I could have done a 2009 Year In Review post, but that would have required me to actually do research and this is, in fact, a holiday. Besides, I was out until 3am ringing in the New Year with a screening of Inglorious Basterds (“Frankly, watchin’ Donny beat Nazis to death is is the closest we ever get to goin’ to the movies.”~Lt. Aldo Raine). It was an odd way of finishing off 2009, but it was an odd year.
Anyway, as I did in 2008, I wanted to be the …

Drastic times call for drastic measures. And apparently, it calls for stealing urine. It seems pee is a hot commodity in Utah. Thieves broke into the Bear River Health Dept. in Logan, Utah and stole 17 urine samples. That’s it. Nothing else. They just took the pee.
There are so many questions swirling down the toilet of my brain right now. Why steal something you can pretty much make anytime during the day? How much does pee fetch on the black market? What does one do with stolen pee?
I hope the …

… when you’re under the influence of cold medicine.

I have a solution to the global warming debate. Let’s stop fighting over whether or not it’s real, and start doing all we can to turn the entire world into the climate of San Diego.
The NFL Today “experts” predicted 2 weeks ago that Indianapolis would not make the Super Bowl. 2 of them predicted that Pittsburgh would. The Colts are 12-0 and the Steelers are 6-6 and have lost 4 in a row. Dear CBS, you could pay me 25% of what …

I was at a gathering a few weeks back and my friend Jaimie shared a story with our table. As she weaved the tale, she tried to explain the relationship of a certain person to the main character of the story. The relationship: it was the baby daddy’s mama’s lesbian girlfriend. I have no idea how the story ended. For all I know, the baby daddy found a golden raisin in a scone he bought at Starbucks and was able to send his mother and her partner to Massachusetts to …

After 20+ straight days of Health Care Reform and Michael Jackson, I’ve stopped reading the news. Okay, I still read the odd news. It’s one of the few places an American’s can still laugh on a regular basis. And that’s where I found today’s gems.

Fans of the Escape From… movie franchise will be glad to know that Kurt Russell has signed on to play Snake Plissken again in Escape From Detroit.  This time around he will be helping to escort employees of the 4 remaining Starbuck’s out of the city.  They will have to navigate through abandoned grocery stores, a gauntlet of bitter Kwame Kilpatrick supporters, and former Chrysler dealers who have resorted to cannibalism.
Russell was quoted as saying, “I had no plans for doing another Escape From, but I was struck by the …

“Iron law, Alan: nonny before ninny.”
Carry on, Citizens!

I’m typing with bloodshot eyes and blistered fingertips. I’ve crawled away from the Wii and managed to pull myself up to the chair in order to write this blog post. I’m exhausted from the 42 hour marathon of virtual music that I have completed. It was like playing every set at Woodstock. But it’s worth it. I have conquered the music world. I am the Accordion Hero.
It started innocently enough. Someone thought to give me a game for Christmas. They had heard of the popularity of Guitar Hero, but weren’t …

Blue socks don’t go with what I’m wearing. Yet, there they are, peeking out from between my shoes and pants. Black shoes and black pants, I might add. Did I mention I’m wearing a green shirt. How did this happen? Has anyone else in this meeting noticed. Why didn’t my administrative assistant notice this?
Those are the thoughts that went through my head Monday morning. Now, before you call the fashion police or the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy people, cut me some slack. I had just worked a long …

And with that line, I spit milk out of my nose laughing in my parents living room. I really should have posted this on Thanksgiving, seeing the video comes from one of the greatest Thanksgiving episodes of any sitcom ever made in the history of the universe.
Of course I’m talking about Turkeys Away from WKRP in Cincinnati.  Hands down one of the funniest episodes of one of the great sitcoms. The reason I’m posting this today is because a Cincinnati radio station is taking the call letters WKRP.  I really …