Alexa Rodriguez of Bristol, Connecticut was attacked by a hawk earlier this week on a tour of Fenway Park.  Apparently, the Red Sox Nation has been training hawks for months to attack Yankee fans and people who vote for Ron Paul.

Not to be outdone, Hank Steinbrenner announced that he hired Ninjas to attack adult Boston fans at New Yankee Stadium.  When reporters pointed out that the Boston hawk attacked a child, Steinbrenner replied, “Oh, we haven’t forgotten about the kids. That’s why he hired Sarah Jessica Parker to scare the heck out of any kids wearing Boston gear.”

In related news, sources are reporting that the University of Michigan is training an army of wolverines to invade West Virgina.  A spokesman for the university said, “we’ve taken three of WVU’s head coaches and they’re a little bitter. The wolverines will really give them something to cry about.”

MSNBC announced that if Michigan and West Virginia do go to war, they would devote 24 hour a day coverage to the event since, as they put it, “we’re as tired as the rest of America of Chris Mathews.”

Carry on, Citizens!