If ESPN can have ESPN Classic, then I can have Carry on, Citizens Classic. So, today I’m going to dust off a post I wrote in 2004 when were anticipating the Olympics. Timely, I know. As the Beijing is about to host the 2008 Summer Olympics. Or, as I like to call it: 2 Weeks of Recreation at China’s Olympic Disney!  Notice I said recreation. I did so because at the Olympics, there are very few actual sports.

(But, before we get to that, let’s talk about not-so-Beijing. It seems the Chinese have been replacing the real Beijing with lots of fake names, and stores, and other tactics to make the Olympic experience better. They even hired 10,000 pretty people to roam the streets during the event. (I was not even considered.) They have even cut down on the number of cars and will shut down factories during the event in an attempt to improve air quality.)

I’m having a great deal of conflict with this year’s Olympics. On the one hand, Katie Couric is on CBS now, so I won’t have to hear her say silly things like “Judo Game” this year. On the other hand, they have announced that this will be the last year for baseball (a sport). But, badminton (an activity) and equestrian (a mode of transportation) will continue.  Worst of all, synchronized swimming will be allowed to continue. Didn’t the movie Caddy Shack prove during the Caddy Day scene that just about anybody can kick their legs to classical music while holding their breath?

For the record, there are only a few sports. 3 in fact: Baseball, Basketball, and Football. Everything else is either a game, a skill, a competition, or an activity.  Not that there’s anything wrong with games, and skills, and activities. They’re just not sports. So, without further ado, here is the list of sports criteria:

1. Teams must be involved
2. Must have defense
3. Officials must be in the field of play
4. There must be an odd number of participants (football – 11,
baseball-9, basketball-5)
5. Dick Button cannot be involved
6. Must be pointless
7. Must have multiple skills involved
8. No judging to determine outcome
9. The crowd cannot be forced to be quiet (Tennis, Golf)
10. Cannot simply be a mode of transportation (running, swimming,
skating, sailing, etc…)

The last time I posted this, it caused a lot of anger and rage amongst people who have been mislead into thinking that a particular game is actually a sport. Sadly, it was if I had told them that there was no Santa Claus. But, eventually we all have to see the fat elf for what he truly is: a sad middle aged guy with a fake beard and a flask of Jack Daniels that he sips between shifts at the Galleria. And eventually you have to come to grips with the fact that weightlifting is really just 2 guys trying to impress a girl in the fifth row by lifting the equivalent of a Honda Civic without getting a hernia.

Feel free to weigh in. Just avoid any injuries.

Carry on, Citizens!