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America’s Most Dangerous Communicable Disease

America’s Most Dangerous Communicable Disease

Last week I went to Penn Station for lunch. Since then I’ve been hiding out mostly. Trying to keep out of public places and away from people. There’s a dangerous bug going around and it’s infecting people of all races, creeds, orientations, and shoe size. This illness I speak of, the one that keeps me up at night: stupidity.

The guy in line behind me argued with the young lady behind the register because he didn’t feel he was given an option for a cold vs hot sub. He said the option wasn’t given to him by the person who took his order and he wanted a cold sub. The sub he ordered: The Philly Cheesesteak. Who the hell orders a COLD Philly cheesesteak? How does one make a COLD Phily? Do you serve it raw? (Remember, Penn Station grills the meat to order). Do you cook it and then let it sit for a half hour? Do you throw it in the fridge? What kind of person orders such a thing?

(I want to go on record before moving any further and state that the employee did a monumental job of showing both patience and restraint in the face of wanton pinheadery. She deserves to be Employee of the Month. Had I been behind the counter, I might have been tempted to waterboard him with the fresh squeezed lemonade.) 

After she her initial explanation to him, I didn’t stick around to learn the outcome. This affliction he was carrying is catching. I wanted out of there as fast as I could. As much as I wanted to help the girl explain to him the physics of the oven that his sandwich was already in or the dangers of raw meat being consumed with his cheese, peppers, and onions, I had to go.

I feel I made the right choice. When it comes to you and your brain, it’s every man, woman, and whatever sentient being Miley Cyrus believes she is this week, for his, her, or itself. Besides, the headlines are full of stupid this week. A couple of YouTubers decided to up their ratings by seeing if a book could stop a bullet. Spoiler alert, the bullet won.

It has infected the radio industry this week as well. A music coordinator from an LA radio station contacted Annie Lennox and told her that she “had potential” and she should send her an mp3 for her program director to have a listen. Dear God! I’m not even an Annie Lennox fan and I’m appalled.

And do I have to even go into what’s going on in Washington DC? Sorry folks but every person running around with either a D or an R next to their names have completely lost their minds! Stupidity is America’s number one communicable disease. So avoid stupid. Or you will become stupid! Now, I have to go reheat my Philly Cheesesteak.

Carry on, Citizens!

 

FKA Announce Intent to Protest in Washington This Week

FKA Announce Intent to Protest in Washington This Week

The Future Karnies of America (sic) have announced they will descend on Washington this week to protest a full slate of grievances. According to Skeeter McGlaughlin, current FKA President, Spokesperson, and Tilt-a-Whirl Historian, the group will be protesting:

President Elect Donald Trump: “We can no longer contain our anger at Donald Trump for killing Carnie Apprentice. It was our idea first. We had a network deal in hand and he came in with his flashy big city suit and spectacular hair and swept NBC off their feet. We won’t forget. We can’t forget!”

Outgoing President Barack Obama: “He pardoned Chelsea Manning and Chelsea Manning helped Edward Snowden. Long before she hacked the government, she hacked the Carnies. She knows things. Carnie things. She must be stopped.”

Lena Dunham: “We’re pretty sure she did something.”

PETA: They killed the Circus. Wait, that helps us. Less competition next summer. But they bitch about our goldfish ball toss. We’ll get back to you on PETA.”

There you have it. The Carnies are angry. They will be out in force this week in Washington. You’ve been warned.

Carry on, Citizens!

Let’s Just Keep Everybody Out of the Bathroom

Let’s Just Keep Everybody Out of the Bathroom

Americans are fighting with each other again. This time, it’s over bathrooms. Some people want transgender persons to use any bathroom they want. Some people want them to go to the bathroom that matches their current set of tools.

I say, keep everyone out of the bathroom. Gay, straight, transgender, hockey fans, and people who watch The View. All of them out. I don’t want to go to the bathroom with anybody. America needs single serve bathrooms. I base this on years of going to the bathroom and being disturbed by the following:

Crossing Japan Off My List

Crossing Japan Off My List

Do you have a list on countries you would like to visit before you die? You might want to cross Japan off your list. I just did. I can handle the crowds. I can navigate around my dislike of sushi. I can adapt to the customs of the Japanese people.

Except one.

The one I discovered within the last hour.

And it’s a thing. A real thing. Confirmed by literally minutes of internet research.

The name of this bizarre custom is Kancho.

Kancho is the practice of making your hand into the shape of a gun (see above) and then poking it into someone’s bum. The booty. The butt. The derriere.  Apparently it is a common practice in Japanese schools —sometimes as old as middle school! And it’s perfectly normal and acceptable!

Now, I don’t know about you, but I can probably name off a half dozen people I went to school with that never quite grew out of childhood. It happens in every culture. So, I’m pretty certain that there are more than a few people running around an island of 127.3 million people that are still not out of their Kancho phase. Don’t believe me? Japan’s version of ComicCon attracts over a half million attendees! If you’re still dressing up as your favorite comic book player (not that there is anything wrong with that), you might still be attached to some other things you learned to love as a child.

So go to Japan if you must. Just beware of people making their hands into a gun shape. They’re not playing cops and robbers…

Carry on, Citizens!

 

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