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Mike Runs Towards Disasters (Including the Ones He Creates)

Mike Runs Towards Disasters (Including the Ones He Creates)

Mike is a “seasoned Marketing professional.” I know that because Mike’s LinkedIn profile leads with that fact. (I’m not sure why marketing is capitalized, but that might be nitpicking) The reason I’m writing about Mike today is that he has contacted me twice in the last week because he would love to contribute an article to the website of one of my nonprofit clients. Did I mention that Mike thinks my name is Alexandria?

Did I mention that Mike thinks my name is Alexandria? I know I went to the women’s restroom at a truckstop on my way back from Memphis a couple of weeks ago, but it had nothing to do with the current bathroom debate. The men’s room was out of order and my wife and sister-in-law stood guard. I’m not transitioning to Alexandria. And if I was, I would choose a better name.

Pumpkin Pie, Thaddeus Green, and the Origin of the Kiddie Table

Pumpkin Pie, Thaddeus Green, and the Origin of the Kiddie Table

2112894143_288eae1a3fYou’re probably going to be offended by this (Especially if you are a pumpkin pie fan). But the truth must be shared to the masses. And that truth is this: pumpkin pie was a compromise. Pumpkin pie made it into our Thanksgiving tradition only as a measure of last resort. It’s not what was meant to be.

“You had one job to do!”

It all began at the first Thanksgiving. Thaddeus Green and his family will not show up on any list of the Mayflower passengers in any history book or a museum. There is a reason for that. Thaddeus was the most hated man in the New World. You see it was Green’s singular task to make sure the boat had chocolate on it. Instead, the night before the Puritans sailed to the New World and said goodbye to the sin and debauchery of merry Old England, Green decided to have one last evening of sin and debauchery. Green was much more committed to the sin and debauchery than the loading of the chocolate.

“There is no pumpkin recipe that wasn’t born out of a want for chocolate.”

So, when the Pilgrims got to Plymouth and unloaded, there was no chocolate. No chocolate for pie, for cake, for smores, and cookies. The Pilgrims were devastated. So, when Thanksgiving rolled around, they had to improvise. And that’s how we got pumpkin pie. They also decided to use pumpkin as a compromise with other things like pumpkin bread for chocolate cake, pumpkin spice latte for hot chocolate, etc. There is no pumpkin recipe that wasn’t born out of a want for chocolate.

The Pilgrims were so mad at Green and his family, they wouldn’t let them sit at the large banquet table for that first Thanksgiving. Instead, they had to sit at a small table that was half as high as the rest. When the Native American Chief inquired about the strange family that was being shamed at the small table, William Bradford replied, “They are the reason we only have pumpkin pie for desert.”

The Chief pondered this for a moment, called for his bow, and fired an arrow through the heart of Green. The Chief really had his heart set on chocolate pie. The Pilgrims cheered the death of Green but immediately sent a boat back to England to get chocolate before the next Thanksgiving. That boat sank and Native/Pilgrim relations were never the same.

So, when you reach for the pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving, remember it was a compromise. It is a lesser pie. Be sure to offer a chocolate or pecan pie as an alternative. Or make sure none of your guests are packing a bow.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Carry on, Citizens!

photo credit: pumpkin pie via photopin (license)

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A Tradition of Giving

A Tradition of Giving

When you go to a dinner party, the proper thing to do is bring a gift. I’m not sure who started this tradition, but I’m assured by my wife that this is indeed a proper tradition that society expects of us. And I want to be part of society. I think.

It’s not that I’m stingy. It’s just that I’ve had my share of gift giving faux pas over the years. Like the time I was told to bring wine to a dinner party. I’m not a wine guy. I can’t tell you which wine goes with fish or pork or spam. I know that some are red and some are white. I know that the stuff that comes out of a box is supposedly not as marvelous as the stuff you can’t pronounce and costs $100 per bottle.

Rachel Dolezal & Brian Williams to Star in the Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend.

Rachel Dolezal & Brian Williams to Star in the Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend.

BREAKING: Warner Brothers announces plans to make a sequel to the 2007 hit movie The Bucket List starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Neither will appear in the sequel, however. Starring in The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend will be NBC’s Brian Williams and former NAACP leader Rachel Dolezal.

The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend will follow the two as they cross off a list of items they want to pretend to do before they die. Dolezal is very happy to be turning this new page in her life. “In the past, I’ve pretended to be a victim of white racism, black discrimination, child abuse, and domestic violence. So, you could say that I’ve hit all the obvious ones. In this film, I get to explore victimhood on a level I’ve never imagined.”

“I don’t want to give away too much, but the director has promised I will be a victim of gerrymandering, circumstance, time, and carnies. As the film progresses, I get to be the victim of a natural disaster. I’m hoping for a flood or hurricane so I can also be a victim of global warming. Double bonus!”

“I’m getting some pushback from the screenwriter, but I really feel I should visit Egypt and be a victim of one of those plagues from the old testament. Maybe the frogs or the darkness. I’m pretty sure I can spin one of those two into a shot at carbon based fuels or something like that. And in the climax, I’m a victim of identity theft! But the audience is left to guess if it is my white identity or my black identity! I’m totally blowing your mind, right!”

Brian Williams is excited to explore the possibilities as well. “As you know, I pretended to be shot at during the Iraq war. Silly me, but that’s all behind us. When the producers approached me and offered me the chance to pretend to be shot at by a wide variety of weapons, I couldn’t pass it up!”

Williams is boning up on his diving skills, he reports. “I’m going to be underwater trying to interview a talking shark off the coast of Austrailia. I will pretend to be shot at by various aborigines men with harpoons. There’s a glorious scene in Yankee stadium where I get shot at by t-shirt cannons. One I’m particularly excited about is being shot at by those poisonous blow darts. It’s sort of an homage to Indiana Jones, except this will take place in Times Square and instead of natives, it will be members of the Tea Party doing the shooting. Or blowing I suppose is the correct term.”

The former anchor is particularly excited about the climactic scene. “I can’t give too much away, but it will involve a trebuchet, 300 lbs of cottage cheese, and an androgynous villain named Le Méchant.”

Look for The Bucket List 2: Let’s Pretend in theaters in March 2016.

Carry on, Citizens!

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