It’s here! Icemageddon is upon us. The stores are being raided by terrified Midwesterners as the “Catastrophic” Storm of the Century approaches Indiana. I’m ready. I’ve got Pez.

Have you ever noticed that romantic comedies are never set in Iran? Have you ever seen a chic flick set in the Mashhad or Tehran? Of course not! Why, do you reckon that’s the case? It’s because Iran hates Valentine’s Day! And when I say hate, I mean officials actually banned Valentine’s Day in Iran!
Now I’m sure there’s an exec at Hallmark thinking, “Hey, it’s no big deal. Iran isn’t a big greeting card market anyway.”  But, I am deeply troubled by this! Over 70% of the Iranian population is under 30! …

There’s a holiday tradition that frightens me. It’s the drinking of Egg Nog. Humans weren’t meant to drink a liquid called Nog. Nog should be something that you keep in your garage. It should only come out for sealing your driveway or filling in the gaps in your bathroom tile. Nog has no business at a Christmas party commiserating with the cookies and other deserts.
The history of Nog dates back to the early pioneer days in America. It …

It’s good to be an American today. We have this wonderful tradition called Thanksgiving. It’s a day of family and food and football and more food. It’s a day of remembering our blessings. So, I thought I would provide this little public service as a way of saying thanks to all the Citizens who read my blog. I wanted to give you the real history of this holiday —not the well researched stuff you get on History Channel. I wanted to give you the Jeff version of history. It’s much …

…according to me.
Often people ask me, “Jeff, if you had been successful in your bid to become Emperor, how would you have spent the stimulus money.” And, I answer, “Are you kidding? There wouldn’t have been a need for a stimulus! I would be Emperor!”
But, let’s just suppose for a second, I was President of the United States and let’s suppose there was a stimulus during my administration. How would I have handled it differently? First, you would know exactly how I was going to spend it. No vague promises. …

Recently, the NCAA punished Georgia’s A.J. Green for selling his Independence Bowl jersey for a whopping $1,000!  Although pro sports player’s do this all the time, it is in fact a rule violation. I’m not sure what they are more offended by -the fact that an amatuer player sold his jersey or the fact that a guy who has never played in the NFL got more money than a Jerry Rice signed jersey.
Anyway, that got me thinking… (ominous music here) … there is no NCAA for blogging. There is no …

Who are the most optimistic fans in the world? Cubs fans? They do seem to hang in there year after year, despite not winning a championship in 102 years.  To put that into perspective, the following did not exist the last time the Cubs won: the NFL, the NBA, Al Gore, the Internet, television, and iTunes (the Rolling Stones, however, did exist.).

There are 292 messages in my Spam folder tonight. They range from the absurd to the offensive (not unlike Helen Thomas), but they have one thing in common: all have some of the worst headline writing of all-time! Whether it’s incoherent gibberish or just horrible grammar, spam is the train wreck of the written word. I’m horrified, but I can’t look away.
So, here is a sampling of today’s spam:

Interesting things happen when you get your haircut. Sara cut my hair today. Then she showed me a video of her husband’s bird dancing while he performed an original rap tune. I encouraged her to put it on YouTube -not necessarily for the artistic quality as much as the novelty of a bird grooving to a wannabe Eminem.  This isn’t the first peculiar thing I’ve experienced at this particular place of business. And that’s why I keep going back. Somewhere between the magazines and the shampoo, a story will unfold.

I could have done a 2009 Year In Review post, but that would have required me to actually do research and this is, in fact, a holiday. Besides, I was out until 3am ringing in the New Year with a screening of Inglorious Basterds (“Frankly, watchin’ Donny beat Nazis to death is is the closest we ever get to goin’ to the movies.”~Lt. Aldo Raine). It was an odd way of finishing off 2009, but it was an odd year.
Anyway, as I did in 2008, I wanted to be the …