Have you ever watched performance art? It’s kind of like seeing a UFO. You know you saw something, you’re just not sure what it was or if it was really art. If performance art makes you feel that way, you’re really going to be scratching your head over this one: A woman in New York is going to turn the birth of her child into performance art.

Marni Kotak is calling her show The Birth of Baby X. I’m assuming the baby will appreciate the title years later, as it will help hide his/her identity from the relentless teasing in high school. This probably comes as no surprise, but she won’t have a traditional maternity team with her. Instead, she will have a midwife, a doula (Greek for woman who’s Birkenstocks are about to get messy), and an inflatable birthing tub. Experts are already arguing about whether this is truly art or exploitation. So, of course I felt compelled to weigh in…

The Wikipedia definition of Performance Art is:

In art, performance art is a performance presented to an audience, traditionally interdisciplinary. Performance may be either scripted or unscripted, random or carefully orchestrated; spontaneous or otherwise carefully planned with or without audience participation.

With such a loose definition, I can safely say that 76% of my life is performance art. With that in mind, I’m going to start selling tickets to my various daily activities. If you would like to see me sleep, tickets are on sale for $22. Balcony seats are only $15 (Yes, my bedroom has balcony seating). I can only sell tickets for the sleeping shows —something about zoning laws prevents anything else.

For $8 you can watch me eat breakfast. The breakfast show is free if you actually bring breakfast. Watching me take on Tim McCarver MST3K style will set you back $20. Of course, that gets you whatever baseball watching edibles I’m consuming, so it’s a pretty good deal. You can watch me fold clothes for $7. I’ll throw in the ironing for free.

If you would like watch me write a blog post, that will set you back $50. For $150, I will come to your house and write a blog post in your living room! And if you want the ultimate package, for $500 I will come to your house, eat your food, write a blog post, and tweet funny remarks about your family pictures from your couch. I’ll even donate half to School on Wheels.

So, there are plenty of ways to get the Jeff experience. We have options for every budget. And you won’t have to clean your shoes.

Carry on, Citizens!
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