America is in decline. It’s not because of the economy. It’s not because of health care reform. And it’s not because of our current or former President. It’s because we’ve abandoned hats.

No, I’m not talking baseball hats. Americans still wear baseball style hats, but Hip Hop has sort of killed the nostalgic cool factor. I am referring to the power hats that used to define world leaders. Hats like this:

Do you think Kaiser Wilhelm would have made Kaiser without a hat like this? Of course not! This hat SCREAMS head of state!

Of course, the German Revolution marked the end of the Kaisers. Why? Because he stopped wearing the furry skull hat (as I like to call it) and started wearing a felt alpine hat. You can’t properly govern a country and look like an extra from the Sound of Music.

Genghis Khan was, pound for pound, our most fearsome Khan. He wore very powerful headwear, but always accessorized with a feather or two. This made him very popular with the Mongolian ladies. I tried this look once. I’m still single.

Russian style hats are very powerful and look equally good on women. This makes them the perfect hats for the World Domination minded lady. I think our first female President of the United States will wear one of these. In fact, I think the sole reason Hillary Clinton failed to get the Democratic nomination is her refusal to wear a Russian hat. Bonnie Bernstien should run for President wearing this hat.  I would quite my job just to work for her campaign.

I’ve given much thought to the type of hat that would best enable me to take over the world, and I’ve settled on the Marvin the Martian helmet. It’s powerful and green -a combination that I believe will ensure my success.

Do you have a hat that you think will help you take over a country, continent, or your local PTA? Send me a picture. Or better yet, send me the hat.

Carry on, Citizens!