Manatees, Mermaids, and Marlins

25 February 2008 3 Comments

I’m warning you now: I may be leaving soon. Leaving Indiana for good. It’s time for a midlife crisis. I’ve decided I want to become a Manatee.

The Manatees are a new attraction coming to Florida Marlins games. (Heaven knows nobody wants to watch the actual team.) In 2003, the Marlins front office decided that the team needed cheerleaders. Smart move, sex sells. Thus the Mermaids were born. But this year, the Manatees have company. Big company.

You see, the Marlins decided that the only real compliment to a cheerleaders at a baseball game (other than a decent team on the field, and that’s not happening in Miami) is a bunch of fat guys dancing on the dugouts. I guess they think large guys doing the truffle shuffle will make the Mermaids look that much sexier.

So, I think I’m going to move to Miami and become a Manatee. I have the physique for the job, and I’m ugly enough to make any cheerleader look fabulous. All I need to do is learn how to dance. Somehow, I don’t think the competition will be all that tough, based on this video. Besides, I get to go the ballpark everyday. In Miami. It’s supposed to snow 3-5 inches in Indianapolis tonight. I’m outta here.

Carry on, Citizens!

About The Author
Jeff Stanger is an author, talk show host, professional fundraiser, and the answer to several obscure trivia questions. He writes for food and occasionally for spite.

3 Comments »

Melissa F said:

That sounds like so much fun!

In Omaha, the Omaha Beef (their arena football team) has a similar group called the Rump Roasters…. which I have to say sounds somewhat better than being a Manatee. =) I have an old high school boyfriend who is a team captain (or was last year) of that group and he says that it is a ton of fun.

Oh, and the cheerleaders seem to really like them. Even if they are funky – or short, like my old high school boyfriend. LOL.

# 25 February 2008 at 10:54 pm

Brian said:

Sign me up!

“Now introducing El Manatee Numero Uno…The Manatee known throughout South Florida and Latin America as El Chupacabra! Watch out folks, he’s a wild hairy beast and may just eat your (hot) dog while you’re not looking.”

Ah, but this is indeed not original…we’ve had “Macho” Mike Sullivan for years. Nice guy that I had an opportunity to work with while I was in college…and as a kid he lived across the hall from my grandma. You’ll never think of Y.M.C.A. the same again.

But seriously dude, you should go for it…if for nothing else than landing a Mermaid to become Mrs. Stanger and help in the repopulation of the planet some day (oh, it will happen and I’d start buying up any land in the Dakotas, Wyoming and Montana that Ted Turner doesn’t already own…Ted knows, trust me, Ted knows).

# 26 February 2008 at 4:03 pm

Lana said:

Okay – this time, instead of just reading, I went back and actually watched the video of the guys trying out. I’m all for it! I especially appreciated that Manatees are known as Sea Cows.

Let’s hear it for the Sea Cows!

However – Jeff – the jury is out as to whether or not you can actually do the moves here, buddy. I don’t see you as a Sea Cow, but if you can move like that, they might let you in. You could be the token Sea Cow. The one they don’t discriminate against.

You know – Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful kind of thing….

# 4 March 2008 at 3:34 pm