Dear Warner Brothers,
I understand he’s coming back. And I’m not sure it’s a good thing. You have officially announced that the remake of Godzilla will be released in 2014. If there is any justice in this world, it won’t be like that abomination released in 1998 staring Mathew Broderick. Sure, it was slick and shiny with popular actors and all sorts of contemporary special effects. Yet, it displeased me greatly. It not only displeased me, it offended me to the core. For Pete’s sake, they had Godzilla laying eggs and hatching babies! Godzilla was not put on this earth to have babies and be a mom! Godzilla is here to wreak havoc, destroy cities, and breath radioactive fire .
I want retro Godzilla! I want the acting to be so bad that it makes me laugh. I want the audio track to be a half second off the actors, just like the Godzilla movies from my childhood. I want Godzilla destroying Japanese cities that look like 2 middle school kids made them the night before they were due.
And for the love of God, THIS is what Godzilla should look like:
To sum up: Godzilla should be an actor in a suit (not CGI), destroying plastic models of Tokyo (not CGI New York), while actors whose names nobody will ever remember deliver their lines with a 1.5 second delay. Thank you for considering my request.
Carry on, movie executive Citizens!
PS: Take your cues from this video, quite possible the greatest ever made.
Jeff Stanger is an author, talk show host, professional fundraiser, and the answer to several obscure trivia questions. He writes for food and occasionally for spite. Google+