Archives: Citizen News

Dear Nanny State…

Dear Nanny State…

Dear Nanny State,

Enough already. It wasn’t enough that you regulate every inch of our lives. Now you want to mess with s’mores. We’re done. We’ve had it. It’s time for an uprising or revolution or strongly worded blog post. It has come to my attention that you are now sending out missives to Americans asking them to replace the chocolate and marshmallows in s’mores and replace them with strawberries and yogurt. It’s not enough you and the First Lady turned school lunch into a broccoli laced healthy product that kids won’t eat, now you want to jack with their Summer too?

Stop. Just stop! Go spend our tax dollars on fixing our infrastructure or curing cancer or preventing Kanye from attending award shows. But leave s’mores alone. We’re watching you…

Sincerely,

Citizens

Carry on, Citizens!

photo credit: The first night via photopin (license)

Vacation Breasts

Vacation Breasts

Okay, Americans simply have too much time on their hands. How else can you explain daytime television, the existence of Perez Hilton, and vacation breasts. Yes, that’s what I said, vacation breasts. They are a real thing and if Dr. Norman Rowe has his way, they will be available in 2016. Yep, you can get a temp boob job for weddings, reunions, and your trip to Cabo. He currently offers a 24 hour version which is perfect for confusing the hell out of your Match.com dates. You can read all about it here.  No word on what temporary enhancements he’s working on for men.

In the meantime, I’m working on slogans…

What’s Big In Vegas, Doesn’t Stay Big After Vegas.

Vacation Breasts: Peace of Mind When Your Cruise Ship Goes Down.

Vacation Breasts: ‘Cause the Kids Are Staying With Grandma this Trip!

Carry on, Citizens!
photo credit: Timothy Valentine via photopin cc

Iowa Man Picks Me In Fantasy Draft

Iowa Man Picks Me In Fantasy Draft

From the AP: Edward “Big Ed” Shamsky of Strawberry Point, Iowa picked Jeff Stanger in his fantasy author draft this week. When interviewed, he said, “Stanger was still on the board when I got to my last pick and I thought, ‘what the hell, I need a sports author and rumor has it, he’s going to release a new baseball book by Spring.'”

The Strawberry Point Fantasy Book Publishing League has been in existence since 1997 and consists of 12 members who draft authors and go head to head based on their book sales. Shamsky has won the league twice, based mostly on picking JK Rowling with the 1st overall pick in the draft both years. He finished dead last in the 2013-2014 season when he picked Hillary Clinton, believing Hard Choices would sell more copies.

This is the first time Stanger has been drafted in the league. He told the AP, “I was pumped when I heard that I was drafted, then I heard I was the final pick. And, I understand 53 authors who are currently dead were picked in front of me. So, it’s an honor. Sort of.”

Shamsky won’t be starting Stanger when league play starts next week. “Yeah, he’s definitely bench material, but who knows. I’ve got David Baldacci could pull a hamstring, John Fienstein could blow a knee. You have to have players ready to step in.”

Strawberry Point Fantasy Book Publishing League begins play next Tuesday.

Carry on, Citizens!

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