Contrary to popular opinion, Middle East peace will not be brokered by newly elected President Obama. It won’t come at the hands of Egyptian intermediaries, even though they are negotiating as I type. And it certainly won’t come from a compromise between militant Islam and Jews/Christians.

Peace, I’m predicting will come from Taiwan.  All we have to do is get followers of Han Dan connected to the factions of Islam that are bent on jihad. No brainer. No problem. And how, do you ask, does this solve world peace? Simple: Jihadists like to blow people up.  Followers of Han Dan like to be blown up. We get them together, and the rest of us can live in peace until the World Series. Why the hell am I not the President?

If you’ve never heard of Han Dan, I’m not surprised. He’s a rather obscurish (yes, I made that up) god, that according to the AP, is a “god of wealth who likes fire but fears the cold, so believers throw firecrackers to please him.” Folks in Taiwan love Han Dan. (Personally, I think the name sounds made up) Shop owners hire people to stand outside their stores and throw fireworks at them.  Apparently it brings good luck. Even better, it saves money on gloves because you’re less likely to need a pair after this ritual.

Now, if we can just get the Jihadists to Taiwan or the Han Danists to the Middle East.  Maybe we can add that to the stimulus package.

Carry on, Citizens!