Vitamins and Pudding
You’ve probably heard about the recent findings that vitamins C and E don’t prevent prostate or other types of cancer. The vitamin peddling world is reeling from the potential financial fallout and many people who trusted vitamins are left wondering just what can protect them from disease. Well citizens, take heart. For we here at CarryOnCitizens.com have been conducting some of our own research. And, we’re pleased to announce our findings which can be summed up in one word: pudding.
That’s right folks, the Citizens Research Institute (Motto: Manipulating the Data Since 1968.) have discovered that the key ingredient to a long and healthy life is pudding. Lot’s of pudding. Our studies have shown that 10 out of every 10 people who don’t eat pudding every day eventually succumb to death -which our research has concluded to be fatal.
We have also concluded that people that eat pudding every day never die. Ever. Bill Cosby is actually 327 years old. His secret: pudding. It wasn’t until he landed the commercial gig with Jell-O that he began to spread the pudding secret to the masses.
There are a variety of pudding options to choose from, which makes it great for the health conscious person who wants variety. I tend to stick to the chocolate varieties, but can venture into the butterscotch and swirls. Tapioca is right out. It has the consistency of chilled snot and as such, has no health value whatsoever. Figgy pudding is still under investigation as the Citizens Research Institute has filed suit to have it removed from the pudding family and deemed torture by the standards set forth in the Geneva Convention. Rice pudding does have some health value, we suppose. But, we don’t typically hang out with the kind of people that “love” rice pudding, so keep that in mind.
So, don’t despair over the news about vitamins. Just start eating pudding every day. You will be happier and live longer. Now if we can just get chicken wings recognized as the 5th food group…
Carry on, Citizens!
About The AuthorJeff Stanger is an author, talk show host, professional fundraiser, and the answer to several obscure trivia questions. He writes for food and occasionally for spite.
It is true that those who eat pudding every day never die. . .but the actual cause is not yet conclusive. We can state that in *EVERY* instance where death occured the individual had stopped eating pudding. Further research is needed in a very few cases where the cause of death was initially thought to be ‘choking on pudding’ (a), but in 99.9999% of the cases pudding consumption ceased at least hours before the time of death. It is irrefutable that in NOT A SINGLE CASE was the deceased an ongoing pudding consumer. Think about that: In EVERY instance pudding consumption ceased at or before death!
- If JFK had eaten pudding on November *23*, 1963 it is almost certain he would have survived the assassination attempt!
- Had Czar, Nicholas II, consumed his pudding on July *18*, 1918 he would have escaped the murders.
MUCH to think about
People For the Prevention Of Distorting The Facts
(a) we believe there may be a correlation between these (so-called) ‘pudding deaths’ and the selection of Tapioca for the ‘pudding’ choice.
What say ye on bread pudding?
How dare you snub tapioca, you uncultured swine?! One unfavorable remark about bread pudding, and it’s game on!!
Now that that’s out of my system…how about pudding pops?
Katie,
Bread Pudding? Are you kidding? Those two should never be uttered in the same sentence. Unless one is spreading pudding on bread for a pudding sandwich.
Sarah,
See my comment above in regards to bread pudding. As for pudding pops, I’m all for them.
I know this in aging post, but some new facts I overheard at the grocery store today may shine some light on the life-enhancing qualities of pudding. Pregnant women, who are encouraged to partake of prenatal vitamins to boost brain and heart growth of the fetus, typically eat pudding. Sometimes with additives like pickles, olives, or prenatal vitamins (incidentally, these vitamins are the size of horse pills). Is the correlation between pudding and projected success of the infant clear? Thought so.
Also, it is interesting to note that pudding consumption can also increase the birth rate. So, in the above findings of pudding-related deaths, these facts aim to reciprocate the pudding-positive lifestyles. Men who consume more than one serving of pudding a day have increased sperm motility rates; men who shun pudding rarely have the opportunity to employ sperm, motile or non-motile. Women who consume more than one serving of pudding a day have been shown to have increased flavor in their mouths; women who have pudding disdain have no one but themselves to taste their mouth. These findings are all inclusive, with a margin of error of 51%.
Just thought I’d add to the conversation. Oh, one more thing: Butterscotch has been shown to be directly related to possessing “luck” and increased winning of lotteries, side-bets, poker games, and rock-paper-scissors. It just happens to be my favorite.
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