There are 292 messages in my Spam folder tonight. They range from the absurd to the offensive (not unlike Helen Thomas), but they have one thing in common: all have some of the worst headline writing of all-time! Whether it’s incoherent gibberish or just horrible grammar, spam is the train wreck of the written word. I’m horrified, but I can’t look away.

So, here is a sampling of today’s spam:

Valk Shively wrote to me to say, “of it. Then she thou.”  I’m not sure what she’s going to “thou.”  And I’m really not sure what kind of name “Valk” is. It sounds like the name of a really tough guy, or maybe a nihilist.

Mark Denno writes, “Ts of her industry. She wanted her people. h.” I wonder what the “Ts of her industry” are…

Lance Hensley has announced that “the tablets of happiness are here.” I could use some tablets of happiness!

Do you ever get the bogus Facebook friend request spam?  Tonight, Facebook has written to tell me that Angelina Jolie wants to be my friend. I don’t think this is really from Facebook. And I doubt Angelina is buttering me up to play Kate in the movie version of Trolley Dodgers. I think she could play Maple, however.

Chipman Tuckey sent me a message that, “imitation that the art of building.” First, I think Chipman Tuckey is a great name. I think I will use it in a book someday. Second, I think this might be a coded message from a secret agent. He may be planning the overthrow of some third world country. Maybe I should open this email…

GetViagrafromPhiser is offering me 77% off Viagra. I’m not falling for that, because OrderViagraOnline is offering me 80% off. I’m holding out for 85%.

Sidney McNalley has sent me a Windows Security Alert. I have a Mac, Sidney. But thanks for the heads up.

Sister Josiane Benson from the Ivory Coast wants to wire me $7.5 million dollars. I asked if I could have it pennies. She hasn’t responded.

Will Baty writes, in what could only be described as an ode to copywriting while on acid, “me pay for fittin’ this here Fox patrol out with uniforms. that’s my ijee b.” I’m glad Will is paying, because I really don’t have the cash for “fittin” an entire Fox Patrol. I wonder what kind of uniforms they wear?

That’s all the spam I can share tonight. I have to order my tablets of happiness now, because “that’s my ijee b.”

Carry on, Citizens!