So, you’re out shopping on Black Friday and you just can’t seem to find that one “special” gift. You know, that gift that says, “I got you a present, but I really don’t like you much right now.” Well, leave it to me to solve that dilemma for you. (We’re a full service blog!)

Our perfect gift is available at the Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, Illinois. Times must be pretty hard in the President Elect’s home state because they’re making Christmas ornaments out of crap. Literally! The staff of the zoo decided to make ornaments out of dried reindeer droppings. Zoo marketing director Susie Ohley calls them “magical reindeer ornaments” and is selling them for $5 each. She will even throw in a certificate of authenticity. This of course begs the question -why? Wouldn’t they come with an aroma of authenticity?

Some sample marketing slogans I thought of:

Magical Reindeer Ornaments -the gift that’s shiny on the outside and dried fecal matter on the inside.

Magical Reindeer Ornaments -proof that you really can shine a turd.

When you care enough to give the very least, remember Magical Reindeer Ornaments!

I just ordered the entire set for someone. (Don’t worry, they never read this anyway.)

Carry on, Citizens!