by Jeff

About Jeff

Jeff Stanger is an author and fundraising consultant as well as the answer to several obscure trivia questions. He writes for food and occasionally for spite.

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A Partnership Venture, Russian Collusion, and Powerful Headwear

A Partnership Venture, Russian Collusion, and Powerful Headwear

I’m simply bursting with excitement! Look at the email I just got!
Dear Sir
It is with great regards and respect to your personality that i send you this message, I want to suggest to you that I am planning to visit your country and will like to meet you upon arrival for a partnership venture that may interest you. Please indicate your interest by your reply so that will I know how to plan my trip. Thanks and I hope to hearing from you.
Warm Regards
Mr Klovic Diamond
Can you believe it? A “partnership venture with Klovic Diamond! I don’t have any idea who he is but with a name like that, he must be important. Of course, he also sounds like a Bond villain. Which means he may have either a henchman bodyguard or a femme fatale assistant. Either way, they’re coming to America and they want me to engage in some sort of “partnership venture.” (For the record, my wife says that if it is indeed a femme fatale assistant that a partnership venture is strictly out of the question. She seems ambivalent to the henchman bodyguard.)
I wonder if this has anything to do with the Russian collusion stuff going on. Maybe I will be forced to appear in front of Robert Mueller. If so, I plan to ask him a few questions of my own. Starting with, “Isn’t this whole thing about American jealousy of Russia’s tradition of amazingly powerful headwear?”
Carry on, Citizens!
Regarding Regards

Regarding Regards

Someone sent met their warmest regards today. Do you realize what that means? Those regards can’t be any warmer! If they were, they would be hot regards. And you know that hot regards wouldn’t be appropriate in a business setting. I think we’ve all seen what sending your hottest regards can lead to in Hollywood, Government, the Today Show…

But these were warmest regards. The best regards you can get and not wind up on TMZ. It made me wonder if this person has ever sent lesser regards. Or do they just toss out their warmest regards willy-nilly? If I hadn’t been so helpful, would I have received just “regards” —the room temperature of regards? Maybe not.

I wonder if this person has ever sent cold regards? Or their “chilliest regards?” Can you imagine getting someone’s “chilliest regards?” I think I’m going to write my Congress Mammal and sign it with my chilliest regards. She hasn’t done a whole lot to impress me. But what if that woke her up? What if she read that and thought, “chilliest regards? That can’t be good. That kind of thing could spread and I would have to leave Washington DC and do something with my life. No, this won’t do. I better do something to impress that Stanger guy in my district. I know, I’ll introduce a bill to make Opening Day of baseball season a National Holiday. That would sure warm up his regards!”

And that’s how you get results people! So send out some chilliest regards to those who deserve it. And some warm ones to those who have earned it as well.

Carry on, Citizens!

The Hotel West Virginia (Pain it Forward)

The Hotel West Virginia (Pain it Forward)

You’ve heard the phrase “pay it forward?” This isn’t one of those stories. This is “pain it forward” story. Maybe after you read it, you can relate.

So, I’m checking into a hotel in Morgantown, West Virginia. After the usual presenting of the identification, dispensing of the keys, and whatnot, the person helping stepped from behind the counter to point out the elevator and amenities. When she got to the fitness facilities, things went off the rails. She went from “the elevators are over there to the left,” to saying, “and if you’re interested,” paused, glanced me up and down, “we have a fitness center.”

She didn’t even bother to tell me where it was! She was so sure I wouldn’t get anywhere near there, that she skipped the directions. Now, of course, I wasn’t planning to go, but she didn’t know that. And yes, I’m out of shape. But for all she knew, I could have been halfway to some spectacular weight loss goal (I’m not).

Now what honked me off even more was there was a woman in line next to me who got a completely different treatment. She looked like a fitness model. She was even wearing fitness apparel! The guy helping her practically offered to escort to the gym, hold the towel, and punch the buttons on the treadmill for her.

America’s Most Dangerous Communicable Disease

America’s Most Dangerous Communicable Disease

Last week I went to Penn Station for lunch. Since then I’ve been hiding out mostly. Trying to keep out of public places and away from people. There’s a dangerous bug going around and it’s infecting people of all races, creeds, orientations, and shoe size. This illness I speak of, the one that keeps me up at night: stupidity.

The guy in line behind me argued with the young lady behind the register because he didn’t feel he was given an option for a cold vs hot sub. He said the option wasn’t given to him by the person who took his order and he wanted a cold sub. The sub he ordered: The Philly Cheesesteak. Who the hell orders a COLD Philly cheesesteak? How does one make a COLD Phily? Do you serve it raw? (Remember, Penn Station grills the meat to order). Do you cook it and then let it sit for a half hour? Do you throw it in the fridge? What kind of person orders such a thing?

(I want to go on record before moving any further and state that the employee did a monumental job of showing both patience and restraint in the face of wanton pinheadery. She deserves to be Employee of the Month. Had I been behind the counter, I might have been tempted to waterboard him with the fresh squeezed lemonade.) 

After she her initial explanation to him, I didn’t stick around to learn the outcome. This affliction he was carrying is catching. I wanted out of there as fast as I could. As much as I wanted to help the girl explain to him the physics of the oven that his sandwich was already in or the dangers of raw meat being consumed with his cheese, peppers, and onions, I had to go.

I feel I made the right choice. When it comes to you and your brain, it’s every man, woman, and whatever sentient being Miley Cyrus believes she is this week, for his, her, or itself. Besides, the headlines are full of stupid this week. A couple of YouTubers decided to up their ratings by seeing if a book could stop a bullet. Spoiler alert, the bullet won.

It has infected the radio industry this week as well. A music coordinator from an LA radio station contacted Annie Lennox and told her that she “had potential” and she should send her an mp3 for her program director to have a listen. Dear God! I’m not even an Annie Lennox fan and I’m appalled.

And do I have to even go into what’s going on in Washington DC? Sorry folks but every person running around with either a D or an R next to their names have completely lost their minds! Stupidity is America’s number one communicable disease. So avoid stupid. Or you will become stupid! Now, I have to go reheat my Philly Cheesesteak.

Carry on, Citizens!


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