I’m Giving Away Maine. (Or One of the Dakota’s)

I’ve been thinking long and hard about the fiscal cliff. It keeps me up at night. According to our elected leaders (And they NEVER lie) we’re all about to go over this fiscal cliff. And even though they have all sorts of doomsday scenarios about what will happen when we plunge into the fiscal abyss, nobody seems to be able to tell me where the cliff actually is!

I looked on my map of the United States. I unfolded it and spread it on my floor. I put on my good glasses (you know, the new ones with the punk rock guitars inside) and searched intently. Nothing. No cliff. Lots of little towns named Springfield. Lots of rivers and highways and places of interest. No cliff.

I decided the cliff was probably worn off because this map had been folded and unfolded lots of times. So, I went to almighty Google. No cliff. Lots of articles and pictures of politicians. No cliff. I found Cliff Clavin. But no fiscal cliff.

But wait! This is the 21st Century! We have Google Maps and Google Earth! Google Earth will show me the fiscal cliff.

New tab. Type my keywords. Hit enter. No cliff.

What should I make of this? There must be a cliff. It’s been on the news for weeks! I began to realize that the location of this cliff must be top secret. Where would I hide a top secret cliff? Maine. Nobody would suspect Maine —what with the lobsters and the picturesque scenery. But remember: They’re practically Canadian!

Or maybe, it’s one of the Dakotas. They seem safe and even patriotic with Mt. Rushmore. But guess what? They’re practically Canadian!

I’m convinced that the fiscal cliff is somewhere in Maine or one of the Dakotas. And somehow if the Democrats and Republicans don’t come to an agreement, all 300+ million of us are going to be hurled over the cliff (probably by Canadians).

So, I am invoking a little-known Citizen right called the Right to Give Away Stuff! President Carter gave away the Panama Canal. The French gave away the Statue of Liberty. Mean Joe Green gave away his jersey. And Bilbo gave away the Ring of Power (nerd alert). You can clearly see, that it’s perfectly proper to give things away. So, I’m giving away Maine. Or one of the Dakotas. Please hurry and claim them. We’re running out of time before the whole country will be tossed into the abyss by Canadians.

Carry on, Citizens!

*Citizen Bonus: Mouse over the Cliff Clavin Link. The first person can tell me the premise of the Cheers episode that the quote is from, will win a t-shirt.

by Jeff

Jeff Stanger is an author, talk show host, professional fundraiser, and the answer to several obscure trivia questions. He writes for food and occasionally for spite. Google+

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