Somebody put me on an Occupy Wall Street mailing list. And a Black Women’s Socialist networking mailing list.  I’ve also been put on a community organizer list and an anger management list. All of these have happened in the last 7-10 days. Obviously, none of these folks read my blog!

They must have missed my frequent run-ins with PETA. (I love animals, especially the tasty ones.) They must have missed my bid to become Emperor of the United States (a lot of Obama and McCain voters are regretting not making me Emperor these days). And they most certainly missed the back cover of my novel Trolley Dodgers. It clearly shows that I’m not a black woman. 

I have come to realize that the Occupy movement has generated a lot of attention —and in the book selling world, attention is gold! And being the shameless free market capitalist that I am, I feel the need to capitalize on this opportunity. So, I’ve decided to give the various sub-cultures of the Occupy movement plenty of reasons to protest me.

1. Hipsters- Hipsters are still a little hacked that I called the faux-hawk the mullet of the new millennium. Trust me, this look is going to come back and bite some people about the time their kids pull out the year books. So, go ahead, shoot protest the messenger.

2. Unions- The labor movement should protest me because I know exactly where Jimmy Hoffa is hiding. Notice I said hiding instead of buried. That’s because since 2006, Jimmy has been working as a manservant in my home. He answers to the name Shamus and I routinely make him work 10 hour shifts while providing no benefits.

3. Corporate Haters- I’m typing this on a Mac, made by the uber-corporation known as Apple. I will continue to write on my Mac until you can show me a computer whose parts are organically grown, assembled in a free range factory that has zero carbon footprint and is powered by pixie dust and Coldplay songs, with unionized workers that only have to work 6 minutes a week and can never be fired, even if they sacrifice a goat, and who enjoy same species benefits and unlimited Yoohoo in the break room. (Management apologizes for the ridiculously long preceding sentence.)

4. Anarchists- Actually, I’m protesting you. I’m protesting all “ists.” I am protesting you because if you ever succeed, there won’t be baseball. And if there’s no baseball, there’s no Game 6. And if there’s no Game 6, then life would stink as bad most of you did on day 39 of sleeping in your own filth in Zuccatti Park.

5. Activists- Congrats! You protested and lived like homeless people long enough to cost local businesses nearly half a million dollars —which may turn their owners into actual homeless people! So please, protest the hell out of me. I think it will help me sell more books. I’m going to use the profits to help homeless people —the real ones, not the pseudo-intellectual ones.

Click to enlarge.

Carry on, Citizens!