BREAKING: Warner Brothers announces plans to make a sequel to the 2007 hit movie The Bucket List starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Neither will appear in the sequel, however. Starring in The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend will be NBC’s Brian Williams and former NAACP leader Rachel Dolezal.
The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend will follow the two as they cross off a list of items they want to pretend to do before they die. Dolezal is very happy to be turning this new page in her life. “In the past, I’ve pretended to be a victim of white racism, black discrimination, child abuse, and domestic violence. So, you could say that I’ve hit all the obvious ones. In this film, I get to explore victimhood on a level I’ve never imagined.”
“I don’t want to give away too much, but the director has promised I will be a victim of gerrymandering, circumstance, time, and carnies. As the film progresses, I get to be the victim of a natural disaster. I’m hoping for a flood or hurricane so I can also be a victim of global warming. Double bonus!”
“I’m getting some pushback from the screenwriter, but I really feel I should visit Egypt and be a victim of one of those plagues from the old testament. Maybe the frogs or the darkness. I’m pretty sure I can spin one of those two into a shot at carbon based fuels or something like that. And in the climax, I’m a victim of identity theft! But the audience is left to guess if it is my white identity or my black identity! I’m totally blowing your mind, right!”
Brian Williams is excited to explore the possibilities as well. “As you know, I pretended to be shot at during the Iraq war. Silly me, but that’s all behind us. When the producers approached me and offered me the chance to pretend to be shot at by a wide variety of weapons, I couldn’t pass it up!”
Williams is boning up on his diving skills, he reports. “I’m going to be underwater trying to interview a talking shark off the coast of Austrailia. I will pretend to be shot at by various aborigines men with harpoons. There’s a glorious scene in Yankee stadium where I get shot at by t-shirt cannons. One I’m particularly excited about is being shot at by those poisonous blow darts. It’s sort of an homage to Indiana Jones, except this will take place in Times Square and instead of natives, it will be members of the Tea Party doing the shooting. Or blowing I suppose is the correct term.”
The former anchor is particularly excited about the climactic scene. “I can’t give too much away, but it will involve a trebuchet, 300 lbs of cottage cheese, and an androgynous villain named Le Méchant.”
Look for The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend in theaters in March 2016.
Carry on, Citizens!