I’ve been thinking about the upcoming Disney-fied versions of Star Wars that are scheduled for 2015. If you haven’t heard, George Lucas sold the rights to the Star Wars franchise for enough money to build his own working Death Star. With the rights in hand, Disney intends to release a new Star Wars trilogy that takes place after Return of the Jedi. Fan reaction is mixed, with some excited to have 3 new movies and others afraid of what the Mouse might do to the Force. Personally, I don’t think they could do worse than the Dawson’s Creek In Space we had to endure via Episodes 1-3.
I’ve also been thinking about how to have a new Star Wars trilogy that in short, doesn’t suck. To do so, there is really only one answer: I should write the script. Hence, I would like you Citizens to be my focus group. What follows are my thoughts for the new series. Let me know if this is the type of Star Wars you would like to see.
- Darth Simmons: Yes, I would bring Gene Simmons in full KISS makeup to be a Sith Lord. Rather than the esoteric Force Choke that Vadar always used, he would breath fire on rebels and insolent storm troopers.
- Darth Vadar: It’s SciFi and cloning is like going to 7-11. Somebody goes to Endor, digs up Vadar’s corpse, and with enough DNA brings his bad self back. I’m not talking about the repentant father Vadar from Return of the Jedi or the moody Dawson’s Creek character version from Revenge of the Sith. I’m talking total bad-ass Vadar with no conscience and no qualms about blowing up a planet or an entire star system just to make his grand-son giggle.
- Darth Mickey: Okay, this isn’t so much as a character as it is a toy for Vadar’s grandson, Verne Skywalker-Solo. Turns out Leia was a great rebel but a crappy mom. Han never really lost his taste for Tatooine bar skanks and that drove Leia to drinking and wishing she had left his ass frozen in carbon. At any rate, Vadar decides his first order of business after being resurrected is to save the infant Verne from a life mediocrity (for Pete’s sake, they named him Verne!) and raise him as a Sith. Darth Mickey is just a play toy and a nod to the product placement that must occur in order to pay for the large budget because this movie has…
- Death Star 3! The third installment of the Death Star will be so freaking big that it has it’s own moon! That’s right, DS3 (as Darth calls it) has rings like Saturn, it’s own moon, and over 4,000 Starbucks locations. The new Empire will not fear a devastating Rebel attack because Darth Simmons has captured Ewoks, Gungans, and all of the other cute-yet-annoying-to-the-point-of-ridiculous-characters from the first six movies and is holding them hostage. Ewoks are both slave labor and taco meat on DS3.
In Star Wars Episode VII- Rise of the New Empire, Darth Vadar is consolidating power, conquering worlds, and pretty much running around the galaxy being evil and awesome. Leia hasn’t seen Han since she threw him out after she found him with an alien hooker. Chewbacca has been dressing in drag and hanging out in opium dens. Let’s just say time hasn’t been good to the stars of the previous movies. Vadar, as a grandfather raising his grandson because his kids are too irresponsible, will play with many in today’s audiences. Luke’s story is just as tragic. He’s been institutionalized for Jedi dementia. There’s nothing scarier than an aging Jedi using the force to move things that aren’t supposed to be moved like load bearing walls because “by God I know that wall wasn’t there yesterday!” After cutting down an entire forest with his light saber, all the while thinking he was fighting a clone army, Luke was sent to a home.
From this back-story, we introduce new characters. Most of Star Wars 7 will take place on an Interplanetary Casino Cruiser called the SS Deviant Wookie. Darth Simmons is the casino boss on the Deviant Wookie and this is where Vadar recruits him. Also working on the Deviant Wookie is our heroine, Princess (cause all Disney movies must have Princesses) Light Saber. She’s not really a princess, but it’s a great stage name for an exotic dancer. Anyway, Princes Light Saber’s real name is Alexis Solo and yes, she’s one of the 234 kids fathered by the man-whore Han Solo. Alexis is also a spy for the up and coming Rebel Alliance Part 2. The whole reason for the Rebel Alliance part 2 is that power in the galaxy has degenerated into the same sort of political inertia we have today in the U.S. Special interests dominate, the middle class have no voice, and nobody seems to know what to do about this crazy-ass Darth Vadar clone who blows up worlds on pay-per-view. It’s a great time for an up and coming spy to make her mark on the galaxy.
New Cute Characters Added in a Blatant Attempt to Attract More Kids:
None. Not one. Remember, Ewoks are taco meat in this one.
I don’t want to give away too much yet, but I would love your feedback. Let me know what you think. If you really like it, let Disney know you want me to write the next Star Wars. Seriously, could I possibly do worse than the Phantom Menace? Exactly!
Carry on, Citizens!