Many people come up to me and ask, “Jeff, just what is the history of breakfast?” (I’m assuming they ask me, because at first glance, I appear to have eaten many, many breakfasts. A high percentage of which may or may not have included donuts.) And I tell them, “I don’t have the slightest idea. But, I could make something up.”

So, today I offer you the first installment of the History of Breakfast. Very little of which, is actually true. This weekly feature will cover a variety of topics including breakfast pastries, eggs, sausages, and even that bastardization of the meal called “brunch.” Let’s begin.

Breakfast, most experts will tell you, is the most important meal of the day. I am not an expert, but I whole heartedly agree. However, they will try to give you all sorts of silly reasons like you’ll do better in school or be less cranky. I say it’s the most important because it’s the first meal of the day. And you can quote me on this, it’s impossible to eat your second, third, or even fourth meal of the day unless you have had your first. Ask any starving person and they will tell you, “I’m hungry because I haven’t had my first meal of the day.” So, eat breakfast.

For the purposes of this very scholarly look at breakfast, we are going to count ANYTHING eaten as first meal “breakfast.” This is done for my loyal readers who are in college who might feel that a piece of cold pizza that has been sitting on the kitchen table since 2am when the keg went dry, as somehow not part of the breakfast genre. Well, my hard partying friends, you’re all welcome here. I too have had to push back the empty Solo brand plastic cups to find the last dry napkin to use as a plate on a Saturday afternoon. Go Hoosiers!

Many successful people have endorsed breakfast. Donald Trump eats breakfast. Mother Theresa ate breakfast. Screech ate breakfast. In fact, most Hollywood industry insiders point to the fact that Screech’s career began to slide when he stopped eating breakfast. Skipping breakfast is a career killer, folks.

Breakfast is multicultural and multi denominational. For example, famous Christians like Billy Graham eat breakfast. Famous Jews like Gene Simmons and Jerry Seinfeld eat breakfast. And famous Scientologists like John Travolta eat breakfast. Even famous athletes like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods eat breakfast. Breakfast is all inclusive!

Some folks believe that breakfast began as early as the Garden of Eden. Church historians say that Eve gave Adam an apple for breakfast. The apple was given raw as opposed to being served warm in a glaze over pancakes. God was displeased with this breach of etiquette and banned the two from the Garden.

Of course, Evolutionists have a completely different take on the origin of breakfast. According to scientists, breakfast came about during the Paleo-hungry period. They assert that in a primordial skillet- eggs, chopped ham, onions, and green bell peppers simultaneously combined to form the first Denver omelette. Breakfast Creationists counter that Denver wasn’t even invented yet, but that doesn’t seem to matter to scientists. So, in most culinary schools throughout the world, Evolutionary Breakfast Theory has become the widely accepted world view.

In our next installment, we will look at the Impact of Toast. Don’t miss it!

Carry on, Citizens!