by Jeff

About Jeff

Jeff Stanger is an author and fundraising consultant as well as the answer to several obscure trivia questions. He writes for food and occasionally for spite.
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Bonnie and Maple

Klondike?s wife was protesting Klondike. Apparently since the morning in the diner, he had been consumed with the Dodgers. So much so, that he had missed their anniversary the night before. She carried a sign that said ?Keep Frank Lopilato off the Board of Directors.? On the opposite side of the sign, it read ?Ask me Why He?s a Bad Husband.? No one did.

Poor Klondike. He was probably the best husband and father at the meeting. He was faithful, loving, and gentle. However, he was the beleaguered father of five girls. No man can hold up under all that estrogen. It?s just not possible! So when ?guy things? come along (like this) he seemed to lose himself in them.

In her zeal to enact revenge on her husband, Bonnie Lopilato nearly collided with one of the Vegans. This particular Vegan went by the name Maple. Maple loved trees ?and animals unless of course you view humans as animals. Maple once assaulted me when I was writing for the student newspaper. During and interview, I asked how someone who loved trees so much could eat salad with such reckless abandon. I then asked her if she heard the cry of the soybean as it was grotesquely slaughtered and converted into soymilk and other bland tasting products. The one that got me cold-cocked with a cafeteria tray, though, was how could she yank a defenseless, naked carrot from his home, skin him with a grater, and eat him raw without so much human compassion as to numb him first?

That was also when I was kicked off the student newspaper. I was the one who was assaulted! However, vegan sympathy had infiltrated the decision making offices of the Indiana Daily Student. I was an outsider ?a hated meat eater. I had dared expose the plight of the soybean. For my crime I was banished from the student press. To this day, I still here the cry of the soybean.

Anyway, Bonnie inadvertently got up close and personal with Maple. Maple had not been intentionally hygienic for about a week and a half. Bonnie had not been able to keep food down for nearly the same amount of time. (Daughter number six was about to be discovered.) So, the combination of Maple?s aroma and Bonnie?s pregnancy left an unpleasant walking hazard on the sidewalk leading into the Convention Center.

I walked over to Bonnie to see if I could help her. She took my arm and I slowly walked her into the lobby. Every couple of steps, I looked back to see if Maple was following me. I didn?t want to get hit in the head again.

–Trolley Dodgers–

Texarkana

A place I went last weekend –in my head.

20,000 miles to an oasis
20,000 years will I burn
20,000 chances I wasted
Waiting for the moment to turn
I would give my life to find it
I would give it all
Catch me if I fall

Walking through the woods I have faced it
Looking for something to learn
30,000 thoughts have replaced it,
Never in my time to return

I would give my life to find it
I would give it all
Catch me if I fall
All alone
Waiting to fall

40,000 stars in the evening
Look at them fall from the sky
40,000 reasons for living
40,000 tears in your eye

I would give my life to find it
I would give it all
Catch me if I fall

–REM–

Bloomington Vegans

The Bloomington Vegans were marching because of hot dogs. Apparently, the idea of pork and beef leftovers being used to produce hot dogs was particularly offensive to them. They would prefer we use tofu dogs at the ballpark. I could argue that nobody has actually proven that hot dogs really are pork or beef, but I figured it was irrelevant. I don?t like to debate the Bloomington Vegans. They are an unhappy clan ?always quick to get into a debate about culinary morality. I don?t look down on them. I just feel sorry for them. I hope there are happy vegans somewhere.

–Trolley Dodgers–

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