I’m typing with bloodshot eyes and blistered fingertips. I’ve crawled away from the Wii and managed to pull myself up to the chair in order to write this blog post. I’m exhausted from the 42 hour marathon of virtual music that I have completed. It was like playing every set at Woodstock. But it’s worth it. I have conquered the music world. I am the Accordion Hero.

It started innocently enough. Someone thought to give me a game for Christmas. They had heard of the popularity of Guitar Hero, but weren’t able to track down a copy. So, they bought me Accordion Hero. My life will never been the same.

The game is dominated by Polka music, which for me was as foreign as the plastic accordion controller that came with the game.  But soon, I began to master the Minnesota Polka by Gus Polinski. Then I was on to other classics like the Beer Barrel Polka and Tanta Anna.  By hour 17, I could perfectly nail every song recorded by Stan Wolowic and the Polka Chips.

But, there was more to be done. More levels to achieve. I was an Accordion pro, but not yet a Hero. So, I continued on without sleep or food. Stopping only to use the bathroom and double fist Red Bull, I kept playing -because the plastic accordion is an evil mistress and she must be satisfied.

As the hours wore on, I mastered the Bavarian Polka and the Hop Scotch Polka.  The Fanny Shake Polka was hard I tell you. If I played it once, I played it a thousand times trying to nail the chorus. But alas, I soldiered on and made it my groveling servant.

Then I climbed the mountain that is Polka Time by Bennie and the Polka Dots. And I planted my accordion flag atop that summit and proudly marched on. That was when I fell into the dark valley the game’s creators dug out to thwart even the most gifted fake accordion players: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow with the “Go Ye” Team Ministers of Christ. It’s not even a Polka!  Just some obscure gospel tune that sold exactly 17 copies.

But I have news for you Mr. Accordion Hero Game Writer: I read your book you magnificent bastard! And I conquered the “Go Ye” Team! Without pause or sustenance, I went to your top level and faced the Polka Dragon that was Polka Floyd. That’s right, there is a band that plays polka versions of Pink Floyd and you must conquer it to become Accordion Hero. And I did. And despite the 42 hours of my life that I will never get back, it was worth it.

So what’s next you say? Retirement? Accordion Hero 2? I’ll tell you what’s next: Cow Bell Hero. I’ve got a week off…

Carry on, Citizens!

[Photo by Gabba Gabba Hey!]