Free Fiction Friday: Forks

Free Fiction Friday: Forks

international_silver_queen_s_fancy_stainless_satin_black_accent_fork_P0000043228S0052T2Claudia Marie and Eleanor Grace surveyed the damage below them. Chairs were broken. Dishes were shattered. A butler sobbed as he pulled a silver fork from his left buttock. Where only ten minutes before sat thirty dinner guests, now only the injured butler remained. He was surrounded by unrecognizable puddles of sauces, chunks of meat (from a variety of animals) and of course, blood. The cause of this unseemly madness and the subsequent end of the dinner party was the handiwork of  the two smartly dressed and deliciously wicked women who now gazed down upon the mess.

“Did I see the Ambassador plunge his steak knife into the General from France?” asked Eleanor.

Claudia beamed with pride. “Yes, you did. If fate smiles upon us, their countries will be at war within a fortnight.”

“Do you think so?”

“I do, with all my heart. And then I will be known as a woman who can start a war. What could be more wicked than starting a war? Why it’s the most unsavory thing of all! This will move me even closer to the top.”

“The top?”

“Yes, the top! The top of the list of Most Unsavory Characters in All of Europe. It is the station in life that I aspire to, more than anything else in the world.”

“Who keeps the list?”

“What a silly question.”

“Why, don’t you know the answer?”

“Well of course I do. It’s the league. The League of Unsavory Characters.”

“There’s a League? It sounds too chummy for people who do things that are evil.”

“Of course there’s a league. How else would we measure ourselves against other unsavory people?”

“I suppose you’re right. Where do you meet?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Why not?”

“Because joining the League of Unsavory Characters requires a certain level of secrecy. By all accounts, I shouldn’t have told you it even exists.”

“Why did you?”

“Because you’re my cousin and my friend and you had that pathetic look you get when you want to know something.”

“That was very kind of you to tell me. I do appreciate it.”

“See, that’s the very type of thing that is keeping me from the top of the list. Kindness. The only way I’m going to move up is for doing something doubly evil to counteract being nice to you.”

Eleanor looked back down at the destruction below. “That was pretty evil.”

“Yes, but I did something kind afterwards and quite frankly, it’s making it hard for me to be proud of the work we have done.”

“I’m sorry I caused you to do something kind. How can I make it up to you?”

“Did you steal any of the silver?”

“Of course.”

“Hand me a fork.”

Eleanor produced a silver fork from her bag and handed it to Claudia. “What are you going to do?”

“The butler has another cheek,” she replied.

by Jeff

Jeff Stanger is an author and fundraising consultant as well as the answer to several obscure trivia questions. He writes for food and occasionally for spite. Google+

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