Archives: Citizen News

FKA Announce Intent to Protest in Washington This Week

FKA Announce Intent to Protest in Washington This Week

The Future Karnies of America (sic) have announced they will descend on Washington this week to protest a full slate of grievances. According to Skeeter McGlaughlin, current FKA President, Spokesperson, and Tilt-a-Whirl Historian, the group will be protesting:

President Elect Donald Trump: “We can no longer contain our anger at Donald Trump for killing Carnie Apprentice. It was our idea first. We had a network deal in hand and he came in with his flashy big city suit and spectacular hair and swept NBC off their feet. We won’t forget. We can’t forget!”

Outgoing President Barack Obama: “He pardoned Chelsea Manning and Chelsea Manning helped Edward Snowden. Long before she hacked the government, she hacked the Carnies. She knows things. Carnie things. She must be stopped.”

Lena Dunham: “We’re pretty sure she did something.”

PETA: They killed the Circus. Wait, that helps us. Less competition next summer. But they bitch about our goldfish ball toss. We’ll get back to you on PETA.”

There you have it. The Carnies are angry. They will be out in force this week in Washington. You’ve been warned.

Carry on, Citizens!

Let’s Just Keep Everybody Out of the Bathroom

Let’s Just Keep Everybody Out of the Bathroom

Americans are fighting with each other again. This time, it’s over bathrooms. Some people want transgender persons to use any bathroom they want. Some people want them to go to the bathroom that matches their current set of tools.

I say, keep everyone out of the bathroom. Gay, straight, transgender, hockey fans, and people who watch The View. All of them out. I don’t want to go to the bathroom with anybody. America needs single serve bathrooms. I base this on years of going to the bathroom and being disturbed by the following:

Crossing Japan Off My List

Crossing Japan Off My List

Do you have a list on countries you would like to visit before you die? You might want to cross Japan off your list. I just did. I can handle the crowds. I can navigate around my dislike of sushi. I can adapt to the customs of the Japanese people.

Except one.

The one I discovered within the last hour.

And it’s a thing. A real thing. Confirmed by literally minutes of internet research.

The name of this bizarre custom is Kancho.

Kancho is the practice of making your hand into the shape of a gun (see above) and then poking it into someone’s bum. The booty. The butt. The derriere.  Apparently it is a common practice in Japanese schools —sometimes as old as middle school! And it’s perfectly normal and acceptable!

Now, I don’t know about you, but I can probably name off a half dozen people I went to school with that never quite grew out of childhood. It happens in every culture. So, I’m pretty certain that there are more than a few people running around an island of 127.3 million people that are still not out of their Kancho phase. Don’t believe me? Japan’s version of ComicCon attracts over a half million attendees! If you’re still dressing up as your favorite comic book player (not that there is anything wrong with that), you might still be attached to some other things you learned to love as a child.

So go to Japan if you must. Just beware of people making their hands into a gun shape. They’re not playing cops and robbers…

Carry on, Citizens!

 

Rachel Dolezal & Brian Williams to Star in the Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend.

Rachel Dolezal & Brian Williams to Star in the Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend.

BREAKING: Warner Brothers announces plans to make a sequel to the 2007 hit movie The Bucket List starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Neither will appear in the sequel, however. Starring in The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend will be NBC’s Brian Williams and former NAACP leader Rachel Dolezal.

The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend will follow the two as they cross off a list of items they want to pretend to do before they die. Dolezal is very happy to be turning this new page in her life. “In the past, I’ve pretended to be a victim of white racism, black discrimination, child abuse, and domestic violence. So, you could say that I’ve hit all the obvious ones. In this film, I get to explore victimhood on a level I’ve never imagined.”

“I don’t want to give away too much, but the director has promised I will be a victim of gerrymandering, circumstance, time, and carnies. As the film progresses, I get to be the victim of a natural disaster. I’m hoping for a flood or hurricane so I can also be a victim of global warming. Double bonus!”

“I’m getting some pushback from the screenwriter, but I really feel I should visit Egypt and be a victim of one of those plagues from the old testament. Maybe the frogs or the darkness. I’m pretty sure I can spin one of those two into a shot at carbon based fuels or something like that. And in the climax, I’m a victim of identity theft! But the audience is left to guess if it is my white identity or my black identity! I’m totally blowing your mind, right!”

Brian Williams is excited to explore the possibilities as well. “As you know, I pretended to be shot at during the Iraq war. Silly me, but that’s all behind us. When the producers approached me and offered me the chance to pretend to be shot at by a wide variety of weapons, I couldn’t pass it up!”

Williams is boning up on his diving skills, he reports. “I’m going to be underwater trying to interview a talking shark off the coast of Austrailia. I will pretend to be shot at by various aborigines men with harpoons. There’s a glorious scene in Yankee stadium where I get shot at by t-shirt cannons. One I’m particularly excited about is being shot at by those poisonous blow darts. It’s sort of an homage to Indiana Jones, except this will take place in Times Square and instead of natives, it will be members of the Tea Party doing the shooting. Or blowing I suppose is the correct term.”

The former anchor is particularly excited about the climactic scene. “I can’t give too much away, but it will involve a trebuchet, 300 lbs of cottage cheese, and an androgynous villain named Le Méchant.”

Look for The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend in theaters in March 2016.

Carry on, Citizens!

Last updated by at .

Pin It on Pinterest