I could have done a 2009 Year In Review post, but that would have required me to actually do research and this is, in fact, a holiday. Besides, I was out until 3am ringing in the New Year with a screening of Inglorious Basterds (“Frankly, watchin’ Donny beat Nazis to death is is the closest we ever get to goin’ to the movies.”~Lt. Aldo Raine). It was an odd way of finishing off 2009, but it was an odd year.

Anyway, as I did in 2008, I wanted to be the first to write a 2010 year in review. So, 364 days early, here’s what happened in 2010.

January:

• The Association of University Scientists Who SWEAR Global Warming is Real announce their annual meeting in Kansas City is canceled due to a blizzard.
• During the State of the Union Address, President Obama announces that GM will reintroduce the Chevy Vega. He also announces his desire to “address the single American problem, now that Health Care has been solved.”

February:

• On Groundhog Day, PETA protests using animals to predict the weather in Punxsutawney, PA. The Groundhog predicts 6 more weeks of winter, then gnaws the leg off of one of the protesters. Video of the attack gets 7.5 million hits on YouTube.
• Fearing a drop in romance due to the Great Recession, Congress announces a Cash For Cupid Program. Tax credits are given for the purchase of red roses, heart shaped candy boxes, and those chalk tasting little candies with stupid little phrases like “Be Mine” on them.
• Singles Against Discrimination (S.A.D.) files a lawsuit against the government for not being able to take advantage of Cash for Cupid. Congress amends the program adding a Cash for Internet Dating Program. The President hails the legislation as the first step towards getting all 101 million single Americans a date by Memorial Day.

March:

• In a stunning display of political correctness gone wrong, members of the House and Senate announce that St. Patrick’s Day should be spectrum neutral and refuse to wear green. Tea Party activists refer to themselves as the Green Tea Party for one day in protest. 98% of Americans ignore both of them.
• 3 days into Spring Training, the Padres announce that they are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
• Upon realizing that Cash For Cupid and Cash for Internet Dating aren’t budget neutral, President Obama sells North Dakota to Canada.

April

• Kentucky wins the National Championship in basketball. Investigators announce that recruiting violations will force them to vacate the championship only hours later. John Calipari celebrates the third Final Four he “didn’t go to” by going to Disney World.
• Led Jeffelin announces they will reform and go on tour.

May

• President Obama announces his Get All the Single People a Date program is successful. Republicans claim that 23 million people still have not been on a date. The administration later admits to counting all of Paris Hilton’s dates twice.

June:

• Hank Blevins of Utica, NY successfully friends everyone on Facebook.
• In-fighting and a tour bus with a faulty toilet force the Led Jeffelin tour to cancel several shows.

July

• Apple announces a new rotary iPhone for retro hipsters. It sells out in less than a day, but users are furious when they find that a woman in Mayberry, NC named Sarah must connect them to all their calls.
• Led Jeffelin plays to a crowd of 100,000 in Central Park.

August:

• A 96 degree day in St. Louis prompts Al Gore to hold a press conference to announce Global Warming is real. And he REALLY means it this time.
• Congress passes the first piece of legislation that every man, woman, and child in North America agrees with: The banning of the Geico Caveman commercials from television.

September:

• The government announces that now that they have fixed everyone up in America on a date, it’s time to start working on that second date.
• Led Jeffelin announces that the tour has prompted them to go back into the studio and record their first album in 23 years.

October:

• The Yankees win another World Series in front of a crowd of 17 people.
• Approximately 93 percent of American teenagers dress up as a Twilight character for Halloween. The cool 7 percent toilet paper their houses.

November:

• In a shocking political development, the Libertarian Party captures the majority of seats in the House and Senate.
• President Obama pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, but Vice President Biden accidentally backs over it with his car.
• The Detroit Lions lose on Thanksgiving Day again.

December

• Congress announces a Cash for Christmas campaign and gives tax credits for people buying Christmas presents. This prompts Jews, Muslims, Pagans, and the guy who invented Festivus to demand their own tax credits. The Administration announces, they will give tax credits to anyone who buys anything for any reason in December.
• The Great Recession officially ends, but the U.S. Debt is so high that we have give California to China for collateral.
• Hank Blevins successfully follows everyone on Twitter.

Carry on, Citizens! And Happy New Year.