Jennifer Figge is a fraud. She really didn’t become the first woman to swim the Atlantic.  Turns out, Michael Phelps (with or without the aid of cannibus) couldn’t swim that far that fast. And of course, the AP should have known that, but journalistic standards have dropped lower than Pam Anderson’s neckline at a heavy metal concert.

But, this did get me thinking about people who do this sort of thing and I think I’ve found a shortcut.

Here are some remarkable things I didn’t do:

1. I didn’t sell 4 billion copies of my first novel.
2. I didn’t invent the diagram that shows you how to assemble an Ikea TV stand.
3. I didn’t eat my weight in Cherry Pez.
4. I didn’t save Katie Couric from drowning.
5. I didn’t write the song “Da Doo Run Run.”
6. I didn’t shave Lassie and weave his/her hair into a throw rug.
7. I didn’t discover the cure for Hypochondria.
8. I didn’t make it to the finals of American Idol.
9. I didn’t make a BLT that when looked at from a certain angle, had the heads of all the Stooges (including Shemp) in a Mt. Rushmore pose.
10. I didn’t play bass in the Rolling Stones during the Thailand leg of the Steel Wheels tour.

There you go. A list of things that I didn’t do, but might have claimed if I had the urge to be on CNN. Feel free to add some of your own!

Carry on, Citizens!