondering this. Of course, I was curious, but I was afraid there might be pictures. And I really didn’t want pictures. Then I thought that maybe the article might have some type of high school textbook illustration of poop. I could handle that, right? So, I clicked on the link. No pictures. No illustrations. Just a lot of talk about what poop should look like. I did learn that poop shouldn’t contain anything recognizable. If you can see food (or something that looks like Richard Nixon), you’re not chewing your food properly.

So, there you have it. Today I learned that in football, you can lose and advance. Sort of like an international “participant” trophy. I learned that 26 years ago, I actually did understand the law. But I’m smart enough now to know that most of what swirls around me in this journey, I neither understand fully nor react to appropriately. Or to quote the BoDeans, “I stumble in and out of confidence and doubt.” And finally, I learned that in the midst of all our political battles and international competitions, there is someone out there worrying about our colons.

Carry on, Citizens!

Maybe You Don’t Want Your Kid To Go To Harvard

Maybe You Don’t Want Your Kid To Go To Harvard

Tonight (And hand to God, I’m not making this up), students at Harvard are performing a Satanic Black Mass. This isn’t a Jimmy Fallon prank or something The Onion came up with. It’s being put on by the Harvard Extension Cultural Studies Club and the Satanic Temple. I noticed that this happens to coincide with finals week, so I’m sure there are a whole lot of people in Crimson appealing to a higher power this week. Or in this case, a lower power.

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