St. Hubbins Day: A Celebration of the Earth Being Consumed by Black Holes
The brilliant musician and philosopher David St. Hubbins once said, “Well, I don’t really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It’s like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how – what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what’s stopping it, and what’s behind what’s stopping it? So, what’s the end, you know, is my question to you.”
Well put, sort of. However, today we have an answer to the question, “what’s the end?” It’s sometime next week and I say we call it St. Hubbins Day.
I stumbled across this alarming story today about scientists that are suing the European Organization for Nuclear Research for potentially creating a “celestial vacuum that would eventually consume the earth.” Of course American scientists have been trying to keep our celestial vacuums at bay for years (Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan), but European vacuums appear to be more formidable –hence the lawsuit.
At issue is probably the greatest guy toy in the history of mankind. European scientists (with the help of your tax $) have created an 18 mile long underground atomic particle smasher! It can slam protons together at a peak energy of 14 million electron volts. Somewhere Al Gore is screaming at his computer screen while spittle dangles from his lower lip as he tries to compute the carbon footprint of 14 million volts.
They plan to fire it next week hoping to “re-create the conditions scientists believe existed in a fraction of a second after the universe was created.” Now, I’m no expert on the Big Bang Theory, but I believe that scientists think that, as far as explosions go, it was rather biggish. I’m pretty sure that’s how it got the name “Big” Bang. In fact, it was supposedly the biggest explosion EVER! This has me concerned. It has some scientists concerned as well.
Two of them have gone so far to sue the organization to prevent them from firing it next week. They aren’t concerned with Big Bang II, though. They’re worried about black holes called strangelets (not to be confused with Stanglets, which are theoretical children should I ever get married). According to one of the scientist’s calculations, “it is quite plausible that these little black holes survive and will grow exponentially and eat the planet from the inside.”
That sounds very bad to me. But, since it will start in Europe, I’m not panicking. I’m betting the indigestion the black hole gets after consuming France will cause it to stop eating the planet from within. If that doesn’t work, we’ll feed it Kathy Griffin.
Carry on, Citizens!
