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What would you augment?

What would you augment?

Do you ever read an article and think, “Huh, I would have never thought of that!” That’s what I said when I read this article about jaw augmentation. That’s no typo. Jaw augmentation is a thing. So is urban jousting, but that’s a different blog post. At any rate, men all over New York, Dallas, and LA are apparently getting their jaws enhanced. It seems they don’t feel their jaws are manly enough.

This of course got me thinking, (This where things usually go wrong!) “What part of me would I choose to augment? I’ve given this a lot of thought in an effort to deliver you riveting insight and to avoid doing day job work. I thought about augmenting my chin, but I was concerned my dog wouldn’t know who I was anymore.

I’ve long considered hair implants —on my knees. I want to be the start of the kneebeard trend. But my wife, who is very insightful, slipped a “No Kneebeards” clause into our wedding vows. I couldn’t remember actually saying that, but she showed me a video of the vows and sure enough, I said it. However, the voice doesn’t sound like mine, so I’m not so sure that some editing hasn’t taken place.

I decided on having my fingers augmented. I think if they were about a half inch longer, I could type faster. I always slow down when I have to type numbers or this symbol: ~.

So, what part of your body would you augment?

Carry on, Citizens!

The Harvard Yard Sale

The Harvard Yard Sale

What has our nation come to? Even the lofty Harvard University has fallen on hard times. So much so, that this very weekend they were having  a yard sale! Yes, that is a real picture on the campus of Harvard taken yesterday and yes, it’s a yard sale. I found a couch and an Easy Bake oven. I’m not sure if I can bring either on the plane as a carry-on, however.

So, if you’re in the Cambridge area today, stop on buy the Harvard Yard Sale. Book lovers can score some great deals on 18th century literature (3 for a dollar) and statues of old dead guys are going for $10! Hurry, don’t delay!!

Carry on, Citizens!

Tweeting in the Hereafter

Tweeting in the Hereafter

Today I saw a retweet of a message from Michael Jackson. “How could this be,” I thought. “Hasn’t Michael Jackson been dead for a while?”

It seems that Michael has been filling eternity by engaging his living fans on social media. Michael died on June 25, 2009. According to Twitter, he joined their social media platform a month later. I guess he still had more to say to the world and he felt 140 characters at a time was the best way to communicate from beyond the grave.

One thing that did make me feel better about the whole thing is that I noticed he isn’t following a single person back. If a dead guy is following you back on Twitter, that’s digital haunting. You would probably need the services of a Social Media Exorcist —assuming that’s a thing. If it isn’t a thing, it better be real soon because it seems a lot of dead people are tweeting these days.

When I die, I don’t want to tweet anymore. So, I’ve composed my final tweet, to be posted on my behalf as soon as I’m dead:

“Dear Citizens, I’m dead. See, I told you I was sick. Give me a Viking funeral and unfollow me. Carry, On.”

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