How Lance Armstrong Can Regain His Honor and Erase the National Debt

****Breaking News*****

We interrupt this blog post to bring you the following news: Frank and Claudine Upchurch of Excelsior, MN have been identified as the two people in the United States who were completely floored by this week’s news of Lance Armstrong admitting to doping. The CDC has taken blood samples from the family in order to determine if such naivety is contagious. “He seemed like such a decent young man. I don’t know what to make of it. Next, they’ll probably tell me he didn’t even deliver the mail.” ~Claudine Upchurch

****Back to our regularly scheduled tomfoolery****

ceasers600The Lance Armstrong confession is in. Livsestrong is now Fakestrong. And Nike now has 3 buildings named after sports heroes that have fallen from grace. What’s a country to do? What’s a Lance to do? How can he regain his honor after such a fall? And how can I —I mean we benefit? We here at Carry On Citizens have given it much thought and have come up with a stellar idea: Make Lance take steroids and jump stuff!

Back in the 70′s, we had Evel Knievel. Evel used to jump things on a beautiful red, white, and blue motorcycle. He jumped buses, cars, even the Grand Canyon! Of course, his jumping lead to all sorts of accidents and injuries. Knievel died in 2007 and as of this writing, continues to maintain his deadness. As such, the world has a gaping need of someone who will jump things without regard to life or limb. That’s where Lance comes in.

I say we make Lance our National Dare Devil. He’s been a complete bully to everyone that hinted he might be cheating, so let’s re-channel that roid rage into something useful. Let him take all the performance enhancing pills he wants, so long as he gets out there and performs. For example, I would like to see him jump a dozen US Post Office Trucks while on a 2 seater motorized bike with Newman from Seinfeld on the back.

All proceeds would go towards the National Debt. I’m sure a year or two of Lance jumping stuff at state fairs and monster truck rallies could put a huge dent in the debt. Merchandising, TV rights, and pay-per-view are just a few of the ways we could capitalize on this as a nation. So pop some pills and get ready, Lance. You’ve got some performing to do.

Carry on, Citizens!

 

by Jeff

Jeff Stanger is an author, talk show host, professional fundraiser, and the answer to several obscure trivia questions. He writes for food and occasionally for spite. Google+

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