Who are the most optimistic fans in the world? Cubs fans? They do seem to hang in there year after year, despite not winning a championship in 102 years.  To put that into perspective, the following did not exist the last time the Cubs won: the NFL, the NBA, Al Gore, the Internet, television, and iTunes (the Rolling Stones, however, did exist.).

There are 292 messages in my Spam folder tonight. They range from the absurd to the offensive (not unlike Helen Thomas), but they have one thing in common: all have some of the worst headline writing of all-time! Whether it’s incoherent gibberish or just horrible grammar, spam is the train wreck of the written word. I’m horrified, but I can’t look away.
So, here is a sampling of today’s spam:

Interesting things happen when you get your haircut. Sara cut my hair today. Then she showed me a video of her husband’s bird dancing while he performed an original rap tune. I encouraged her to put it on YouTube -not necessarily for the artistic quality as much as the novelty of a bird grooving to a wannabe Eminem.  This isn’t the first peculiar thing I’ve experienced at this particular place of business. And that’s why I keep going back. Somewhere between the magazines and the shampoo, a story will unfold.

I could have done a 2009 Year In Review post, but that would have required me to actually do research and this is, in fact, a holiday. Besides, I was out until 3am ringing in the New Year with a screening of Inglorious Basterds (“Frankly, watchin’ Donny beat Nazis to death is is the closest we ever get to goin’ to the movies.”~Lt. Aldo Raine). It was an odd way of finishing off 2009, but it was an odd year.
Anyway, as I did in 2008, I wanted to be the …

Drastic times call for drastic measures. And apparently, it calls for stealing urine. It seems pee is a hot commodity in Utah. Thieves broke into the Bear River Health Dept. in Logan, Utah and stole 17 urine samples. That’s it. Nothing else. They just took the pee.
There are so many questions swirling down the toilet of my brain right now. Why steal something you can pretty much make anytime during the day? How much does pee fetch on the black market? What does one do with stolen pee?
I hope the …

… when you’re under the influence of cold medicine.

I have a solution to the global warming debate. Let’s stop fighting over whether or not it’s real, and start doing all we can to turn the entire world into the climate of San Diego.
The NFL Today “experts” predicted 2 weeks ago that Indianapolis would not make the Super Bowl. 2 of them predicted that Pittsburgh would. The Colts are 12-0 and the Steelers are 6-6 and have lost 4 in a row. Dear CBS, you could pay me 25% of what …

I was at a gathering a few weeks back and my friend Jaimie shared a story with our table. As she weaved the tale, she tried to explain the relationship of a certain person to the main character of the story. The relationship: it was the baby daddy’s mama’s lesbian girlfriend. I have no idea how the story ended. For all I know, the baby daddy found a golden raisin in a scone he bought at Starbucks and was able to send his mother and her partner to Massachusetts to …

After 20+ straight days of Health Care Reform and Michael Jackson, I’ve stopped reading the news. Okay, I still read the odd news. It’s one of the few places an American’s can still laugh on a regular basis. And that’s where I found today’s gems.

Fans of the Escape From… movie franchise will be glad to know that Kurt Russell has signed on to play Snake Plissken again in Escape From Detroit.  This time around he will be helping to escort employees of the 4 remaining Starbuck’s out of the city.  They will have to navigate through abandoned grocery stores, a gauntlet of bitter Kwame Kilpatrick supporters, and former Chrysler dealers who have resorted to cannibalism.
Russell was quoted as saying, “I had no plans for doing another Escape From, but I was struck by the …

“Iron law, Alan: nonny before ninny.”
Carry on, Citizens!