Dear American Citizen,

Thank you for visiting your Government approved health care provider last summer. We’re pleased to announce that after much deliberation, our panel of experts has determined you may have contracted one of the following afflictions:

a) Lou Gehrig’s disease

b) Male pattern baldness

c) Coulrophobia

d) Mopery

Even though we’re pretty darn certain that it’s one of these, we want you to participate in your health care. So, please circle the condition that most closely resembles your symptoms. If you’re unclear about which one to pick, please call our toll free number 1-800 YRU-SICK extension 74. After the approximately 14 minute wait, please select your symptoms from the menu.

Once you have selected your affliction, please return this form so we can schedule a follow-up visit with your physician in the month of your birth. If you feel your condition can’t wait until the month of your birth, you can fill out IRS Form OMG-5150 to apply for a line cut. (Please allow 4-6 weeks for us to process your request for a line cut.) If your self-diagnosis is wrong, remember we reserve the right to sue you for malpractice.  (Hey, we’re not going to take responsibility, that’s why we gave you 4 options. We learned our lesson from the Veteran’s Lou Gehrig’s disease fiasco.)

Thank you for choosing your taxpayer funded Public Option Health Care! We look forward to continuing to serve you when we get around to it.

Sincerely,

Vernon P. Whip

Director of Public Health Care – motto: Fighting Disease with Bureaucracy Since 2010.

Carry on, Citizens!