After 20+ straight days of Health Care Reform and Michael Jackson, I’ve stopped reading the news. Okay, I still read the odd news. It’s one of the few places an American’s can still laugh on a regular basis. And that’s where I found today’s gems.

Odd Gem #1: Reuters is reporting that a Dutch animal rights activist known as the “vegan streaker” has been arrested for plotting an attack on the Queen for wearing fur. Ironically, she was planning on attacking him for showing his…

Now, there are several disturbing things in this story, not the least of which is Queen’s name: Beatrix. I would think that when one rises to the elevated stature of say, Queen, one would be able to discard silly names given by parents with an unwavering desire to have their daughter’s name end in “x.” (I need a nap after that sentence.)

Secondly, he was accused of planning to bring a gun to the attack. This begs the question, “where would he have hidden the gun while riding the subway en route to the Queen?” That led to my next question -”Does Amsterdam have subways and if so, can you ride naked?”

Peter Janssen is the “vegan streaker” accused of the plot. He was arrested once before for breaking onto the set of a talk show with “stop animal suffering” painted on his chest. I agree with him to a point: I’m against humans suffering after seeing naked vegans bust in on the news or attack our Queens, no matter how silly their names are.

Odd Gem #2: Would you eat camel’s milk chocolate? If you answered yes, that’s great because it means I don’t have to. Al Nassma (literally: “This has what in it??) is a Dubai company that started making chocolate from camel’s milk a few years ago. It’s so popular, they are expanding to Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and the United States. The company has 3,000 camels working day and night to provide 100 tons of chocolate per year.

Now, I hope you read the two stories above and came to the same obvious conclusion that I did: Why isn’t Peter Janssen attacking Al Nassma? Let’s face it, that mink is already dead and Beatrix needs it to comfort her from all the playground teasing she endured as a kid. The camels, on the other hand, are still alive and are being treated like cows! How humiliating it must be to be a camel that is being exploited for milk rather than being exploited as an extra in The Mummy 4: We Promise This One Won’t Suck?

So, I’m hoping when Mr. Janssen gets out of jail, we see him naked and protesting in Dubai. Let’s hope he remembers to wear sunscreen.

Carry on, Citizens!