by Jeff

About Jeff

Jeff Stanger is an author and fundraising consultant as well as the answer to several obscure trivia questions. He writes for food and occasionally for spite.

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The Hotel West Virginia (Pain it Forward)

The Hotel West Virginia (Pain it Forward)

You’ve heard the phrase “pay it forward?” This isn’t one of those stories. This is “pain it forward” story. Maybe after you read it, you can relate.

So, I’m checking into a hotel in Morgantown, West Virginia. After the usual presenting of the identification, dispensing of the keys, and whatnot, the person helping stepped from behind the counter to point out the elevator and amenities. When she got to the fitness facilities, things went off the rails. She went from “the elevators are over there to the left,” to saying, “and if you’re interested,” paused, glanced me up and down, “we have a fitness center.”

She didn’t even bother to tell me where it was! She was so sure I wouldn’t get anywhere near there, that she skipped the directions. Now, of course, I wasn’t planning to go, but she didn’t know that. And yes, I’m out of shape. But for all she knew, I could have been halfway to some spectacular weight loss goal (I’m not).

Now what honked me off even more was there was a woman in line next to me who got a completely different treatment. She looked like a fitness model. She was even wearing fitness apparel! The guy helping her practically offered to escort to the gym, hold the towel, and punch the buttons on the treadmill for her.

America’s Most Dangerous Communicable Disease

America’s Most Dangerous Communicable Disease

Last week I went to Penn Station for lunch. Since then I’ve been hiding out mostly. Trying to keep out of public places and away from people. There’s a dangerous bug going around and it’s infecting people of all races, creeds, orientations, and shoe size. This illness I speak of, the one that keeps me up at night: stupidity.

The guy in line behind me argued with the young lady behind the register because he didn’t feel he was given an option for a cold vs hot sub. He said the option wasn’t given to him by the person who took his order and he wanted a cold sub. The sub he ordered: The Philly Cheesesteak. Who the hell orders a COLD Philly cheesesteak? How does one make a COLD Phily? Do you serve it raw? (Remember, Penn Station grills the meat to order). Do you cook it and then let it sit for a half hour? Do you throw it in the fridge? What kind of person orders such a thing?

(I want to go on record before moving any further and state that the employee did a monumental job of showing both patience and restraint in the face of wanton pinheadery. She deserves to be Employee of the Month. Had I been behind the counter, I might have been tempted to waterboard him with the fresh squeezed lemonade.) 

After she her initial explanation to him, I didn’t stick around to learn the outcome. This affliction he was carrying is catching. I wanted out of there as fast as I could. As much as I wanted to help the girl explain to him the physics of the oven that his sandwich was already in or the dangers of raw meat being consumed with his cheese, peppers, and onions, I had to go.

I feel I made the right choice. When it comes to you and your brain, it’s every man, woman, and whatever sentient being Miley Cyrus believes she is this week, for his, her, or itself. Besides, the headlines are full of stupid this week. A couple of YouTubers decided to up their ratings by seeing if a book could stop a bullet. Spoiler alert, the bullet won.

It has infected the radio industry this week as well. A music coordinator from an LA radio station contacted Annie Lennox and told her that she “had potential” and she should send her an mp3 for her program director to have a listen. Dear God! I’m not even an Annie Lennox fan and I’m appalled.

And do I have to even go into what’s going on in Washington DC? Sorry folks but every person running around with either a D or an R next to their names have completely lost their minds! Stupidity is America’s number one communicable disease. So avoid stupid. Or you will become stupid! Now, I have to go reheat my Philly Cheesesteak.

Carry on, Citizens!


I Bought A Chore

I Bought A Chore

A few nights ago, we made a trip to Lowes. Or maybe it was Home Depot. It’s all a blur. We went to purchase a new lawnmower. Its predecessor had a broken axle and had to be put down. I wanted to shoot it, but apparently, that sort of thing is frowned upon in our community. I even called the police to confirm. They confirmed. Then they asked me a lot of questions. Finally, I asked them if the axle breaking could have been the result of foul play. They suggested I watch too many cop shows and referred me to a therapist.

FKA Announce Intent to Protest in Washington This Week

FKA Announce Intent to Protest in Washington This Week

The Future Karnies of America (sic) have announced they will descend on Washington this week to protest a full slate of grievances. According to Skeeter McGlaughlin, current FKA President, Spokesperson, and Tilt-a-Whirl Historian, the group will be protesting:

President Elect Donald Trump: “We can no longer contain our anger at Donald Trump for killing Carnie Apprentice. It was our idea first. We had a network deal in hand and he came in with his flashy big city suit and spectacular hair and swept NBC off their feet. We won’t forget. We can’t forget!”

Outgoing President Barack Obama: “He pardoned Chelsea Manning and Chelsea Manning helped Edward Snowden. Long before she hacked the government, she hacked the Carnies. She knows things. Carnie things. She must be stopped.”

Lena Dunham: “We’re pretty sure she did something.”

PETA: They killed the Circus. Wait, that helps us. Less competition next summer. But they bitch about our goldfish ball toss. We’ll get back to you on PETA.”

There you have it. The Carnies are angry. They will be out in force this week in Washington. You’ve been warned.

Carry on, Citizens!

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